Original subtitles

(singing) If you try to tame her, you're in for a fight

Her bark can knock you, so can her bite

Sugar leaves and diamonds and pearls

Those are the things she likes

She's a cream cake of icing and swirls

She's a real doozy

Makes my heart go woozy

She is my golden girl

Woo!

Brothers and sisters!

Nothing warms my soul more heartedly

than to see us, the great great great grandchildren of former slaves,

sitting on the green hills of England with the granddaughter of a former slave owner,

eating caviar from an ice swan.

Amen. - Amen!

Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.

You okay in there?

Peachy.

Lauren hates the countryside.

Anything natural and wholesome creeps her out.

I don't like walking where animals shit. Is that so weird?

Don't worry darling, we've hunted almost everything to extinction.

Ahh. No one staring, no one throwing cabbages,

no one asking, 'Where you from?' and you saying, 'England,'

and them saying, 'No, but where are you really from?'

Never been more happy in my life.

It's a darling little pad, isn't it?

I almost forget we have it.

Come here, you.

(kissing)

I'm gonna hide. If you find me, I'll let you-,

Guys, me and Victoria, we're gonna go all the way.

What?

You mean you haven't-,

What was all that sex noise going on night and day?

Sex isn't just about penetration.

There's fingers, there's oral,

there's oral fingers-, - Oral fingers?

Look, I'm just saying sex is a full-body experience.

It's not just about putting it in.

But it is mainly about that, so I'm gonna put it in.

Coming, ready or not!

Make sure you use a sheath!

Ha-ha! Sheath!

You mean condom!

It's a condom!

Boo!

Baby, where are you?

Ha!

Aha!

Aha!

That looks boring.

Mm-hmm.

Oh my gosh, the print is tiny. You'll never finish it.

Let me help you.

She witnesses a murder, goes into witness protection

and ends up changing the fortunes of an inner city nun's choir.

That is Sister Act.

Buenos dias, hermano y hermanes!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to play

mystery murder?

'Who the heck murdered Camilla,

a role-play adventure by Horace Cunningham.'

These, my friends, are your characters for the game.

All will fall under suspicion, but only one of us can be the murderer!

(dramatic chord)

'Raul the Argentinian playboy, lingerie salesman

and heartbreaker with a heart of gold.'

At your service, Señorita.

I came to England to escape the mean streets of Buenos Aires

and grow my pantyhose business.

Soon I will stand accused,

but how could I murder any woman when I live only to love them?

Is any of this set outside?

- A bit. - Pass.

Yeah, I'm not too sure about these characters.

They seem a little bit two-dimensional.

One's based on you.

Horace, mate, if you're gonna do role-play games,

you've got to hot-seat these characters.

What makes them tick, what do they eat for breakfast?

It sounds absurd but that's how people win BAFTAs.

(cuckoo sounds)

Oh my gosh, that cuckoo clock's been going off all day.

It's driving me mental.

I'm no Bill Oddie, but I'd say that that was a real-life cuckoo.

What you on about?

Cuckoos are real. You know that, right?

Yeah.

Found you!

Jason, if she wasn't in here the last three times,

I'd go ahead and tick this room off your list.

Baby?

Lauren, oh my God!

Overreaction.

Look, you're gonna think I'm crazy but I swear I saw-,

Saw what?

(cuckoo sounds)

There it is again.

Did you know cuckoos were real?

I swear I'm gonna smash its little head in.

Alright, you cuckoo twat.

We can do this the easy way,

where you come down and let me bludgeon you to death,

or you can really take the piss by making me climb up.

Come on, Jason, think.

Where would a woman hide?

(coughing)

Baby? Is that you?

No, no, no!

Who did you think you saw?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Try me.

How did he get through the time machine?

Has he been here all along?

And why does he look like a tramp?

I don't know, I don't care, I'm just gonna run.

He's found you in a random house in another century.

Wherever you go, he'll be there.

You need to face your demons.

Curtis ain't no demon. He's a pound shop terminator.

Remember Dwaine Thomas? Remember how we bullied you for years?

What is this, Desert Island dicks?

You decided you had enough of the beatings,

the taking of your tuck shop money, the insults.

He stopped bullying you because stood up for yourself.

No, he stopped when he got paralysed from the waist down.

Exactly-, wait, what?

He was chasing me for my FIFA stickers and got hit by a car.

Oh yeah.

Alright, well, run like the wind.

Yeah, see you in London.

Remember me!

Argh!

What you saying?

Curtis! Hey mate.

You look... homeless.

Man's been in Paraguay, still.

Business? Pleasure?

Fuck camp.

Pleasure, then.

Where's your boy going?

To get a lottery ticket. Tonight's a rollover.

What you gonna do, hit a girl?

Argh!

I am absolutely not hiding a moment longer! Where is he?

Something's come up and Jason's had to go back to London.

Oh.

Well, I hope he's a strong swimmer.

Dunwick Manor becomes an island when the tide comes in.

Right, well, looks like I'm gonna have to save the day, again!

I'm just gonna wait for that moth to fuck off.

Shit, shit, shit!

(coughing)

(screaming)

(laughter)

Aagh! Aagh! I've been murdered!

See? I made it look like the murderer climbed in through the window.

Tell-tale fibres caught in the rug.

God, I'm good at this.

(choking)

Santa Maria della Misericordia!

Who would do this?

I hope it was not me!

Can we take this seriously, please?

We're presenting the evidence in twenty minutes so a bit of focus, yeah?

What are you doing? This rug is a priceless antique.

No it's not, I bought it last month.

No, it will be if you took better care of it, trust me.

It's my rug. I'll do what I like.

Fine, blow it.

In 90 years this place will probably be an Ikea anyway.

Death has been here tonight.

[CURTIS] Wha gwan, Jason?

Wha gwan, Curtis?

[CURTIS] Man's been looking for you for a minute though, still.

You should've called, man.

I know I don't have my mobile but you could've caught me on my landline.

[CURTIS] (laughter)

How d'you find me?

[CURTIS] Come now Jason, you know I'm a roadman.

[CURTIS] When I say I'm gonna find you, I'm going to find you though.

If this is about me and Eleasha, we didn't even do what you think we did,

but even if we did, maybe I can, like, pay you or something?

Bruv!

Bruv, just let me go, just let me go.

I promise you'll never see me again, bruv, please.

Let you go, just like that?

Blood, I've crossed oceans of time to find you.

Roadman etiquette!

Roadman etiquette says you can't stab a man in the back.

I don't wanna die, bruv!

I never got a chance to say goodbye to my mum, see one last sunset.

[CURTIS] (coughing) - Me and Victoria didn't even get to smash.

(thud)

Bruv?

Bruv?

Jason!

Jason!

Fucking bush, get off me!

Jason, where are you, you prick?

Holy shit!

He started coughing and then he passed out.

I was gonna help him but he was trying to kill me, so I thought fuck him.

But then I didn't want anyone else to help him, so I thought I'd-,

Cover him with leaves? Jason, that's insane.

I know. Help me get him up, then.

No, I mean insanely good luck.

It's like Dwaine Thomas again.

You've just gotta wish someone harm and poof!

So... Jason did good?

Nah, you should use wet leaves so they don't blow away

and weigh him down with a heavy log.

I would help but I don't wanna touch anything that might have slug jizz on it.

Oi oi, look lively! We don't have much time.

Sorry bruv, I never got to know you.

Argh!

That nutjob chased you through time with a blade.

Now grow a pair and get your shit together, d'ya hear me?

- Yes, alright, you're hurting me man! - D'you hear me?

Yes, jeez. Argh!

Why would you put a handprint here?

Oh, I didn't.

No, no, it's really good. Really real.

No, but I didn't.

Hey guys!

Hey Lauren.

I thought you weren't playing?

'Course I'm playing.

I'm pumped about playing!

Us all playing together, in the distant past.

It's a great, fun, normal thing to do.

Oh, here's your character synopsis.

'Penelope Gout, the beekeeping spinster.

Barren, bitter and boring,

though strangely popular with children and foxes.'

Let me guess, you wrote this part for me?

I added the bit about the foxes.

Great!

Love it.

Classic Horace.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

You're smiling.

Have you been outside?

You know what I'm like with all that nature and shit.

No thanks.

That's a Twiglet.

Yum. Awkward.

Victoria!

Oh my God!

Curtis killed my baby!

(laughter)

Fooled you!

- Who's Curtis? - Baby!

I thought you were swimming to London?

What? No.

Look, I did a bad thing and I'm not supposed to say anything

but I think he might be dead and-,

Did you beat him with your truncheon?

What?

Did you tussle in the mud,

Detective Chocolate and the killer locked in a deadly embrace,

thigh slipping against sweating thigh?

No, he just coughed and fell over.

Take me! I'm ready.

- Sorry. - What is it?

Nah, it's nothing, it's fine, it's fine.

- I just need a minute, I'm sorry. - Okay.

Come on, Jason, focus.

You got this bruv, yeah, you got this.

Gaahh! Yes, let's go!

(laughter)

Darling, whatever is the matter?

Shit! I can't do this. I'm sorry.

It's not you, it's me.

- I can't do it, I'm sorry babes. - How mortifying for you.

It's just, I keep seeing this man's face.

Oh, I see.

Would it help if I wore a beard and spoke

(deeper voice) like this?

This don't feel good.

Probably cos it's made out of horse pubes. Just take it off.

Not my moustache! Curtis.

Are we really just gonna leave him to die?

It's fine.

It's like one of those nature documentaries.

If Attenborough sees a dying elephant, he doesn't intervene,

he just lets nature take its course.

How are you so cool about this?

Because what's done is done, Jase.

I don't live in the past.

I mean, I do, literally, but you get my point.

Who's ever gonna find out?

(gong)

There has been a murder!

It was me!

In the game, you idiot!

I, Detective Wolton of Scotland Yard, shall identify the culprit.

What accent is that?

Scottish.

A young life has been cruelly snuffed out.

Ah!

And it is my intention to find that snuffer.

Was it you, fiery Latino playboy Raul?

Or was it you, bitter bee-botherer Penelope Gout?

Or was it you? - I swear, I barely touched him.

- Say what? - He just fell over. Lauren, tell him.

Please, my friend, no need to take the rap.

Perhaps it was I.

I killed for love, and for love I must hang.

Sorry, why is everyone confessing? We've just started the game.

Yeah, why don't you shut up?

The point is, one of us is responsible for a heinous crime

the likes of which has never been seen before!

Oh my God! Is this-,

This is fucking twisted! Was this you?

No. Well, maybe.

That's what we're here to find out.

If you knew, why didn't you just say instead of fucking with my mind

on your moral high horse?

Are you okay? Is this acting?

Yeah, he's just getting into character.

- He knows. - Knows what?

Don't play dumb.

Alright Jason, this is too real.

Just give him a moment.

Not that I'm taking credit, but that's the kinda magic that happens

when you give your character a back story.

I can't live like this.

I've gotta help him, even if it means certain death.

What if he doesn't kill you?

What if he cuts off your dick?

How you gonna live without the only thing you care about?

My dick ain't my friend no more, anyway.

Get out my way!

Don't throw your dick away for some psycho badman.

Okay, if you don't want me to know something

could you at least make an effort not discuss it right outside the room I'm in?

Hold on, as in Curtis, big knife Curtis, 'I will find you' Curtis?

How did he even-, - We've done the hows and whys. Move on!

The guy's a psycho and we're better off with him-,

Gone?

Nah, he was here! Curtis was right here!

You weighed him down with a log like I said, right?

Why did you not weigh him down like I said?

Wait, so you were involved in this?

It was all her idea, bruv!

It was my idea to sex his fiancée?

Look, I can't help who I fall in love with!

Look, it's fine, alright?

It was probably foxes that took him, or one of those spiky fuckers.

A hedgehog?

Judging from the trail of blood and the disturbance on the forest floor,

this man was alive when he dragged himself out of the shallow grave

and towards the casa!

Oh shit, he's alive!

Well, good luck sorting out this shit-storm you two have cooked up.

What, so you're just gonna leave?

It's your beef, you deal with it.

If you need me, I'll be on the parterre

eating kippers and picking bluebells like a Jane fucking Austen fantasy.

What makes you think he won't get us all?

(woman screaming)

My baby!

Guys?

Do we really need to?

It's just, if he's already killed her, there's not much we can do.

Seriously?

We could wait 'til he goes away.

Nah, there's only one thing we can do.

I don't want to hear this.

We have to kill him.

Well, this is desperate, but Horace, any ideas?

Group suicide.

Jesus Christ.

I'm looking at a whole cabinet of shotguns.

Surely 'talk to him' is our first option. Surely.

No, I'm with Lauren.

Yeah, we can make it look like a hunting accident.

Say we thought it was a deer.

A six-foot black guy in a puffer?

A tall deer.

On its hind legs, in a puffer.

A puffer deer.

Look, it's been a long day, yeah? I don't see you brainstorming.

Brainstorming, is that what this is?

Oh, shall we do another fifteen minutes, then break for lunch?

I have hunted the wild cougars of Patagonia.

Let me be the one to fire the gun.

Oh my God, no one is shooting guns at anyone.

Except maybe whoever took this gun out the cabinet.

Why would he be in a cigar box?

Why would he not be, is my response to that.

Dios mio, a clue!

Alright, we're gonna need to split up.

Jason, you're with me. Horace, you're-,

Shit, where's Horace?

He only answers to Raul now.

(gunshot)

Raul!

Horace, thank God!

Hello darlings!

Sorry for that screaming earlier, I simply could not bear that sound any longer.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! What a horror.

You killed him? Sweet!

Baby, I thought you were dead.

Bless you, my sweet coffee liqueur.

I'm quite well.

Alas, your raggedy friend is rather less so.

I wouldn't get too close, darling!

He's riddled with tuberculosis.

I rather think he might die.

Ah, thank God. See, he was gonna die anyways.

You still left a man outside to die.

- Oh, that's more like it! - Well, would you look at that?

[VICTORIA] Oh, take me to prison!

Sweet, sweet bird.

Sorry man, I thought this was what I wanted.

What's become of us?

(birds calling)

Eugh, gross, man! Its fucking guts have gone on my hand!

[VICTORIA] Oh yes, Detective Chocolate!

I don't wanna die.

Hush, hermano mio, Raul is with you now.

He will soothe your bubbly lungs and hold your hand as death comes,

which it must, for there is no cure in this age for tuberculosis.

Got it!

So Lady Camilla found the letter revealing Raul's true identity,

so he killed her, obviously.

No, no, no. I am innocente!

It was me. Some shit about stolen honey or something.

[VICTORIA] In, now out!

[JASON] Guys, I put it all the way in!

I hate this place.