Original subtitles

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

I ain't never gonna let you go.

Happy birthday, girl.

I've been worried about you. You know, being twins is kind of like having your

birthday close to Christmas. I hope you guys don't get half as many presents.

See, you only got one cake.

Roger, would you like a piece of that cake?

Yes, ma 'am. Then don't talk so much.

Open it together.

Well, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but... Lisa, they're kind of short.

Every boy in town's going to be staring at them.

Maybe I should wear one.

Okay, Ray, so show us what you got.

Well, you know how birthdays are special, and this one is double special.

So I felt I should do something... Special?

to that hotel for a weekend in Chicago.

A limo to Chicago?

Thank you so much. Thank you. We love it.

This is the best. Mom, I've never been in a limo before.

But Dad always gets the best gift.

Uh, Mr. Campbell, when you say we're all, that doesn't include me, does it?

I'm afraid not, Roger. Girls only.

What if I do that crying game thing?

are going to take your best friend, Sarah.

Sarah's going? Oh, this is so great.

Yeah, it's special.

Well, I'm glad you think so, because you're coming along.

Oh, no, not me. Oh, you have to. You're my co -chaperone, and I got you a very

nice room with a view. Oh, stop.

I might have to sew you a dress.

I guess I better get going.

Oh, by the way, the cake's a little dry.

Bathing suits?

Check.

Coolest jeans?

Check.

Homework?

Check.

So, we're going to Chicago.

And with my best friend, Sarah.

I thought I was your best friend.

I guess you are. But don't tell Sarah, okay?

Okay.

As you can see, we had a few problems to iron out. And we weren't the only ones.

Sure is a perfect day for a drive, isn't it?

Yep.

And we're not hitting any traffic.

Nope.

Is something bothering you?

What could be bothering me? I'm sitting here riding in a big black limousine and

I'm not even dead.

You always have the most killer first dates. Remember my sixth grade party?

could I forget it?

And we swore that we'd never, ever tell another living soul.

Oh, you mean the time when your guy smoked a cigarette and syrup threw up

over his shoes and you blamed it on the neighbor's dog?

You told her?

No, no.

She guessed.

Just Tia, like I'm telling myself.

I won't tell anybody.

Look, you guys, we're Chicago!

Come on now, get down.

He even said enjoy your stay.

You're right. Two dollars.

And he's adorable.

Okay. Six dollars.

No, we look too eager.

Oh, but we are.

Okay. Three dollars.

This is for you.

Thanks. Be around.

I hope so.

Your dad sure knows how to plan a party.

I still can't believe they screwed up our reservations.

We're supposed to have separate rooms.

Well, that's the best we could do, sir.

There's only one bed.

Are you sure this is the only room?

There's only one bed.

I'm sorry. The hotel's all booked. I'm really sorry.

Not your fault. It's his fault.

It is not.

It's the travel agent's fault.

Well, somebody has to die.

All right. Want me to leave the bags here now? No.

Take him with you.

You coming?

Oh, hi, Tamara.

What?

Yeah, we're having a great time.

Tia says hi.

Sure, you can order room service.

It's your day.

Nothing's too good for you.

What was that?

Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, bye, honey.

She is so cute.

She said, I'm the world's greatest dad.

And I can't say I disagree.

Let's put up a statue. I'll call the pigeon.

Let's try to make the best of this, okay?

I'll order down. I'll get a rollaway bed. And I'll put it right here.

Okay, way over here.

All right, Ray, but when I get undressed, you'll leave the room, right?

Of course I will.

And when I get undressed... I'll leave the thing.

Did you order an iced tea? We sure did. Come on in. Smile.

Hey, I was wondering where you guys were.

Somebody order an iced tea?

Oh, thanks.

Come on in.

Looks like you guys are working up quite a thirst.

You're not kidding.

Smile!

No, I can't wait to show these pictures to all the girls at school.

Especially Shirley Fingerhut. She's gonna V .I .E. Die!

I'm glad I found this party.

My dogs are killing me.

Not to mention my roids.

I wanted it with some towels. So if you just excuse me for one second, my

friends are calling me. Oh, they're doing fine without you.

Guess who once asked me back to this very room?

Uh, George Washington?

Hi,

somebody order a nice tea?

We sure did.

Come on in.

Has anybody ever told you two that you look alike?

We do?

Smile!

This place is a mess.

Excuse me. What are you doing with my clothes?

Clutter makes me nervous.

Ray, that's my bra.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get personal with your personals.

Well, that's okay, Ray. Just quit fondling it.

Ah, you do that every night?

It's not easy being beautiful, Ray.

Well, I think I'm going to go to bed.

We've got a big day planned tomorrow.

Let's see, we're going to have brunch. Then I'm going to take the girls

shopping. They love that.

Well, you are the best father in the world.

Yeah, that's what everybody keeps saying.

I can handle this. I was in the army.

Well, good.

If it pops up again, shoot it.

Good night, Ray.

Comfy?

I may be a little uncomfortable tonight, but the important thing is the girls

are having a great birthday.

Why wouldn't they?

Well,

Problem is, how am I going to top myself next year?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something.

Something to spoil the heck out of them.

What? I didn't say anything.

Oh, yes, you did.

Well, okay, you're spoiling the heck out of them.

So that's what's bothering you.

As a matter of fact, it is.

Now, I don't mind you. You can spoil your daughter, but I don't want you

spoiling mine.

Who's spoiling them? I just want them to have a great birthday present.

Great?

It's our luxury. Let them live a little.

I just don't want my daughter to have distorted values.

Distorted values? Are you saying I have distorted values?

If the limo fits.

What about your present?

What about my present? Well, that dress could have had a little more dress to

it, you know what I mean?

Oh, Ray, those dresses are fine.

Yeah, if you're a Barbie doll.

That's it.

You and your values can just stay up here. I'm going to go sleep in the limo.

No, you're not. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no, you're not. Oh, yes, I am. No, you're

not.

I'm going to sleep in the limo.

Want a macadamia nut?

Did you get those out of the minibar?

No, I got them from Hawaii.

This little jar of nuts cost $7.

You know, I don't understand you. One minute you a spin thrift, and the next

minute you kind of cheat.

I'm a complex person.

You know, Ray, I came down here just in case you wanted to apologize.

I think you're the one that owes me an apology.

I will if you will.

You first. You go first.

Let's not be silly. Let's do it together, all right?

One, two, three. I accept.

You know, Lisa, I didn't mean what I said about the dress.

I'm sorry. I was a bit flabby today.

Okay, maybe it was a tad more than teensy.

Yeah, and I guess I do spoil Tamara just a little.

Maybe just a little.

Yeah, I do go overboard sometimes.

You know, since I've been on my own, I don't know. I don't know how much is

enough. I know how it is. You just want to give your kid as much as you can.

Guys, I only said that spoiling stuff because... Do you, man?

I'm about to disclose something really personal when you're over there chomping

like a beaver.

I'm hungry.

I didn't get a mint.

You see, I was feeling... Did you bring anything to drink? Okay, that's it.

I'm not telling you nothing. Oh, come on, come on, tell me.

Okay.

The reason I said you spoil the girls is because you can give all that stuff and

I can't. And I guess I was a little jealous of you.

Jealous of me?

You know, when you say it out loud, it sounds kind of silly, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

I mean, hey, I give the girls a lot.

I'm there for them.

I'm creative.

I'm warm.

I'm strong.

I'm loving.

I'm a good person.

I'm telling you, the bellboy who brought up the third iced tea was the cutest.

What about the one who brought up the french fries?

Yeah, the fry guy was to die.

actually noticed?

Of course I noticed.

You know, you could have waited until I was finished getting dressed.

You were taking forever.

I always take forever.

You just always used to wait for me.

So I didn't wait. What's your problem?

Listen, I'll tell you what my problem is.

It's like you're in your own little twin world or something.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

What does it look like? We're having a fight.

Oh, that's not good.

Duh, Tia.

Come on, I was just trying to help. They've helped enough as it is.

the mean? It means we used to be best friends.

We still are.

We used to do everything together.

You know what now?

Now you can just forget it because I don't want to be your friend at all

anymore. Fine.

Did your girls have a good time?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Party animals.

You're too quiet back there. It's making me nervous.

So, girls, anything you want to talk about?

Ooh.

This calls for drastic measures.

I'm going in.

Thanks,

Tia. That was so embarrassing.

Why do parents always want to sing?

I don't know.

My dad used to impersonate Harry Belafonte in front of the mirror.

Oh, man.

Pretty stupid fight, huh?

I feel like it's all my fault. I mean, you guys were best friends and I just...

No, no, no. It was my fault. I shouldn't have left out Sarah. I mean, I was...

No. No, see, I should have understood.

I mean, you guys have got that twin thing. No, it's really my fault.

You're right.

Do you remember the time when you slept over in my house? Oh, when we saw your

parents in the kitchen? Oh, you should have seen it. They were singing

Unforgettable to each other.

I peed.

Well, looks like the ice has broken.

How do you do it?

I gave them a common enemy.

No one does it better.

Want some almond broker?

You've been in the minibar again.

That can cost 12 bucks.

I'm worth it.

Told you.

Oh, this picture of us is pretty good, but look at Sarah.

Ooh.

This is when Sarah was mad at us.

And this is when we all made up.

And this is a picture of my mom when Sarah asked her to make a dress just

ours.

And here's Dad when he saw the hotel bill.