Original subtitles

(singing) We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to him

And I go back to

black

Thank you, thank you. Too kind.

You know, people say a jazz band is a lot like an enamel stove polish.

It's strong, it's tough, and it's black.

Black Bear Enamel stove polish, outshines 'em all.

(cymbal hit)

Before we leave you with one last song, please give it up for my incredible band.

We have the Sinatra of the Sax, Mr Jason Sturridge.

The Barack of the Bone, Mr Horace Cunningham.

The Titchmarsh of the Trumpet, Mr Nick Wolton.

And finally, could the owner of a green Daimler please move their vehicle?

They're blocking the only entrance to the hospital.

- What? - Here's Shimmy Shimmy Ya by the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

You dicks!

Or not.

You make me play behind a curtain, you don't bother introducing me.

No women allowed, alright?

Do you know what I had to do just to get the manager to let you onstage?

So wait, these guys choose not to have any girlies in here?

Yes.

Why?

'Cause men are bullshit.

Cool, well, if you could pop your balanced views on gender politics to one side

and remember it's a paid gig.

Really? Well, as there's money involved, I'll let it go.

But tomorrow night, you introduce me.

Twenty shillings. How much is that in real money?

Twenty? I only got ten.

I'll open it later-,

Look, it's the 1920s, alright? Women get half pay.

I guess that does make sense, as women are half the size of men.

And you're all just cool with this?

We're stuck in the '20s.

It's no good railing against the system, Lauren, alright?

It's a machine and you're just a cog, I'm just a cog.

You're a massive cog.

Thank you, m'boy.

Look, we're a team, so let's just bask in the reflected glory of our collective efforts.

Why don't you bask in your arse?

Fuck this gig, and this club, and the 1920s.

Don't worry, Lauren.

When I have my brilliant business idea and become a millionaire,

you're coming in on it with me, 50/50.

Great. Meanwhile, I'll get through this backward era by getting off my face.

Er-,

Men only, remember?

So where we going?

We?

Um, we've got penises.

Bye.

Are you seriously leaving me?

You dicks!

You dicks with dicks!

'Scuse me miss?

I hope you don't mind me saying but you was wonderful tonight.

I snuck a peek behind the curtain.

Did the sight of a woman near a drum make your cock spin off in fury?

No, miss.

See, I'm a lady too. May I?

Thanks.

Rose.

I just wanted to say you're h-amazing.

I ain't never heard jazz before.

It was magical, colourful, vibrant,

how the music gets all in your bones an' that.

Right, well, good luck with your life and that.

I drawed you a picture.

You can keep it.

I drawed one of you naked but I think I'll hang onto that one.

Perhaps I'll come back tomorrow. I'll bring friends!

You do that. All none of them.

Bye, Lauren, bye!

Bye!

Bye!

You go back to him and I go back to

black

Thank you, thank you!

A lot of people say that a jazz band is like an enamel stove polish.

You know what, I'm not doing that, I'm not.

We're gonna leave you with one last song.

Who's on drums?

We're not taking requests.

Tell us who's on drums!

Yeah, who's on drums?

Here's an oldie to us.

I know who's on drums!

It's Lauren on drums and she's a girl!

Lauren! Lauren! Lauren!

No, no. No girls here.

Thank you, Lauren-ce!

Thank you, Laurence!

Lauren! Lauren! Lauren!

(cheering)

Woo!

You were incredible!

So tiny yet so powerful, like a virus or a full stop.

Don't you think, Nick?

Yeah, I mean, we probably won't be asked back to the club

and you'll have to turn tricks to make ends meet,

but as long as Lauren's happy.

It's my duty as a woman to show my sisters the way.

I don't wanna say I'm Emmeline Pankhurst but, guys,

I'm Emmeline fucking Pankhurst.

Girls, please, give me five minutes and I'm all yours. Just gonna get changed.

Best news ever! The manager has lifted the she-ban.

Girls in the house, nuff gyal inna de house!

You're welcome.

That is good news.

A toast to us guys, for giving Lauren the opportunity to fight the powers from within.

To us guys!

Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.

Eyes.

Jazz pipes, jazz hats, jazz slippers.

This market is gonna be huge, so you should tap into it straight away.

Jazz chairs, jazz flasks, jazz envelopes.

So things with the word jazz at the front of it?

Yes, sir.

Right, what are your financial projections?

To project upwards.

I'm out.

(telephone rings)

That's for me.

Hello, Mayfair 731, or some shit like that?

Oh, hello darling.

Isn't it strange how being in a band is so attractive to women?

I guess as band leader you must get loads of offers.

[JASON] Tonight? For you, I can always make room.

Loads.

I'm sorry to bother you, only I was at the club

and I heard the most terrific news and I couldn't keep it to meself!

Cripes, you won't believe it.

I didn't, I been pinching meself all the way over here.

If only I could catch me breath!

Who is this woman and why is she always here?

She works for me now.

And you pay her the full going rate, do you?

She does it for love.

You wouldn't understand because nobody likes you.

The Melody Maker newspaper wants to do an h-interview with you!

Now we're cooking with gas! When do they want us?

Oh god, no, they don't want the band, just Miss Lauren.

They wanna do a h-exposé.

Who is the wild woman on the drums?

Where did she learn to play like the devil hisself?

What's her favourite meal?

Lauren, Sunday school, Ricicles. So that's that done.

Ha, ha!

Who cares if they think I'm the best thing about the band?

We're a team, right?

So let's bask in the reflected glory of our collective efforts.

To us. Wu-Tang forever!

Wu-Tang forever.

Wu-Tang forever!

Jesus Christ, it's already gone to her head.

Bruv, who cares?

Our gigs are selling out. Let her have her moment in the sun.

No, I know Lauren. There is no moment in the sun.

She'll have all the sun and make sure it shines out of her arse only.

[LAUREN] Oi Rose, my backne ain't gonna pop themselves!

It became clear I had a gift when I tipped over my potty and started beating out a perfect 2-3 clave.

Mum was so proud, she didn't even care there was shit all over the floor.

Quote-unquote Lauren Wolton, jazz queen, 1926.

Right, so I figured, nobody wants jazz slippers because nobody wants jazz.

They want us.

And then I thought, action figures. Dolls!

I couldn't afford to make them from scratch,

but Hamleys said they'd adapt the dolls they already had.

May I present, the Wu-Tang Clan.

I'll have a word with my supplier.

Did you read Miss Lauren's h-interview, Mr Horace?

Yes, I did. I loved the bit where you say you wrote Bad and Boujee.

Do read us more, Miss.

This is a good bit.

I can use my new status to educate men, make them understand the basics of female emancipation,

starting with my brother who is a dick.

Do you ever, you know, worry Mr Nick might-,

I dunno, I don't wanna speak out of turn.

But might he, like, want you out the band?

Why would he?

I just thought, what with him saying you're full of yerself and ought to be given the heave-ho-,

He said that?

It's just talk, ain't it? He wouldn't.

Would he?

Oh, don't listen to me and my big flappin' gob!

Dad says it's a wonder all the shit I talk don't dribble down me lungs and choke me half to death!

(laughter)

I didn't call a rehearsal.

Alright?

Who's this guy?

This is Hubert.

Hubert plays the trumpet, don't you, Hubert?

Okay.

Does someone wanna tell me what's going on?

I heard what you've been going around saying about me.

I didn't say anything.

Hold on, are you replacing me?

It's my band!

I'm sorry, big bro, but we had a band meeting and, well, this is awkward.

I'm the captain now.

So what? You're just gonna replace me with photonegative me?

It's no good railing against the system, bruv.

It's way bigger than us. It's a machine.

Yeah, I get it.

I'm just a massive cog.

Bye.

Miss! I was just dusting 'em.

I get it.

You just wanna smell where I've been, be how I am, touch what I've touched.

It's to be expected.

Is it very hard to play?

Give it a go.

I won't judge. Much.

Mine!

Sorry!

My dad was right when he said I ought to have been drowned in a toilet at birth.

I need you to go through my fan mail for me.

I've got better things to do than read about how much people love me.

Jesus, Rose, you know I can't stand the sound of paper being torn.

Take it outside!

Yes miss. Sorry miss.

Ridiculous!

What you need to do is let him know

that you're a strong white independent woman that don't need no man.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Nick. How d'you like my braid bar?

I'm starting it off as a pop-up, but I eventually plan on

franchising and becoming the new Nicky Clarke.

Before the actual Nicky Clarke.

- Did she make you do this? - Lauren? Nah.

But she does own her image rights so I have to give her 95% of my profits.

Turn your head, gyal.

Betty with the good hair.

Alright bruv.

Quick word?

I have no secrets from my friends.

Oh cool, so they know this is your girlfriend's house

and that you're cheating on her while she's away at her aunt's?

Shh, don't kill the vibe bruv!

I see Lauren has you in one of her vests as well?

I like it.

Normally when you tell a girl how incredible you look under the black tie,

they gotta take a leap of faith.

But with this, they can literally see the gun show.

Sorry about all of this bruv, it's nothing personal.

Lauren's just got what it takes.

Don't worry about it.

What, ain't you angry?

You're not gonna kick off at me, go all frothy at the mouth?

You don't even know the monster you've unleashed.

Bruv, I beg you, don't mess this up for us, yeah?

Some of us are having a really good time.

A really good time.

(laughter)

I made your favourite, Mr Jason.

You've got something on your mouth.

Oh no, it's just a dab o' rouge.

I thought-, I wanted to make myself pretty for ya.

Oh, right.

You're a bit young for me.

Maybe you should save yourself for a nice guy your own age.

I'm 35.

Is it?

Nah, still, shouldn't you be shaving Lauren's armpits or peeling her a grape or something?

Why are you ripping Jason's head off?

Oh, Miss!

Did he try it on with you?

Oh no, don't take it personally, it's just 'cos you're vaguely female.

No shade.

Miss?

No, no, I can't.

You've already been cruelly betrayed by your brother.

Only, I was pressing Mr Jason's jacket and I found-

No, I can't say.

Show me.

His Royal Highness Prince George will be in attendance tonight at the Carrington Club.

The actual royal prince!

I mean, I hate the Royal Family, they're parasites, but the Royal Family? Tonight?

I know! Isn't it astoundin'?

(screaming)

But why would mister Jason hide the h-invite?

Unless-, he did say he could put me in the band

and I said that was for you to decide

and he said you didn't matter no more than the shit on his shitty shoe.

Jason said that?

P'raps he was just pullin' me leg.

Best press your vest for tonight, Miss.

Really nice, everyone.

Now I know the thought of Beyoncé having sex with Jay-Z in their kitchen is disgusting

but please remember Drunk in Love is a sensuous song.

I just can't believe we're performing for Prince!

A prince.

Oh.

Right, before we go from the top, Jason, you were a little off on the second verse.

If I could just hear when you come in?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Ooh, a little off.

And again. Five, six, seven, eight.

It's not-

It's cool.

And again.

Are you listening?

Yeah.

And again.

Why do you think I threw a stuffed badger at you?

I said, why do you think I threw a badger at you?

I don't-, I don't know.

Were you rushing or were you dragging?

Erm-,

Don't look at Horace, look at me.

Were you rushing or were you dragging?

I don't-,

Were you rushing or were you dragging?!

I can't help but feel this is from something.

We are playing for Prince George.

Chances are, when he sees me, he's gonna fall hard, and in total love with me,

but those chances are seriously reduced if you go out there and play like a turd!

Don't let her see you cry, J-wizzle.

Look, Lauren, I'm sorry about earlier.

I know I gotta get my, shit together and-

Who's that?

Oh, this is Chester.

Chester plays for the Philharmonic, how cool is that?

Wait, is that my-,

Am I out?

Don't make me the bad person here Jason, don't you dare.

But the band, the vests, the girls-,

What did I do?

I'm doing this for us, mate, yeah?

This is why we were sent to the past.

I'm gonna make history.

I'm gonna be the first black Queen of England

and I can't let you fuck that up for me!

Girls? Come on!

We didn't even get to take a bath together.

[NICK] And so the monster grows.

What is this?

What is this shit on my head?

Why are you trying to undermine me on the most important night of my life?

It's how you always have it.

I love you, Horace, but this is shit

and you are shit, and you will never amount to shit, okay?

Right. It's always good to get feedback.

Why are you always so nice? No one's this nice.

My dad says people are only nice when they're after something,

but what does he know?

He's banged up for stoving his brother's head in with a brick by accident.

You are so right. You're the only one I can trust.

Okay, so this is how we take her down.

I've been writing my autobiography.

Well, it's actually quite cool.

It's like a loose collection of vignettes, anecdotes, doodles.

Get to the point.

It also reveals the real Lauren.

Now if we can somehow photocopy and distribute these chapters outside the gig-,

Yeah, I'll just nip to Rymans.

Look, if you wanna beat Lauren, you gotta think like Lauren.

She wouldn't piss about, she'd hurt you physically.

That's why I say we break her hands.

We're not breaking her hands.

I don't think you understand.

If we break her hands, she can't play.

No, no, no. I get the physics, Jason.

I'm just not comfortable breaking my little sister's hands.

Okay, we'll rock, paper, scissors for it. One. - Why are you counting?

- Two. - I'm not playing.

Three!

Oh well, I've got that, so-,

I'm still breaking her hands.

Jason!

Hey guys. Ooh, what you making?

Are you making me a tree house?

Why aren't you at the club?

Oh, I'm out.

See, she deserves to die!

I mean, suffer a slightly life-changing injury.

No, wait, we've got a bargaining chip.

There's no way she's gonna replace Horace now,

which means to take him back, she'll have to take us all back.

She already lined someone up because she knew I'd betray her, so-,

Fuck hands, go for kneecaps. We'll hold her down.

Jason, don't go too Kathy Bates in Misery, but that doesn't mean to hold back, alright?

(doorbell rings)

Telegram for Nicholas Wolton.

That's me.

I hate life. Stop. I am going away forever. Stop.

Do not try to stop me. Stop. Lauren.

Lauren? Hello?

Lauren!

Whoa. Lauren was gonna play the Albert Hall.

That's, like, two million people.

The pressure must've got to her.

She's cracked and paid the ultimate price of fame.

(banging) - What's that?

Should we open it?

Er, best not. It's not our property.

I'm gonna open it.

Why have you still got a hammer?

Just because your sister's suicidal, does not mean I changed my mind about breaking her hands.

Gentlemen.

[ANNOUNCER] And now taking the stage for your edification, London's newest jazz sensation.

[ROSE] Gawd bless you, ladies and gents, we are the Wu-Tang Clan!

The Wu-Tang Clan wowed the Prince with hits such as Fu-Gee-La, Gangsta's Paradise and I've Got Five On It.

His Royal Highness was later seen bestowing very personal favours

on extraordinary chanteuse-cum-drumeuse Rose Bickerton.

Do we dare speculate that this glottal-stopping cockney guttersnipe

might become the first commoner Duchess of Kent?

Bitch.

Albert Hall, Palladium, Winter Gardens.

None of them places would take us.

Nothing sells black music like white people.

We've still got my braid bar business to fall back on.

We are going home, Horace.

Home, the future, where your shift at Halfords awaits.

You know what, even if no one remembers how I nearly changed the world,

at least they'll remember I changed the 'men only' rule in this place.

About that-,

Wow, thank you. Too kind.

You know, a lot of people say a jazz band is a lot like a Gamble and Smith male purse.

Reliable, well put-together, and also available in black.

(cymbal hit)

You dicks. You dicks with dicks!