Original subtitles

Well, Detroit, those Boyz II Men concert tickets sold out this morning in 15

minutes.

Well, I'm getting mine. Or at least Roger is. He camped out all night at the

stadium. Hey, he was happy to do it. I pay for the tickets, and he gets to come

to the concert with me next Saturday.

Plus, I promised him the biggest kiss of his life.

She says Gordon broke up with her.

She says he was the perfect guy for her.

Oh, Tia.

You're looking for love in all the wrong places.

Come into my world.

Now there's the perfect guy.

And there, and there, and there.

It's Roger. Can I come in?

Ah, here comes my tickets to paradise.

The good news is I was at the front of the line.

Great! So where's the tickets?

That's the bad news.

About three in the morning, hypothermia set in and I was rendered unconscious.

You mean you didn't get the tickets?

Cause she's gonna kill ya.

faith it. In the closest I'm going to get to the perfect guy is... Yeah, in

closest I'll ever get to the perfect guy is... Hi, Tia.

Hi,

Elliot.

How you doing, Elliot?

Yo, Elliot.

Anybody home?

Oh, hello, Tamara.

Tell me honestly, could I ever be the sort of fellow that Tia would want?

want to hurt your feelings, but... Stop out of it! She's never gonna date you!

And I guess I wasted my money on these.

I was gonna take her this weekend.

Voicemail concert tickets?

You know, Elliot, you might be more Tia's type than I thought.

Really? Yeah, see, the trouble is she sees you as a bud, not a stud.

But, um, if you give me those tickets, maybe I can help.

Wait, you mean you can get your sister interested in me?

Romantically?

Let me see those tickets again.

Just me and front row sinner.

I absolutely guarantee it.

It's a deal then, partner. When Tia falls for me, then you get the tickets.

Van, now how many straights can say they own an original fasted by Lisa? Give

mama some love.

Hey there, pal.

Whose little guy are you?

Whoa, watch out there now.

Wait a minute, I know him.

Isn't that the stray that lives behind the mini -mart?

Uh -huh, he's happy to jump the dog.

Oh, he's gentle as a lamb.

Yeah, but he's faking it.

I'm telling you, Lisa, last Sunday I was coming out of Muller's Crullers and he

attacked me.

I dropped the strudel and I ran for my life.

Oh, Ray, that's terrible.

What kind of strudel was it?

What is he doing here? He's leaving.

In style.

Those nights are getting a little nippy, so that coat ought to get him through

the winter.

Oh, now I have to get to the other wall, and that inside lining zips out.

Don't even think about adopting him. Oh, I couldn't. He's public property.

Everybody takes care of Happy. He's the only dog I know not leaving the dog's

life.

Well, I better hand it to you, Lisa. You actually made that nasty little animal

look good.

Although I have to say, that coat did remind me of something.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

Oh, I know.

You know, my tartan plaid drapes in the bedroom, the ones you hate so much, kind

of look like them a little bit.

Drapes? Drapes! Oh, yes, I know the ones you mean. The left one goes all the way

down to the floor, and the right one kind of stops way up around here.

Of course not. Both my drapes are the same length.

Oh, yeah, sure, right.

Because I guess you'd notice if they weren't, huh? You betcha.

Excuse me a minute.

Sexy guys wear bow ties.

James Bond, Forrest Gump, Bubbles the Chip.

That's a hunkster. Whoa, hold me back.

Tamir, would you cut it out?

Look, Elliot's a nice guy, but I don't think he's sexy. Bow tie or no bow tie?

Okay, fine.

Zip in the lip. The subject of Elliot is closed.

Oh, would you look who's in the school paper.

Let me guess.

Elliot?

Big picture, page one.

Science club mug.

Practical, isn't he?

Even with broken glasses.

Tamara, what are you, president of the Elliot fan club?

Give it a rest.

You got it, girl. Did I ever tell you Elliot plays the glockenspiel?

Yeah. Call me crazy, but I think I just saw a dog walking down the street

wearing your curtains.

You know, that's exactly what I said.

Hey, where you going, Ray?

To my room. Oh, well, bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Lisa, what did you do?

Oh, Tamaria, Daddy should have never hung those rapes. He should have took

out and shot them.

He should be as thankful to me as that mini -Mart mutton. Whoa, wait a minute.

That dog outside was happy from the mini -Mart?

I didn't even recognize him. Well, that's because he was dressed in fashion

Lisa, part of Ted.

Makes him a whole new kind of pooch, don't you think?

Sure, I'll say. He was pretty homely before, but he was so cute in that

I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him.

You did?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

That little guy's got it going on now. Got a new spring in his step, new swag

his wagger.

A whole new look will do that for you.

I think you're on to something.

Lisa!

At least somebody else is on to something.

Mom, where are you going? It's freezing out there.

Oh, don't worry about it, baby. When you're moving fast, you'll hardly feel

Trust me, Elliot. I know what I'm doing.

Come on, Roger.

Looking good, Elliot.

Fucking class, Elliot. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Move on. There's nothing to see

here.

Elliot, you look great, but you're late.

Where have you been? Oh, I had to stay after class. I'm tutoring my teacher.

Here.

Tia will be here any minute.

Tamara, you really think she's going to like me?

Are you kidding?

You're terrific.

Oh, come on.

We spent a lot of time together these last few days, and now that I know you,

like you.

A lot.

I like you, too.

Tamara, I want you to have these.

The concert tickets?

But, Elliot, the deal was for you and Tia. Yes, I know, I know, but whether

goes out with me or not, you deserve them because of what you did for me.

It's no big deal. I mean...

You're crazy about my sister and you deserve a shot.

You still are crazy about her, aren't you?

There she is.

Good luck.

Well, go on. What are you waiting for?

Hello,

sweet thing.

I do for the dog in your life.

No, no, that's no problem. I'll have those culottes for cocoa by Friday.

Child, oh, Ray.

Oh, taking pity on that poor little stray has given me a whole new business.

I know charity paid off like this, I wouldn't have been putting Monopoly

in collection plate all these years.

Lisa, if you ask me, some of your clients are a little touched in the old

caboodle. So what? They got the money, I'll make a tux for a bunny.

Oh, by the way, I tried to put away your laundry this morning, but I couldn't

open your bedroom door.

I locked it.

Yeah, I don't want to come out of Delhi and see some dog wearing my bedspread.

Don't worry, Ray. Not even a dog will wear that bedspread.

Tamir, this time I think I really found the perfect man.

Elliot told me what you did for him. For me. For us.

Tamir, you're the best sister in the world.

Yay for me.

I mean, it's like a miracle. You know, I always thought of him as my goofy

friend Elliot.

But now, he's smooth.

and he's gonna be mine.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just tickets to the Boyz II Men concert.

You're kidding!

Tamara, this is so cool!

We both got what we wanted. Hey, you got your tickets, and I got my guy.

No.

You got my guy.

I told him about Tuesday.

They want them dressed as cowboys. They want them dressed as cops. They want

them dressed as hardhats. Indian chiefs. Am I dressing dogs or the village

people? Oh, Ray.

Ray, help me. Help me, Ray. Success is biting me in the butt. Oh, Ray.

That's it.

We'll save it.

You want a cookie?

Listen, you know, you've always wanted to be a successful businesswoman.

Well, success does have its pride.

Well, I had no idea.

so high.

I barely said three words to my child in days. I miss my baby Ray.

Well, you've been wishing for this for a long time. Now that you've got it, you

better find a way to deal with it.

I guess you're right.

Back to work.

What are you doing?

You ever try to measure the inseam of a Rottweiler?

Also, anyway, these last few days at school have been painful.

Tears all over Elliot like fuzz on a peach.

And why not?

I made her the perfect man.

So she gets them.

And I get diddly.

Your name is Diddly, isn't it?

You're a great listener.

And you're right.

I gotta get over it.

They like each other.

I hope they live happily ever after.

Tamira! I got a big problem with Elliot.

Yes! I mean, yes, I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, what's the problem?

Mira, Elliot asked me out on a date.

I'm so nervous, and I really want him to like me.

Yeah, he already does.

I mean, the guy even named all his lab rats after you. Yeah, but that was

he cutened up. Now, every girl in school is chasing after him, and I don't...

talk to him anymore.

Look, Tia, don't worry.

I spend a lot of time with Elliot. He's very easy to talk to. See?

Tamara, you know him so well. That's why you gotta help me.

Help you what?

Get through the date. Coach me.

Tamara, I've already been dumped once this week. I can't take it again.

So please tell me everything I need to know to be his perfect woman. Please,

please. Okay, okay, okay, okay. But it's gonna take a lot of time. No, no, no.

There is no time. Tamara, the date's tonight.

Come on. Help me, help me. Okay, okay, chill.

I got an idea.

We're gonna... We're gonna need some backup.

Someone smart.

Someone we can depend on.

Oh, shoot, no time for that. I'll call Roger.

Your sister better whip through this date. I gotta get this equipment back to

cousin Chalmers over at Rocky Burger.

I don't know, Roger. This stuff looks kind of dinky. I mean, does it really

work? Cousin Chalmers swears by eight years at the Rocky Burger window, and he

hasn't yet served a Rocky Pocket Pita instead of a Rocky Velveeta Fajita.

So, I can hear Tia through this little thing?

Yep, as long as she talks directly into the pepper meal.

Now, where's my boys' command concert tickets?

What's the matter? You don't trust me?

Are you kidding? After that cruel biggest kiss of my life charade, you

give me a chocolate ticket.

Here they come.

You know, Tia, I would have taken you to a much nicer place than this.

Oh, well, uh, this is one of my favorite restaurants.

They have the, um, the Heimlich chart in the lobby.

Right this way. Got the perfect table for you right over here. Oh, Roger.

I didn't know you worked here.

Yeah, I'm the playset and removal engineer.

A what?

He's the busboy.

Uh, great table, huh?

Great view of the pepper mill, don't you think?

Huh? Uh, perhaps you care to freshen up?

Behind that screen over there.

Oh, oh, yes. Um, I do have the sudden urge to freshen.

Say, Roger, have you seen Tamara lately?

Sure, she's, uh, got the flu.

Oh, she's been sick.

Oh, maybe that explains why she's been staying away from me.

Man, I've really been missing her.

Well, you just missed her again.

I can hear you, too.

Good.

So, uh, what shall we talk about?

Okay, okay, Tia. I know Elliot looks cool, but he's really very insecure, so

compliment something.

Uh, boy, good -looking tablecloths.

About him!

And, uh, you'd look good wearing one.

is going to be a long night.

This is going to be a long night.

Houston, we have a problem.

I think I'm picking up Rocket Burger.

Just tell the chairman, say what's up.

God, you're a serious.

I'm listening to somebody's order.

So, Tia, what would you like?

Uh, three extra shakes, regular coffee, no sugar, two, five.

Maybe you have the lunch menu.

Do I? Uh, let me see.

What the heck is going on?

I was about to ask the same thing.

Oh. Oh, well, uh, this is just a game I used to play when I was little.

I'm feeling a little awkward myself.

This isn't going too well, is it?

This is the first time since we've been going together that we've really talked,

and we don't have anything to talk about.

You know, I hate to say this, but you think maybe we're not as perfect for

other as we thought?

Tia! I can't hear you!

But if you can hear me, tell Elliot that he's smart and cool and funny.

I was going to say the same thing.

We do need to slow down.

Tia.

Maybe we were more comfortable with each other when we were just... Friends?

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

And I didn't need to work so hard trying to create the perfect man.

Because you were already perfect.

I just wish I had to figure that out sooner.

Tia.

Oh, my gosh.

She's crazy about you.

Who's crazy?

Besides you.

Elliot, how do you feel about my sister?

Oh.

Well, now we've got something to talk about.

I didn't know how to tell you before, but...

Are you familiar with Piedmont's theory of inverse disproportional polarity

among orbiting bodies?

Uh, no.

Well, let me put it simply.

Girlfriend's got it going on.

Hold that thought.

And then there's a cute way your eyes cross when you take off your glasses.

Tamara?

Teal? What are you doing here? Who's talking to Elliot?

You are.

You liked him.

Tia, I couldn't do that to you.

I mean, you finally found the perfect guy.

Oh, he's the perfect guy, all right.

For you.

What?

But, Tia, you... So, why don't you go tell him, though?

He's waiting.

I don't understand why you gave up your business, Lisa. Your doghouse of style

was going through the roof.

Don't make me tie you up outside, Ray.

And I told you I'd quit to spend more time with my child.

Look, I proved that I could be a successful businesswoman.

And if I can start one career from scratch, I can always start another one.

Speaking of scratch.

Oh, no, wait a minute now. I just cut this flea bomb. Come on. I'll take you

dinner. Lisa, I have forgiven you for cutting up my curtains.

I'm not mad anymore. You don't have to do this.

Oh, yes, I do.

Believe me, I do.

I knew she would realize she was tired of him and know that I loved her. And if

I could say this line right, I could probably pull up. I could pull up if I

could say this line right.