Original subtitles

(lift bell rings)

(yelling)

It's fixed, the time machine's fixed!

Wait, wait, wait.

Is it fixed? Does it work?

No, but how do I know this is real and I'm awake

and this is not some kind of sick dream?

Argh!

Homeless Pete, that fucking hurt!

Which means I'm not dreaming,

which means I can go home!

Yes!

Homeless Pete. - Yeah?

When was the last time you had a bath?

1859.

Da da da da da da, hey!

Da da da da da da, hey!

Da da da da da da, hey!

Da da da da da da, hey!

Goodbye olden days, hello South London!

The streets paved with fake hair and chicken bones.

I'm going straight to JDs to get some Reeboks.

These brogues are brukking up my bunions, man.

I just feel so underwhelmed.

We had this opportunity to visit the past, and what have we done with our time here?

We could always do something meaningful before we go,

like kill Hitler or blow up the Death Star.

I've achieved a lot.

By becoming the sugar child of a rich white woman?

Exactly.

Shit, Victoria's gonna be gutted when she finds out I'm leaving.

Maybe I'll get her a rose and a pen.

Breaking hearts is hard, man.

This entire time I've been treading on eggshells,

thinking Homeless Pete sent us back for some higher purpose.

I think it's safe to say he's just a bum

who jacked up in a lift and found a wormhole.

So it's just random, us being here?

I could have done anything, but I've just wasted my-,

Your entire life, yeah.

I was going to say my time here.

Right, so we've got one more day in the '20s, and I could do anything.

I could act like a dick and it wouldn't matter?

You do act like a dick because you are a dick.

But no, it doesn't matter.

So stop living in the never-never and live in the now.

How'd that feel?

Awful.

Yet liberating.

Right, enjoy. I'm off to spend my last day shopping.

Someone wanna tell Curtis the good news?

Hey chicken.

The time machine's fixed now, so we can go home

and get you the medical help you so urgently need.

Safe, safe.

Right after Lauren's done a spot of shopping.

I'm a dick!

Babes, can we talk?

Not now, darlington.

I'm late for a sitting with this exciting young artist

who makes people look all back to front.

I'm so modern!

Baby, listen.

Ah, where to begin?

Maybe I should do this naked.

Women always feel better when they see me naked.

I'm leaving.

Oh, I know that.

The gangly boring one told me.

You must be goose-pimplingly excited.

Shh, it's okay baby, it's okay.

Well, don't think I'll let you go without throwing a horribly super party.

No need to be brave.

Let it out.

Right, must dash. Artists are very temperamental.

Goodness knows what he might do to me if I'm late.

Wow!

It's too much, innit?

I like it. You look like Puff Daddy.

It's not usually my thing

but the guy at the shop said I could open an account.

No credit check or nothing.

It was the same everywhere.

Fabergé, Chanel, Cartier.

These are real diamonds, Horace! - Ahh, shiny!

I'm gonna make a mint when I put these on eBay.

But how you gonna pay off the credit if we're leaving?

I'm never gonna have to pay it off cos I'll be in another century.

That's why you're smart. When we get back, you should so do a TED talk.

Oh my days, have you seen Nick?

Last time I saw him, he was leaving the toilet seat up.

Said it was something he'd always wanted to do.

Yeah, well I think he's taken it up a notch.

Did Victoria give him a bit of er-, (sniffs)

Nah, that's all him.

Now he knows he's going home, he's finally having the time of his life.

(yelling)

My friends!

Ahh, I fucking love this tune!

Pull up!

We need to get him a smash.

Charming.

The cherry on the perfect final night, which for a man is having sex.

So you need to get him a smash.

What am I, a pimp?

Do you really want me to answer that?

Sorry about this, fella.

But as your GP, I'm prescribing you one cheeky course of champagne.

I don't want it.

What's up with you?

No, nothing.

It's just, look at her.

She's crushed.

Yeah, she looks devo.

It is a bit rude she isn't more sad, innit?

Maybe she's not made the link between me leaving,

and not being able to have sex with me.

Uh-huh.

It's times like this I wish I could just send a dick pic, you know?

(bell rings)

I'd like to say a few words on behalf of me and my friends,

because as you know, we are leaving tomorrow.

Aww.

Yeah, innit?

I'd like to, er, say a special thank you to Victoria,

who has so kindly welcomed us into her life, her home,

and me into her bed, and her herself.

- Alright, wrap it up mate. - I'm not finished.

A body I will no longer be inside of, because I will be gone, never to return.

No more sex for you, because tomorrow-,

Thank you, precious.

In other news, and the main reason we're all here,

the big unveiling.

A painting of me!

(applause)

It's so modern I could die!

Thank you, Pablo, you've absolutely captured my perfect nose!

Somewhere.

Now let's all drink to excess and celebrate me, me, me!

Moo!

Aw, where's your Puff Daddy coat?

I gave it to someone.

They did me a favour.

You're so generous with your stolen goods, Lauren.

I know, right?

Wee-wee time.

Ahh.

'Allo.

I have a cigarette that needs lighting.

Er, yeah?

I think there are some matches in the toilet.

Erm, I've just been holding my penis

so my hands are a bit penisy, do you mind?

Why would I?

Is that good?

The best. Turkish blend.

I feel my lungs curl with every inhale.

I've never smoked.

Ahh, that's good.

(vomiting)

I suppose it gets easier the more you do it?

Doesn't everything?

Oggy oggy oggy! Oi oi oi!

That's why I've decided to not give a shit, you know?

Have fun, fuck it all.

Do you like fun?

I love fun.

I know a place where we could have fun.

Privately.

As in sexually.

We don't have to go full penetration but I'd rather we did,

you know, because that's the kind of guy I am now.

And I've got nothing to lose by asking.

Life's too short, huh?

It's actually not, but I'm just toying with this new Nick angle.

So back to me asking you for sex.

Now I know you may say no or think that I'm some kind of psycho,

but who cares, right?

Because I'm just a person and you're just a-,

Is that a yes?

Why don't you show me this place of yours?

Okay.

Er, this is kind of awkward and a bit of an old Nick thing to ask, but-,

have you had an STD check-up recently?

STD?

Venereal diseases. Gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts.

I understand they're rife and, like, hard to shift.

Oh! Ooo la la!

Don't we need to leave soon?

What have you got in there?

Furs, Fabergé eggs, first editions.

New shit that's about to become vintage shit, and worth a shitload.

Yeah, well it ain't gonna fit in the lift, so-,

The hell it won't. Give me a hand.

I'll give you 1% of what I make.

Is that, like, half?

Yeah.

Victoria!

Oh, morning.

I didn't know you were still here.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Hmm. Well.

Victoria, wait! What, is that it?

Oh, of course! For all the entertainment.

I don't carry actual money. Do you take cheques?

Nah, babes. I don't want your money.

I want you, innit? Come with me.

Dearheart, I couldn't possibly.

Hot places are so unbecoming, and I can only imagine where you're from is very hot.

Victoria, I've fallen in love with you.

So if you don't wanna come with me then-, I guess I'll stay.

My sweet, sweet Creole cupcake.

I fear you'd be staying just for me, that makes my tummy come over all queer.

- It's called love, baby. - Or is it nausea? I think it's nausea.

Goodbyes are so hard and yet, farewell forever!

Oh, I'm late!

Look, Jason-,

I don't want to talk about it.

Er, well, if we're on the topic of love,

I should probably chuck in that I'm married.

It was instant chemistry, you know?

She was kind and sweet, and she said I was charming and funny,

and I said people think of me as a young Chris Rock,

and she laughed even though she didn't know who Chris Rock was.

Get to the part where you decided to throw your life away.

We laughed and kissed and joked and kissed, and before you knew it,

our bodies were intertwined making deep, hard love 'til dawn

behind a set of bins.

Jesus Christ, you were only supposed to have sex with her.

- What? - What?

When you meet a girl, you have sex,

maybe you make her breakfast in the morning.

You lie about keeping in touch on Facebook.

Who proposes to a one-night stand?

I did.

Yeah, and need I remind you she cheated on you?

Wait, so you married her and now you're just gonna leave her?

I'm not leaving.

- Screw the fact that she's in love with you. - I'm staying.

That she gave you her heart, despite the social stigma

of interracial relationships in this age of ignorance.

Now fuck all that yeah? - No, I'm staying.

Oh.

What?

Nick, I know you're a dick but please, don't be a bigger dick now.

'Stop living in the never-never and live in the now.'

Who fed you that bullshit?

You!

You know nothing about this woman.

Er, her name's Nicola and she is-,

my everything!

She told you her name's Nicola?

Wait. Nick, Nicola, Nicola, Nick,

Nicola, Nick, Nick, Nicola, Nick-, that is too cute!

I'm so made up for you bruv.

(screaming)

Thank you!

Thank you.

I'm glad someone is.

If you'll excuse me, my wife and I are moving into our new lodgings.

Fam, I want you to take my Rolex.

Sell it, buy something nice for your new life.

The life I'll never have.

You know this is fake, right?

I mean, ahh, thank you! That's wicked.

So, erm, before you go, come for supper?

Right.

Where you going? We're supposed to be leaving.

Nick has inspired me to do whatever it takes to be with my true love, Victoria.

Oh my God!

So there's no drinking, and we must share a kitchen, but-,

Ta-daa!

What do you think?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Super cosy.

Argh!

When you get a big job, we can buy a villa in Clapham.

Yeah, big job.

What can't a black trumpeter with a 2:2 in Media Studies do in 1920s London?

I thought we was going home?

I'm not leaving without my brother.

Well, you tell Curtis to his dying face that we're not going home yet.

We're not going home yet.

At least we get to meet Nicola.

I already have.

When?

When I discovered that a mink coat can buy you anything.

I don't get it.

- Nicola is not Nicola. She's a pros-, - Here it is!

Oh God, we need to get him out of here.

Oh, hey guys! Come on in!

Oh, Curtis says hi.

He started coughing up blood halfway up the stairs so-,

What's that music?

Oh, there's a Chinese opium den below us. Try not to take deep breaths.

So what do you think?

Well, it might not look much-,

- But? - Nah, that's it.

It is a fixer-upper, but I really think it could be something.

Lick of paint, carpet, thicker windows to block out the racial slurs,

maybe some curtains.

Hey!

(loud kissing)

Hello?

Oh, sorry.

Erm, sweet baby mouth Nicola, this is Horace and my little sister Lauren.

'Allo!

Congratulations!

Merci!

Welcome to the family.

What d'you do for a living, Nicola?

Oh, this and that.

Sorry, did you say 'dicks and that'?

Are you guys gonna try for a baby straight away?

Oh, well, I suppose this house probably isn't the best place to-,

I love babies! We want at least six!

The pill's not been invented yet, so won't be long now.

We do have a sheath.

A sheath?

It's reusable, but Nicola doesn't like the faff.

You do know there's no cure for syphilis yet?

Oh, don't worry, I checked. Nicola was a virgin when we met.

A virgin?

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm the only man who's ever been inside of her.

That's so cute.

Erm, where's your toilet please?

You go toilet in a bucket now?

It's fine, it's actually a healthier position for evacuating.

You're not happy, I can see it in your eyes.

This might be our only chance. Come home, Nicholas!

Why don't you fix us a cocktail, angel ears?

Okay, honey lips.

Oh God, oh fuck, oh God. What the fuck am I doing here?

I only paid you to sleep with him!

I can't helps I'm irresistible.

You're not even French!

I'm whatever he wants, love.

Nice fellas like him don't grow on trees.

But you don't even love him!

I fucks him and I looks nice, what more d's he want?

Do you want me to tell him you're a prostitute? I'll do it!

Oh, d'you want me to tell him his sister paid a prostitute?

- Oh, you skank! - You skank!

Don't call me a skank, you skank!

Nope!

Eh, 'low it man.

Eh, put it down!

- Hey Curtis.

Wagwan?

I feel like she's ripped out my guts and shat on my heart, bruv.

Victoria?

I caught her in bed with another guy.

And a girl. And the girl's mum.

And she was like, 'Sorry,' and then gave me this keepsake.

What do I want with some picture that looks like a kid did it?

I wish I had a picture of Eleasha.

I get it now, bruv.

Why you were chasing me down, trying to kill me.

It's because it hurt you that I slept with your girl.

Wait.

So you did sleep with Eleasha?

Did I say sleep with? Nah, I meant slept next to her, bruv.

Bruv, I swear down I'm gonna kill you!

It's all kicking off up there-, Curtis!

I swear I didn't touch the man.

We're losing him.

G&Ts all round.

Yeah, yeah, sweet.

We were just bonding, she was showing me her-,

Feet. So pretty!

We were just having a girly talk and Nicola's worried

she might not have told you the truth about how you two came to-,

She's teasing!

Er, what's going on?

She-, I'm-,

Nothing.

We've gotta get back right now.

Curtis is dying!

Shit. Right. Well, this is it.

This is goodbye, Nick.

Good luck with your one-bed shack

and your virgin wife who I hope doesn't die in childbirth,

and your kids who I hope don't die of polio,

and yourself who I hope doesn't die from a prolapsed anus

while shitting to death on a bucket.

You can't die from shitting.

My uncle did.

What?

I nursed him to death. But don't worry, I'll nurse you too.

I'll hold your hand and sing to you

while I sluice your anus with a vinegar enema.

We gotta go!

Nick! Nicholas!

Look, baby nose, as much as I love our new life and our home,

I think you'd love my old home so much more.

I mean, that speech wasn't really for her.

She is my wife!

Er, there's free healthcare, basic sanitation, and racial equality laws.

There's fried chicken shops on every corner, Boris bikes, contactless.

Honey eyes, it's incredible!

Angel lips,

it sounds wonderful!

(laughter)

Ah, let's get out of this shithole!

My stolen stuff, it's been fucking stolen!

Let's go, people! Home time!

What's that?

It's that shit picture Pablo did of Victoria.

I don't even want it.

I'll have it.

Hey Homeless Pete!

Just in time, mate.

Thanks for this, for Nicola.

So you know?

Know what?

About her being a sex worker?

I meant you teaching me to be the new Nick.

Sorry, who's a sex worker?

So that's what you meant when you said you bought Nicola for Nick?

Duh!

Did my sister pay you to have sex with me?

I would have told you one day, I swear!

What happened to your sexy accent?

It comes and goes.

Argh!

[NICK] That was a waste of time.

[JASON] Don't worry mate, I probably would have slept with her anyway.

[NICK] Let's just go home.

Where's Homeless Pete?

[JASON] 21st century, here we come!

(lift bell rings)

Welcome... to Jurassic Park.

(dinosaur roars)

Arghh!