Original subtitles

(sounds of sex)

I can't take this anymore.

I know, who does DIY at this time of night?

I'm joking. Your sister's having sexual intercourse.

I've been listening to my son have sex for 45 minutes non-stop.

I am totally weirded out.

But also incredibly proud.

Maybe you should talk to him, Jason? Father to son.

Obviously without actually telling him you're his dad

cos that would really fuck things up.

Yeah, you're right, I'm his father.

I should have the sex talk with him, that's what dads do.

Maybe just give him advice how not to have sex.

And say what? That goes against everything I believe in.

Google it! Aaah... That doesn't exist yet.

How did anyone find anything out about anything without Google?

I know, it's weird.

Have you ever heard of books?

Yeah, course I have.

Okay, Jason, what are books?

I will not play your mind games.

(noise intensifies)

Okay, tell me more about these books, then.

Okay, one more time just so I'm totally clear.

- All this is true. - That's right, all this is true.

But all this is bullshit?

Not bullshit, just fiction. They're made-up stories.

So, tell me, this...

- Book. - Book, yeah.

Is this true or is it bullshit?

That's true.

Okay, I'd like to buy this book, then, please.

Oh, thank God.

So what's this?

That's my diary!

‘Based on the mysterious diary found in a bush,

Timebender is a startling vision of the future'.

- I thought you burnt my diary. - I thought I burnt your diary. Shit!

If people find out about the future before it's even happened,

it could tear a hole in the space-time continuum.

- What does that even mean? - I don't know.

Are you kidding me? How could you write that?

‘Today I experimented with trimming my pubes'.

Not that, that. ‘Sometimes Lauren can be proper selfish'.

Ah, it's like turning your privacy settings off on Facebook.

Everyone trims their pubes. Right?

Do you all think I'm selfish?

Lauren, yes. Jason, sometimes.

Horace, you've got buy up every copy of Timebender and destroy it.

We've got to cut off all links to our past.

Fuck's sake.

This place is a dump. What happened to the cleaning woman?

Chairman Vadim is here from Moscow. He has a job for you, Janice.

Watching television?

He believes many British television stars are also spies.

You are to watch and identify suspects.

But I am field agent.

We think perhaps this might be more your level.

(children's TV show)

Oh, and, Janice, Chairman Vadim insists you don't miss anything,

not even a second.

Thanks for helping me buy up all these copies of Timebender, Lauren.

See, nice person, not selfish, doing things for other people.

Hi.

Wow.

We'd like to buy up all your copies of Timebender, please.

- What are you laughing at? - I have absolutely no idea, Lauren.

Timebender's all sold out, sir, sold the last copy this morning.

- Is that a joke? - No.

Us and every other bookshop in the city.

But it's just the ramblings of a dickhead.

Lauren, I'm literally standing right next to you.

This is probably the most important science fiction book ever written.

Horace Cunningham's imaginings of a future world are borne of a unique mind;

iPhones, Deliveroo, Pornhub.

Genius.

Question, who do actually think Horace Cunningham is?

No-one knows who Horace Cunningham is, his identity is a mystery.

I have my theories, though.

- You've got to tell people, Horace! - But Nick said...

Fuck Nick! Did you see who that guy said wrote your book? All white people.

You are being whitewashed! Reclaim it. Do it for us. Do it for the culture.

And I'll be your manager and split the money.

- What was that last bit? - Reclaim it.

Do it for us. Do it for the culture.

And I'll be your manager and split the money.

Lauren, you keep mumbling that last bit.

It doesn't matter. C'mon, let's go and save the world, Horace!

- Bad time? - No, no.

I was just rinsing out Geronimo.

My sheath has been rather busy of late.

Yeah, about that. Look, sex isn't everything.

But I thought I hadn't lived until I'd smashed my way into double figures?

You shouldn't listen to everything your brethren tell you.

- But that was you that said that. - Let's not fight.

I'm on your side here, champ.

- I'm sorry, I'm confused. - Hormones can be confusing.

I just want you to know that everything you're feeling is normal

- for a boy of your age. - I'm 32.

My God, you've grown up so fast.

I think I see what you're getting at.

You think Lauren and I are moving too quickly.

- A bit fast, yeah. - You're right, old sport.

I haven't been behaving in a gentlemanly way whatsoever.

Thank you, Jason. You really are so very wise.

Oh, there you are, Nickynoonah. I want you to meet a great chum of mine.

This is Ronnie. I know you two will get on famously.

Ronnie is one of the best jazz sax players in the country.

But in the city I'm awful!

He's a gas!

- Lol. - Yes, lol.

This is a lovely club you've got here.

You know, I was thinking of setting up my own one actually.

- Tough business. - Oh, really?

Trust me, very hard to make money. You really need to be on it.

You're probably right, stupid idea. Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club.

Eurgh! No, never would have caught on.

- Silly Ronnie! - Silly Ronnie.

Silly Ronnie!

- You're Ronnie Scott? - Yes.

Shit.

(Janice) Horace Cunningham will give you

an exclusive interview on your TV show.

That's right. The Horace Cunningham.

Yeah, he wants to reveal his identity. I'm his manager.

(knocking)

Fuck! Will some fucker please invent the smartphone?

Come in. No, not you. See you Friday.

Oh, cool.

No, no, Lauren dear, no rumpy pumpy this time.

I'm here to ask if you would care to step out with me?

You want to fight? Bit weird.

No, I'd like to ask you to afternoon tea sometime.

That sounds... dry! No, thanks. Take your pants off.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to have a relationship

just based upon intercourse. I want to treat you like a lady.

But I'm not a lady and I don't like tea

and all I want to do is get right up in those bad trousers

and ride you like a broken see-saw, so that's a no from me.

I must insist, let me take you out.

Or I'm afraid I can't continue to be your...

- Fuck buddy? - Quite.

All right, fine. We'll go to stupid, shitty, boring afternoon tea.

Capital! We can wear hats.

Toodle-pip.

You know Stan Getz and Stuff Smith are forming a new band together?

Wow, really?

Yes, it's called the Get Stuffed Quintet!

Thank you.

Edgy humour.

Yes, it's a good joke. Very funny. Listen about the club.

I don't want it putting you off starting your own.

But you said it was a tough business and very hard to make any money.

You got me! Yes, I did say that.

But I just feel like you would make a better go of it than me.

In fact I'd say - and this is just a hunch -

but if you did start your own jazz club,

it would probably go on to be the most important jazz venue in the world.

- That's quite a prediction. - Like I said, just a hunch.

Actually, I have seen a cracking little venue in Soho.

- Yes. That. Do that. - Yeah, maybe I will.

- Good. - Yes.

Fancy playing the opening night?

- Oh, my God, yes. - Ah, okay.

Great.

‘May 12th. Feeling well vexed. My Oyster card was on minus 60p

so had to schlep home from Wagamamas.

Nana just bought a brand-new Sony Bravia

super HD flat screen to watch the royal wedding.

Is it weird I kind of fancy Oprah?'

That was an excerpt from Timebender,

the science fiction novel currently topping the bestsellers list.

I'm joined tonight by Casper Barnstaple of The Times.

We'll be discussing the novel and it's place in the literary canon

and later I'll be joined...

Lauren, I can't do it. These people are proper clever.

They're never going to believe me.

Just put on your best white person voice, like at job interviews.

What happened to doing it for us and the culture?

Well, yeah, we're bringing the system down from within.

In Horace you've created something of a risible, pathetic character,

yet used your own name.

Would you say the book is something of a postmodern memoir?

Or is it a satire on Freud's psychic apparatus?

Absolutely.

Food plays a very prominent role, doesn't it, particularly KFC?

Tell me, what exactly is a ‘boneless banquet for one'?

Put simply, Casper, it's three mini breast fillets, popcorn chicken,

fries and a side.

And would that be the same as ‘getting a boner'?

No, that's... I'd rather not talk about that.

(woman) When Horace is 14 he is heavily influenced by a musical genre

you've called UK garage.

What do you imagine that would sound like?

Well, it rather sounds something like...

♪ Hardcore You know the score

♪ Rhymes so good I deserve an encore

♪ All about the style we bring We make you laugh

♪ Like when you was A little child again

♪ Smooth, that's how I roll I've got so much soul that

♪ When I step into the party I want to move somebody

♪ I want to move somebody

What an incredible mind.

♪ Stop! How you like my, how you like my How you like my - style!

♪ Style! Style! Switch.

I'm done already.

Mate! The best thing happened. I gave JJ some advice and he listened.

Why is Horace advertising lard?

I don't know. Nick, being a dad is such a spiritual feeling.

I think I'm going to ask Victoria to go halves on another baby with me.

Yeah, cool. Listen, I gotta go.

Oh, yo. Do you mind leaving that?

Oh, what, you going to practice reading?

No. We're out of toilet roll and that's just thick enough

that my finger won't go into my butthole.

What the fuck?

♪ Switch ! Hardcore You know the score

♪ Rhymes so good I deserve an encore

♪ All about the style we bring We make you laugh

♪ Like when you was A little child again

♪ Smooth, that's how I roll I've got so much soul that

♪ When I step into the party I want to move somebody

♪ I want to move somebody

♪ Do you really like it Do you really like it?

♪ We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it We're lovin' it like this

♪ Do you really like it Is it, is it wicked?

♪ We're lovin‘ it, lovin' it, lovin' it We're lovin' it like that...

No, I do not really, really like it.

♪ How you like my How you like my - style! Style!

What the fuck?

Yeah, so, things got a little bit out of hand.

I'm actually a pretty big deal at the moment.

I'm surprised you haven't noticed.

Well, I've been a bit busy

trying to save jazz for all of mankind actually, Horace.

- Jazz is fine. - Jazz is dead, fam.

Tonight I witnessed the future!

No, Ronnie, jazz is the future.

Not according to Timebender.

Exactly. That's why I'm pieing off this whole jazz club idea

and I'm launching Ronnie Scott's UK Garage Club

in the heart of Soho. Bound 4 Da Reload!

If you've killed jazz I will never forgive you.

Don't be like that.

Check it out! Your advance for the sequel, Timebender 2022.

Oh, there must be about a million pounds in there.

Actually it's three grand but that's Jay-Z money these days.

Wait. I don't remember agreeing to write a sequel.

You were busy so I did it for you. Right, well, you'd better get started.

I told them you'd be done by Wednesday.

It's Tuesday. I can't write another Timebender book.

Course you can. You did the first one, didn't you?

Yeah, but that was just my diary. I wrote down stuff that happened.

So write down stuff that might happen, you're a writer now.

A writer?

Well, I suppose I am.

(fast jazz music)

Oh, Cocoa Pod! Come, we're having a UK garage party.

Sick.

Freddie has made his own Adidas trackie Bs.

And I've got Nike Air Maximums!

Listen, babes. I got something important I want to talk to you about.

Gosh, is everything all right?

It's fine, baby love, it's more than fine.

Look, being a parent's been the best thing that's ever happened to me

so I was thinking, let's do some more special cuddles and have another baby.

- You want us to have another child? - Let's complete the family.

The thing is, poppet, we're somewhat broke right now

and babies are terribly expensive.

I'll get a job. There's got to be a Sports Direct around here.

It's not just that, darling, it's just, oh, how can I put it…?

I can't...

...be bothered. We're having too much fun.

A baby's such a terrible drag on your social life.

Come on, darling, let's dance. Hetty's on the ones and twos.

Bass!

- You finished? - Not quite.

Horace, mate, there's about 1,000 geeks camped outside waiting for this book.

I can't do it! My muse has simply abandoned me.

I'm not being funny but you did sign a contract.

No, I didn't.

All right, I signed a contract but I did it in your name so... same thing.

I can't work like this.

Just write something about getting a new phone.

But who can possibly say what mobile phones will look like in 2022?

It's simply inconceivable to imagine what may come after the iPhone 10S.

Horace, I don't want to put you under any pressure

but you are the voice of a generation

and I've spent the advance on a shitty feather hat, so, chop chop.

I don't hear typing.

Thank you for agreeing to this.

I'd like to start again with our courtship,

this time adhering to good, old-fashioned values, is that okay?

- Not really. - Darling, what is it you object to?

The chaperone‘s a bit weird for a start.

Thanks anyway, Agatha.

Lauren, I just want us to get to know each other without any distractions.

What?

Oh, sorry, yeah, let's talk, then.

- Shall we go and have intercourse? - Fuck, yeah.

- Something on your mind? - It's useless, I can't write.

I know what you mean, bruv. All them words, all them letters, it's confusing.

No, I can't finish my book.

I'm going to disappoint thousands of people.

Fuck!

What's getting you down?

Victoria doesn't want to have another baby with me.

At least you won't have Nick moaning at you out for ‘messing up the future'.

That guy's losing it, I swear.

Banging on about the space-time condominium and that.

He's bear paranoid. If I told the world the truth about coming here

in a time machine, I guarantee nothing would happen.

Trust.

Fuck!

Actually, that could work. I could tell my fans I'm an actual time traveller.

They won't care that there's no new Timebender

if they know that I'm from the future.

Girls will go nuts for it.

- You think? - Guaranteed, bruv.

Who don't want to have sex with the future?

Thanks, Jase, I really feel like we've made a breakthrough here.

- Who needs Nick? - Nick the prick!

(both) Fuck!

So the thing is, Cynthia, there will be no Timebender 2022

because where I'm from 2022 hasn't happened yet, do you understand?

Where you're from being...

2019.

Of course.

So the truth is, me and my friends are from the future. Well, your future.

It's kind of my past except we didn't come in a phone box like Dr Who,

not that you know who that is yet, because it hasn't happened.

But I swear when you do you'll like him, or her. Spoiler alert. Ah, shit.

Sorry. I'm waffling, I'm nervous.

The fact of the matter is, I'm a time traveller.

What the fuck you do that for?

Don't worry, Lauren, my fans will believe me.

(crowd) Liar, liar, liar!

Okay, that seems to have backfired.

Hello. Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club.

Jazz club? What happened to the UK garage?

Nick, no-one's listening to UK garage any more, Nick.

There's only so many times you can listen to someone shout ‘Selecta'

without actually wondering what it is you're meant to be selecting.

I cannot tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that.

So, how's opening night going?

Rather slowly, I'll be honest.

You know, the bouncers are simply chucking them in!

Very good. Hey, I'm sure things'll pick up when me and my band play.

Yes, Nick, about that. I don't think that we can have your band playing

what with the way your singer is and all.

- Horace? - He's completely lost the plot.

Reckons he's travelled from the year 2019 in a lift.

We've had to book General Hands instead.

Fuck's sake.

Don't worry, Nick, all the best jazz heads are a bit mad!

- What the fuck? - I made a mistake.

Oh, you reckon?

Nick, you go very sassy when you're angry.

Bitch!

Look, I'm sorry, but I need to explain it all to Lauren.

(sounds of sex)

Actually I think I'll catch her tomorrow instead.

How many times did I need to say to you, Horace,

don't talk about being from the future?

What does it matter? Turns out no-one takes me seriously anyway.

You need to just relax.

Nothing bad is going to happen because no-one's watching us.

Fact of the matter is - I'm a time traveller.

Janice has gone. We've checked everywhere. What do we do?

You find her!

Oh, and whilst we're here, not all people in the future

wax their back, sack and crack.

Just some people, including me.

As a treat.