Original subtitles

Jazz is dead, bruv. No one wants a brass band.

Jazz quartet.

What do you know? You can't even turn up to rehearsals on time.

Er, I was helping my grandmother. She had a fall.

You do know we performed at both of your grandmothers' funerals?

Yeah, and we also had walkouts. At a funeral.

Oi, Whiplash, talk to your brother please.

We could replace him.

I know a sick trumpet player and he can get us some paid gigs.

He just got out of prison but he's really nice.

We just won't be able to perform near schools.

You'd rather perform with a paedo than your own brother?

We should reinvent ourselves. New image, new name.

What about The Wu-Tang Clan?

Like the group The Wu-Tang Clan?

Why are you so scared to try something new, hit up a new demographic?

I'm guessing this demographic is fit, young females?

Yeah, nothing woos the bitches like a four-piece brass band.

Jazz quartet.

And it's not about the money, nor is it about the bitch-, women.

It's about the music.

Now can we please, please, just have one normal, uninterrupted rehearsal?

Guys!

I think I've found a time machine.

Why are we following Homeless Pete?

He knows where the time machine is.

The same Homeless Pete that likes to masturbate in front of Debenhams?

Yeah.

Cool, just checking.

He also thinks pigeons will inherit the earth.

'Course he does.

So this is the time machine?

He says yeah.

It's not just a piss-filled lift in a run-down block of flats?

He says nah.

And he's not thought about using this time machine to improve his own situation?

Like maybe going back to a time when he was less addicted to heroin?

He says sometimes.

- Sometimes? - Mm-hmm.

Well, in we pop.

Into the shit Delorean.

Actually, this is disgusting.

This better be chocolate.

Yes, alright! Horace, move!

This is so lame.

(lift beeps)

Ah, hey guys.

Depending on what year we go back to, remember Snickers will be called Marathon

and Starburst will be called Opal Fruits.

Thank you.

Okay, I'm really not liking this now.

Bruv, you gotta stop whining.

Oh my God.

Oh yeah, we've travelled two floors vertically.

Science.

Bruv, I beg you, shut up.

Ey, wha gwan Jason?

W-Wha gwan big man?

What, the lift broken, yeah?

It does that sometimes, still.

So what, you're not gonna introduce me to your bredrins, nah?

Everyone, this is Curtis.

Hiya.

Knowing Jason, and judging by your facial expression,

I'm guessing Jason slept with your girlfriend?

Fiancée.

Close enough.

Right, shall we leave you two to it?

What, you're not gonna back me up?

I just wanna talk, fam.

- See, he just wants to talk, fam. - He doesn't just wanna talk, fam.

Yeah,

I don't just wanna talk, fam!

(screaming)

Ey fam, I don't care where you are, y'know!

Man will find you and rile (ph) you up bruv, I swear!

Dickhead!

What's the matter with you?

What was I supposed to do, not sleep with her? Have you seen Eleasha?

Firstly, I have. She looks like a foot.

Secondly, his wife-to-be, really?

Look, I know I messed up, I'm sorry, alright! But-,

I love her.

What about the girl from Claire's Accessories?

I love her too.

Yeah? What's her name?

Look, I know what this might sound like, but-,

I do actually think her name's Claire.

- Guys? - And your actual girlfriend T'Shana?

She too is the love of my life.

- Guys? - Where's Homeless Pete?

Guys, what the hell is that?

What the fuck?

(beeping)

(laughter)

(lift bell rings)

Aargghh!

(horse whinnies)

(car horn sounds)

Welcome... to Jurassic Park.

Who would've thought a guy who shits in bins is a Time Lord?

So is this, like, slavery times?

Nah, it must be later.

How do you know?

It looks more Downton than Django.

Alright, let's just stick together and avoid any plantations.

Imagine all the things we could do.

Invest in stocks and shares and get filthy rich in the present day.

I was gonna say burn a witch, but we could do that.

Yeah, we could do that.

We can't just go venturing out.

It doesn't matter what time we're in,

any time before the mid-'80s isn't good for black people.

Bruv, how can you not wanna explore? We owe it to ourselves!

People like us never get to time travel.

It's what white people do, like skiing, or brunch.

Anyone got a fiver? I'm gonna buy a house.

Fuck!

Look at you perving at all the ye olde ladies.

I'm just appreciating when women dressed like women,

and not like twelve-year-old schoolboys.

That reminds me, I must buy some black pudding.

Would it mess with the future if I smacked that woman in the face right now?

(laughter)

No, seriously, she's right.

Time, space, ripple effects and all that.

What would happen?

Oh!

Homeless Pete gave me some rules.

Don't kill anyone.

That's not even specific to time travel.

Don't impregnate, get impregnated. Don't touch any animals.

Have fun and try to blend in.

Try to blend in?

Am I the only one noticing that?

Alright?

Aarghh!

(bell rings)

Why are we in a suit shop?

Because I didn't see a Foot Locker.

Good afternoon.

How may I eat you-, help you?

I'll just get the cannibal-, er, manager.

I will just eat the manager.

She's alright.

Going by the day's events, don't you think you have enough girlfriends?

Alright, then you go talk to her.

Well, obviously I can't.

Why not?

Because she's about 90 years older than me.

What?

Yes, I could go outside, and yes, I could chat her up.

But what if I fell for her, and she for I?

And we had this whirlwind love affair where we couldn't be without one another.

And at the peak of everything, she decides to come back with me to the 21st century.

But as we return to the present day, I'd turn to her

only to see that she'd become the age she would be in that time.

And I would have the girl of my dreams as an old woman,

dying in my arms.

Bruv, I just said to get her phone number.

Ahem!

- Hello. - Hello.

Hail thee, good morrow, how doth thou?

Alright?

Ask them.

- Ask them! - Yes, very well, Ralph.

- Ask us what? - We were just wondering-,

Yes, Ralph!

Are you a jazz band?

What makes you think we're a jazz band?

Quartet.

Well, four coloured chaps in London. What else could you be?

You're also carrying instruments.

Oh, so you are.

Now call it fate, but Ralph and I are hosting a sick-makingly glorious birthday party.

We're twins. Non-identical.

I was born first.

- So Victoria and I are having a party-, - Yes, Ralph!

And daddy promised us a Negro jazz band.

You really shouldn't use that word.

Oh, sorry. A Negro jazz quartet.

Quite a shame, the band we hired cancelled.

One of the poor fellows got polio.

Typical, isn't it? All bad things seem to happen to me.

How much we talking?

You'll be paid fabulously.

So please, please, please say you're a jazz quartet!

We are a jazz quartet.

Sorry, we'd love to but unfortunately we've got to get home.

- We'll be there. - Wondrous!

It is rather a formal affair.

Yes, so no curious native trousers or, um, spongy foot sheaths.

I can't wait!

Please don't let us down, otherwise Ralph and I will howl with shame

and take our lives in a tragic double suicide.

(nervous laughter)

See you chaps later!

Fare thee well!

Chaps.

Okay, look.

All I'm saying is that when people time travel, it's to prevent a natural disaster

or to save mankind from extinction.

Not to perform as a 'Negro jazz quartet'.

You are shitting me?

This is what you wanted, a paid gig.

Bruv, there's, like, one other jazz band, and they've got the plague.

Polio.

Whatever, the point is he's going to die. How amazing is that?

I don't know how else to reiterate that we should just go back to the lift.

What if it's one of those one-way time machines?

Then we'll find an alternative way home.

- Which is? - I don't know. A scientist.

Okay, what you gonna say to him?

Well, I'm gonna tell him or her that I wanna go home.

- To? - The 21st...century.

How you gonna get there?

Time machine.

Cool. Good luck with that, yeah?

Leave him, he's just scared, as usual.

You know what? I'm gonna go home. Excuse me.

No, no, no. Homeless Pete said we should all stick together.

You're seriously saying you're going to time travel back alone?

The man who's afraid to watch The X-Files?

Okay, they are stories based on actual events.

Okay, cool.

Here's the gig address.

I give it ten minutes before you brick it and come running back to us.

Good luck performing without lead trumpet.

Let us know when you get home safe, yeah?

WhatsApp's not working but hopefully normal texts are going through.

Anyone pay for these suits?

Yeah, wouldn't it be jokes if us accidentally teefin' these suits

starts the stereotype that all black people are thieves?

I didn't realise black people were thieves.

I'll have to warn everyone.

Stupid 1920s London.

Ooh, I'm smug because I've recently given women the vote. Dicks!

Oh, what is the code?

Homeless Pete?

Thank God, I could bloody kiss you!

I won't cos I think I've got a cold coming on

and, well, you're a tramp.

Look, I need the code to get home.

So what I need from you is for you-,

Homeless Pete? Where the-,

Homeless Pete!

Pete!

Excuse me, are you John Logie Baird?

Aye, that's me.

Okay.

Okay, I know this sounds weird, but I think I've been led here for a reason.

I was chasing this mystical tramp, and then seeing you

and knowing who you are because, well, I was really good at history,

I got a B.

Anyway, I know you invented the television.

Well, you will.

Who... told you that?

I know you will invent the television because-,

I'm from the future.

I'm from the future and I need you to help me get back.

Right. Well, you'd best come in then.

Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!

Ah, you're welcome. In you come.

(music plays)

Drink! Drink! Drink!

(cheering)

Someone's got an admirer.

What?

I'm guessing he's gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out you're a girl.

Yeah, well I'm guessing Victoria's gonna be pretty pissed

when she finds out you're a girl.

- Good comeback. - Yeah, well your mum's a good comeback.

Homeless Pete said to be careful who you get off with in the past in case it's your nan.

Yeah, well I don't think Ralph's her nan.

Homeless Pete said you never know.

(cockney accent) Cheer'o, I'm a cockerney!

Gor bless you all, fine gentlemen. (laughter)

I'm joking, that's not my real accent.

So pleased you made it.

Look at you chaps all dressed up.

Where's the tall, drippy one?

He's on his way.

Are you sure?

I shall be skull-crushingly angry if I don't get my jazz.

A toast!

Hurrah to us, to you, and to a bloody marvellous evening!

Oh God, I love fun!

We're going to hear the best jazz of all time!

Who wants some cocaine?

(cheering)

Nick's okay, right?

- Yeah. - He's fine.

(choking)

Please! I don't know what you're talking about!

Who sent you?

No one!

I told you, I'm from the future.

Just reach into my pocket, my driving licence has my date of birth on it.

Oh no, wait. I must've left them in my jeans.

Your what?

Jeans!

They're like trousers but fashioned from a cotton twill textile.

Shut your geggie!

Yes! Yes!

That's a telephone from the future.

I mean, that's not the latest model, I need an upgrade,

but it's like a TV but small and-,

Shhh.

I am sick of them Englishmen coming round here, trying to steal my ideas.

Only this time, they sent one of their exotic minions

to get his chocolatey fingers on my inventions.

Chocolatey fingers? No!

I'm gonna be needing some answers, laddy.

Right now!

Ah, pish.

Refill!

Chocolatey fingers.

Chocolatey fingers.

Chocolatey fingers!

Shit, shit, fuck!

Shit!

Argh!

Run, run, as fast as you can.

You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.

Argh!

Don't be dead, please don't be dead.

Don't be dead, don't be dead.

Shit, I've killed telly, I've killed telly.

Sorry!

We want jazz! We want jazz!

You said he'd be back.

Maybe he's gone black to the future.

It's a Back to the Future joke. - Yeah, I got that.

Look, he wouldn't have got back in that time machine by himself.

So where is he?

- What if he's dead? - He's not dead.

Could he be?

Look!

Ralph and I gifted each other these shoes.

They make a sound when we dance.

Look!

(shoes clicking)

Look!

I'm running!

Do come on, we're terribly tired of waiting.

- We want jazz! - Now!

Right, chocolate fingers.

Okay, alright.

Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate-,

Oh fuck, alright.

Oh, chocolate! Okay!

That's not chocolate.

Okay, alright.

That one, that one-,

Please!

Gah!

Ah! Ah, yes!

(beeping)

(lift beeps)

Hello.

Hi.

- What's that chap saying? We can't hear you, man!

Hello everyone.

I know you all came to hear our jazz quartet play tonight.

(applause)

Unfortunately that's not gonna happen.

- For crying out loud! - Outrageous!

We're basically missing our trumpet player.

He might be dead.

And it's weird, because the last thing he said to us was,

'Good luck performing without me.'

- Excuse me. - And in a way, he was right.

It's like we've got a limb missing.

What are we without him?

What is a quartet without its fourth member?

It's a trio.

Thank you for coming out tonight, we are The Wu-Tang Clan!

- One, two, one-two-three! - Wait, wait, wait!

He's alive!

So, what, you were just going to perform without me?

Bruv, I wanted to look for you, but Lau-,

Even though you thought I might be dead?

Paid gig.

- Jazz, jazz, jazz!

- Just play the goddamn jazz!

Hello 1920s London!

One-two-three, uh!

(singing) My baby don't mess around

because she loves me so and this I know for sure

Uh! But does she really wanna

but can't stand to see me walk out the door

Hey ya

Hey ya

Hey ya

Hey ya

Okay, shake it

Shake it

Shake it

Shake it, shake it

Shake it like a Polaroid picture!

Such a giddy-making delight of a night, all thanks to you gentlemen.

Now, who would like a dance with the birthday girl?

I thought you'd never ask.

And what about the birthday boy?

Oh, I'm not-,

No, I don't-,

Oh no, I was talking to that-,

This one-, particular one of you.

Would you?

Yeah, go on then.

(clicking)

Are you wearing tap shoes?

Yes, aren't they wizard!

Alright?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just, time travel,

Victoria and Ralph needing a band,

having the perfect sound for the perfect gig.

Fate, I guess it's a real thing.

Maybe.

Maybe we've not gone back in time.

Maybe we're part of an overlapping multiple universe

and now is just a parallel version of where we're meant to be.

Maybe.

If we leave now, we could still get home for Newsnight.

Well-,

I don't see any reason for us to leave just yet.

(lift bell rings)

What you sayin'?

Aargghh!