Original subtitles

(door opens)

(man) Wakey wakings!

Where is the time machine?

This proves our theory that black people are time travellers.

You truly are cretins.

The only reason you have risen through the ranks of the KGB while I have not

is because you are men.

How dare you! The Communist Party is an equal opportunities employer.

Enjoy your breakfast. It will be the last you'll ever have.

♪ If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

♪ If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

Stop, stop, stop. Horace, you're flat again, try a bit harder.

Being in a band is supposed to be fun, Nick.

Yes, but being in a jazz band is supposed to be torture.

Only then can you truly express the pain and the anguish of the music.

It's a Daniel Bedingfield cover.

- You'd miss me if I wasn't here. - Sorry, what?

Nothing.

- Hey! - Baby!

(woman) My cocoa bean.

Here we go. Move, four eyes.

No time for talking. Do not disturb us.

How was Pippa's funeral, baby?

So much fun! And something so funny happened, you'll never guess what.

- The body fell out the coffin? - No...

- The priest's clothes fell off. - No! I got engaged!

- To me? - No, silly. To Jonty. Pippa's husband.

It's what she would have wanted.

Oh, Jonty! He's such heaven. He's an MP and he drives an Aston Martin.

That's quite enough.

Why don't you have your footman put his clothes on and fetch our cases?

Bye, darling.

I'll dream about your chocolate body every night.

So, Jonty, I thought perhaps oysters for lunch.

Well... well, that was top-notch.

I mean, really first rate, well done.

You. Are. Welcome.

How was Bertie while I was away? Did he behave?

I must say hello to the little chap.

Why don't you just stay in bed and I'll say hello to your little chap?

My little chap needs a rest and Bertie needs his lettuce.

I already gave him one. Two actually.

Two! He'll think it's Christmas.

JJ, wait!

Ahh, he's sleeping.

Lauren, did you forget to feed my tortoise?

They make literally no noise.

If a cat wants feeding, he's all like, ‘meow' in your face but a tortoise,

nothing, cos if it had, then I wouldn't have forgotten,

so really it's his own fault that he starved to death.

Shit pet.

I.... I need to be alone.

I'll see you later for round two, then, yeah?

No. I cannot be with someone so unbelievably heartless!

We are talking about a fucking tortoise here, right?

It's over, Lauren.

- (woman) We hate jazz! - (man) We hate you!

- (woman) Jazz nonce! - Grow up, you pigs!

Can you believe this shit? Victoria's kicked me out

cos of her dickhead fiancé, Jonty. What's he got that I haven't got?

Money, power, status, respect, an Aston Martin. Victoria, obviously.

- We've got a kid together. - Did I mention money?

What's going to happen to JJ?

A broken home could really have an impact on him.

I think that your 32-year-old son who doesn't even know you're his dad

will be just fine.

I'll prove it to her, man. I'm better than that posh dickhead.

Yeah? How?

Willy wars, really? Aren't you bigger than that?

- I'm bigger than him. - Right.

- And where are you planning to stay? - In the jazz club.

- (Janice) All right, dickheads? - No. Not you, too.

This is a house of jazz, not house the homeless.

Me and JJ are over. I accidentally killed his tortoise

and he thinks that makes him a better person than me.

Him! Victoria! Dicks, the whole white privileged lot of them.

You two need to learn to play the game, like me.

You know, I've never been stopped by the police.

No way!

Wearing glasses and being relatively well-spoken

apparently makes me less threatening to the dicks.

I've got ‘em right where I want ‘em.

Who's evicting me? Jonty Ripperton who?

That's Victoria's fiancé.

Privileged dick!

Where's Horace? How come they haven't kicked him out yet?

He said goodbye and left this note.

“Dear Nick, I feel like you don't value me as a person

so I have decided to run away.

It's like that old saying ‘learn to appreciate what you have

before it runs away to Hyde Park'. Love Horace.”

I guess we should go and get him.

Where do we even start? He could be anywhere!

Maybe Hyde Park.

Yeah, he does like parks. Good shout, you know.

Fork.

Janice, come back and be tortured... please. Janice?

Flat. Nothing about me is bloody flat.

(man) Oi, oi. What we got ‘ere? You lost? Can't find yer mummy?

All right stay cool, Horace. First impressions count.

What's the matter with you, then?

Your mum abandon you at birth cos you was ugly?

- D'ya know what I mean? - (woman) ‘Ere, you're funny.

- Where's your crew? - Don't have one. I'm a lone wolf.

Like a...

lone...

wolf.

(woman) You should hang wiv us.

I mean, we weren't looking for a coloured fella but you ain't that bad.

You'll have to be initiated, mind.

Yeah. And it ain't easy.

♪ I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

♪ If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

♪ Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Bloody hell, Horace, I never knew black people woz so good at music!

Wicked and bat.

- (Janice) Horace! - Horace!

You don't think I'm a horrible person, do you?

- Define horrible. - I do loads of nice things.

Are any of those nice things for anyone but yourself?

Sometimes.

Like if JJ visits ‘down south' then I make sure the garden's tidy.

Please! I'm your brother.

Horace!

(Jonty) ...certainly not what we made such sacrifice for.

Ordinary, British people want an end to immigration.

Once prosperous areas of London are now worthless,

as the great and the good are overwhelmed

by a tidal wave of West Indians.

Sorry, yeah, hi.

You're saying house prices are dropping because immigrants are moving in?

(Jonty) Yes, a house on Clapham Common sold for £1,000 last week.

Half of what it's actually worth.

The elderly owners were driven out by the smelly, exotic foods,

the cheery parties and rhythmic music of their Caribbean neighbours.

You don't know what you're talking about, mate!

Yeah, how can you satisfy anyone with your tiny dick?

(crowd murmurs)

Are either of you getting the actual point this racist is making?

No, no, no. There is nothing racist about politely asking you all

to go back to where you came from.

(crowd boos)

First of all, I was born here.

Secondly, maybe if you didn't sell them into slavery, they'd already be home.

(crowd agrees)

Noble words, but I ask you,

how many immigrants do you have on your doorstep?

None? Because while you defend them, you don't actually want them

living in your back yard.

No! I do. All are welcome in my yard. Even you.

(crowd agrees)

If you do come down my ends

I'll show you how a real man with a real dick pleases a woman.

What is your obsession with this man's sex technique?

That's Jonty, innit?

- The guy trying to repossess my club? - Yeah.

Why didn't you say anything?

I wouldn't have said all that if I knew he's the landlord. Come on.

(Jonty) Yes, off you pop, then.

This is our mole.

And what do we know about the mole?

They are brown.

They live underground, and when needs must, they will come to the surface.

We know the Wu Tan Clan are our time travellers.

Surely we should go after them?

Do not be foolish. We do not know what their weaponry capabilities are.

They are highly intellectual beings from future.

(Horace) Selecta, jump electa, when the mic's my electa.

(Jason knocking) Horace, what you doing in there? I need a piss, man.

We find Janice, we find the time machine.

Don't look now, but there's a group of West Indians behind us.

I know. They've been following us since the park.

Hiya. Can we help you?

- You did say we could live wid yu. - Did I?

When de white man ask if you'd ‘ave us inna your backyard, yu say yes.

Yeah, I kind of got caught up in the moment trying of proving a point.

- Don't listen to him. Come on in. - Bless you, child.

(Lauren) Welcome. Welcome.

Thank you, thank you.

What's going on?

These people need a home and who are we to shut them all out?

Who indeed.

Come on in. Make yourselves at home. The Wi-Fi password is Rasta 29.

(Nick) Sorry, sorry.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Please don't store your rum so close to an open flame.

Basic health and safety, guys, c'mon.

(Lauren) All right, Nick Knack?

Sorry, when did we become the Calais jungle?

It's only been three days. The neighbours are going to be livid.

Oh, do you think that's why they're all selling up and moving out?

Where did they all come from? Have they multiplied?

Egbert is a father!

(cheering)

Welcome, Nicholas!

(man) Stop!

I've taken the rubbish out.

I said I've taken the... Nothing? Doesn't matter.

You've been here ages. How long does it take to wash your balls?

Go away!

I told you, my club is out of bounds.

(loud music)

Victoria! I can't find my bloody driving gloves.

- What are you looking at? - Nothing.

Good God! There's millions of them! It's like a carnival!

What's he doing down there? Is that my flannel?

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, lucky, lucky towel.

So, what's going on, then? What we doing?

We're going to have us a little fun.

- You in? - Yeah, sweet.

I hope it's Monopoly.

Good afternoon, ladies. Lauren.

All right?

What a way dis young one nice!

Something smells delicious.

We're having cow foot. You ever had cow foot?

Never. What is it?

Cow foot.

Perhaps I could help?

Ooooh, what a way ‘im sweeeeet!

- How do you know when it's ready? - When it's soft and moist.

Tek dat nastiness inna da house!

And put that on the account of Jonty Ripperton-Claque.

(knocking)

Hello?

(Jason) It's me, my fluffy marshmallow, let me in.

Chocolatine. What are you doing here? What if Jonty sees you?

You know, I didn't knock the door with my hand.

Hello, old friend.

It's the girth more than anything.

You just get me.

Come on, babes, let me in.

- Are you mad? - Tell me you don't want it.

- I'd die for it! -That's it, I'm coming in.

(Jonty) Now, look here...

- What's that noise? - It's coming from my loins, baby.

It's Jonty!

(Jason screams)

Very simple. You chaps will have to clear off.

You've had your fun. This is private property

and we don't want your type here.

Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. Could you speak up?

Mr Riperton-Claque, Jonty, your honour.

I'm sure we can come to some kind of arrangement.

We're both reasonable men. I wear glasses.

You have until sundown to clear the property.

Fine. Go ahead.

I am Nick of Nick's World Famous Jazz Club and I ain't going nowhere.

(crowd) We shall not, we shall not be moved.

We shall not, we shall not be moved.

No, no, no. Don't sit. No, no, no, no.

What don't you understand? Private property.

You leave me no choice. Sundown!

You will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.

We shall not, we shall not be moved.

(cheering)

(shouting)

Yeah, man!

You came here with nothing, with the dream of being something.

I, too. I came here and I built my jazz club from nothing!

Wait, the jazz club was already here.

You just dusted it off and hung some bunting.

Hush your beak!

Brothers and sisters, it is time to stand up and be counted

by any means necessary.

This is fun. Have you always been naughty?

Nah, I was head girl at a convent school in Woking.

My dad's an High Court judge.

- Why are we doing this, then? - It's a jazz club. Jazz is for nonces.

Ahh...

If dem throw shit at us, we a go throw shit right back at dem.

As Nicholas say, ‘by any means necessary'.

No, that's not really mine, it's more Malcolm X's,

but if we could focus our energy on Jonty!

Oi! No one throws stuff at us!

Petrol bomb?

That's very kind of you but no, thanks.

Suit ya self.

Shit!

Dem petrol fire! Get out dere and mash dem up!

Protect the club! Protect the club! Protect the... Shit!

(Horace) No, no, no, no, wait. Stop, stop.

- Jase? Where are you going? - Somewhere less fighty.

Stay here and do not let Jonty get near my club!

Wait, everyone just calm down, okay?

There's just been a big misunderstanding!

- Horace! - Nick?

- What are you doing with them? - You don't appreciate me!

Yes, I do! Look, I'm sorry. I just...

Is that a wig?

Yeah.

Ahh, Nick...

No, no!

No, no, no !

No, wait!

Janice?

(Janice) Come on.

Janice, wait! It's hard to run in crepe soles.

We must go to the time machine!

The people I work for are bad men, Horace, the Soviet secret police.

You're a spy?

We cannot let the KGB find the time machine.

You must get back to the year you belong before I destroy it.

Why do you have to destroy it?

Because if it falls into the hands of the KGB

they will send assassins back in time

to kill the parents of great world leaders

thus preventing their birth and corrupting the course of history.

You mean they'll send... Terminators?

I suppose.

What will happen to you?

I will most likely be tortured and killed.

Now come with me or you will never return home to your time!

I can't leave without my friends.

The friends at whom you threw petrol bombs?

Yeah.

Horace!

Okay, raise your hand if you think it's time to go back to the future.

No, no, no. What about Victoria?

How many times does that woman have to dump you?

- And JJ, my baby boy? - He's 32!

- You've come for me! - Er, no, I came for Lauren.

I've come to see if you're all right.

I got you wrong. I've seen what you've done for these people in need.

You've shown them such compassion and I've...

I've never wanted you more, Lauren.

- What are these? - Just my house keys.

Wait. To seven houses?

Yeah? Is it against the law to own seven houses?

They're all on this street.

They were going for cheap so I thought I'd buy them.

All the owners moved out at the same time?

They just didn't like the neighbourhood anymore. How narrow-minded is that?

You only did this so people would sell their houses for peanuts.

- Yeah. Brilliant, right? - You are a horrible person.

You want me to be something I'm not...

A decent human being?

Exactly. Look, JJ,

these houses are going to make me a millionaire. Take care, baby love.

All right, enough of the teary goodbyes. Can we get the hell out of here?

- What about Horace? - There's no time!

Hey, Horace, we were just looking for you.

God, it's so good to see you guys! I love you, Nick, you're the best.

Hello, there's a race riot happening! Can we go already?

I want you to have this.

I got it in a promotional box of Coco Pops when I was 10. To remember me by.

- Why? - Cos I love you, innit?

Oh, you might need to reset that.

Goodbye, my love.

(lively music)

I love my life!

Get away from the time machine!

Never!

Dosvedanya, moya lyubov.

Janice!

Janice!

(Janice) Ow...

I'm sorry. I had to destroy it.

No, no, I understand. I'm actually quite glad.

It means I get to stay here with you.

Wow... That's just how I imagined my first kiss.

With a Soviet spy amongst the rubble of a recently-destroyed time machine

in front of your friends?

Yeah.

What the actual fuck!

Guys, I think that was the time machine.

No shit, dickhead.

Think you're the only one with a time machine? Muggin'.

Wait! Little girl!

- Horace? - Yes, my love.

I prefer you with an afro.

As you wish.