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SIMPLY ME #HAPPYLIFE

A NEW ERA BEGINS! #2IN1 #BABY #ILLBEAMOM

I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I CAN'T WAIT. #ITSAGIRL #BABY #LOVE

IT'S HERE. #BABY #LOVE

Are you okay?

ON OUR WAY TO HOSPITAL. #ITSCOMING #BABY #BIRTH

MAKE IT FAST!

FINGERS CROSSED!

MAKE IT FAST…

Not from that angle.

Hello.

Take it before I give birth!

My name's Sára and I'm an influencer.

I've always had a nice butt so I take photos of it.

It earned me 170,000 followers.

It's a bit bigger now. I'm pregnant.

But my boobs are bigger too. Another 20,000 followers.

Plus the mommy sector, 38,000.

Altogether, I have 228,000 followers.

And how many friends do I have? Three.

Hedvika,

Eliška

and Zuzana.

SÁRA'S LIVE.

SÁRA'S LIVE.

SÁRA'S LIVE.

It's happening. Milan!

SÁRA'S LIVE.

2,611.

It's here! But I feel great because I took this anti-stress…

You're so brave!

NURSES' ROOM

-Hello. -Hello, mommy. Hello. Come.

This is my first time, just like for you. There.

Good.

I'm here with you.

Well…

Push as if you're pooping. Make a poo.

-Make a poo. Make a poo. -That's not for kids!

Come on inside, I connected the TV.

It will be okay.

She's started pushing!

Good. Good. Let me see.

I'll take a look.

-Make a poo. -Good job.

Push hard.

We'll do an episiotomy.

Jesus Christ!

God!

-She's here. -She's made it.

Wonderful.

Well done.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Hynek.

Come, Milan!

Happy birthday to you.

Let's clap our hands. Yeah!

-Milan. -Patricie's booked me a ticket.

The flight is in two hours.

In two hours?

Are you leaving right now? You're kidding, right?

I'm really sorry. I'd rather stay with you.

-Sure. -Duty calls. What can I do?

That's a Klímek. Tin and gold.

Gold? You mean real gold?

-How much did it cost? -250 grand.

Shit.

-You will sleep over, right? -I can't, I'm working tomorrow.

That's not a problem. I'll drive you, okay?

You'll have some wine and a bath.

We'll talk. I need a shoulder to cry on.

-Okay. -Yeah!

Duchess Kate needed just a few hours to walk out of the hospital in heels,

with a wide British smile.

And I can't even go to the bathroom.

I am Kate! I am Kate!

I am Kate, I am Kate…

-Thank you. -No problem. Here, your snacks.

-Come on. -Are you sure you don't want a ride?

No way. One ride and they won't give you a break.

Don't grimace or you'll stay that way!

And you'll have the stupid look of your dad.

Take care.

-It was great. Thanks. -It was.

-Don't you want to live here? -We do. Forever.

-Thanks for coming. Bye. -Bye.

I don't want a nanny.

She smells like goat's poo.

She's a goat.

And she smells like garlic. She's a witch.

-You can't say that. -Why can't we go with you?

Because I'm going to work and if I'm late they'll fire me again.

You can take the tablet from your dad and watch his films at Mrs Hlaholová's.

Yes, dad! Dad! Dad!

Our tram, quick! Come on, I'll race you!

Hurry!

Move it!

Great. Perfect.

Mom, it's a ticket inspector.

-Sit with Maruška. -Hello, ticket inspection.

-Ticket inspection? -Yeah.

-Fine, I'll file a complaint. -Why?

Your trams aren't suitable for small kids.

Loads of stupid buttons which are easy to push.

High seats with no seat belts. What if we crashed, huh?

My kids weigh just 15 and 20 kg.

One will fly over the seats and smash into the windscreen.

And the other will be crushed by that woman's fat ass.

-Excuse me? -Calm down, lady.

I'm not a lady, I'm a mother. A mother! What are you?

You should be glad anyone's actually riding in these coffins on wheels.

You should be giving me life annuity for even getting on with my kids!

Come on.

Hurry.

Mommy, you were great today.

-Great. -You too.

I love you.

So far it's piece of cake, mothers.

MEET LEA. OUR MIRACLE.

Stop, stop, stop!

She's sleeping.

Sára?

Your wife's over there.

-You know her? -From the internet.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

-God, she's so beautiful. -Honey, don't breathe on her.

Oh, okay.

-Did you get everything? -I think so.

Your creams.

-Clothes, toothbrush, panties… -Disposable ones?

No, with lace.

Let's breast-feed, mom.

-She's sleeping now. -She'll wake up.

-Let's see if she starts sucking. -But she's sleeping.

-You sit. -Okay.

-And you breast-feed. -Okay.

Sweetie, it's time for your milk.

-Come on, wake her up. -But she's asleep.

-I'm not. -You can sleep.

-And you wake her up. -Okay.

Sweetie. Lea…

-We don't have all day. -But she is…

Let me do it.

Pull her leg like this. Or just try tickling her. Come on.

Take it out.

There, get the breast.

Her hand like this. Well.

Squeeze the breast.

She doesn't want it. Lea.

You must squeeze it right here.

Put it in her mouth. It's open, can't you see?

And stretch the glands like this.

When she starts sucking, each breast five minutes.

Don't let her fall asleep, you're not a dummy.

And if she won't start, we'll try again

a few more times before switching to formula.

Daddy will keep an eye on mommy.

What do you want, dear?

Zdeněk, something stronger for you?

No, thank you. I'm driving.

-For you, Bětka? Sherry? -No, thanks.

Elizabeth, when I look at you, I think

you might like some grandma's clothes.

My mother-in-law was really chic. And it's still trendy.

I can't wear them because they're three times my size.

Zdeněk will take them to you during the week. At least he won't be bored.

Mom, Dad. Zdeněk and I have an announcement to make.

Are you getting divorced?

Eliška has always been a good daughter.

She had straight As, helped around the house,

and never brought any friends home.

-But then she brought Zdeněk over. -We're having a baby.

That's great news.

Yeah…

-Can it still be reversed? -Mom?!

What about your studies, Elizabeth?

-But… -She doesn't mean it like that.

She just wants the best for you. Just like you will, for your own kid.

I know someone at the faculty.

The dean is the same age as me, so you can always turn to him.

Isn't that a bit premature?

Tibor, you deal with the dean.

Tell him the sky is the limit,

as long as Bětka can come back after it's born.

We'll pay for everything, including nannies, no worries.

You won't suffer any loss.

What if Eliška doesn't want to go back?

Or what if the little one wants an apprenticeship?

Excuse me? Don't you ever joke about that.

I may look like I'm made of steel but I'm fragile.

Don't overreact, dear.

Let's calm down.

Well, here's to being on first-name terms, Zdenda.

I'm driving.

-Tibor. -Zdeněk.

So, you're going to be a dad.

What an era, isn't it?

-Zdeněk. -Yeah?

What about your job?

Will you keep coaching?

Good point. What if he breaks his leg or arm?

How will he coach then?

You'll end up on the street, and your baby too!

How will people look at us then?

-Say something. -You're overreacting again.

-I'm not, that's the reality! -Of course you are, I'll take care of it.

I'll go to the company.

I'll ask there. It doesn't matter that he's not qualified.

I can't see a problem at all.

I'm still here.

For most families, announcing a pregnancy is a happy event.

But in this case, even a funeral would be more fun.

This lobster has both a minnie and a willy.

I love you, mom.

-I love you. -I love you too.

Our teacher says you haven't paid for the field trip.

Don't worry, baby. I'll do it next week.

Go to sleep now.

PAY ALIMONY OR WE'LL STARVE TO DEATH.

-I'll go get the car. -Yeah. Okay.

-Good. -Why didn't you take my car?

-Sorry? -Why didn't you take my car?

-This one's bigger. -Oh, okay.

I wanted to film it!

Hello to you all from myself and Jirka.

We're finally on our way home from the hospital.

-Hello, hello. -Yeah.

Now there won't be any nice nurses to tell me what to do.

I'll be on my own.

Which doesn't mean that I know what to do.

I realized that childbirth doesn't go with a manual.

But don't be afraid, mothers.

It's all under control so…

-Oh, I'm sorry! Sorry! -It's fine.

-Honey? -What is it?

Could you get the shock absorbers fixed?

Oh please, she loves it. Look how she's sleeping!

She wouldn't be sleeping like that with new shock absorbers.

It's all under control so…

Well, that's useless.

Never mind. Okay.

Hello to you all. Jirka and I are on our way home from the hospital.

Hi.

Where are you going?

Surprise.

-Careful, there's a little step here. -Okay.

That's fine. Just a little further.

Open your eyes. Here's your gift.

My Jirka has always been spontaneous.

But this time he got carried away a bit too much.

It's our new home, baby.

-Since when? -Since now.

-What? -This is our house.

No more renting.

Look at the nice big garden. The little one can play in here.

And with some extra money, we can renovate it.

Wait until you see the spaciousness inside!

-Yeah. -What?

We can have a lot of kids. There's enough room.

My brother helped me with all the boxes.

Wait, wait, wait. My stuff is here as well?

Sure, everything.

Our friends will help us clean it and fix a few things.

-Jirka. -Yeah?

What about our apartment?

Well…

I GOT A NEW HOUSE FOR CHILDBIRTH! #THEMOSTPERFECTMAN

-I'm done. -Okay, thanks.

-I'll just take out the trash. -It's fine, I'll do it.

-Okay, bye. -Bye, have a nice day.

DON'T WAIT UP, HONEY. SORRY, TOO BUSY.

Are we going to have dinner? Just you and I?

It's cold!

-Do you want out or more water? -Water.

Okay.

LOAN INCREASE

And they lived happily ever after!

We're not alone.

A major blunder, passing the ball to the opponent…

What about this one?

What? Yeah.

-Do you really like it? -Yeah.

-I think this one's better. -Okay, buy that one then.

Won't it be too heavy?

-This one has swivel wheels. -Good, buy the one with the wheels.

I don't like the color though.

Well, you can buy all of them. Try them out and give them back later.

FIRST BATH IN THE NEW HOUSE. #HAPPINESS #RELAX #NEWHOUSE

MY BESTIES #BABYWELCOMING

So, this is it.

Well?

-Holy shit. -Nice.

The electrics are old, but I'll install a distribution box down there.

I'd like it with brick only.

-Like in England, you know? -Take it away!

-What do you say? -Yeah.

-Right? -I bet there are a lot of nests.

-Nests? -Relax. You'll get a cat.

-Or perhaps an exterminator. -Yeah.

And before he gets here, you'd better order take-out.

-But it'll be beautiful one day. -I know.

And the garden is really big and nice.

And the washer/dryer is perfect.

Really? I'm glad you like it.

My car paid for it.

-You sold your car to pay for a washer? -Not just the washer.

Jirka sold it when I was in hospital.

Jirka sold your car?

Is it even legal when you're not married?

-What kind of pink? -What do you mean?

Which shade of pink?

Pink, of course. Pink is pink, isn't it?

It's not that simple.

You have raspberry pink, fuchsia pink,

coral pink, strawberry pink, salmon.

-Okay. -Salmon is sort of orange.

Have you ever seen salmon?

-Salmon is a fish. -A pink fish.

-You'll be fine. I was too. -Because you have a boy.

-Blue is not that complicated. -Yeah, right.

Blue has shades too, dude.

-Okay. -It's installed.

You're my hero.

-So, this is it. -Wow.

Let me see.

And it's called Aniball? How kinky. And where do you put it?

It's a pelvic floor trainer.

Is that the training that resembles sucking in spaghetti?

Girls, I feel like sucking a watermelon now.

It's great. You can avoid an episiotomy with this.

For real? Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have it…

-stitched now. -Yeah.

Wait, so you put it in your…

Vagina and you pump.

And then you practice pushing out the baby's head.

-And to what extent do you inflate it? -As long as it's comfortable.

-That's a lot. -It is.

Well, with a bottle of wine.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Drum roll, please.

-Holy shit. -That's gross.

Hey, how long after the birth did you not fuck?

I don't know. Until after the puerperium or so.

That's my plan too.

I even made a note in my calendar.

You'll have my respect if you put it in Sára's calendar too.

And before the birth?

What?

And how long before the birth did you not fuck?

-Did you really taste it? -Hmm.

-Do you have to? -Of course not.

-So why did you do it? -I wanted to know what it tastes like.

What does it taste like then?

-I've heard it's kind of spicy. -Bullshit.

-That's impossible, it's for babies. -It was kind of sweet.

Sure, that's what I think.

It also depends on what she eats, right?

Right.

So if Hedvika are cream puffs, it would be sweet.

Dude, I've never seen her eating a cream puff.

All women eat it. In secret.

I will tell you something.

If Hedvika had drunk more beer back then,

your son wouldn't cry so much now.

Don't touch that, these are nettles. It burns and leaves pimples.

Guys, that's nice, huh?

And the way it slides.

-That's Hynek. -He fell in the nettles!

-You really didn't push him? -No, he jumped in there himself. Really.

-Sára, you can't be in there with her. -We're fine. Really. Thanks.

Don't worry. You'll have your own soon.

I know.

Bye, little Lea. Bye.

-Bye. -Take care.

Listen, a friend of mine rents caravans if you'd like.

You're very kind but we're fine.

Bye.

It's really nothing, it's not a problem.

Look, I'll just remove it from here. And this as well.

I'll throw it out of the window and it's done.

And here above me…

It's just dust, you see?

We'll dust it off and it's as good as new.

-I'll go get the caravan. -I'd really appreciate that.

You'll be fine without me for a moment, won't you?

A bit more.

I got the biggest one.

Just a little bit more and we're good.

Think positive.

ON FRONT PORCH. #NEWHOUSE #LOVEMYFAMILY

There's a terrible smell in here.

I can't smell anything.

-There's something in this bed. -It's just me.

And I'd like to sleep.

Ouch!

-I've been bitten. -Quiet.

Jirka, I have to use the bathroom.

Follow the cable.

-Can you hold the light for me? -Go behind the caravan.

But I need to…

-Go poop behind the caravan. -Jirka!

Eliška was in her sixth month, enjoying the full experience.

Vomiting, puffed legs,

stretchmarks, piles.

Plus a mother who never forgets to kindly mention

that she's starting to be as fat as an elephant seal.

And that's when her delusions started.

Dear mommies-to-be, in the water.

Ladies, welcome to our pregnancy workout.

Enjoy the temporary feeling of lightness.

I see two familiar faces. And the rest of you can introduce yourselves

and tell us how far you are. Ilona, please.

-Ilona, 37 weeks. -Eva, 36 weeks.

Petra, 38 weeks.

Careful. There's a hospital just round the corner,

but try not to deliver here.

Everyone here is obviously ready to pop while Eliška still has three months left.

Eliška, 38 weeks as well.

A small lie, but it made her feel a lot better.

Spread out your arms above the water.

And we're raising our arms with palms up.

Now the other arm.

Let's do a propeller.

Beautiful. Now the other side.

Let's sit on the edge of the pool to stretch our calves and prevent swelling.

Come on, mom.

Is there something wrong?

My waters just broke.

CHANGING ROOMS

-I'm calling an ambulance. -No, it's much better now.

It's really better.

I don't know how to get the money out of him.

-Honza, stop picking your nose. -I won't.

I can't find a proper job and the temp jobs mean little money

and little time for the kids.

And she didn't mention that apart from those two disadvantages,

the temp jobs had a bad impact on her self-confidence.

Tell him you'll take him to court.

-I can't afford a lawyer. -But Kamil doesn't know that.

-He won't answer my call. -So text him.

Okay, I'll text him.

But when? Do it now.

-Not now, we're in the park. -Zuzana.

Okay, I'll do it.

Are you happy now?

One child and no more.

One to keep you from bore.

There are enough people in the world.

And animals are losing the war.

If you don't care about the climate

go and have another kid.

Armageddon is sweet.

But I prefer a sheath.

-I'LL TAKE YOU TO COURT. -LET'S MEET.

You see? Let's go.

-I also have one for Honzík and Maruška. -You're great but I have some too.

Guys, snack time.

Maruška, Honzík, come eat.

We had that yesterday.

So what? It's good.

-I'm not hungry. -Come on. At least a little bit.

What's their problem? It's good, organic.

They don't know what they want.

Wouldn't it be better if you cooked for them?

When you have two kids and reach home after 9 p.m., then we'll talk.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

I'd like to have more kids, but with whom?

-Sorry. -It's fine.

-What are you fiddling with? -It's a piece of shit.

It's organic.

Look.

-I need something sweet for my nerves. -Me too.

It was our anniversary.

And? Did he come at least?

No, but he sent his secretary.

With some tasteless scarf she'd picked. Do you get it?

-How old is she? -21, I think.

-Bitch. -Yeah.

I think I'll divorce him.

See? There's another way to save money.

That's a bit much.

Where is Hynek?

Hynek!

Hynek!

-Hynek! -Hynek!

Have you seen Hynek?

Hynek!

Hey, buddy.

Don't be scared. What are you doing here all alone?

Come here. Wait, buddy.

Buddy, wait. Where's your mommy?

Hynek!

Hynek!

Where'd you go, baby?

Are you alright?

You can't do this, baby. Mom was going crazy.

-Thank you very much. -Don't mention it.

I feel awful.

But you don't look awful at all.

-My name's David. -Hedvika.

-Yeah. -Do I have bags under my eyes?

-No. -Are you sure?

-And film the bumblebee. -Don't worry.

-Excuse me. -Sorry.

Come on.

-You have something in your teeth. -What?

Yeah, something green.

-Jesus, why didn't you tell me? -I didn't see it.

Wait.

Okay.

Snap, snap.

I think it's good.

And now go. Lea needs her mommy.

-I must work too. -I get it.

But we'll be drilling in here and it'll be dusty, so take her to the caravan.

-Okay. -Here, take this.

Thanks for the teeth.

During the first weeks with my baby, I learned a lot.

For example that without multitasking

you won't eat, sleep or even go to the bathroom.

The washer.

Even Jirka learned a lot.

Like if your baby is gassy and you get up for work at 5:30 a.m.,

and then you work on the house,

there's no point in warming bottles, tummy massage or other silly things.

Go, go, go!

-Hi. -Let me drive.

Alright, without holding the wheel. Let's go.

-Dad? -Yeah?

Why do I smell schnitzels?

Because this car is eco-friendly. It runs on vegetable oil.

Ruda, you know him, right?

Ruda from the pub, he gives me oil from his fryer.

You just need to filter it and it goes as fast as lightning.

-Keep driving. -You pour oil in it?

-Sure. Keep driving! -Isn't it dangerous?

Of course not. It just smells like fries sometimes.

What a ride!

-And we're here. -Yeah.

-Go to your granny, hurry. -Hi, grandma.

Hi, come here! Come to me!

Wow, don't knock me down.

Come here.

-Hi, Mom. -Hi.

Hi.

He's been restless all day. As if he knew you were coming.

But he's calm now, you see?

Come home.

She couldn't. She didn't want to give up and lose her dreams.

Maybe deep down she was still hoping that Kamil wasn't such a moron after all.

Mommy, it won't fit in my tummy anymore.

-Not even a bit? -No.

Okay, give it to me.

What about your dad? Does he visit you?

Of course.

Mommy plays him on TV for us sometimes.

We play a game who sees him first and I always win.

-Not always. -I do.

He hasn't been around lately.

But he gave the kids a tablet with all his films.

It's all they talk about.

We can watch him only when mommy is mad.

Mom never watches it because she says daddy is an asshole.

Come on, you little Indians. I'll show you our rabbits.

We have new ones. Careful.

Give him a bit more.

Here.

-When are you going back to Prague? -Tomorrow. I must go to work.

Yeah.

They want to promote me so I can't mess it up.

Will you leave the kids here then?

-I'll pick them up on Sunday. -I meant for longer.

At least for a week. It's summer vacation.

At least you'll get some rest. You really need it.

Are you sure it was a wise choice?

It's very improbable that it will be a boy.

I mean Zdeněk, honey.

He's not a family guy.

Trust me. You won't keep this one at home.

Breathing monitor.

Wow.

That didn't exist back in our time. Communism, you know.

Maternity leave was short. Kids ended up in nurseries.

Nowadays, you have washers, dryers, baby monitors…

And you lose three years sitting home with your kid.

Any woman can be a mother these days.

Thank God your generation had only mature mothers under 20.

We didn't raise you to be cheeky.

And besides, I don't think the overripe mothers of your generation

are any kind of win for the population.

Thank you.

So, have you got a name yet? For the little girl?

No, not yet.

I see. We thought she would be Ludvika.

Actually, we've decided already.

We will name her Hana, right?

She will have your family's last name, Zdeněk.

So you could at least comply with Elizabeth regarding the first name.

It's only fair.

I actually like Hana as well. Hanička.

Yes, that's nice, isn't it, dear? Ludvika is nice too, of course.

It's a beautiful name.

They're both nice names, aren't they, dear?

Aren't they?

Come here.

Did you know that by licking your face

dogs spread various fungal skin diseases?

You could even go blind.

-Mommy just meant… -I meant that if you neutered him,

we'd be willing to take him.

But he must be neutered.

-Well, first of all… -Let's have some dessert.

I won't cut Predator's nuts off just because your mother wants it.

But she has a point with those diseases, you know.

And what if Predator is jealous of the baby?

What do you think he'll do?

Lick her toe?

What if I'm going to be a terrible mother and you'll leave me?

What if something happens to her? I've heard so many scary stories.

About microwaves, washers, dogs, balconies.

-Freezers. -I love you, baby, okay?

It's okay. We'll be fine.

I'm not so sure. But it's the hormones, you know?

I don't know how to stop it.

Don't give me to Cruella. I'll be a good boy.

I won't lick my balls in front of the baby.

-Why the hell did you close the fridge? -What?

And don't call my mom Cruella. She's still my mom.

Oh God, I might be like her one day. It would kill me!

No, baby, it would kill me.

So what's with the tiramisu?

Get the plates, spoons, napkins and a knife.

Look, dear. It's something to relax with.

Or to work out with?

-What's wrong? -I don't know, I guess he's peeing.

Don't worry, he has a nappy.

Disposable nappies add to planet's plastics.

Most people now prefer to be

what they call nappy-free. See my sweetie, that's the deal…

-Here. -Wow, thank you.

It's delicious. Milan can't even make hard-boiled eggs.

It's a bug! Oh, I bit it.

-They are crickets. -What?

Crickets.

They're the future of food.

Oh.

Hedvika saw David as a total anomaly.

He could cook in nature like Jamie Oliver.

He was gorgeous, tender, played the guitar

and first and foremost, he attended to her son.

This is a longboard.

Good boy.

In her eyes, he was like the last white rhino.

So what about us?

You're so hot that I can't handle it anymore.

-Mommy! -I'm coming, baby.

-Mommy! -Sorry.

-No, I'm sorry. -I don't want to pressure you.

I want you too, it's just that…

It's complicated. I'm married.

You're my muse.

You're free. You can do whatever you want.

Do whatever feels comfortable.

Wait. Sorry.

-Some other time. Not here. -Okay.

-Not around Hynek. -I get it.

It's going to be okay.

We don't have to see them for a few weeks now.

Thank God for my perfect wife.

I want to make it up to you.

Let's watch a movie.

We haven't for a while and once Hanka is born, we won't have any time.

How about some old classic?

The Terminator.

-Something more romantic. -Predator.

Where are you? We won't give you up.

-Okay, a compromise. Junior. -What is it?

Pregnant Terminator and it will trigger our parental instincts.

God.

Baby, it's pretty instructive.

I've read that guys identify with male characters better.

So I thought you could experience my pregnancy with me.

I'm not a fucking seahorse.

I'll stand by you, be there for the delivery despite my reluctance.

I'll do anything for you but don't ask me to give birth,

suckle and other bullshit. Why should I…

-It's not… what you said. -Sorry.

Second, don't be rude.

And third, how can you be so insensitive?

I've read that even men can start lactating if you stimulate

your nipples regularly.

Really.

I'm going to have a bath.

To stimulate.

I'll take you to court. I'll take you to court.

Zuzana might have practiced her speech for hours,

but once she saw the father of her kids,

her knees trembled just like the first time they met.

Did I tell you you look like Sandra Bullock?

About a minute ago.

Of course, you're Natalie Portman. I met Sandra at a film set.

Would you like to be an actress? We could work together.

I have some photos from our last film. Do you want to see them?

It took Zuzana three weeks to realize that Kamil was no superstar

but just an ordinary professional extra.

But she already had a bun in the oven.

-I can't do this anymore. -I know, I'm awful.

I have the money for you.

It's not just the money. What about the kids?

I want to have them more often if you agree.

-You'd want that? -Sure.

If you wouldn't mind.

Every other weekend. Or maybe every weekend.

I love our kids. I'm their dad.

And then you could hear…

And he says, “translate.” Finally, a Czech person. Shoot the other one.

They asked him if he could ride a horse.

And he said he could do everything cause he was a fucking star, right?

You look so amazing tonight.

He kicked the horse in the flank, so they had to get a car

and look for the actor everywhere because the horse ran off.

They found him in the gravel, while the horse was grazing.

“Ow, fuck! Are you even a doctor?”

Of course I am, but for horses.

He says, “Kamča,” we hang out, you know?

“Why didn't I give you the part?” And I say, “Dude, the next one is mine.”

So I must get all my teeth fixed.

Do you know how much that costs? Of course, the role would pay for it,

but in order to get it, I must first pay for the dentist.

-What kind of a role is it? -I don't know. A foreign film.

How would you do it with the kids? Would you take them to the set?

I don't want them to be filmed.

Actually,

I was hoping I could see not only them but also you.

Because now I know

that you are the most amazing woman in the universe.

I was such an idiot.

But not anymore.

And I know you won't make the same mistake twice.

That I might not get another chance.

I wouldn't blame you.

But if I didn't try it now, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

So could you forgive me, beautiful?

My other friend had a date too.

I AM HERE.

But in Hedvika's case, it tasted a bit like infidelity.

I've just heard something.

-What? -Hynek.

It's nothing.

But every child under three has a built-in anti-sibling sensor.

-You're not sleeping, Hynek? -No.

No? Baby.

Don't you have a fever? You're on fire!

Come on, you'll be here with mommy.

So?

-Later? -Yeah, later.

Ok, I'll wait here.

And I had a test of courage planned for the night.

PUERPERIUM IS OVER.

-What? -Nothing, just lay me on my back.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-I still have the stitches there, you see? -Okay.

-It's okay. -Wait, wait.

Look.

We don't have to push it.

-Why? -Well…

You don't like me anymore?

-Am I too fat? -You're not.

You're beautiful, but you look like an old woman.

-What? -That's not what I meant.

-Jesus, how could you say that? -But…

To a new mother.

You're such a boor.

Wow…

And I tried so hard because I was so excited…

Well, this is what I meant.

It's that stupid dry shampoo.

-I'll go wash it off. -No, don't go.

Come here.

-I look awful. -No.

You're so beautiful!

Oh!

Ow, it burns like hell!

-What have you eaten? -Sorry.

Only Zuzana got six times what I and Hedvika were denied.

If you pause it at 00:38,

you'll see me behind Karel Roden. He played a fascist.

-Did you watch the films on the tablet? -Sure.

-And did you see? -What?

How I think of you.

-I always wink at the camera, in secret. -Oh, that.

It's because I keep thinking about you.

That's so sweet.

Say hi to the kids.

And last night was… majestic.

I almost forgot how much I miss them for a while.

See you.

Oh, I'm such an idiot.

Here's the alimony.

You know what? Keep it for the teeth.

So you can get the role and be with us.

Thanks.

Go watch a cartoon.

I'll be right there to make you cocoa.

I'm sorry.

-Eyes like a timid doe… -Not now, please.

You let him watch TV?

Sometimes.

Do you know that it kills imagination?

I see.

And based on centuries of evidence, a lover in the closet kills a marriage.

-How much? -Here. 4,252 crowns.

-I see. I'll go get some change. -Sure.

Sára.

Sára!

Quiet, she's just fallen asleep.

Sorry, but four grand?

What did you order for four grand?

Look, I'm trying to save every cent.

I look for the cheapest windows, concrete, bricks and you waste four grand?

I'm sorry, but I want to eat something else than a soup mix from time to time.

Sorry, this money hole wasn't my idea, but I'm quiet.

So you should be quiet too when I order crisps once in a while.

I'm breast-feeding and I'm hungry.

If you're hungry, fine.

But crisps with chili and pepper? That's not exactly food, is it?

Do you know how spicy it is? No wonder she cries all the time.

So now you're an expert on why kids cry?

-Yeah, I read about it at night. -Sure.

I'll tell you a little secret then.

Our baby cries and farts no matter what I eat.

Even if it's just bread, which I eat a lot thanks to you, she still farts!

Your problem is that you eat stuff that makes her fart!

Sure, because you've become an expert on what food causes gas!

You've become an expert on farting!

Great.

It was 4,252.

Pramming is the epitome of motherhood.

Otherwise you're not a good mom.

So, mothers, in all weathers, whether it rains or snows,

in the wind or cold, go out so you raise a little genius.

Hello, you're so pretty.

Hi, sweetie.

-How many kids are you expecting? -Damn, I've just bought you a dummy.

-Hi. -Hey.

It's unethical behavior towards the baby to have sex during pregnancy.

So, you just do it… for him?

What?

-How should I say it? -No, nothing.

-Nothing? -Not at all?

Well, that's actually unethical.

-Wait, Eliška, you don't crave sex? -I don't get it.

-My pregnancy was pretty wild. -I'd never been so horny before.

Me too.

And you won't get laid after you deliver.

I don't know if it's the breast-feeding but since the birth, I've been frigid.

Really?

Well, I had the cravings,

but when we were about to get down to business, Hynek started crying.

Not to mention the nights he spent with us.

And when Zdeněk starts to work and you're on your own,

you'll be lucky not to go crazy.

Don't worry, the first year is okay.

The second one is hell.

So I can't even imagine the third one.

Shut up. I already feel like I'm going crazy.

Really, I'm on my own. Jirka keeps working or renovating.

He only rocks the baby until she starts crying.

And then he's surprised I don't want to do anything at night.

I used to love fucking so much, girls! I want my hormones back.

Maybe nature wanted us to be parents in the first place.

You mean lonely mothers with no sex?

Sorry, Zuzka, I didn't mean it like that.

-Sorry. -That's fine.

Because I'm not lonely anymore.

-No way. You're seeing someone? -What?

-Kamil's come back. -Oh, Kamil.

Has he come back or did you just sleep with him?

What a stupid question. Of course I didn't sleep with him.

Been there, done that.

He pretends to be a dad before he leaves you again.

What do you even know about it? It's different this time.

-Zuzka, we mean well. -Unlike him.

Did he give you the alimony?

Money, money, money, that's all you care about.

Just so you know, I'd rather have 20,000 temp jobs

than get myself locked in a gilded cage like you did.

-Zuzka, we're worried about you. -You should worry about yourselves.

Do you really think, Eliška, that if you stop sleeping with Zdeněk,

-he won't get it somewhere else? -Zuzka, this is too much.

Really, am I too much? You're the one to talk.

At least I'm living in the real world. Damn it.

I just want a dad for my kids.

What's wrong with that?

I want them to see him in real life, not just in their tablet!

I want to have time to cook for them.

I want someone to hug me and say it's going to be okay.

I don't want to do everything on my own.

Forgive me for that.

Which pram is that?

Here.

-You've cooked? That's great. -Yeah, but just for the baby.

Oh.

Don't take that, please. I'll need it. Thanks.

Around that time, Jirka and I started to feel

that besides the baby and worries, we had nothing in common.

Listen,

have you ever wondered

how many hours a day you spend on your phone?

Has it ever occurred to you that you could see the world without it?

Do you even know what the world looks like?

Or people?

You don't.

You don't know that.

And do you know why?

Because you're always on your phone.

Did you say something? I was working, so I didn't hear you.

Kamil went MIA again.

But she wasn't ready to give up on him just yet.

-Mommy, it's boring! -Yeah, boring.

Wait, I'll fast forward to your dad.

Let me see.

There you go.

Daddy! Daddy! He's living with us.

Now I know that you are the most amazing woman in the universe.

I was such an idiot.

But not anymore.

And I know you won't make the same mistake twice.

That I might not get another chance.

I wouldn't blame you.

But if I didn't try it now, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

So could you forgive me, beautiful?

TERMINATION OF LEASE

Shit.

Longboard.

-Longboard? -Longboard.

Did your mommy teach you that?

David.

David?

Come on, Hynek. Let's go to bed.

Honey?

Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

This is Grizelda.

-Is that right? -Hmm.

I ordered her for you over the internet. She has the best reviews.

Grizelda…

provides sexual services.

Sex, to be accurate.

I paid her in advance, so she'll do anything you want.

Manual, oral, striptease, intercourse and a complete package.

Sorry?

I know we've had problems lately, so…

What does Gizela do again?

Grizelda.

What do you think she does?

I can't do this.

I thought I could forgive infidelity,

especially when you're not in love with her,

and you just compensate for what I can't give you.

That's why I called Grizelda. I thought that if I took control

over it, I would feel better but…

it's not working.

-What infidelity for fuck's sake? -At least don't curse!

I'm sorry, are we doing it or not? I wouldn't want to give the money back.

Talk.

Start talking, bloody hell!

Do you want me to talk?

Fine, I'll talk then.

Do you know what this is?

Is that from him?

-That's so tacky. -It's from you for our anniversary.

Don't you recognize it?

How could you when you have your 20-year-old secretary buy me gifts?

Do you think I'm completely stupid?

Sorry I forgot what I gave you for our anniversary.

But is that a reason for cheating? What kind of excuse is that?

It's not an excuse! I'm just finally talking!

Because every time I get a text saying, “Sorry, honey, I'm in some shithole,”

I say nothing.

Don't blame this on me. I must work, for fuck's sake,

so I can provide for you and Hynek.

-Do you know how much all this costs? -Here we go again.

The house, cars, insurance, holidays, your fucking art.

-Excuse me? -Would you give up any of that?

How much did it cost? 20 or 120…

Calm down, Milan. First of all, I didn't cheat on you.

-Just don't lie to me. -Sorry?

-How long has it been going on? -Are you listening to me? No.

You're just so egocentric!

A conceited workaholic!

You don't even care whether I cheated on you or not.

It's enough that I only dared to think about someone.

-So you did think about him! -So what if I did?

I'm always alone, Milan. All the time.

I can't even remember when we shared a laugh.

Or anything else for that matter. Not even a damn dinner.

-We're alone every night. -Don't exaggerate.

Am I exaggerating?

I'm not exaggerating!

Hedvika, you know my job, don't you?

How this business works.

I can't afford not to pick up the phone.

Do you think I bloody enjoy being away from you?

That I don't see my son grow?

That I didn't see him start standing up, crawling or walking.

And now some jerk teaches him skateboarding

and Hynek's first word is his name.

Do you think it doesn't fucking bug me? That it makes me happy?

It makes me feel hopeless!

Milan.

Milan.

I swear I didn't cheat on you. I swear.

I just miss you so much.

You did the right thing.

He won't have the chance to leave first now.

We'll settle the divorce in peace. Dad knows the best lawyer in Prague.

You know,

I kind of expected this would happen

and I have everything prepared.

You'll have time to rest and finish your studies.

Maybe you'll fall in love again.

But with someone who deserves you.

Well, I know it's not pink.

Our family prefers tasteful colors.

Don't worry, Eli.

Ludvika will be alright here.

After all, we've already raised one daughter.

-What are you talking about? -What?

-We didn't agree to this… -Oh, please.

Lada.

What?

She's in labor.

-She's not. -Look at her. She is.

She's not. All women in our family gave birth when they were due.

Just look at her.

I think I know if she is in labor or not.

It's okay, baby.

It's okay.

Leave me alone!

Don't worry, baby. I'm right behind you.

-Thanks for calling. -Here you are, go.

She's your daughter, isn't she?

-Here you are. -Thank you.

Our family drama was actually a lot more subtle.

-Bon appétit. -Don't eat it!

Move that away.

Could you put the chopsticks over here?

Great.

Got it.

-Can I eat now? -Hmm.

Bon appétit.

Could you be mentally present for a moment?

What?

If you could be mentally present for a moment.

I am.

I might have to check the internet to see how we're doing today.

-Knock it off. -You knock it off.

Jirka, it's my job.

Your job?

You call that a job?

My pictures paid for Lea's layette.

Since we're discussing work, I wanted to ask you

if you could watch her at least for one day.

I can't. I'm at work and then I work on the house the whole day.

Great, so tell me when I can work.

-Put it off. We're renovating. -Put it off?

You put off the renovation which I didn't even ask you for.

I'm tired of this bullshit of yours.

-You're tired? -Yes.

I am tired.

I'd really love to see you take care of the baby for a single day.

I'll gladly switch places with you.

You keep belittling me and my job.

I think I deserve at least some respect.

Some respect? Get real, Sára.

You sold your own childbirth. What is respectable about that?

Nothing, nothing at all!

-Oh my God, you filmed it yourself! -Because I had to!

But even subtle dramas shouldn't be underestimated.

Can we?

Oh my God.

Oh God.

Come here.

-Can I touch her? -Yeah.

I don't want to wake her up.

Such a little head.

Hello.

Your mom didn't mean it like that.

Put yourself in her shoes.

Maybe with time.

-Is it okay? -Of course.

We have plenty of spare bedrooms.

-You're the best. Thank you. -Oh, girls.

-Hi. -Hi.

I don't want to lose you.

Me neither.

I'll come home and we'll talk.

Wait a minute.

Sára?

Could you keep an eye on Hynek, please?

-Sure. -Tonight?

-Hynek, hold this rattle for a moment. -Why?

Why?

Because it looks cute.

And why?

Because it looks like you're playing with Lea.

-And why? -Why?

You've learnt a new word, right?

-Hi. -Hi.

I've heard you're moving out later this month.

So…

Can I come in?

Are you crazy?

Will it cover the debts?

I'm sorry I meddled in your relationship with Kamil.

No, you were right.

About everything.

I'm done with that bastard for good.

Really? Why are you crying then? Good for you.

But I'm pregnant with him for the third time.

Congratulations.

-Thank you. -It's going to be okay.

And why?

Be good.

I can see you.

And I'm glad to see you.

Will you marry me?

Please.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

CALLING ANDREW - BRUSSELS

NEW BOOK LIAR

My name is Sára.

I am engaged and I have three girlfriends.

I've learnt a lot.

And I didn't just write a status about what I was like before.

I wrote an entire book.

Which earned me another 100,000 followers!

Subtitle translation by: Eva Haasová