All language subtitles for Bernard.And.The.Genie.1991

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(PANTING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SCREAMING)

* He's Mr Success
He's higher than high

* He's sweeter than
the sweetest cherry pie

* He's king of the hill
He's top of the heap

* He's Mr Unique
He's not Mr Chic

* From the shine on his shoe
to the stars in his eye

* If he were a girl,
he'd be Princess Di

* Whoa!

* He's Mr Success
He's higher than high

* He's sweeter than
the sweetest cherry pie

* He's king of the hill
He's top of the heap

* He's Mr Unique.
He's not Mr Chic *

-(KNOCKING)
-PINKWORTH: Come.

PINKWORTH: Ah, Bottle.

Enter ye, enter ye.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, and thanks for
sending your limo, sir.

Oh, pish! Sit ye, sit ye.

-Cigar?
-Oh, no...

Oh, come on. Take ye, take ye.

Excellent.

Well, Bottle, you had quite
a day yesterday, didn't you?

Not bad, sir. Better than
a hefty kick in the trousers.

Oh, come on.
Boast ye, boast ye!

Due to your ability to
ferret out great works of art

in the country houses
of some mad, short-sighted,
old sock knitters,

you've made this firm
£50,000,000 in clear profit.

Well, not quite, sir.
Not once we've paid the
old ladies back their share.

Oh, yes.

Now, I wanted to talk to
you about this, Bernard.

Do you mind if
I call you Bernard?

No, sir. Bernie, if you like.

Yes.

Well, the fact is

Bernard, I haven't quite
mastered this refund bit.

Elucidate ye.

BERNARD: Well, sir,

I bought the paintings
for a song,

but I always said that
if they turned out
to be really valuable,

we'd pay the owners
back properly.

Obviously not the full amount,
because if we hadn't
found them,

the old ladies in question
wouldn't have got anything.

That's a good point, Bernard.

That's a fully-fledged
bastard of a good point.

Yes, so, now that
we've sold them,

I thought we'd
return half the money
to the lovely old birds.

Oh, I see. Excellent!

So, you're suggesting we
return £25,000,000 to
the aforementioned old bats,

and keep a cool
25 mil for ourselves?

That's the ticket, sir.

And I've got list of
some other old ladies

who might have
the odd Gainsborough
tucked away in their attic.

-Have you?
-BERNARD: Yes.

Good. Good.

I like the cut of
your jib, Bottle.

I've been watching you

and I've thinking about
your future with the firm.

-Thank you, sir.
-PINKWORTH: Yes.

I'm already assessing
the prospects for the staff

and so, naturally, my thoughts
have turned to you.

Have they, sir?

Yes, they have, Bernard,
and I've made a big decision.

And what's that, sir?

You're fired.

Sorry, sir?

Fired, Bottle. I sack ye.

I want you and your
philanthropic little arse
out of this building pronto

or I'll have you
arrested for loitering

and probably throw
a charge of sexual harassment
into the bargain.

I'm not with you, sir.

Not any more, you're not.

And if I have
anything to do with it,

you won't be with
anyone else either.

Miss Temple, take a letter.

I want it circulated to
everyone in the art world,

including Gilbert and George.

Dearest darlings,

I write to warn you against
employing a Mr B Bottle,

whom I've just caught
attempting to steal...

Notice "steal" there, Bottle.

£25,000,000 from me.

Don't even interview him.

He has just left my office,

and suddenly my gold fountain
pen has disappeared.

I'm therefore yours,
in crayon.

PS I've just dropped in
on my secretary, who looks
distinctly harassed, sexually.

I think you get the message,
Bottle.

Yes, sir.

Not a very nice message.

No. It's a true blue stinker.

Farewell, Bottle.

And never darken
our doors again.

This is a
profit-making organisation,
not help the aged.

Wait a minute.
This isn't just a lovely joke

before you
promote me to head of
department, is it, sir?

No.

Oh.

Right, bugger ye off!

* He's Mr No Good
He's Mr Depressed

* His butt has been kicked
His life's in a mess

* He's Mr Despair
He's Mr Bad Luck

* He's Mr Hedgehog
under Mr Truck *

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Home early, sir?
Did they give you
the day off as a reward?

Well, no. Actually, Kepple,
they fired me.

-Oh, no, sir.
-Oh, yes, Kepple.

I make them a fortune and they
blooming well kicked me out.

That's terrible, sir.
Exactly the same thing
happened to me.

I used to work
for this big oil firm.

I discovered the formula for
a new kind of petrol,

cleaner, cheaper,
more efficient,
kinder to the environment.

Handed it in, the next day
they fired me.

I never saw
a penny of the profits.

-Is that true, Kepple?
-No, sir, it's not.

-Not true?
-No, sir.
It's a total lie, sir.

I thought it might
cheer you up.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

That's very decent
of you, Kepple.

(SIGHING)

JUDY: (RECORDING)
Hello, I'm sorry I'm not
in my office at the moment.

Please leave a message.
I'll get back to you. Bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

(GROANING)

Hello?

Hi, Kev. Bernie here.

Oh, hi. Look, um,
things are a bit complicated
right now, okay?

God, you are like a rabbit.
You never stop.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, look, I've got some pretty
grizzly news, could do with
a shoulder to cry on.

I've just tried Judy,
but she's out.

You don't know where
she is, do you?

Um, well, uh.
(WHISPERING) It's Bernie!

-What?
-I do, actually.

BERNARD: Oh, great.

Hello, Bernard.

Oh? Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, look, you're not gonna
believe what's gone and

blooming well happened.
I reported in to work
this morning, and...

Wait a minute,

what in the banana tree
are you doing there?

Well, you had to
find out some time.

It might as well be now.

Look, the thing is,
Kevin and I
are deeply in love.

Yeah, sorry about this, mate.

And we thought, seeing as
you're getting so successful
and everything these days...

KEVIN: Yeah, congratulations.
Great news!

JUDY: Perhaps you wouldn't
mind so much us telling you.

(STAMMERING) Wait a minute.
You, uh...

Let me get this straight.
You mean, you and Kevin...

JUDY: Yeah, that's right.

Thanks for introducing us,
mate.

Oh, and Bernie, by the way,
just as a matter of interest,

you know how you used to
wonder why it was that
Kevin got so many girlfriends?

Yes, why does he get
so many girlfriends?

JUDY: Because he's so
good in bed.

Oh, great.

(PHONE RINGING)

-JUDY: Bernie?
-Yes?

I was just thinking, darling,
do you mind if I
just come around?

Oh, no, please do.
I'm sure there's nothing
a good chat can't sort out.

I wanna get my stuff.

I'm really eager to
get settled in here.

Oh, good. Excellent news.

(LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS
BY MUD PLAYING)

* It will be lonely
this Christmas

* Without you to hold

* It will be
lonely this Christmas

* Lonely and cold

* It'll be cold, so cold

* Without you to hold
this Christmas

* Each time I remember
the day you went away

* And how I would listen
to the things you had to say

* I just break down
as I look around

* And the only things I see
are emptiness and loneliness

* And an unlit Christmas tree

(CRASHING)

* It'll be cold, so cold

* Without you to hold
this Christmas *

BERNARD: I remember last year,
when you and I were here.

We never thought
there'd be an end.

And I remember looking
at you then.

And I remember thinking
that Christmas must have
been made for us.

'Cause darling,
this is the time of the year
that you really,

you really need love.

(POPPING)

When it means so very,
very much.

So, it'll be lonely
this Christmas
without you to hold.

(EXPLOSION)

What happened?

Seems to have been
some sort of explosion, sir.

Good Lord, how am I?

Do I still look vaguely human
or have I turned into
Julian Lloyd Webber?

No, you're fine, Mr Bottle.

Just a little bang
on your head,

-and one severely
singed testicle.
-(GASPING)

You'll be out of here
in the morning.

Don't you worry, sir,
I had a friend who had
both his legs blown off

and he was up
and walking around
in a fortnight.

-Is that true, Kepple?
-Not exactly, sir.

Right, now you just rest,
and tomorrow your friend will
pick you up.

Thank you, sister.

Thanks for sticking with me
last night, Kepple.

That's fine, sir.
They didn't nickname me
Sticky Kepple for nothing.

Your nickname was
Sticky Kepple?

No sir, it wasn't.

They don't go in for
nicknames in the navy.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

I didn't know you were
in the navy, Kepple.

I wasn't, sir.
Can't stand the sea.

However, be that as it may,
if you ever need anything,

you just call and I'll be
up there faster than a
poker up a pervert.

(BELL DINGING)

Indeed.

Anchors aweigh, sir.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, you're a maniac.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Kepple, Kepple! Save me!

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

There's nothing left to steal!

My blooming girlfriend's
gone and nicked the lot!

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Oh, Lord, have mercy.
I wish you could
speak English.

I can.

You can?

Yes, your wish is my command.

Now, beware, oh, short one.

You smell of peppermint
and it is time to die.

Sorry?

-GENIE: You smell
of peppermint.
-No, no, before that.

Beware, oh, short one.

No, no, no, further back.
Right at the top.

Unfortunately,
your wish is my command.

Okay, then I wish you'd
stop trying to kill me.

-Damn.
-(CLATTERING)

(YELLING)

Okay, what's the story?

How the blooming hell
did you get into my house?

I was in the blooming lamp.

Yes, very likely. And how do
large transvestites get inside
lamps these days?

A blooming wizard did it
and made me into
a blooming genie

without so much as a
blooming "by your leave".

I'm dealing with a mad man.
Don't move!

This is one of these
really scary Bulgarian
poison-tipped umbrellas.

One prick is fatal.

I'm going to ring the police.

Damn, I wish there was
a phone in here.

(SCREECHING)

Have you just injected
LSD into my bottom?

Look, I've explained this.
I'm a genie.

Oh, come off it, mate.
Who's ever heard of genies?

Well, you, obviously.

Look, we're like ghosts
and dragons and uricorns.

You don't think they exist
until you meet them.

So, all I have to do is wish?

As far as I know.

The training for
this stupid job
is practically non-existent.

Well, you'd better get
your next alibi
ready pretty quickly,

because I wish this chair
was Melvin Bragg.

I wish it wasn't.

Sorry, Melvin.

Lord in heaven, you mean...

So, for instance...

If I were to wish my pockets
were full of money...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Kevin,
I'm worried about Bernard.

Yeah, I'm worried
about him too, baby.

This guy is my best friend.
I'd do anything
not to hurt him.

I know.

I know.

But you know, baby,
Bernard's always lived in
a bit of a dream world.

I mean, I love this man,
but he looked like a turnip.

If what you say is true,
he had all the sexual skills
of a small Dutch cheese.

Well, a medium-size
Dutch cheese.

And yet he still thought
he could go out with
a goddess like you.

Fact is that some time
Bernard's gotta come down
to earth.

Gotta realise that
it's a tough dog-stabs-dog-
in-the-back-

and-then-eats-dog world.

We're doing him a favour.

The sooner Bernie faces
up to reality the better.

So, all I have to do is wish?

As far as I know.

Wish my mum could see me now.

Hello, Bernard.

Are you feeding
yourself properly?

And what a condition
this place is in.

On second thought,
no offence, Mum,
I wish she couldn't.

I have to be very careful,
don't I?

Yes, say the words "I wish"
with the caution you would

normally reserve for
"please castrate me".

Yes.

Oh, this could be brilliant.

But I think we should
sort out just exactly how
it's going to work.

(GARGLING)

Mmm.

Things must have
changed somewhat
since you were last out.

(LAUGHING) I bet. So tell me,
how's old Caesar?

Caesar?

Yes, the emperor.

Uh, well, you see, he's dead.

No, what happened?

He was stabbed in the capital.

God. So who's in charge now?
Brutus?

No, he's dead too.

Wow, a real massacre.

Yeah.

Look, um, there's something
I think I ought to explain.

You see, you've obviously
been inside the lamp slightly
longer than you think.

How long?

Well, give or take
a day or two,
two thousand years.

No.

Two thousand years?

Most of my friends will
be dead.

All, I think is
a more likely guess.

Yes, and my girlfriend,

my mother, my father,
my sister.

The kittens. Wow.

-I'm very sorry.
-No, no. I'm the one who
should be sorry.

Last thing you need
around the place is
a gloomy genie.

Go ahead, make some wishes.
Go ahead. I'll be fine.

Oh, no, for heaven's sake.

I know how you feel.

My life hasn't been
too rosy recently either.

Getting teased a lot about
the stupid haircut?

No.

Everything has been
pretty crappy.

I just got sacked and then
found out that my fiancée was
sleeping with my best friend.

Do you wish me to kill them?

Um, no, that's not really
the way we do things
any longer.

Well, how do you deal with
your enemies these days?

Well, um, we kinda
don't see them,

you know, sort of spurn them.
Spurn them.

And, then the odd
nasty look, kind of,
uh, the sarcastic remark,

and then we kind of encourage
our other friends, you know,
not to see them,

and to be a bit sarcastic too.

That's it?

So, it's not
all progress then?

Still, don't get
too depressed.
Look on the bright side,

your fiancée is
buried in the arms of
your best friend.

Mine is buried in an artichoke
patch in Jerusalem.

Good point.

I know, I wish you weren't
so depressed.

No, it doesn't work.
You can't change people's
feelings with wishes.

Oh, dear.

Then we're in trouble,
aren't we?

What say we have
a bite to eat?

How does a hamburger grab you?

A what?

Oh, well, it's
two all-beef patties,

special sauce, lettuce,
cheese, pickles, onions,
in a sesame seed bun.

Mmm.
I might take out the pickles.

You wouldn't be the first.

I wish we had two Big Macs.

Have a try.

Um, take it out of
the box first.

Everybody dead,
all I ever wanted
was to get out of the lamp.

Now, I almost wish I hadn't.

On the other hand,
bite my beetroot,
that is fantastic!

You get the right price,
you could sell
hundreds of these.

Well, they do sell
quite a few.

There's a difference
about this people will enjoy.

Even the pickles are nice.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Something wrong?

No, something
unbelievably right.

My ears want to mate
with this music
and have its children.

Tell me, who is
this guy, Bernie?

It's a chap called Mozart.

This is my kind of guy.
Incredible!

This new music is great.

That isn't modern music.
This is.

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

That is fantastic!

Mate me with a mango!
All right!

Whoo!

Tell me, Bernie,
what colour is this guy?

-Black.
-Thought so.

(KNOCKING)

Ah, girls, girls.
Enter ye, enter ye.

Sit ye, sit ye.

Now, as you probably heard,
Mr Bottle left us yesterday.

And I've been
worrying about it.

Do either of you think
I was a little harsh on him?

Well, sir, I think perhaps
you might have given
him a warning?

Good, good.

You're fired.

I want you out of here
in two minutes,

you disastrously faded
old crone.

Exit ye, exit ye.

Thirty-five years.

Now, Miss Purse, no pressure.

Just old friends talking.

Just bosom buddies bantering.

Any opinions on
the Bottle scenario?

Inspired move, sir.

Thank you.

But I have, as I said,
been worrying,

because Bottle had a list of
some other priceless paintings
and I want it back.

I want you to search
his office and if
it isn't there,

we'll just have to go to
where he lives and steal it.

I shall start looking
immediately, sir.

Good. No pressure,
you understand? No pressure.

Although, for the moment,
I'll just put your
Christmas bonus on hold.

-Yes, sir.
-PINKWORTH: Thank ye,
thank ye.

Oh, by the way, Miss Purse,

I was joking about
the Christmas bonus.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You weren't getting
one anyway.

Who do you think I am?
Felicity Kendal?

If you want money,
work for it.

I did and I won't let any
little creep take it from me.

So, I really can have
absolutely anything?

Yup. (LAUGHING)

Okay. Well, for a start,
let's brighten up
this flat a bit.

(EXCLAIMING)

Unbelievable!

Okay, I wish I had
the Mona Lisa on that wall.

Oh, my God.

Hmm, cute chick.

Bit of a smudge around
the mouth though.

Here, let me sort that out.

No, no, no, no.
Best leave it I think.

Unbelievable, fantastic.

GENIE: Yeah, bit of a tease
though, eh?

Yeah, I could just stay here
all night just staring at her.

(YAWNING)

Oh, look, sorry, I'm not being
a very good host, am I?

You'd probably like to
take a look around.

Good idea!

Uh, yes, things have changed
quite a lot in
the last 1,000 years.

I'll say. For instance,
in my day this would've
made an attractive hat.

Look, I'll take you
around town if you like.

Excellent.

Damn.

The only thing is,
after all that business
at work,

I don't actually have
any transport.

Hot spots, here we come. Whoo!

I think it's fair to say that
the people from Allied Carpets

will be genuinely surprised
by this.

The real skill of course is
in the landing.

BOTH: Whoa!

(CRASHING)

(COUGHING)

And I think I need
a little more practise.

Look, uh, before we go
any further,

I think we should do
something about the clothes.

What? You cannot get
hotter than this.

Chicks see this stuff and die.

Yes, I'm sure.
I just wish we had
the modern equivalent.

Yes, now that's a lot better.

I feel fantastic.

And I look it too.

Whoo! You are cute.

I must say,
I don't normally come here.

It's got rather
dirty recently.

Ha. You call this dirty?

Where I come from,
you go out shopping,
you come back with leprosy.

People used to urinate
on their vegetables

to give it that
early-morning-dewy-fresh look.

This is the cleanest place
I've ever seen
in my whole life.

Let's boogie.

Ah, delicious.
I'm glad dog meat
is still popular.

(MOVIE PLAYING)

(CRYING)

Get him, Arnie!

He's an alien and he's
killing absolutely everyone!

Get him!

GENIE: Hasta la vista, baby.

That was unbelievable.
Those people were huge.

Tell me,
where do they all live?

Uh, most of them are
in Los Angeles.

That's the place for me.
That woman's breasts were
60-feet high.

Which flavour would you like?

Uh...

That one.

This is great, Bernie.
In my country there's only
one type of dessert

and it tastes disgusting.

Oh, my God.

Take out my eyeballs
and fry them in ginger.

That is unbelievable.

Here, hold that.

Hey, everybody, come in here!
This stuff is brilliant!

It's really cold and it tastes
completely of strawberries.

It's wonderful!

They've all tried that.
It's nothing special
to them any more.

You're crazy! I think I'll try
a few more flavours.

Bernie, it's great to be here.

Ha.

Let's go.

NEWSPAPER VENDOR: The Daily
Standard! The Daily Standard!

(PANTING)

BERNARD: How do you feel?

A bit sick actually,
but it's okay.

I haven't had
a stomach ache
for 2,000 years.

It's like the return
of an old friend.

Mr Beardy again.

Is he like emperor here
or something?

No, no. It's Christmas.

Which is a kind of holiday
we have at this time of year.

And the chap in the beard
goes around with
his flying reindeer,

and then comes down chimneys
and gives children presents.

-Wow!
-Yeah.

And what do you want
for Christmas?

A car and a train
and three Nintendos.

Yes, and a pencil's
also nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Except, he doesn't in fact
come down chimneys,

and it isn't actually him
who gives the presents.

Do the reindeer really fly?

I think not.

Mr Beardy is beginning
to sound like
a bit of a non-event.

BERNARD: Yes, Christmas isn't
what it used to be.

Santa's real funny.

Now it's just the time
the kids learn to
live with disappointment.

Ah, speaking of which, I'm a
bit disappointed

that we haven't eaten
anything for a while.

It's been a good,
oh, 20 minutes since
my last full meal.

Your wish is my command.
(LAUGHING)

(SLURPING)

Ah!

Well, I've sucked on some
pretty wonderful things,

Bernie, but that
takes the biscuit.

You and I are going to be a
wonderful partnership.
I can see it now.

But, you know, there's more to
me than fantastic pants.
I'm going to find you a woman.

-Oh, no.
-Starting right now.

Okay, now those two
over there are definitely out!
Ew! Bit wrinkly.

And she, she's pretty cute.
Okay, she's a
bit older than you

but if she shakes her booty
the way she shakes her milk...

-On the other hand...
-Oh, no, please.

-Ah, you like the look of her?
-Well...

Leave it to me.
I'm pretty experienced
at this kind of thing.

Oh, thank God it's near
closing time, we're
runnin' out of pencils.

-Good evening.
-Oh, hello! Great hair.

Thank you very much.
Myself and my friend with
the very unfortunate hair,

but he's very fertile
and has a large inheritance,

couldn't help noticing
the splendid work you
were doing with the children.

Oh, thanks.
It's hell, actually.

Santa drinks like a fish and
these hot pants were tailor-
made for Bonnie Langford.

Indeed. Would you care to
join us for a shake of milk

or perhaps you'd like me to
organise something more formal

where your parents
were involved?

No. No, I'll just have a
cup of coffee and fly.

-What a coincidence!
We're flying too.
-Is that right?

Yes. (LAUGHING) Could you hang
on for just one second please?

-Certainly.
-Thank you.

Actually, you better make that
two coffees. Santa keeps on
dozing off over the children.

It's going very well.
She says her pants are hot.

She wants your body
and she wants it now.

-She does not.
-She does. A little
more negotiation,

and the match will be made,
depending, of course, on proof
of child-bearing capability.

So, is that your flying
carpet then?

-Yes, it is. Would you
fancy a ride?
-Oh, no!

The reindeer can get very
jealous if I use alternative
means of transport.

(LAUGHING)

Very amusing.
Now, down to business.

Obviously, the question of
the dowry raises
its ugly head.

-Uh, I'm sorry. He's not
from around here.
-No.

I sort of guessed that.

I think your hair's
quite nice. Bye.

(GENIE COOING)

It's a dead set.
I can see it now.

The loving relatives,
the priest, the staggeringly-
attractive best man,

the shagged-out bridesmaids.

(LAUGHING)

No, somebody like that
would never fancy me.

Of course she would.
All we have to do is
sex you up a bit.

Like how?

Well, if you don't
mind my saying so,
Bernie, you are a bit neat.

What you need is that
rough look.

You need to be given that
sexy unshaven thing.

-(ROARING)
-You mean scruffy?

Scruffy can be sexy.

Okay, I wish I looked
like Bob Geldof.

-Oh, my God!
-What do you think, eh?

-A certain rugged charm?
-Might be one way
of putting it.

A total blooming mess
might be another.

Now don't be so damn cheeky.

Isn't that Mick Jagger?

Oh, Bernie, I liked you
the way you were.

Let's have a look.
Bloody hell, you're right.

This voice is getting
on my nerves as well.
I wish I was me again.

Mr Cute. Oh, that's my boy.
Welcome back. What next?

Well, I thought we could go
back home and
check out Mona.

Brilliant idea, although
I have an even
more brilliant one.

Why don't you go home and
check out Mona

and I'll go and check out
those 60-foot breasts again.

Are you sure you'll be all
right without me?

Of course.
More importantly, will you be
all right without me?

-Oh yes. I've chewed
up distinctly.
-Good.

Happy days are here again.
Whoo!

(DOGS BARKING)

-Argh!
-Ugh!

BERNARD: Sorry!

-(STAMMERING) Uh, I...
-We'll take that,
if you don't mind.

We don't want anyone else
brutally assaulted, do we?

Send for some assistance,
Alan.

Can I ask you why
you're here? Is there...
Is there something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact
there is, Mr Bottle.

You're about to be
accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, sir.
What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd
pop around for a little
Christmas drinky

with my old pal, Bernie.

And I discover this list of
priceless paintings that you
stole from our office.

Then I happened to
inspect the walls

and discovered this dear lady.

-Do you recognise that
picture, Mr Bottle? Hmm?
-Oh, yes, of course, I do.

It was stolen from the Louvre
earlier today.

It is a magnificent work,
isn't it?

No matter how much time
passes, one cannot quite get
over the wonder of that smile.

And somehow it seems to
have made its way here.

-Yes, well, I think
I can explain that.
-Yes?

-Yes?
-Yes?

Yes. Well, um, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)
You see, the thing is,

-there's this lamp...
-(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

Um...
Well, on second thoughts,
I think I can't explain it.

I wish it wasn't here.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

I wish it wasn't here!

-(ARROWS WHISTLING)
-Good shot, Robin.

I wish it wasn't here.

Well, I'm afraid it is.

-You're coming with us.
-Oh.

Excuse me if I don't keep you
company, gentlemen.

Christmas bash at Number 10.
Don't want to keep poor Johnny
and dear Norma waiting.

As for you, what
can I say, Bottle?

God rest ye merry.
God rest ye.

* I don't mean to be crude
Don't mean to be rude

* But Mr Success is
Mr Totally Screwed

* Life can be tough
Life can be unfair

* He's off to meet
Mr Electric Chair

Don't you worry, sir. I was
once arrested for murder and
sentenced to death by hanging.

-Is that right, Kepple?
-Oh, yes.

We tried to appeal but
the high court threw it out.

I was caught red-handed,
you see, sir. Smoking gun
in the victim's mouth.

So there I was.
Noose round the neck,
padre in attendance,

mother in tears,
no hope in sight.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

And?

Oh, it all turned all right in
the end, sir. Just a few
of the lads larking about.

Thank you, Kepple.

(BELL DINGING)

Pigs.

All right.

(CLEARS THROAT) Name?

Bottle, Bernard.

-Crime?
-Grand theft.

And murder of a
police officer.

Really?

Yes. Well, I wonder if he's
guilty. It's a tricky one.

The Mona Lisa hanging in his
front room,

and three witnesses
who saw him clubbing
his victim to death.

Do you know something,
Alan, you're right.

It's one of those ones juries
really agonise over.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

All said and done,
not a good day.

You can make one phone call.

Might I recommend a priest?
Either that or a publisher.

I believe tales from death row
are always big sellers.

Please be in. Please be in.

-(MUSIC BLARING)
-(PHONE RINGING)

-(MUSIC BLARING)
-(PHONE RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

-(WHIRRING)
-(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Josephus! Hello, Josephus?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

We're dealing with a highly
trained villain, sir.

The first five times
there's no reply.

Then twice the phone's picked
up but put down straight away.
Textbook stuff.

Brilliant work, Parker.
Obviously, the accomplice
has returned to the flat.

We got them by the
short and painfuls.
They're doomed, Parker.

-Doomed, sir.
-Doomed.

He said, "Well,
when we have none,
ours is £3".

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'll come back when
you have none.

Fair enough, I'll come back
when you have none.

(LAUGHING) No gags like the
old gags, eh, Frankie?

(GUNS COCKING)

-Hi, guys, can I help?
-We'd like you to come
with us, Sunshine.

Certainly! You know, he's
really tiny but very funny.

Love the uniform. Kinky.

-Spread him!
-Mmm, I was right. Very kinky.

-Don't try and be funny.
-Mmm! Tasty.

Thank you for the
bracelet, but do you think
it goes with the pendant?

Name?

Can I just say before I
answer that, that is an
absolutely splendid beard,

although it might be more
useful if you wore it on
top of your head.

-Just ignore him.
He's a smartass.
-Name?

Josephus.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(YELPING)

Get in there! Smart ass.

Anything you say,
Smart Uniform.

Bernie! My oldest, dearest
pal. Where've you been?

-Here.
-Funny choice. Still, it does
have a certain kooky charm.

Colourful toilet and those
guys out there are fun.

It's not a choice.
We are in real trouble.

I could spend the rest of
my life in prison, you know.
It's no joke.

No joke? Not amusing?

What happened?

Oh, God! It's too
depressing to explain.

Even with a genie
I'm a disaster.

When I got home last
night they arrested me for
nicking the Mona Lisa.

The only girlfriend I'll ever
get now will be six
foot two, with a full beard.

-Sounds okay to me.
-Oh, come on, be serious!

I killed a policeman.

God, poor bastard.
And his family...

I mean, he leaves home at
9:00 am in a Panda car

and comes home at midnight
in a plastic bag,

murdered by an
ex-art dealer with a scimitar.

Oh, dear.
If only I'd been there.

I wish you had.

What? You can do that!

For you, anything.

Ouch. Ouch.

Ah! Good evening, officers.

Good evening, Mr Bottle.

Hi. Sorry, is there
something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact
there is, Mr Bottle.

You're just about to be
accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, sir.
What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd pop
around and have a little
drinky with my old pal Bernie.

And I discover this list of
priceless paintings that you
stole from our office.

Then I happened to inspect
the walls and discovered
this dear lady.

Ah, yes, Kylie, my
absolute favourite.

Wait a minute,
what's going on here?

You told us it was
the Mona Lisa.

Well, yes, it was
the Mona Lisa.

-I like this chick better.
-Yeah, it's a fabulous work.

And no matter how much
time passes, one still can't
quite get over the wonder

of that smile.

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello.
-Ah, so that's what it's for.

What?

Apparently the painting has
been returned.

-What do you mean, "returned"?
-OFFICER: It's back
in the Louvre.

I think we owe these
people an apology.

Mr Bottle and, uh, Mr, uh...

Smart Ass.

Yes, um...

Sorry to disturb you,
Mr Smart Ass.
We'll be off now.

Thank God for that.
I can't think of anything
we'd like to do

less than hang around
with scum like you.

Come again, Sunshine?

Yes, you're obviously
a slime bag

and living proof that man is
directly related to the slug.

And your face looked familiar
when I first saw it,

and now I remember seeing
something very similar whilst

washing down the hind
quarters of a camel!

You what?

And you are a very large turd
in a horrible pink shirt.

I beg your bloody pardon?

Do you wish I'd never
said any of that?

Yes, I do.

Well, goodbye, gentlemen.
It's nice to meet you.

You're an honour to the force,
the pair of you.

Thanks, governor.

-And Merry Christmas.
-Happy New Year.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Well, I'm so thrilled you're
still alive. I'm so pleased
I didn't kill you.

Yes, right.

Goodbye, sir. Lovely shirt.

Although I do wish you
hadn't taken that list.

But do pop around for
a drink anytime and give
the PM one from me.

Certainly. Thank you, Bottle.

-Thank you, sir.
-Bye, Flower.

(CACKLING) My friend!

-I suspect it's gonna
be a very merry Christmas.
-Whoo!

(WHIRRING)

-Have you seen my toothbrush?
-No.

(WHIRRING)

I put this in the water, yes?

-Yes, not too much though.
-GENIE: How much is too much?

Well, uh, just put in a drop.

I think it's too late.

-(SHEEP BLEATING)
-Oh!

(FLUSHING)

(BLEATING)

(CLUCKING)

(WHOOPING)

-BERNARD: Ready?
-Yeah.

BOTH: Let's rock.

* Peace on Earth

* And mercy mild

* God and sinners reconciled

So tell me about
this Christmas thing.

Well, it's become a
very big commercial thing
in recent times.

Oh, I like commercial.
I like commercials.

Fly Fishing by J R Hartley.

Yeah, but originally,

it was supposed to
celebrate the birth of this
chap called Jesus Christ

who was born, well,
about 2,000 years ago.

-Jesus, you say?
-Yeah.

But I knew this guy.

-You did not.
-I did! What did he do
to get so famous?

Well, he turned out to be
the son of God.

-No, I thought he was kidding.
-No. True blue.

Damn it. I knew there was
something special about him

from the moment
I first met him.

-You met him?
-Of course.

He helped out with the wine
at my brother's wedding.

Wait a minute, so you were at
the wedding at Cana.

Well, I think so but by the
end of it I was so completely
legless, I can't be sure.

This is so bizarre.
I told him, you could be
a big money spinner,

but oh, no, goody two-shoes
was having none of it.

One night we're on the boat.
He walks on water.

You were there!

One day 5,000 people
came out to see him talk and
they didn't have any food.

-So, guess what he did?
-Produced loaves and
fishes for them all.

Yes. I said, let's open
a restaurant right now. We'll
call it "Something Fishy",

but he didn't like the name.

Anyway, happy birthday, Big J.
A crap businessman
but a great human being.

-To Big J.
-Big J.

So, tell me, what
happened to him?

He was crucified.

-No! You're kidding?
-BERNARD: Afraid not.

Wow. There's no need for that.
This is a wonderful guy.

-But being the son of God,
he came back to life again.
-Oh, great! Is he still alive?

Not really, no.
You see, he rose
up into heaven.

Huh. Lucky for you. Jesus was
not keen on people making
money out of religion.

One day I was in the temple
when they tried to turn it
into a supermarket.

Jesus went
in there and kicked arse.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yes, but with
smaller pectorals.

Yeah, well, unfortunately,
it seems the big money
people are taking over.

Hmm, but it's time for the no
money people to strike back.

Let's make some
wishes for Big J, his way.

You're the boss. Let's do it!

GENIE: Thank you.

Here's the ticket.

Merry Christmas.

Hi-ya!

Look, Mummy. Look, Mummy.

CHILDREN: Merry Christmas!

Look, Mummy.

(CHATTERING)

CHILDREN: Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Look, Mummy.
Look what I've got.

Mummy, look!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

-Merry Christmas.
-Oh, you too.

What about you?
You fancy him as well?

CARRIE: Is that for me?

So what did you wish for?

(EXPLOSION)

-What was that?
-Don't worry, Bernie.
It was just a warning.

Now what about you?
What would you like
for Christmas?

-Well, I have had one
or two little thoughts.
-Oh, good.

Littlewoods have
announced their
largest ever pools winner.

Mr Frank Kepple,
a doorman in Wandsworth,
has won £3,000,000.

(SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Today, he said
it won't change his life.

No, you see, this is in fact
the fourth time I have won the
£3,000,000 prize.

No, I don't believe it!
(LAUGHING)

Oh, dear, the lift is stuck.
It's never done that before.

And in Badsey tonight,
the cracking of
a major drugs ring.

Kevin Bell,
the city financier,

was found with 30 pounds
of marijuana stored
under his bed.

-Look, it's a plant.
-I think you'll find it's a
hundred plants, actually.

-More like a thousand.
-Will if it was all there, why
didn't he ever give me any?

-Tragic.
-Really terrible.

And they look such
a nice couple.

And finally, a charming
Christmas story.

This evening, the Queen
received an unexpected letter
at Buckingham Palace.

It included a cheque from arts
dealer, Charles Pinkworth,

-donating £100,000,000
to Christmas charities.
-BOTH: £100,000,000.

We went down to the
house where a grateful
crowd has gathered.

* For he's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us *

-Mr Charles Pinkworth?
-Yes?

What made you
make this extraordinary
generous gesture?

What gesture?

BOTH: £100,000,000!

The £100,000,000
cheque to the Queen.

Repeat ye.

Buckingham Palace apparently
received a £100,000,000
charity cheque from you.

(MUMBLING)

You've become a national hero,
because of your generosity.

Have I?

A knighthood is
surely on its way.

I wish it wasn't on its way.

-Is it?
-No, no. Apparently, it's not.

(SNICKERING)

INTERVIEWER: But
please tell the nation
what your motives were.

Fifty million people
want to know.

Yes. Well, Christmas is very
much a time for giving

and I thought it was about
time that somebody from
the commercial sector

put their money where
their mouth was

and gave their entire fortune
away to the needy.

(SNICKERING)

Fortune for which he's worked

for 25 bloody years.

-(LAUGHING UNCONTROLABLY)
-Yee-haw!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

* For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

* And so say all of us

(CACKLING)

And what a wonderful
story that is.
Now the Christmas weather.

And for the first time in 15
years, deep, deep, snow.

(CHEERING)

From all of us here, goodbye,
and a very Merry Christmas.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Er, not quite.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

BERNARD: Excuse me, please,
thank you.

-Ah, snack time.
-Mmm-mmm.

A little light refreshment.

So, what do you want for
Christmas, Josephus?

Oh, new pair of pants,
whatever you like.

Chicken tandoori
flavoured toothpaste.

No, come on.
You know, when we first met,

I was the most wretched bloke
in the whole world.

Except maybe
for that guy who's married
to Esther Rantzen.

Maybe.

But now, you know,
I'm as happy as Michelle
Pfeiffer's underpants.

And I'd like to give you
somethin' fab for Christmas.

-Well, there is
something, Bernard.
-Mmm-hmm?

But it's blooming
hard to ask for.

No, just you ask away.
Whatever it is, it's yours.

I wanna go home.

See, I like it here.

I love little Frank Austin and
I love big Kevin Costner.

I love Post-it notes.

I love you.

But I miss things.

I miss my family.

I don't have anybody to
write Christmas cards to.

I miss my fiancée.

I miss Eggbird and Peewee.

-The kittens?
-The kittens.

(SIGHING) And no one stirfries
rabbit droppings
like my mom does.

Yes, well...
People rather seem to have
lost the knack there.

Oh, dear.

Yes. Well, surely.

And there's another thing, if
I could just get the recipe

for these 100% beef
patty things.

You could make a bob or two?

Exactly! And if I could
memorise the songs by
Mr Barry White,

I could snog every babe
in a yashmak

from Mount Hebron
to the Red Sea.

We got it together, didn't we?

Yeah, sure, I understand.

You should go.

But first, there's one
thing I'd like to try.

-Don't be nervous, Bernie.
-Oh! (GASPING)

Don't worry, I've got you.
(LAUGHING)

That's where I was born.

Hey!

-That was a fabulous
tour, Bernie.
-Thank you.

Rome wasn't quite as big as I
expected it to be, but New
York? Wow! That was fantastic.

Yeah, the Americans have put
a lot of work into it.

-Tell me, why are there no
tall buildings in Beirut?
-That's a long story.

Take me home, James.

I can't believe you
wished for this stuff,
it's bloody freezing.

Well, here we go.

Goodbye.

You great, big funky dude.

I'd like to say I'd call,

but the phone system
in first-century Palestine
is absolute crap.

Okay. (SNIFFLING)

-Are you sure you
got enough stuff?
-I think so.

Look, um,
if you bump into Jesus,

tell him to keep an
eye on Judas.
He's a nasty piece of work.

Okay.
I have a present for you.

Take it from me. It may not
look like much but it may come
in handy when I leave.

Okay, fine, thanks.

-When you're looking through
that old Bibble...
-Bible.

Whatever. And it says "and the
multitude gathered",

remember one of
them is a close
personal friend of yours.

Oh, this is getting far
too emotional.
I wish you'd just go.

No, wait. I wish... I wish...

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Merry Christmas!

So, what do you
want for Christmas?

(CHEERING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)