Original subtitles

It's here!

An autographed picture of Kobe Bryant?

Yep, yep, and look how he signed it. To my very best friends, Tamara and Tina.

Oh yes, I can fix it, I can fix it. Well, you better, because we've got to

Miss Melissa off of her pedestal. You see, Melissa is this new rich girl at

school, and she's already twice as popular as us. Well, that's because she

what it takes to be popular in high school.

Prop! Like, for instance, we got the Fuji CD, she got the Fuji concert

On our birthday, we handed out looty bags.

And on her birthday, she handed out televisions.

But this is the prop that will put us on top.

You made it out just for you personally.

Yep, the best 20 bucks plus tax, shipping, and handling we've ever spent.

Melissa, look what we have.

Please.

That's not his autograph.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what makes you an expert on Kobe Bryant's handwriting?

You're right. What would I know? Let's ask a real expert.

Oh, Kobe!

Thank you.

for daddy.

I'm not in training. I'm at it for Wally's Waffles. Home with a hot

flapjack.

A mean outside shot and he's cute.

Oh, I hear you two are having a party tonight?

So am I. Oh, um, I don't think so, Melissa.

Everybody's invited to our party, right?

Did I mention that Kobe will be at mine?

It's like we're invisible.

Oh, gee, it's not that bad. Oh, yeah, it is.

Sorry,

girls, I didn't see.

It's that bad.

Why so glum, my little chums?

Well, Melissa is filling all of our juice.

Naturally. But she's jealous.

She's a half a cup of nothing, and you two are a double dose of all that.

Really?

Thanks, Roger.

Well, it's good to know we have one loyal friend.

Loyal's a dog, sweet things. Put a collar on me and call me Lassie.

Hey, Roger.

Toby wants to meet you.

Toby Bryant?

Nice knowing you.

Oh,

Lassie, come home.

Thank you. Well, you can boil it, steam it, or fry it. It's still gonna be your

face.

Lisa, I'm sick. I got a cold in my nose.

Oh, poor baby.

You know what you need?

hot eucalyptus bath, a good bath rub, and some nice homemade comfy food.

That be good?

That be real good.

You want Mama to take care of it for you?

Uh -huh.

Fine.

Here are the yellow pages. Look on the dream on, Slappy. I got me a date

tonight.

You do? Tonight?

Mm -hmm.

With Dr. Gordon B. Gorgeous.

Hooray. I think that this is the man for me.

Oh. You got a problem with that?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm happy for you.

Not as happy as me.

Because he is successful, he's brilliant, he's handsome. Oh, oh, and I

wrote the pilot for E .R.

Hello?

Hi, it's for you.

Oh, no one ever calls us. Yeah, Melissa's stolen our posse.

Miss Fang is still on your case? Oh, and then some.

Mom, she's giving the party of the century tonight, starring Kobe Bryant.

How can we compete with that? Yeah, no one's coming to our party. Oh, baby.

I just don't understand why anybody would want to hang out with that Melissa

when they could hang out with my girl. Well, her daddy's rich. He owns that

stupid chain of Wally restaurants.

Wally's Waffles?

When the good Lord calls, girls just bury me with two things, a picture of

Denzel on my heart and a Wally's Waffle in my mouth.

No, Bruno, you're going to have to pick him up for me.

Yeah, and don't keep him waiting. He's a very big music star.

Relax, relax, Tamara. Your father's out there with big music stars. That guy who

taps out tunes on his head at the park.

Oh, really?

Well, does the name Chili T ring a bell?

Ding dong!

Good, because I never heard of him. Oh, Dad!

No, I'm sorry, Pumpkin, but you cannot ride to the airport with Bruno.

Girls, he got a limousine so he could have his privacy. I'm afraid you're

to have to respect that.

I understand.

Hello, Bruno?

It's Tamira Campbell.

Tamira, hey, do you want to be popular or not?

Uh, I'm calling for my dad.

We found another driver.

What driver?

her party we're gonna get a music superstar for hours yeah well what are

gonna say hi chili we're big fans want to come hang out in our living room

for me

Get that thing out of my face, man.

Okay, let's go to plan B. Fine.

What's plan B?

Hi.

Welcome to Detroit, Mr. T.

Tilly?

Sir? Hold on.

The record company sent a couple of teenage girls to be my drivers?

Yes.

They got my memo. Cool.

One or two, just step it up. Let's go. Come on. Hit it.

Smooth.

Where's the vapor?

Whoa, mama.

What are you wearing?

Makes you want to go caveman, doesn't it?

Yabba dabba doo.

Yeah, right, your doctor.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, Ray, I've been feeling a little guilty about leaving you here sick.

I mean, the girls are having a party. It could get kind of noisy. So I fixed you

up a batch of Granny Landry's Quick -Fix Elixir Mix.

Yeah, one sip and you'll sleep like a fresh -burnt baby.

What's in it?

Oh, it's a family secret. Granny took the recipe to her grave.

Or was it a recipe to Granny to her grave? Here, try it.

No, thank you.

I don't go in for that hocus -pocus stuff.

There's no hocus pocus here. Oh, wait, forgot one thing.

She like a, like a high. She like a, like a high.

A walla, walla, bang, bang. Go, go, go. Here, here, drink up.

I think not.

I'll just crawl on down to the pharmacy and get me some good old -fashioned

drugs. And you have a good old time with Dr. Love.

Ray, am I crazy or are you just a wee bit jealous?

You're crazy.

Good, because we've been living on the same roof now for three years and ain't

nothing going on but the rent.

Well, that's the way I like it.

Why, don't you? Oh, wouldn't have it any other way.

Me either.

Nothing.

Man, how does this woman find out where I'm staying?

She left me ten messages at the Hilton already.

Chili, come to dinner.

Chili, stay the night. Chili, I just want to be with you. I keep telling her,

maybe at Thanksgiving, Mom.

You guys got to find me another hotel, all right?

Uh, well, there's the Gorm Shepherd.

Nah, nah, forget that bougie joint. Look, I'm trying to bring on the noise,

bring on the funk, tear it out the frame, rip up some furniture. I'm trying

get my party on.

Party? Did you say party? Yeah.

Oh, we can hook you up with a party.

We know a hotel with a party never stops.

We do.

Mr. Chili Tea, we're taking you to the Landry Campbell.

What kind of hotel is this?

Uh, it's not exactly a hotel.

It's more like a home -tel.

Just a little cozier.

So, when's the party start?

Hey, coming right up. In the meantime, why don't you help yourself to the fully

stocked honor kitchen? Yeah, but not the cheesecake. That's Lisa's. Who?

Oh, she's the housekeeper.

She gets free cheesecake instead of a dental plan.

This row for guests?

Oh, yeah, sure. Help yourself.

What does RC stand for?

Uh, really comfortable.

Who?

Sarah, are you crazy? We're going to get into so much trouble. No, Tia, I think

we're lucking out here. Not only is Dad asleep and Lisa out, but this guy's

really stupid.

and tell him to come meet him.

Hi, Mom.

Mom! What are you doing here?

I am just way too excited about this doctor. I got halfway to the restaurant

realized I left my car keys in the kitchen.

Mom!

Lisa, wait!

Oh.

Actually, I'm glad you're still up. There's something that I need to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lisa, I know. You love me, right?

No!

Nah, I go.

Get out.

Stay out all night. Get a whack there. Oh, you get out.

Good night.

Yo, what's up with the housekeeper?

I still better get my men on my pillow, you know what I'm saying?

Smooth.

Come on, one and two. Y 'all gonna have to do better than that.

That's Chili T.

We're gonna party with Chili T?

Oh, please tell him we're gonna party with Chili T. Yep, he's her bud.

He's a regular party animal. He's gonna pose for pictures, sign autographs. Come

on, come on. Okay, now, call everyone about the party except for Melissa.

Come on, one and two. Let's get this party started, right?

I'm Ray Campbell. This is my place.

Oh. Well, I'm chilly.

Oh, is that why you're in that robe?

Hey, Lisa left it out for me.

She what?

I mean, what is it? Only one robe for the whole darn place?

Take it.

Smells like VapoRub anyway.

You know, from what Lisa said, you're not at all what I pictured.

Where do you practice?

Pretty much anywhere.

Garages.

Don't you even sterilize your instruments?

Why bother? The cat sleeps on them anyhow.

Look, my man, could you go in there and tell Lisa to give me some more of this

funky lemonade?

I'm starting to run out.

Look, this is none of my business, but Lisa deserves to be treated with

She's a wonderful woman.

So what?

After tonight, I won't need her anymore. What?

Now you get right back to bed before you catch pneumonia, Mr. Harper. I don't

want to sleep. I'm too upset.

What I need to do is take a long, long drive.

Oh, great!

Drive north to Canada. Way north. That crisp Arctic air would do you good.

Promise me one thing.

That you and your friends won't have anything to do with Lisa's boyfriend

tonight. I tell you, that guy is bad news.

We promise.

Quick fix -y lick -sermick.

Oh, man, is he out for long?

Put it this way.

Mom, give me a spoon for once, and I miss half a third grade.

I've waited for you all my life.

Where you been waiting? Because I've been looking.

All day.

Everywhere I turn, I saw your face.

Does that mean I'm falling in love?

Well, Gordon, you know what they say.

When all you can see is that special someone, it can only mean one thing.

Don't be afraid.

Maybe you'll fall in love.

With you?

Who cares?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Gordon. I think I better go.

Lisa, wait. Don't go. I think I love you.

I'm ashamed of you, my skeptical brother.

You the mad chill.

Dap me, bruh.

What did you two do to me? Wait, wait, Chili, we can explain.

No, forget it.

I'm out of here.

As soon as I can remember how these things work.

Hey, what's wrong with Chili?

You're bringing chili down.

It's already down.

Shut up.

Yeah, the big dope doped up on cold medicine. It's just as well. I mean,

wakes up, he's going to remember we kidnapped him. Yeah, what?

Okay, we've lied.

We're not friends with him.

Betting nobody is.

He's even mean to his mom.

We just needed him for props.

Yeah, now we can't even prop him up.

If we work this hard just for you to like us, it's not worth it. Yeah, go on

Melissa's party if you like her better.

Girl, are you bugging? We don't like Melissa.

What? Well, why do you guys like hanging out with her so much?

Hey, she gives out free TVs.

We're shallow.

Yeah, what do you want from us? We're teenagers.

Guys, we can't compete with Melissa.

We have nothing to offer you.

Sure you do.

You got you.

Now let's crank up the jams and make the neighbors complain.

Roger, you're our neighbor.

Right. I'm not complaining.