All language subtitles for Mrs Merton and Malcolm s01e01

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, Malcolm Burton.

Happy birthday to you.

It's today, isn't it, ma 'am? Yes,
birthday boy.

We've waited a whole year.

My son Malcolm, 37.

Who would have thought it, eh?

Are you coming down for your birthday
breakfast?

I'd best get dressed, ma 'am.

Oh, come as you are. Leave your jim
-jams on. You're king for a day.

Oh, come on, birthday boy.

I've done you eight sodas this morning.

Oh, three mendos.

Oh, it stays like this unless your
father wasn't bedridden.

Can I open my cards, ma 'am? Yeah.

Happy birthday, son.

Don't suck me in, you dad.

Oh, thanks.

I bought it because of the lovely words.

Ahoy, ahoy.

Ahoy, special boy.

Blithe remain, brave.

Anchors away.

We're birthday bound to happiness bay.

And I've tried to continue this nautical
theme, you see there.

Oh, yeah?

Aye, aye. Happy birthday, Captain
Malcolm.

Because that's your dad's car.

Oh, I think his pen clicked on a bit of
flam.

Bingo!

£5 postal order.

Oh, who's it to?

I don't know.

My love and love, is it Eric?

Oh, it's your auntie Morag. Now, don't
go getting giddy, young man.

You have to put that to work, I think.

Don't go wasting it on Pop and Chris.

I won't.

Oh, well, now you've got all this money,
you might not want my present.

Have you got me warm, ma 'am?

Yes. Is it thinning yet?

Cold, very, very cold.

You're cold?

Freezing. Oh, chilly. Still chilly.

Oh, you're jacked fast.

Oh, you're getting warmer, though.

You're getting warmer.

You're getting warmer.

Oh, you better be hot!

It's not cheese, is it?

No, the other shelf.

Is this it?

Yes.

Oh,

it's that jumper you took me to see the
other day.

Yes.

Do you remember when I made you close
your eyes in the middle of the shop?

And I popped over to the till and bought
it as a surprise.

I wonder why you made me try it on. Now
you know.

What time's my party, ma 'am?

Four o 'clock prompt.

Blimey, Charlie, that's ages away.

Now, are you ready for the top off your
egg poppet? Yes, please.

Now, you must try and get a nap this
afternoon so you're fresh for your

And don't go throwing off. Everybody has
a birthday, you know.

Now, don't forget all that lovely bit
there on the top of the egg.

I'm saving that for last.

Well, don't forget it.

I won't. Well, don't. I won't. Goodbye.

Now, for the party, I'm doing chocolate
rice crispy cakes, a big Neapolitan ice

cream, ham sandwiches and potted beef
bread fingers, and a big bowl of hula

hoops.

Enough of that whistling, Malcolm.

You're not a kettle.

Can we have baby beetroot, ma 'am? No.

All you do is keep putting your tongue
out, show how ready it's gone. You can't

be trusted with baby beetroot, birthday
or not.

Baby Beetles, out of the question.

Goodbye. I thought you'd forgot it.

It'll make you grow big and strong.

Oh, your birthday measure.

Hey, chicky dicky, no tiptoes.

Bye.

Same as last year.

for me, Malcolm, will you, love?

Hello, Mr. Capstick.

Hello, Malcolm.

Mr. Capstick, ma 'am.

Oh, hello, Arthur.

Come on, sit yourself down.

Thank you. It's my birthday, Mr.
Capstick.

Oh, what about that then?

I don't know, eh?

You keeping well, Arthur?

Can't complain.

How's your rhubarb?

Going along.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I must bring my Malcolm down to your
allotment again.

You enjoyed that, Malcolm, didn't you?

When can we go again, ma 'am? Steady on,
giddy goat.

Oh, he's overexcited, Arthur. He's
having a big birthday party this

Are you, Malcolm?

Oh, I don't know.

Remember that year your tongue was all
purple from the baby beetroot?

Oh, we're having none of that malarkey
this year. We're having a ban on baby

beetroot this birthday.

How's Mr Merton today?

He's having a good day, Arthur.

Sat him up, gave his hair a comb.

Oh, I won't be able to come on Friday.
I've got my outpatient appointment with

my ticker.

Why don't you have one of those triple R
bypasses fitted?

I don't think they'll have time.

It's only a check -up.

Yes.

We're having chocolate rice crispy
cakes.

Oh, I don't know.

You're a lucky chap, Malcolm.

How tall are you now?

He's a six footer, I'll tell you that.

Do you know what size his feet are now,
Arthur?

I don't know. Do you want to hazard a
guess?

No. Twelve.

Mind you, I'm saying that. His slippers
are still elevens, but that's Marx's for

you. Size twelve?

Whatever next?

Anyway, I'll pop up to see Mr Merton.

I've brought him a quart of sherbet
lemons.

Oh, yeah, good Arthur.

I don't know what he'd do without you.

So, are you popping up, Arthur? Oh, yes.

Malcolm, did you press that toilet after
you?

How? Oh, oh, it's a lovely war.

Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh? Oh, it's
a shame to take the pay.

As soon as we've had it, it's gone.

We've filled us as heavy as lead. But we
never get off to the sergeant, bring

our breakfast off to bed.

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war.

What do we want with eggs and jam when
we've got plum and apple jam?

Form four's right turn. How do we spend
the money we earn? Oh, oh, oh, it's a

lovely war.

How did you find him? He was asleep.

I left a shove of lemons by the bed.

Oh, that'll be a lovely surprise for him
to wake up to. Thank you.

Now, Arthur, there's Garibaldi's, or you
can have a bit of Battenberg.

I'll have a Garibaldi.

Battenberg doesn't agree with me. You
know where you are with a Garibaldi.

Can I have a bit of Battenberg, ma 'am?
No, you can wait till your party, hungry

Horace. Oh, he's Battenberg farming,
that child of mine.

Oh, Arthur.

Did you hear about Gordon Gosworth?

He's got a new car with electric
windows.

That's a company car, that mummy. He's
not bought that himself.

They were always very flashy, them
Gosworths.

Peggy Gosworth was telling me he's going
in for one of those new Barrett homes.

Oh, I don't know, eh?

Barrett home?

Who'd have thought?

I remember when there were just fields
there.

So do I.

Oh, my Malcolm used to play down there
on his space offer.

You know the Goldman that used to be?
Then it was the Multiplex Cinema

Yes. They're opening a drive -through
beef burger place there now.

Oh, they're not, are they?

I forget the name of it.

Begins with M.

That'll attract the wrong sort of
people.

They reckon people will be driving in,
buying a beef burger, then driving away

with it.

Who told you that, Arthur?

Alf Carter broke it to me the other day.
It's getting more like London every

day.

Another garibaldi? No, thanks, Dorothy.

I've got a nice pork chop defrosted.

Oh, I won't be here on Friday. I've got
an outpatient's appointment.

Yes, yes, you said.

Anyway, mess me up.

Hey, Malcolm, what's this behind your
ear?

For you, son.

For your birthday.

Oh, brilliant.

Malcolm?

Thanks, Mr Capstick.

Oh, he's ruined that child of mine.

Bye -bye, Arthur.

Bye -bye, Doctor.

Bye,

Mr Capstick. Bye.

Malcolm, has he gone?

Nip upstairs and get us that pack of
sherbet lemons.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Morag.

Oh, I'm all of a tip, to be honest.

Yes, Malcolm's birthday. He'll get more
care to get for you.

Oh, he's over the moon with it.

You shouldn't be sending him that much.

Yes, his fancy's up for.

Oh, no, I've put a ban on that this
year.

How so?

Oh, Mr Merton.

Oh, he's fine.

Well, they're fine.

He's still in great pain.

Anyway, have you heard about Gordon
Gosworth's new car?

Electric windows.

I don't know how they plug it in.

Anyway, how are you?

Morag, I'd love to stop and talk, but I
must press on.

I'll get Malcolm for you.

Malcolm?

Is fancy Morag on the phone?

You don't have to rush. It's on air,
Bill.

Hello, Auntie Morag.

Thanks for the postal order.

I'm keeping my options open.

Departed at four.

No, Mum's put a ban on that this year.

No, he's not bought that. That's a
company car, that.

Right.

Right, thanks, Auntie Morag. Bye.

That was Auntie Moorag, ma 'am.

Oh, she can't half go on, can't she?

I know she's my sister, but I can take
her a leave at some times.

Mind you, she did push the boat out with
that fiver.

Yeah.

Why didn't Auntie Moorag ever marry, ma
'am?

Well, there was a man interested in her
briefly, but then he was sectioned.

Shame, though, innit?

Yeah.

Sometimes in life.

Some people are destined never to meet
that special person, and they live the

whole of their lives on their own.

Do you know these are lovely oranges?

He's such a cheery man, that Al from the
green grocer, isn't he?

Yeah. Do you know, his wife has the
majority of her brain removed, and you

hear him complain.

He told me that he had one of them
vegetarians in his shop on Wednesday.

that'll be the new couple that's moved
up from London.

Don't you go getting involved with them
for now, please. No way.

Don't make them ask, though.

Don't slice it all quarters, ma 'am.

Quarters? To the party, Malcolm.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Well, you can count me in. If I was, you
wouldn't have me working here, that's

for sure. This is Ackerwilk, and that's
my grandson. Who wants to be a

millionaire?

Who wants to wallow in champagne?

I don't.

I don't. And I don't, because all I want

is you.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

I don't. Who wants uranium to spare?

I don't. Who wants to journey on a
gigantic yacht?

Did you turn up?

Like a young Tom Cruise. Thanks, ma 'am.

Do I look nice?

Oh, yeah.

Like a young Elizabeth Taylor?

Yeah. I thought so.

Pop in and wake your dad and let him see
you.

Cool, daddy -o. Straight from the
fridge.

Dad, got my new jumper on.

like your jumper?

Yeah, with the thumbs up.

Oh, right. Come on, make yourself
useful.

Wrap a third bit round each knife and
fork.

I've got your Jeff and Dave tape out.
Put my rabbit rabbit on?

Yeah. All your favourites.

Now, I've not done trifle. People don't
want trifle now in the 90s.

Who do you think will arrive first, ma
'am?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe Gordon Godfrey
in his new car.

He's not bought that car, you know, ma
'am. That's a company car, that.

Yes, I know.

Oh, Malcolm, do you remember your 21st?

I won't pass the parcel, didn't I, ma
'am? Yes, you did. And you know, I never

told you this, but your dad fixed that
for you. Did he?

Yes, he had a little mirror on top of
the piano.

Blimey, Charlie, that was one in the eye
for Gordon Gosworth.

Yes. Do you remember you won that lovely
prize?

What was it?

A comb.

I've still got it.

Mind you.

He's too old now for pass the pass,
though. We'll have musical statues

It's less competitive.

Tremendous!

Your dad, he used to love playing that
piano.

Yeah, he kept losing his balance though,
didn't he, Mum?

Yeah.

Right, I'll leave the clean film on
there until everybody's here.

Can I have one of them hula hoops?

No, Malcolm, you'll spoil my display.

Now, I'll tell you what there is to
offer, everyone.

There's sherry, there's lemonade and
diluted orange.

Oh, do you know what I've done, Malcolm?

I've chopped up a real orange, like on
the continent.

But only one glass per drink, mind.

Right. Oh, there we go. It's four o
'clock.

It's officially your party.

Come on, everybody.

Oh, go and have a look out the window
for them.

Party, party, party.

No sign of anyone yet.

Still no sign.

Oh, Mr Deacon's coming down the road.

Why didn't you invite Mr Deacon?

Oh, yeah, he's got it in his house.

Oh, there are other things going on. in
the world apart from your birthday,

Malcolm.

Come on.

Would you

like

another parted beef finger?

No. Oh, I know what we'll do. We'll see
who was born on the same day as you.

Right.

Born today, Isaac Newton, Desmond Tutu
and David Lee Travis.

They're all achievers, Malcolm.

Do you remember David Lee Travis?

No. DLT?

No. The hairy cornflake?

No. Yes, you do.

I don't. You do.

I don't. Do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do.
Don't.

Do. Don't.

Oh! Back the light of the nether!

Oh!

Oh, hello.

Good morning.

Bring them all through, Malcolm.

Oh, hello, Arthur.

I just popped in to let you know I've
got a hospital appointment Friday with

ticker. Oh. Well, while you're here...
Why don't you stay for the party?

Oh, no, better not.

Please, Mr Capstick.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe five minutes.

Come on, Arthur.

Sit yourself down.

Right. Let the party commence.

Who's for a potted bee finger? Me.

No need to rush, Malcolm. There's enough
for everyone.

Would you like a diluted orange, Arthur?

Oh, thank you. That'll be just the
ticky.

Here.

Oh, I'm gone!

Oh, I forgot the orange fly.

It is a celebration.

You having fun, Arthur?

Yeah.

Ten nil to Arthur.

You can't contain your excitement.
That's your downfall, Malcolm.

I'm going to have to sit down now.

Kids wear you out, don't they?

Party's in full swing now, isn't it?

Shall I bring the

birthday cake in?

Tremendous!

Birthday cake and all that?

I don't know, eh?

It's all happening.

We've not spent that 50 pence yet, Mr
Capstick.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Malcolm Merton.

Happy birthday to you.

Hip hip!

Hooray!

Hip, hip.

Oh, never mind.

Right, one big blow.

Ooh, did you make a wish?

I know what you wished for.

Right. Do you like the piece, Arthur?

No, he doesn't agree with me.

Oh. You haven't got any Garibaldis, have
you?

Yes, go on, Mark. I'm going to get
Arthur a Garibaldi.

They're building a new drive -through,
you know.

Yes, I heard.

Have you?

Well, it's not a rumour, then.

Now, do you know what, Arthur? I'm not
going to have my piece now. I'm

absolutely stuck.

Here you are, Mr Capstick.

Oh, that looks nice.

A snazzy jump of that, Malcolm.

It's a birthday present off my mum and
dad.

Present? I don't know, eh?

And I got a £5 postal order.

You have done well for yourself.

Can I put my tape on now, ma 'am?

We're having a lovely time, Arthur.

Yeah.

Do you like chart music, Arthur?

Yeah.

Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,

rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit, rabbit. You've got a beautiful

chin.

You've got beautiful skin.

You've got a beautiful face.

You've got taste.

You've got beautiful eyes.

You've got beautiful thighs.

You've got a lot without a doubt.

But I'm thinking about blowing you out.

Cause you won't stop talking.

Why don't you give it a rest?

You've got more rabbits than
Sainsbury's. It's time you got it all

Now you was just the kind of girl to
break my heart in two. I knew right off

when I first kept my eyes on you.

But now it's hard to know you've been my
hero too.

With your incest and token, you'll be
coming a bit.

Do you like rabbits, Arthur?

No.

Oh.

Which will you be in this time, Malcolm?

Charles or Dave?

Dave. I think he's your favourite.

Well, I'll just get back before it gets
dark.

My dynamo's playing up.

Smashing party, Malcolm.

Thanks, Mr Capstick.

Are you going to pop up and see Mr
Merton before you go?

Is he awake?

No. I won't bother then.

Cheerio, Arthur.

Right, see you Friday.

No, Arthur, it's your hospital
appointment.

Oh, right.

I must write that down.

See you then, Malcolm.

Oh, Mr Capstead, you've still got your
party hat on.

Yes.

Them potted beef went down well, didn't
they?

Yeah.

Nobody touched the ham.

I couldn't see you down tomorrow.

Oh, I popped up to see him. He's got it
all rounded like grapevine.

I think he misses not being able to come
downstairs.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you think we should put a radio in
his room for him? He keeps asking for

Do you think you'll be too tired for
work tomorrow?

Yeah. Can you phone me a sickie, ma 'am?

Yeah.

Do you know, I'm not doing that thing
again where I cut up the oranges.

It looks effective, but ooh, it is
pricey.

Can I stop looking at what Ruth Randall
has? It's my birthday, ma 'am.

Well, I'll have to check what it's
about.

Remember when you couldn't sleep after
Wycliffe?

Hey, I'm glad Gordon Gosworth didn't
turn up.

You two have never got on, have you?

I think there's a bit of jealousy from
his side.

Yeah. Anyway, he never invites you to
any of his parties, does he?

No. Remember the year you turned up
anywhere and he wouldn't let you in?

How long did he stand outside looking
through the window?

A couple of hours.

It was raining.

Hey, you, come on.

It's only twenty past nine. You're not
Peter Stringfellow.

You'll sleep well tonight with all the
excitement today.

Oh, did you enjoy it?

Best birthday ever, Mum.

Now,

you brushed your teeth.

Goodbye. Hey, Mum, what was that noise
earlier?

Oh, nothing. It was just your dad. He
swallowed his tongue again.

Night, night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

It's been non -stop celebration.

Sometimes I think you're lucky to be
bedridden.

Poor Malcolm.

Just Arthur Capstick at his party.

Same as last year.