Original subtitles

Just coming up on Chick -fil -A.

Come on, Rod and Sean, let's beat up this cold morning with some hobby jam.

Whoops, there we go again.

Doing the same old thing we do every morning.

Yep, make bed.

Picky outfits.

Kids to Leo.

And then we go downstairs and listen to Ray complain Mom burned the toast again.

Yeah, and then listen to Lisa call him a toast -hating, napkin -tucking, no -it

-ain't -fresh -squeezed chump.

All right.

We're so predictable.

I knew you were going to say that.

We need a little excitement, a little change. Yeah, something to jumpstart our

dreary little lives.

Something, well...

Oh, Ray, I'm sorry about that toast. Here, let me scrape off those ashes for

you. No, no, it's just the way I like it.

Mmm.

Oh, Ray.

Now that's different.

Thank you.

Ray and I decided to bury the hatchet.

Yeah. We had a long talk last night after we went to the movies.

You went to the movies?

You mean the two of you together?

Yeah. Ray took me to a very classy little foreign film.

Three hours of a bunch of white folks crying in front of a windmill going,

fidget, fidget, fidget.

It was most illuminating.

And then Lisa took me to her favorite rib joint, Pepe's Pig Out.

Floors are so greasy they have handrails to guide you to the table.

Who are you people?

Yeah, I mean, we love that you're getting along, but this is kind of

Oh, come on. Don't be ridiculous. We're not acting weird at all. Are we,

Munchkin?

Dad?

Lisa?

I knew it.

Tia, you know what this means, don't you?

They're not here.

sisters. Hi, you two.

Mom,

I can't believe this. The last time you went running was after a taco cart.

Yeah, well, Ray likes his exercising.

I got nothing against getting in shape.

Lisa, there's nothing wrong with your shape. Maybe I never mentioned it

but I kind of like looking at it.

Yeah, well, keep looking because it's about to collapse on the couch.

No, no, no, no, no. You've got to keep moving. You've got to bring your heart

rate down slowly.

What heart? You broke it when you wouldn't let me stop at the Dairy Queen.

Well, while you were soaking your feet in the Peterman's bird bath, I doubled

back and I got you this.

Oh, no, you did not.

A cookwich.

You know what? I'm not even going to eat it. I'm going to save it forever.

At least until Savannah comes along.

kick this love boat into warp speed.

Hey, Dad, um, we just wanted you to know that even though it was a little new to

us at first, now we like what we see.

Really? Mm -hmm. I kind of thought the colors were a little too bold, but at

least I'll never get hit by a car.

Your turn.

Oh, Ray, Ray, Ray. What we're trying to say is there's someone in this house who

really cares a lot about you.

Oh, that sweet Tia.

I care about you, too.

You're up.

Dad, Dad, let's break this down.

Okay. Tomorrow night, Lisa's gonna make you a big romantic dinner.

She is?

Oh, yeah. And when she tells you, try to look surprised.

Like that.

Surprised? I'm flabbergasted.

Wow, what do you mean?

After all this time, I'm having a real date with Lisa.

I feel like a kid again.

Oh, boy.

Like anybody really believe I was going to wait.

Hey, Mom, Mom, we need to talk.

See, Lisa, we got the feeling you've been bit by the love.

Oh, does it show?

I'm glad you girls brought this up. It's been happening so fast, I'm sort of

confused. I don't know if I should play hard to get or just dive right in.

Dive!

Cannonball right into the deep end. Come on in. The water's fine.

Oh, and speaking of eating, here's a nutty idea.

Why not make a romantic surprise dinner to show them how you feel?

Say, for instance, I don't know, tomorrow night.

You will.

You really think I should?

Oh, absolutely.

Trust me.

You have to.

Because, Mom, if you finally found the right guy, you ought to go for it.

Oh.

Well, thank you, girls.

I am going to go for it. I just needed to know you two were behind it.

You know what? I can't believe that our folks are finally getting together.

I mean, they're so different.

Yeah, but they're trying to change for each other. Do you know...

My dad even checked the price of the porn pad just so they had something to

about.

Boy, when they find out what we did for them, they're going to owe us big. Yep,

birthdays are going to be sweet.

Ayudame dos amigos.

Ay, ay, ay.

For a little guy, you packed a big lunch.

Not my lunch.

It's a portable closet.

My dad's picking me up after school.

Welcome to divorce.

Oh, that's rough, Roger.

Tell me about it. One week I'm with my mom, the second week I'm with my dad,

third week they just grab a wrist and pull.

Do my arms look longer to you?

Well, I wasn't going to say anything.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, Roger.

Hey, this split up was bound to happen.

My folks are as different as Snoopy and Snoop Doggy Dog.

Kind of like, well, your folks.

Yeah, but sometimes people can change, can't they?

Change? Woman, that's the first step on the road to ruin.

My dad tried to change for mom, do her thing.

Halfway through waiting to exhale, he went berserk.

Tried to knock himself unconscious with a bottle of Yoo -Hoo.

Uh -oh.

You guys have nothing to worry about. Your folks can't stand each other. When

people like them fall in love, it's doom from the I do.

me mad charlie it's about time because it's

been a long cold lonely winter for both of us tell me about it even that walmart

greeted with the built -up shoe he was starting to look good

Ever since I dropped my tuna sandwich in the spaghetti sauce.

So you're making him a romantic dinner, huh? Uh -huh.

Come on now, you got to tell me. Who is it?

I don't know if I should tell you, Patrice.

Oh, come on, girl. Now, you done known me since high school.

And you know I never steal a man from a friend.

Deidre was not my friend. She was my sister.

And before you go there, Rachel was a cousin.

at this time is he's got a pulse and an income.

I can't marry him, honey, because the pulse is just icing on the cake.

Oh, Lisa, I'm so glad you found somebody.

I'm relieved, too.

Don't laugh.

But for a while, I thought she was going to fall for old Applehead Ray.

stiff you can iron clothes on them.

Child, if you'd have told me it was him, I'd have slapped you six ways from

Sunday.

Yeah, well, don't worry. I won't tell you that.

Ooh, my bouillabaisse.

Need some hot sauce.

Oh, well, wait right here, honey. I got an emergency bottle in my purse.

Well,

you never know when something's gonna need a little...

Yeah, child, she's out in the kitchen stirring up a big old pot of love for

mystery man.

Oh, it's no mystery.

It's my dad.

Do you have a daddy I haven't met?

We're not kidding, Uncle Tree.

Mom's going after Ray tonight.

Big time.

Oh, child, please.

Lisa is not interested in anybody's Ray Campbell.

And I heard that straight from girlfriend's mouth.

Well, then who do we talk her into making dinner for?

I don't know, child.

But some other mystery man gonna be all... up in her bouillabaisse tonight

use it up honey but i got these baby salsa packets from burrito boy dear

did you hear that we accidentally pushed

be that romantic dinner Lisa's gonna spring on me.

Uh, Dad, about the dinner, we... Oh, don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

Oh, you will be.

Not half as surprised as Lisa.

I picked up a couple concert tickets for the late show tonight.

B .B. King, as opposed to B .B. Good.

Uh, Dad?

Hmm? I don't think you're gonna B .B. going.

What? Why?

Dad, sit down.

cute, itty -bitty goldfish I had?

Peaches and Herb.

Uh -huh.

And remember how Herb would always blow love bubble at peaches and she'd always

seem more interested in that plastic sea monkey at the bottom of the tank?

Yes.

Well, Lisa has a new sea monkey in her tank.

Sorry, Herb.

I see.

Well, I feel pretty darn foolish.

But, Dad, we thought she liked you. I didn't mean for you to get hurt.

Girls, it's hardly your fault.

The way she was acting, I thought she was... Well, I guess it doesn't matter

what I thought.

You!

Ray, listen, hon, you better make yourself scarce tonight, because Lisa's

herself a man.

So I hear.

I think I'll go down and see if I can't unload these B .B. King tickets.

Wait a minute. A stiff like you likes B .B. King?

Hey, I have my funky get down with my bad self moment.

Well, I can't believe we have something in common. I love B .B. King.

Really?

Well, good night.

the concert.

Sweetheart, maybe I didn't make myself clear.

These seats are next to each other.

Ray, you don't want to stay home.

I mean, you don't want to be here when that sea monkey swims by.

Yeah, right.

Well, Patrice, uh, what do you think?

I'll go.

Just don't talk to me when Bebe's playing.

Fine. Don't talk to me when he's not.

Here. See you there.

Not if I can trade this inn for a better seat.

Oh, Ray.

I didn't expect you home so early.

I'm sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting something.

Oh, well, wait, wait, Ray.

I'm making a romantic dinner.

My special homemade bouillabaisse.

Oh, your tuna ketchup soup?

Hope you made a Maalox cobbler for dessert.

Well, what bit him in the butt?

Tamara, what's wrong with your daddy?

He's just feeling a little blue right now. Yeah, good thing he's going to a

blues concert.

His what?

Yeah, with Aunt Patrice.

Back up a second.

Your daddy is taking out my best friend tonight?

Yep. Who does like it?

Well, certainly not me.

Girl, you better not come back around here no more.

You backstabbing, man -stealing, eating that bony butt, no friend, friend.

And me, you limo -driving, saddle -shoe -wearing, opera -singing, call your mama

four times a day, too.

Hey,

dear, look.

They're not speaking to each other.

We've got our happy home back.

Oh, my.

Got a spot on that silk tie.

Sharp -dressing man like you should not go out like that.

eating tuna soup, cooking savannah, watching pie cutting.

Dad, Dad, Dad, Lisa's moving out.

You've got to do something.

Okay, I will.

Yahoo!

Dad, you don't understand.

Lisa's crazy about you.

Well, then why, why is she cutting my Calvin?

She's jealous because you're going to take Patrice out instead of her. You

to go in there.

carried on like that, she probably won't even talk to me.

Hey, Ray.

Hey, Lisa.

Wait a minute.

Why do I get the feeling you two had something to do with this mess?

Well, maybe because we did.

We wanted you guys to be together.

But then we realized you getting together could break us up.

And we didn't want you to get a divorce.

A divorce?

We haven't even had a proper first date.

Yeah, but we got scared.

I mean, Roger's parents are from, you know, different planets.

Kind of like you guys.

And their family split up.

Come on, girls. Sit down. Come on.

First of all, we're not Roger's parents.

Good thing, too. Roger gets on my last nerve.

We want this family to stay together as much as you do. We don't know if

anything's going to happen between us.

But you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Because if something does happen, we promise that we'll take it very slow.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

Night -night.

Night -night.

Now that that's over, let's get back to that romantic dinner.

Go suck it out of the sink.

You've got some nerve name -calling my bouillabaisse.

You've got some nerve calling that fishy ketchup bouillabaisse.

Bouillabaisse? Well, I got the recipe from your mama.

My mama?

No, don't go there now.

bitty goldfish I had.

Peaches and herb?

Uh -huh.