Original subtitles

Baby, you make me want to shout and scream out loud.

It's a thought that I'm on fire, so tell me again. Show me

again.

Oh, say, say, boy, that's so good.

Say, say, boy, that's so nice.

Negative. Yeah.

One more month of freedom.

Is that a positive? That isn't a positive, is it?

Good. It's positive.

Congratulations. Oh, my God. I'm going to be an auntie.

And I just know you're going to be such a yummy mommy.

Although mom blew right up with both of us, didn't she, with like 60 pounds or

something? Hey, if you're going to spread, I want your bonics.

We should go.

Oh, yeah.

You better get to work.

Honey, maybe I can take a day off. No.

I'm only pregnant, really. Go.

We'll talk later.

Tonight? Yeah.

Congratulations. Love you. Love you.

Chuck and me do everything together.

Yeah!

Best lap time ever.

You're going down, Hunter.

Oh, you're... Best buds.

Since grade nine, eh?

Come on. Pass it. Come on. Pass it.

Yeah!

So you do everything together.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. This is a study of sexual relationships, not of... Like...

Overnight, my best friend is gone, and this new guy looks like Chuck, but, oh,

talks about special privileges and... Water's working.

People frequently go from being friends to lovers.

Not lovers. Or lovers to friends. I just want to be friends.

But I don't think that we can

after this.

Don't worry about it. What's a blowjob between friends?

You know what really sucks?

That blowjob ever.

You hate sex.

That's the only explanation.

Mr. Banks, I love sex.

I love everything about it.

From the initial caress down my back to the firm slap on my ass, rough hands all

over my body, hot, wet tongues, juices flowing, and then when I can't take it

anymore. Yeah.

Erotic Instinct, how can I help you?

Mm -hmm.

Want to tell your story on national TV?

I'm not gay.

National TV?

Yeah, the Tammy Ivers show.

Tammy Ivers, the haircut with the big mouth and the attitude?

She loves you, and she loves the book. It's the perfect place to brand you.

Sounds painful.

What's it pay? National exposure, and that sells books.

I'm in.

Come on, it's free advertising.

And my mother would finally stop telling her friends I'm a zookeeper.

I've got a date with an apartment. We'll discuss this later.

I don't know. There's nothing to discuss. Public appearances are in your

contract. No play, no pay.

We'll see about that.

At least you and I are on the same page. Oh, you understand.

Okay, sure. We'll finish this later.

This little tantrum is going to set us way off schedule.

We still have to work on their banter.

They'll be fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Hey, why reach for the middle, huh?

See, I don't want them to just make a splash. I want them to blow people out

the water.

What is it with this country, anyway?

Are you all afraid of failure, or do you just hate being the center of

attention?

I like being the center of attention.

Yeah, well, who doesn't? Oh, right, Canada.

No, we'd rather not succeed. We'd rather try hard.

We don't want to piss anybody off. We want Latvia to like us.

I mean, why write a book if you're not going to commit to selling it?

To see if you can do it.

Is it lunch already?

I've got a jet.

Talk about reaching for the middle.

Are you hungry, babe?

Yes.

I think the only reason you've stayed this long is because you need an

asap.

Perceptive. We realtors, we're part shrink, part con artists.

You can read people, and this place is not you.

Is there something special?

Any particular needs?

And you're the man to satisfy them.

How about a heritage loft?

Hardwood throughout.

French doors overlooking a park. I love it.

Yeah, so does the couple who rented it this morning.

But hey, check your balance.

I could give you a call.

I might like that.

You'll need my number.

I have your number.

Oh, dear.

Or death.

Michael, what's your ambition?

To eat the last animal cracker.

No, seriously.

I mean, when you're done your master's, then what?

I've been the rest of my life hanging out with you.

But you must want to do something.

Something will come up. I'm not really worried, Stella.

But you can't wait for the job to find you. What is wrong with striving for

something? Well, if that's what you want, babe.

You know I don't like the sheep.

That was fantastic.

So, um, tell me about that loft.

Now, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you just left me in an apartment.

I'm kidding.

You can't fake what happened between us.

I got it. Come on, you.

Is that me?

No, I got it.

What is going on?

Stella! Stella!

You won't talk to us.

I was

listening to that. So was everyone in the building.

What's wrong? Forget your ACDC?

Why would my ex -wife want me to watch her marry the man she cheated on me

Maybe she wants to be friends.

What happened to you?

If you really must know, I had sex with a realtor.

Must have been one hell of an apartment.

It was a dump, but he was cute at first.

Then afterwards he made some joke about me sleeping with him to get a good

apartment.

You slept with some guy for shelter.

It's a basic instinct, very feral.

Then why do I feel so dirty? Because you agreed to see him again and you really

don't want to.

How did... I've been doing this a lot longer than you, Grasshopper.

You gotta break it off. Be totally clear.

You can do that.

I know exactly what to say.

I think we should just be friends.

I agree, sweetie.

It's too bad.

The sex is so phenomenal.

And besides, I'd rather have you as a friend than on a plane at all.

My feelings exactly.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, I'm late.

Late? Why did you let me sleep?

Good morning to you, too.

Pants. Pants. Where are my pants?

I hung them up.

Did you find them?

Yeah, I found my pants.

Next to these pants.

Whose are these?

Well, they're yours. These are not my pants.

They're new pants. And I wasn't here last night.

Was someone else here?

Someone who forgot his pants?

How the hell should I know? Maybe you brought two pair.

Right.

Are you going to explain this?

Sure.

I bought my asshole boyfriend a present.

At least I can return the pants.

Olivia! You're going with me to the OB -GYN today.

I watched that crazy gynecologist movie where he did the thing with the thing up

her thing.

How can I say no? You can't. Unless you have your own apartment.

Give me banter, light, and smiley. Go.

Dr. Chase, how are you?

Good. I accused Olivia of cheating. Cut.

Look, three things, huh?

Mention the book. Mention the book. Mention the book.

Go. You're letting your baggage with Simone ruin things with Olivia.

And use catchphrases like write your own script and play to the camera. Is there

a greeting card for sorry I called you a slut?

Mention the book.

If you're serious about Olivia, you have to resolve your feelings about Simone.

Oh, God.

Maybe we can hire actors to play you.

Stella!

Okay, let's try handling questions, huh?

Okay, clueless guest, hi. Our experts are going to solve your problem.

Go.

I'm dying to bang my hot boss, but I'm scared to leave my basket weaver

boyfriend. What should I do?

Chaz, medieval studies is not basket weaving.

I never said it isn't a skill. It's just a useless skill.

And that's a wrap.

Now I'm definitely prepared.

How'd it go with the realtor?

Oh, that?

Over. Good.

I was afraid you'd fold and say something stupid like you wanted to be

Wait. Hey.

Hi, sweetie.

Daryl. Hi.

I brought you some lipstick.

Oh, you didn't have to go to so much trouble.

What are friends for?

So, this place has got a ton of character.

It is a little pricier.

It's nice.

I hate to be rude, but I have to meet someone.

What? Yeah.

Okay.

Well, get going.

You mean... Daryl,

we discussed this.

Well, I was thinking maybe we could be friends.

Benefits. I don't think that's such a good idea.

I really have to go.

Thanks again.

Well, hey, let's go see a movie.

Hey, Simone.

I got five minutes.

It's good to see you.

Me too.

Mitchender's waiting in the car.

He's the meticulous about time.

I got your wedding invitation.

Myself.

Plus one.

You could have called if you were going to be late.

I'm sorry. I needed both hands to fend off Daryl.

What are you doing?

This Brazilian wax is killing me.

You brush your teeth before you go to the dentist.

You must be Jody.

And you brought a friend.

I'm Kate.

She watched Dead Ringers last night.

Well, remind me to send Cronenberg another thank you note.

Don't need the struts.

Well, while the car is in the hoist, we may as well take a look under the hood.

Which is a long way of saying I was wrong.

I always thought so.

I use science to rationalize your affair.

It was easier to blame your genes than my absences, real and emotional.

So you're going from blaming me to blaming yourself?

No, I still blame you, too.

I'd like it if we could be friends.

Hell, I'll even give you away. That seems appropriate.

You have lost your mind.

I think I like it.

Like what?

You said five minutes.

Ben?

Maginder, congratulations.

Ben wanted to give me a personal RSVP to the wedding.

Yeah, I think it'll be great to see the old crew.

Really? After I read your book, I figured you were through with academia.

Simone, I appreciate you coming by.

I'll see you both at the wedding.

I just have a few questions. Let me just get this first.

Thanks. So a sequel already.

That's impressive.

It's not exactly bringing new life into the world.

Women were giving birth in the fields for thousands of years before modern

obstetrics was born.

And I'm not wearing panties. I'm used to being the center of attention.

Well, I'd really like to give them to Kate personally.

She's going to be a while. Who did let me take Tara back?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can tell him to go fuck himself.

Hang on, Mom. Hey, how'd you like to be on national TV with Kate Lankford and

Ben Chase?

Who's Ben Chase?

No, no!

What TV show?

Look, it's never going to happen, all right? It's my room.

Who's Ben Chase?

$39 .95.

Yeah, yeah.

No, a vibrator won't blenderize the fetus.

You should, however, avoid sushi.

And, of course, alcohol.

Okay. Thanks.

Shouldn't I put my panties on first?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Sorry.

Oh,

for God's sake, go.

I'll meet you in reception.

I saw my ex -wife today.

In those pants?

That was a big, big mistake on my part. I was a dick.

I'm listening.

Look, the thing is, I got baggage.

I figured you got some too.

You want to borrow a garment bag?

I realize the trick isn't finding someone without baggage, but finding

to build a matching set with.

I think we should move in together.

And remember, the healing starts in your heart.

We'll be right back.

You two, amp it up.

I need passion, sparks, conflict.

Isn't that what your dirty little sex book is all about?

I've had it with the cheap shots about our book. And Chad isn't going to turn

our sequel into some cheesy self -help guide. That's pretty dramatic about

Faith.

I took your advice and went to see Simone.

And how was that?

I've seen the light. I'm practically blind thanks to you.

So Maginder mocked the book.

How did you... I've been doing this a lot longer than you, Grandhopper.

Our final guest hopes are Bexford can help solve his woman problem.

Please welcome Daryl, tired of all the lies.

Hi, Daryl.

Daryl, this is a safe place.

Speak from the heart.

Share.

Thank you, Tammy.

Well, I'd like to know why I'm only attracted to duplicitous bitches.

That's an interesting question.

In the animal world... I'll get to you in a minute, porn star.

I'd like to hear from Dr. Langford.

Well, Daryl, I believe Ben was about to say that... While our nature is to seek

out the best partner, our nurture is to protect someone's feelings.

Maybe you're ignoring faith -saving social cues.

Like what? Like, um, let's be friends?

When all polite signals fail, we're forced to be blunt.

So, Daryl, you need to fuck right off.

Now that's a catchphrase.

Angry in there, huh?

I'll get it.

Sounds like I'm making all the fun.

I'm sorry, I had twins tonight.

Not like that.

He didn't need to bring anything.

I thought of you and sparkling came to mind.

baggage. Yeah, I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that.

No, it's okay.

What I want to know is, can we fit it all in my car or will we have to rent a

truck?

Whoa.

You trying to pickle Junior?

Well, you're... Yep.

Happy?

You really pregnant?

Yeah.

You better hurry up and find that freebie, because we're going to have to

all respectable soon.

So guess who got a job researching medieval combat strategy for a video

developer? Michael?

That's fantastic.

Stella, you know I'd do anything for you, except for this one thing.

For now.

Please excuse Michael from sexual intercourse for one month.

A doctor's note?

But is this a joke?

I am raw, Stella.

I hurt.

But I like intercourse. It's only a month and there's still tons of stuff

we can do.

Love you.

I love you too.

Now she's dating a doctor.

Mother would be proud.

And no beguine, no less.

A man who's boldly gone and gone and gone and gone.

Now he should write a book.

Jody says all the ladies welcome Goldfinger.

All the ladies would now, or will.

By the way, nice pants.

Fuck off.

You got a sec?

Of course.

Hold out your hands and close your eyes.

You can have your place back.

I'm moving in with Olivia.

That's fast.

I know, but it feels right.

Good.

Good.

Well, congratulations.

I'm out of champagne.

I should put on some more music. And Adrian doesn't know anyone except Jody's

vagina. Definitely need more salsa.

Hey.

Baby.

You make me want to shout and scream out loud.

Oh, it's a dog. I'm on fire. So tell me again. Show

me again.

That's so good.

That's so nice.