Original subtitles

So this is the time machine.

This is Curtis.

I'm guessing Jason slept with your girlfriend?

(screaming)

People like us never get to time travel.

Hello 1920s London!

(lift bell rings)

Hey, Homeless Pete! Hold the doors!

What? No, no, no, no, no!

What the-,

Gah!

- Nick!

- Nick!

Ah!

Hello!

Hello!

(screaming)

It was horrible.

I was trapped in the 1920s and it was all white people and I couldn't get home-,

Okay, I'm awake.

Oh.

It felt so real.

Erm, probably cos it is.

It's like we woke up in a black and white film, but in colour, and not a film.

Oh right!

But the bit about the time machine being out of service and us being stuck here,

that was part of the dream though, right?

Right guys?

What the fuu-!

How long were you planning on stopping, dear?

Til I find Jason, innit.

And this Mr Innit, he's the cove what's been making eyes at your sweetheart?

Fiancée.

And it's more than eyes. Man's been piecing her.

What a pickle.

I s'pose you'll wanna get on and find the blighter?

Man's about to start a mad ting.

Tongue and jelly sandwich before you start your mad ting?

Safe, run dat.

Afternoon to ya, Mrs Fanbrick.

Here you are little man.

- Thanks, Mr Cunningham! - No worries, you little scamp.

Mr McCutcheon, new shoes? Nice!

- Get out of here, you stinking foreigner!

Oh, your aim's a little off today, Mr Hornsby.

Oh, and how are you on this fine day, Mrs Cuttling?

Keep England English!

Ooh, spit polish. Nice!

Same time tomorrow, eh?

(singing) L is for lovely, my lady love, you,

A is for always, my love to be true.

Ralph, mate, shut the fuck up, yeah?

Good afternoon all.

Hey Horace. You good?

So good! You?

Horace, mate, I'm the best. Look at this place!

We are The Lords of London!

I'm not even hot! It's just cos I can!

Oh, I do think we should offer Ralph and Victoria some money though,

chip in with the rent and that?

Nah, we'll just get them some Celebrations when we leave.

Ohh, tiny Bounty.

Plus, some of us are paying enough of a price already for living here.

How can a woman be so divine?

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.

(beeping)

I'm a cash machine. - Ah!

Read it and weep, ten English pounds.

Stacks more where that came from.

Five English pounds.

What?

That's a fiver.

But it's twice the size of one of ours.

Yeah, cos that's how money works.

No biggie, but you should learn to read some time. It can come in handy.

I don't need to read. I'm beautiful.

Yes, you are. Eye-blindingly, leg-wobblingly, tongue-fizzingly-,

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Please don't tell me that's how you earned this.

So this guy comes up to me, takes one look at this,

and makes me the star of a new campaign for a huge brand.

It's a household name. Now I've said too much.

I've never met a model before. You seem so down to earth, it's very nice.

Grab your coats, dinner at the Ritz on me!

Will £5 buy us all dinner?

No! I'll pay.

Sweet.

Stay.

Hey you.

So if Brian Cox is correct, then x equals-,

You alright, buddy?

Good.

Good, just doing some calculations.

Great, great.

So three plus five is eight-,

We're off to the Ritz, if you fancy it?

No, I've almost cracked it.

Right, okay.

Well, we're just gonna get our coats.

Okay, so obviously E equals MC squared.

He's alright, right?

And if two become one then surely-,

Shit!

Fuck the laws of physics!

Is there anything more fun-crushing than the sound of a grown man crying?

(smashing)

Ralph darling, what was the name of the doctor mummy used

when she went all wobbly after papa died in bed on a Chinese acrobat?

Doctor Braithwaite.

Mummy couldn't stop smiling after she saw him.

You know how skeletons look like they're smiling?

[NICK] Einstein, you prick!

So, Mr Wolton, what seems to be the problem?

Listen pal, my friends made me come, but to be honest

some 1920s shrink isn't gonna help me with my problem.

So just skip to the end and tell me I wanna have sex with my mum, kill my dad.

I'll break down and reach closure, you get paid way too much.

You're familiar with psychotherapy?

Freud, Jung, Klein, Loose Women.

Look, unless you're gonna pull a time machine out of your arse, I think I'm gonna go.

No please, I do apologise.

It's exceedingly rare to come across a gentleman of your hue with such intellectual capacity.

Little bit racist.

But I am curious to see where this compliment is heading, please go on.

May I?

Yes, physically you seem athletic.

Thank you.

If you don't mind?

Sorry, what has this got to do with my apparent depression?

Depression? No, merely malingering.

It's a common trait amongst the extremely gifted who do not make use of their gifts.

Please.

Gifted, me? No.

No, yeah-, yeah, I guess I am a bit of a genius.

Here's what I propose.

A spell at my Wellness Institute in the Surrey Hills.

Fresh air, spa therapy and spiritual nourishment.

I don't know, it sounds a bit 'Jesus and friends'.

Please, Mr Wolton, I insist.

I can make you feel extraordinary.

Extraordinary?

Wait here, dear.

I need to give Mrs O'Leary her sponge bath.

Safe.

Gimme that, bro.

I forgot the soap!

All them bright young people drinking champernane and chompin' chockockerlates.

Now that's a mad ting if ever I saw one.

Oh yeah, feel that energy.

Right, yeah, that's you. The camera is yours.

Oh yeah, nice. Oh, that's naughty.

Now look here, Lauren.

I have something that I want to say.

Well, more of a question to ask.

Hey, Ralph!

Mate, listen, I said I'd hang out with Horace today

and he was like, 'Sure, as long as Ralph's not there.'

You know what Horace can be like, so cruel sometimes.

Okay, bye, bye, bye!

(whispering) I love you.

Yeah, nice.

Okay, gimme a little less 'lost' and a little bit more 'found'.

Boom.

Horace, have you ever had someone too into you?

Like they're one step away from wearing your skin as a coat?

You're talking about Ralph, innit?

I woke up last night and he was this close to my face

holding up a jar, saying he wanted to capture my breaths.

Aw, that's so romantic.

Right, Jase, let's call it a day, yeah?

I've got to motor off down to Surrey and drop off all of Nick's stuff.

All of Nick's stuff?

Oh, can I come?

Yeah, we can get some shots of me out and about.

Me straddling a wild horse, bare-chested, riding through a meadow.

Yeah, I don't really wanna see Jason dry-humping a pony,

but maybe I should come, check in on my brother.

Mm-hmm, get away from Ralph?

I'm gonna have to have words, aren't I?

Yeah, what sort of words?

Get, fucked, creepy, stalker, freak.

You didn't hear any of those words, did you?

No.

Ah good! Alright, see ya later.

What are you smiling about?

Road trip!

(yelling)

It's been weird not having Nick around for a whole week.

Yeah, I'd almost forgotten what fun felt like.

What the f-!

Hey guys!

How you doing, Mr Miyagi?

Oh what, this? Yeah, we all have to wear one.

God, it is so great to see you guys.

Horace, my rock.

Lauren, you beautiful soul.

Jason, so handsome.

You look well.

We feel great.

We?

Did you bring all my belongings? Great.

Bye guys.

Wait, hang on!

We're not gonna hang out? You're not gonna show us around?

Er, no.

Well, I need to take a piss, so-,

What, are you gonna deny me a piss?

No.

Yes, no, of course.

Don't talk to anybody.

Please, come.

What a great space.

We are very happy here.

Who is this bellend?

He thinks he's Jesus.

Not Jesus, but he is quite special.

Bruv, there's a lot of fit people here.

We do follow a rigorous exercise regimen.

Nah, I meant hot, peng, buff, choong, boom ting.

Sexy.

Oh, yes. Well, I guess we are.

Yo, babylove!

Let's get you that piss, shall we?

Don't be long, I'll wait right outside the door.

Oh, quick one for the gram.

Yo!

Well, well, well.

Who do we have here?

Horace.

Alright?

Goodbye, my love.

I will carry an image of your face in my heart forever.

Plus I have some pictures I took of you when you weren't looking.

Oh, Lauren.

All the best, Ralph.

Aah!

Eh, what's good fam?

Where can I find this dickhead?

You have a very robust cranium.

Yeah, my nan used to say that.

It's a passion of mine, racial stereotyping.

Oh, we've got that where I'm from too, but it's kinda frowned upon.

People are so narrow-minded.

Sadly your skull is misshapen, else I'd invite you to join our breeding programme.

Your inner warmth is a precious human quality.

Thanks.

You seem... nice too.

I did experiment with extracting the actual tissue that determines character.

Over 40 kilos of monkey brain later, alas, no breakthrough.

Do you like them? You must have one.

I have no further need for them.

We shall be supping on many a monkey in Paraguay.

Erm-,

It's snack time, excuse us.

Can you make sure Horace leaves with you?

Oh!

Okay, never do that again.

We're off in a couple of hours so good life to you, sis.

And if you're ever in Paraguay, do come and visit.

Then again, I doubt you'll be allowed into the colony, so-,

What are you on about, Paraguay?

Oh, I thought I'd mentioned it.

I signed up for Dr Braithwaite's eugenics breeding programme.

What?

Eugene has selected me to join a group of physically and intellectually perfect human beings

who will cross-reproduce to create a new race of superhumans.

Are you sure I didn't mention it?

No, you didn't fucking mention it.

Ah, well, goodbye.

Tell our mother she is loved.

What a lot of people don't understand is there's a lot more to modelling

than just standing around looking good.

Sometimes you gotta sit down looking good, walk in a straight line looking good.

Excuse us.

- Did I tell you I'm a model? - Yes.

Wait.

What just happened?

Nick thinks he's got a one-way ticket to a Latin fuck farm.

What?

He's gotta go shag a load of genetically-perfect women in Paraguay.

What, Nick? Are you serious?

Yeah. You gonna help me get him out of here or what?

Yeah, okay, okay.

You wait here, I'm gonna have a word with that doctor guy.

Namaste.

(knocking)

Hi. Jason.

Model.

Erm-,

You don't have to say anything, I know what you're thinking.

'I've gotta take that guy to Paraguay!'

I see.

No, I have no further need for Afrotic males, thank you.

We have Nicholas, African physique with Eurasian level of intelligence.

Yeah, but did I mention I'm a model?

If you need a breeder-,

If you'll excuse me, I do have work to do.

Okay, you just need to see this.

No, no, no, that won't be necessary!

Here it is.

Tell me this ain't the body of a superman!

No, please, just cover yourself.

Come on man, look at it!

Look at it, bruv!

Look at it.

Yes, that is really very impressive.

Perhaps for a future programme, I might consider it.

Just write your name here.

Do you need my last name as well?

I'll be in touch.

Come on, Jason. Where are you, man?

(music plays)

Hey, Hey Nick?

Nick, hello? What you doing?

Where you going? You wankers!

Nick!

There's a fire!

There's a rape!

There's a fire rape!

Nick!

Who is special?

You are special.

You are special!

We are special.

You are chosen.

You came to me, spat out by life, the phlegm of society.

But I saw you for what you are.

Hildegard, step out.

You are special. I believe in you.

[LAUREN] First Hannah Montana and now this.

You are special.

We are special.

Nick! Look at me!

You don't belong here.

You belong in 2017, in mum and dad's small semi in South London

where you share a room with me, your sister.

I love you and I would be the first to tell you if you were special or super, but you're not.

You're Nicholas Eloise Woton, who got a D in maths and an E when you resat it.

You're nothing special, but listen, that's fine.

Look at me. It is okay that you are nothing special.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, what am I doing here?

Good, now let's get out of here!

Paraguay, seriously? Do you know how big the spiders are over there?

Which way?

Er, that way to the seminal fluid pumping parlour, so that means-,

Come on!

Gonna give me a hand or what?

Nick!

Don't be stupid.

You set that off, you'll never see mum or dad or Horace or Jason or me again.

Idiot. I shouldn't've said me.

Thing is, I've never been so happy.

And Eugene is like a father to me. A brilliant, white father and-,

[EUGENE] Lock up the women and post a man on each exit.

Man, this guy's weird.

It's okay, Lauren.

Steady, men.

I am ready.

I am going to fertilise a bevy of sexy women

and from my loins will spring a better humanity.

Let your brother go.

Over my dead body!

If you so insist, you subhuman fool!

Remove her!

(yelling)

[GUARD] Ow!

Hey guys!

Horace!

Eugene!

Wow, Nick's really bought into Dr. B's breeding plan.

Eugene! Eugene!

Listen to me, Nicholas.

Never forget. You are extraordinary.

Eugene! Eugene!

Papa!

Papa!

Farewell, my African son.

No, this was my destiny!

I must spread my seed!

I just wanted to be special.

Me too, bruv, me too.

Oi, you man.

I'm looking for someone.

Indeed?

Well, I was looking for you!

Tall, athletic.

And I see you're a reading man.

Perfect.

(playing trumpet)

Good morning, my favourite house guests.

Are you being looked after?

Yes, it's a lovely spread.

Are you being looked after?

Oh!

(laughter) Yes, naughty!

Darling, who did you say you were modelling for?

Erm, Bovril.

I thought it was you!

Oh, isn't that charming?

I mean, it's a shame they made you wear those silly gloves,

but I'd recognise those fingers anywhere.

Wow, Jase, are those really your hands?

Can I get your autograph?

The way you hold the jar, telling a story just with your hands.

I knew you were good, but I didn't know you were this good.

Oh, by the way, has anybody said anything to upset Ralph?

Only he's run off to Algeria to join the French Foreign Legion.

I shall miss him dreadfully.

Oh, look! That dog has wheels for back legs. How killing!

- Where? - There!

Go boy, go! There.

Oh no, he's going downhill.

It's like a half dog, half automobile!

Ah, there he is.

Welcome to paradise, special one.

Set to it, ladies, no time to lose.

Let the breeding begin!

No, what's going on?

Bruv? I've got a fiancée!

Eh, Eleasha! Eleasha!