Original subtitles

♪ No letting go No holding back

♪ Because you are my lady

♪ When I'm with you It's all a that

♪ Girl, I'm so glad we've made it

♪ No letting go No holding back

- ♪ No holding back... - No, no, no, stop, stop, stop.

Bruv, beg you don't stop me when I'm in the groove.

I wouldn't have to if you lot weren't butchering a classic.

The lyrics are, ‘No letting go, no holding back

because you are my lady'.

‘Lady', not some skank you picked up behind a Maccy Ds.

All right? From the top again, with feeling.

Man, I don't know. I kind of liked it.

That's weird.

You look a lot like my all-time jazz hero and idol, General L Hands.

That's cos I am, baby. That's cos I am.

So after fees, that's five for me and five for you.

Lauren, if it was my diary that was published, why is my cut so small?

It's all them agent and manager fees.

- But you're my agent and manager. - I know, it's fucking bullshit.

And I know exactly how much is in here, so if any of you touch it, you're dead.

- Why do you look so constipated? - It's this letter from Victoria.

Can you believe she left me here on my own to go to a mate's funeral?

- How inconsiderate of her. - Innit?

Horace, help me read this.

‘Dear caramel cupcake...'

Something about missing you inside of her.

She doesn't know when she'll be back.

Are you joking? What am I supposed to do in the meantime, cum into thin air?

‘See you soon, my cuddly bear. Kiss kiss.'

Cuddly? What does she mean, cuddly?

Someone you can cuddle cos they're soft and plump.

Bruv, I am not soft or plump, yeah? This is mass.

Does she think I'm fat? Am I fat?

Guys, what are you lot doing up here?

This letter from Victoria came, innit?

Oh, really? I don't give a fuck, all right?

The incomparable, legendary, one and only General L Hands

is in my jazz club and you lot are pissing around up here.

Do not ruin this for me!

Uh?

I can't believe it. General Hands eating reconstituted meat in my jazz club.

Well, Hands had to hear the hype for hisself.

Really?

Everybody be like, ‘you got to hear this band play.'

I'm like, ‘what, the cat wid da titty bar playing the titty music?'

But, shit, they am not lying. Y'all smoother than apple butter.

Oh, my God, thank you!

I mean, I have zero idea what apple butter means...

Flavoured lube.

Y'all got it going on. You remind me a lot of me and my... band when we...

- You all right, mate? - I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just a lil ol' house fire a few days ago that burnt my band to death.

Horace, more meat in a tin.

Look at me, crying like a little girl.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring the mood down.

I jus' wanted to tell y'all how good your were, that's all.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Can you not stay for one more?

No, I'll see y'all around.

Oh... None of y'all happen to know a hotel around here?

Oh, wait, there's the one on the corner.

Yeah, where that young coloured cat got viciously beaten to death.

That's horrible. Why don't you just stay with us?

No, Hands don't want to impose... Only if you're sure.

- Of course. - Ha-ah!

You can have Horace's bed.

Oh, and, Hands. Not to step on your dead band mates' toes,

but if you ever want to jam, just let me know.

All right!

Or gig. But like a super small gig. A grieving gig, maybe tomorrow night?

Just, you, me, and a small paying audience.

Sure. It sounds nice.

- That way? - Yeah, yeah.

‘Not to step on your dead band mates' toes?'.

What? He's grieving, and nothing heals the soul more than jazz.

- It's for him, not me. - Really?

Yes, really. It's called being selfless, Lauren. You should try it sometime.

Anyway, what are you complaining about?

If he performs here, do you know how much money he'll bring in?

Hi, Lauren Wolton of Wolton Management.

Please make yourself at home. Here's my card.

Don't be fooled by the crayon, I am very professional.

‘Agent to the stars'. I'll be sure to call.

Here's the phone you asked for, Mr Hands.

- Thank you, ah... - Horace.

Oh! Pretty name. I had a dog named Horace.

Contracted rabies. Had to put it down with my bare hands.

I had a hamster I accidentally sucked up with a Dyson.

Well, if you need anything else, just let me know.

I'll be over there, sleeping in the broom cupboard.

- All right. - Okay.

All right.

Hello, Willie. Yeah.

What you mean who it is?

Calm down, Willie. I said I'll get your money.

Please, baby, I just need a little mo' time, that's all.

Don't worry about how I'm gon' get it, I'm just gon' get...

(Willie) Hands? Hands? Hands?

Goddamn!

How long you been standing there?

I thought you might want some fresh towels, Mr Hands.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

That was just an old band mate of Hands.

Oh, one of the one's that died in the house fire?

Yeah. No!

No, no, no.

From an older band from before the fire.

- Oh, right. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah...

You don't believe me? You calling Hands a liar?

No...

That's how you want to play it. Well, two can play at that game, sucker.

What are you doing?

Lauren...

- You'd fuck me, right? - Nothing could make me that desperate.

Victoria am not returning any of my calls.

Are you still obsessing over that?

Maybe I have gained weight, but it am not my fault.

It's all that regurgitated meat and lard that Horace keeps feeding us.

Plus no one in this backward century has heard of a fucking kettle bell!

(sounds of anguish)

- What's the hell is that? - (Hands) Ooh, help me, help me!

- (Nick) Mr Hands, what's wrong? - My voice, my voice. Take it out.

Take out the pin from the gris-gris. Take it out! Take it...

I can't breathe...

(gasping)

You! You did this! Did you see that? He know voodoo!

- Me? - First my band dying and now this.

Hah! You!

No, I'm sure there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

Horace! Horace dun this!

He hates me. This is part of his plan!

I cannot play in your club,

and I certainly cannot stay in this house any longer.

Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!

No no, no, no, no. Hands. Wait!

Look at that. Horace is givin' me the evil eye!

He's got bad juju, Nicholas! Deep down in his soul, I'm telling ya!

Please, Hands. There must be something we can do!

Lauren and I did a Ouija board for fun once

but I've never actually practiced voodoo.

Yeah, I know, but Hands is from Louisiana and believes all that stuff.

Where am I supposed to go?

I don't know. Just go chill out somewhere.

Just until the bad juju's gone.

- How long will that be? - Who can tell?

TBH, I'm not really a juju expert.

Anyway, I'd best go, Hands wants a foot rub. Love ya!

Are we just going to leave him outside?

He'll be fine. Horace is one of those black people

that loves sleeping outdoors.

- Juju? Really? - It's a thing!

Look, we've already sold out tonight's gig

where you'll get to make a shitload of money

and I get to perform with my all-time hero.

Win, win. Hands will be good for us. You'll see.

(gospel singing)

...in the Saviour's love.

Mi nah know about your god, but my god is good.

(congregation murmurs)

Mi nah know about your god, but my god is powerful!

Mi nah know about your god, but my god is my everything! Amen!

(congregation) Amen!

(Speaking in Tongues)

Now, mi know say some a unu ‘ave some pain,

some sorrow inna your hearts.

If a yu mi a chat about, step forward.

- Sorry. - It's all right, son.

Nothing to be afraid of. What de pon yer mind?

Well, er, nothing actually de pon my mind.

Just some heavy stuff with General Hands and that

but you guys don't need to hear about that.

You see these? Look ‘pon them.

Dem is fi yu. Come forward and talk, my man.

(man) Speak, breddah, speak.

(woman) Come forward. Come through, come through.

(Horace) Well...

My name's Horace Cunningham...

- (man) Welcome, Horace, welcome. - I've got a case of the bad juju.

(knocking)

Someone's in here, man.

I can't wait any longer. My prostate's bigger than a coconut.

Oh, don't mind me. Go ahead. Keep doing what you doing.

If you don't mind me saying you got a mighty fine musculature.

If by ‘fine', you mean ‘cuddly', you can piss off.

Sure you carryin' a little bit of puppy fat here'n'there,

but I think it's kind of cute.

I am not going for cute. Man's going for buff ting.

You chasing a perfection that don't exist.

You got to learn to love yo'self, like Hands loves himself.

How can I love myself when I look like this?

Look at yo' young, supple, smooth, smiling body.

God himself couldn't a chiselled a finer physique.

Ah. Thanks, Mr Hands.

Oh, please. Please call me Linus.

- Why? - Cos that's my name, sugar brother.

Good evening, brother Horace.

Oh, bad juju!

I'm just going to leave because I don't want to infect your congregation.

Relax, now, man. You look tired and hungry.

Well, I'm on the streets now.

Lawd a Mercy. Well, you have to stay wid us.

London can be a wicked place fi us people. Yu wan' a likkle bulla cake?

Yeah, I'd love some bulla cake.

Yu with Jesus now. Yu baptised?

- No. - (congregation gasps)

Lawd God! Sister Mavis, tek back de bulla cake.

Tek it back.

How can you be safe from de evil of Satan and London

wid a uncleansed soul?

Nah worry yourself. Brothers and sisters, we have a soul to save.

Amen!

We are go go up the mountain and we are go pull the devil down.

(congregation) Amen!

We're going to stamp him out. We're going to stamp out Lucifer!

We're going to drag him down and say, Lucifer, we don't want you!

Stamp out Satan. Stamp out Satan.

Mr Hands. How you doing?

Fine, fine, fine. I wouldn't recommend heading in there just yet.

Oh no, I was thinking we should probably rehearse for the gig tonight.

I was thinking we could do a couple of your songs.

‘Who's Dat Mama Wid Da Fat Ass', ‘Heroin Blues'.

I'm sorry, brother. Jason an' I, we got plans.

You hanging out with Jason?

The guy who thinks the capital of England is E?

Boy's got a lotta talents you folks don't know about.

He's hiding his light under a bushel.

I intend to shake that bushel off and feel his light all over my face.

What?

Where's my fucking money?

Nick? Jase!

Hey, Lauren.

What are you so happy about?

Ah, Nothing. Just a certain someone taught me how to love myself.

Good for you.

On a subject more important than your mental health, my money's gone.

Why you looking at me?

This is nice. Feels expensive. Is that real fur?

I dunno. Linus bought it for me.

Why would General Hands buy you a fur coat?

It's called being nice. You might want to try it sometime.

If I bought JJ a fur coat, I'd expect ‘something' in return.

You see? A man being unable to buy another man nice things

is everything that's wrong with modern-day masculinity.

Ready, Linus.

Okay, pretty mouth. Shine for me.

♪ Oh, happy day

♪ When Jesus washed my sins away

(woman) Psst. Psst. Horace.

- Jesus? - (woman) Behind you.

Horace, it is so good to hear your voice.

Janice, is that you?

Listen to me, Horace, I don't have much time, there are eyes everywhere.

You are no longer safe here.

Meet me outside on the corner in 10 minutes, do you understand?

Er, yeah, okay.

Brother Horace, you ready for your baptism?

I can't.

Baptism can be a likkle scary, but you must have faith.

Can you do a baptism in 8.5 minutes?

Nah, man. Yu can't rush the transformative experience

of stepping into de light of our Father, the Lawd Jesus Christ. Amen?

(congregation) Amen.

Okay. Well, quick as you can.

I know you've got my money, you creepy piece of shit.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God!

(sniffs)

Nick...

What are you doing?

Hands said he needs some clean drawers.

Oh, all right, well, I don't want to piss on your chips

- but General Hands is a sex pest. - What? No, no, no!

This is like my idol Bill Cosby all over again.

Suddenly several dozen women appear out of nowhere,

and I'm supposed to believe that they were all preyed on by one guy

because they all happened to have the exact same story.

- I will not believe it. - Look.

- Oh, my God. - I know.

Oh, my God. There's loads of them.

Jason's been feeling down about his weight.

- Hands has been taking advantage. - They must've spent hours together.

Sorry, what?

What are they, like best friends now or something?

Me and Hands have way more in common. Un-fucking believable!

(sounds of fighting)

Yeah, Hands got ya now, boy!

Fight back now. Come on, come on!

Horace!

Horace!

(Horace) ♪ Lord, I've been broken

♪ Although I'm not worthy

♪ You fixed me, now I'm blinded

♪ By your grace

♪ You came and saved me

♪ One time for the Lord

♪ And one time for the cause

(pastor) You are cleansed, my son.

Peace be with you, peace be with you.

Horace! You all right?

Lauren, I'm juju free.

Horace, you don't have bad juju. Hands is a bullshitter.

Really?

He's got everyone brainwashed.

And more importantly, that dickhead stole my money.

Maybe he borrowed your money

because he wanted to pay back his band mate.

What?

I heard him on the phone saying that he's going to pay someone back

- as soon as he finds a way. - That lying piece of shit. Come on.

Where're we going?

To tell everyone that Hands is a bullshitter.

Brother Horace, is whey yu a go?

I've got to go now. But thanks, Pastor Gabriel.

It was the best 45 minutes of my life.

Sister Gloria, mi a go call yu.

Sister Mavis, tanks fi di bulla, yeah?

Deacon Russell and Brother Tony, mi see unu later. Bless up. Bye.

Lauren?

Where are you, Horace?

Come on. Hurry up!

Where are you going?

- What are you doing? - Good Lord!

Why are you throwing them away? I made these for you!

- Why? - Because it's what you like.

Oh, baby, I think you got the wrong idea.

(Jason) Hey, guys, what's going on?

You took naked pictures of Jason.

What are you doing with my pictures?

- Now can I say something? - (Jason) Say what?

We know that he manipulated you into taking these pictures.

- No, he didn't. - You don't have to lie for this creep.

Linus am not no creep.

- He calls you pretty mouth. - I do have a pretty mouth.

Sorry, he lets you call him Linus. I don't even get to call him Linus.

Linus took these pictures because I asked him to.

- Why? - Because I'm beautiful.

And I forgot that. And if it wasn't for Linus, I may never have remembered.

That still doesn't explain why he took naked pictures of you.

Linus suggested we do a photo shoot to remind Victoria of my beauty.

Bullshit. These are all cock and balls.

He am not even got rid of your double chin.

Don't you listen to her, she just a mean assho.

Who give you the right to go through my trunk anyhow?

I know that you stole my money.

I have never been made to feel so unwanted.

And I've been chased by the Ku Klux Klan!

Hands is gone.

No, Hands, don't leave again. Hands!

Mr Hands. What about our gig? What about our blossoming friendship?

My money! I knew it!

Linus, why is your suitcase full of dirty magazines?

Oh, my God. You were going to sell Jason's pictures to the magazine.

What? They're jus my pictures for a lil self lovin', that's all.

‘Dearest, Linus. Thank you for your selection of pictures.'

‘They will appear in next month's issue of Scantily Clad Gents.'

Well, Hands, he's got to eat.

Wait, wait. I get why you wanted pictures of Jason,

but it still doesn't explain why you didn't want to hang out with me.

I find you creepy.

See you around, creepy.

Yeah, well, your third studio album was mediocre at best!

Weak. Insults aren't your thing, are they, bruv?

All right, well, time to go. Gig's cancelled.

And no refunds as we're not covered for the main act being a dirty old man.

Maybe I'm the one with bad juju.

Come on. Let's get you some meat in a tin. Come on.

Thanks, Horace. You're a good man.

I am a good man.

Janice!

Where is the time machine?

Young man, you look a likkle troubled. You wan' a likkle bulla cake?

Put her in the van.