Original subtitles

There you go. I can't believe you're already moving.

Yeah, I know, man. I was only looking for a few weeks. I saw the broker

literally putting the sign out. I double parked and damn near tackled him.

Hey,

you okay?

Yeah, man. It's just dawning on me that we lived together almost our whole

lives. It just feels different, you know? Tonight you'll be gone, and I'll

watching Jeopardy all alone.

Except you don't have a TV.

You took the TV?

I bought that.

Because you broke mine. Definitely hit it with a sippy cup. That means you

it. Okay.

Tell Marty that's my TV now.

Why are y 'all arguing over this? It's just stuff.

Stop being petty.

Why is my chair in here?

Pop, you gave it to me.

No. As landlord, I gave it to the house for paying tenants of the house, which

as of now, you are no longer.

My baby's leaving. Who knows when I'll see you again?

Tina, the boy is moving to Venice Beach, which I do not get, because we are not

beach people.

Who wants a baby? Oh, I do. I do.

Hi, Taffy. I'll take her off your hands.

So you'll take her to daycare?

Yes, and I'll meet you at the Westside Fusebox.

Is that my coffee maker?

I wouldn't be surprised. I saw him packing your bathrobe and your water

Well, it is not my fault. Our house is full of her stuff.

Oh, you know, I've been thinking, given that my place is going to have a lot

more room now, we could simplify things by perhaps collaborating on... Things

are simple enough.

Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying our...

beneficial friendship, you know?

But, uh, do we really want to... No, no. No, we don't. I don't. I know. I

thought you did.

So, you know, whatever.

Non -starter.

We brought you a housewarming gift.

Oh, look at that. It's beautiful and it is so large.

I wanted to get you an air fryer.

This is so much better.

It's delicate, so it needs bright but indirect southeasterly sunlight.

Also a daily misting. And don't be embarrassed to sing to it.

Calvin, little R &B. Now, when the leaves turn brown, you...

Load him up! Load him up! Let's go!

Welcome to the block. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Welcome to the...

in this place amazing, Pop?

It's pre -war.

Did we lose?

Well, check out this view. Look at that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a nice view.

But these floors are going to need to be patched.

That's $2 ,500.

Well, that's okay because I got a great deal on this place.

You know, and this drop ceiling here, it's got water damage.

That's $500 if you're lucky.

Okay, okay.

Look fine. There are a few issues, right? But trust me, you won't love it

tonight when we all get together on my patio for my beach cue.

Beach cue?

Yeah. That's not a thing.

Oh, what a yard cue is?

My yard cue is a 30 -year tradition that Shaq came to.

That man was lost.

He came, he had a rib.

Okay, fine, whatever. But new traditions have to start sometime, right?

Come on, and I love Venice.

Man, it's vibrant.

There's art everywhere.

And you can smell the creativity in there.

Yeah.

I don't know about the creativity, but I do smell the weed.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Did you just buy this house?

Yes, I did. No!

Hey,

are you all right? No, I'm not all right. I wanted this house. I've been

for the owner to die.

Now it finally happens when I'm scuba diving in the Maldives and some random

person swoops in off the streets and buys it?

Um, okay. Are you my neighbor?

Yes. Who's targeting? Why?

Why am I asking if you're my neighbor? I'm sorry. Am I speaking Chinese?

Well, hold on, buddy. It's a serious question. Sometimes when I get agitated,

slip into Mandarin and I don't even realize it.

Okay. I'm coming off rude, aren't I?

Well... Let me explain myself so you don't hate me.

Unfortunately, I'm going to need to knock this place down so I can build a

screening room and a gym. So I'm afraid you're going to have to sell it to me.

Oh.

No, I'm not.

But I want it. But I own it.

Why don't you join a gym? I don't know, go to a movie theater.

Other people would be there.

And where would I pee?

Oh, wow!

This view?

Malcolm, I love this place.

Don't get too attached because I'm buying it. Are you Bruce Hargadon?

Yes.

This guy's a cyber security legend. He created the graphic randomizer that

powers captures.

Oh, those things on websites to prove you're human.

Yep. I hate those.

Big surprise. Everybody does.

I'm so sorry you have to click on three bicycles so you don't get infected by

Russian spyware. My bad.

Oh, that's his face.

No, I think it's too small.

Is it?

I just want to see my baby's new home.

Hurry up, Dave.

How can I do this faster?

Explain it to me, Tina. Please. I was much enough.

Well, guaranteed crawl space.

And, uh, well, your foundation is fine.

Finally, that is good news.

What's the bad news, Pop?

The salt air has corroded your dry vents. That's going to be $3 .75.

I know you think I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but I did my

homework and I'm good.

Okay.

Please don't, huh? $72.

Oh, hey.

You want to help keep Venice weird?

Maybe. Is weird good?

Yeah. Weird is great.

My name is Bellamy. I'm right next door. Oh, Marty. My brother just moved in.

Oh, cool.

It's great here. I mean, I've lived in Venice my whole life.

Well, I did miss my ride home from Coachella one year, so I just stayed,

Anyway, we're just trying to keep the spirit of Venice alive and stop rich

from building monstrosities like that one.

Oh, I actually think that house is awful.

It's a blight on the beach.

See, you get it. Yeah.

Now, this is a weed pit.

Oh, my God, I've been looking for that.

Oh, space!

No parking Monday to Friday to 6 except holidays. Two hour parking, Tuesday,

Thursday, 10 to 4. Remember parking only after 1 p .m. It's always on weekdays.

Feels like that sign is a trap. I'm too scared. I'm going to drive around the

block again.

Bellamy!

Hi, can you and your friend come over here? I'm having a little bit of an

emergency. Well, Marty, this is Matisse. Hello.

Marty, can you please hurry? Your little party guest has passed out on the couch

and he's naked.

This is an emergency?

The couch is Italian suede and he's got his junk all over it.

Look, and I obviously can't have a naked dude on it when the rep from Campari

gets here. Hey, look, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I am very confused.

You don't know who Matisse is?

You don't have Instagram?

Of course I have Instagram.

You got a lame algorithm.

I have a healthy and diverse algorithm.

Please, please, just excuse my friend here. I just really need that guy out of

our house. And he's so big and strong.

I do cut an imposing figure.

Oh, wait, no. He looks way stronger.

I moved the chair just like that one.

Uh, Marty, what the hell are you doing over there?

Where's the bathroom?

I'm pretty sure it's not on the porch, man. Why is he naked?

I am.

No wonder I'm chilly.

Yeah, you look chilly.

Where's my cardigan?

Your cardigan?

How about you find some drawers?

Get dressed and kick rocks.

Thanks, neighbor.

I'll do what I can.

Better get used to the public nudity, fellas.

It's nearly constant.

Oh, hey, Bruce.

Thanks so much for calling the cops on our party last night.

To be clear, I actually didn't call the police.

I called the FAA.

Because that one invaded my airspace with her drone.

Oh, my God, Bruce.

You are not a country. You don't have airspace.

Have you guys met your neighbor, Narc Zuckerberg?

Yep, he wants to tear my house down.

See, that is why we need this petition.

This is one of the last classic bungalows left on this beach, and these

bros just keep turning them into big metal boxes to make up for their tiny...

make up for our tiny penises. Oh, yeah, how original, Bellamy.

Not the first time I've heard of a tiny penis.

You might want to work on your comebacks.

Well, something around here works.

It's a bit of a fixer -upper, huh?

You can say that again.

It's a bit of a fixer -upper, huh?

I'm Bruce.

I'm Calvin. My son just bought this place.

Bit of a money pit.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, just thinking out loud here, but what if I told you you could turn that

money pit into a money pot?

I'm listening.

So, uh, I'd be happy to take that house off your hands.

Okay, so, uh, what are we talking about?

Ten percent over what he paid.

Okay, so we're not talking at all.

Had you said 20 and no inspection, I'd have been downright chatty.

Deal!

Okay.

I got great news.

I just sold your house.

You did what?

Yeah, there's a guy next door.

Crazy cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Loaded.

Yeah, yeah, Bruce.

I met him. I told him I wasn't selling, Pop, which I am not.

But Malcolm...

I just solved all your problems, man.

I don't need you to solve my problems.

What part of I'm not selling do you not understand?

I'm not selling, boy.

Oh, no. No.

Absolutely not.

Please leave.

Malcolm! Oh, I've never been to a beach, have you?

Congratulations. I love this new place.

Funky Venice vibes.

Hey, listen, I am actually glad that you are here. I'm starting to realize I

might have a little cash flow problem.

So, about my book, I know it might be hard to say, but when can I start

expecting royalty checks?

Oh, that's not hard to say. Okay. Two, three years?

Years!

Damn, no, I need money sooner than that. Well, have no fear.

I have fantastic news for my favorite client.

Mercedes Selsnick of The Real Housewives. She has a great idea for a

and needs someone to ghostwrite it for her.

Well, that sounds terrible.

Yeah, she's an absolute nightmare, even for a housewife.

But her kid's book is on the Amazon Preschool Top Ten.

Nanny Bates You, Mommy Loves You.

Lisa, I don't think I'm cut out for that.

Oh, I see. I didn't realize we were still in the integrity phase.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

All right. All right. All right. Thank you. All right. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Where were you guys? I thought you weren't going to make it to the beach,

cute. Well, after spending an hour looking for a parking spot, we finally

a valet that only charges $12 every 15 minutes.

Tina, will you Venmo him $30, please? I don't have Venmo days.

Tina, I've had just about enough of you today.

Malcolm, this place, you scored.

Yeah, it's really a beautiful place, Malcolm, but boy, parking is no picnic.

Oh, I found a spot right out front.

Of course you did.

Congratulations.

Hey, everybody.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

But there's something I need to tell everybody.

Before you do, a toast to my firstborn, my baby Malcolm.

You know, seeing you here in your new place.

Ma, I'm sorry. Please, let me... I decided I'm going to sell this place.

Well, all right.

I'm just glad the boy's coming to his senses, man.

Why would you want to sell?

I bid off more than I can chew.

You know, I got my first big paycheck, and I guess I... I went crazy.

You know, Pop's been trying to make me see that.

I see it now.

Oh, really?

Well, did your father happen to mention how he spent his first big paycheck?

What are you talking about? Do you mean my acid watch guest jeans?

I didn't know you were a guest man, too. How have we not discussed this?

Tell me what you bought, Calvin.

I put all my money down on a convertible Chrysler LeBaron.

And could you afford it?

No.

The payments was high as hell, and my dad was riding me about it, talking

how I was being irresponsible.

Oh, so you...

Kept your LeBaron, but you're telling me not to keep my house?

Son, it's just much harder than you think.

Those payments were killing me.

I had to get a second job as a fry cook at a Lone John Silver.

Cats would follow me everywhere.

Okay, but did the car make you happy? Yeah, it did.

But I want better for you.

I don't want cats following you around.

I appreciate that, Pop, but this house is my LeBaron.

This is a fleet of LeBarons.

Yeah, it is. And you know what?

This time I'm going to do as you do, not as you say.

Lisa, I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Get me a meeting with that real housewife.

Already did. Tuesday at 11.

Wait a minute.

Also,

uh, which housewife?

Mercedes Selznick.

I love her!

What?

I hate to be the one that's doing all the counting around here, but that's $1

,500, right there.

All grown up.

It has been since the first Obama administration.

All right, all right. I've got a case of free tequila and limited edition skull

bottles. Ooh, I think I like your new neighbors.

My hero.

You really saved me today.

No, I tried.

I'm sorry.

What's this all about?

Hey.

You all right?

I'm the mother of your hero's child.

Now you're a single.

No, I am single, technically.

What was the term you used, Courtney? A beneficial friendship, is what it was.

Here's one of the benefits.

I heard your teeth clink.

Yeah, you did. My man.

Oh, hey.

Hey. Oh, hey.

No, hey, hey.

Excuse me. Bruce, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. You know, I just got to tell

you, I love doing the captions. Oh, great. Yeah, just fun little puzzles.

not to brag, but I always get them first try.

Congratulations. You're not a robot.

So, uh, I got it.

Cashier's check.

Oh, for what?

Oh, for your house. I told you, find your house. Oh, nope, nope. I am

But we had a deal. No. I almost shook your dad's hand.

We pounded each other. Oh, no. We did.

No, we didn't. Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Look, I'm so sorry. You guys

all so lovely. But Bruce is here, and we just, we don't party with marks.

Oh, yeah, it's not cool. Well, well, I don't party, period.

Oh, Fern, that's a sick birdie you know it is. You can't give it up.

Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Listen, we are neighbors, and we are going to act like neighbors.

That's how it is where I'm from. That is how it's going to be here.

So everybody please just grab a burger.

Sounds like his daddy.

He sounds rude as hell.

I've never been prouder.

Captain Calvin?

Is it just me, or is that Bruce guy kind of a lot?