Original subtitles

Guess who's coming to Bookum Joe for a book signing?

A celebrity?

Kirk Franklin. He's coming to sign his new CD.

Tia, that is so cool.

You're practically friends with Kirk Franklin, which means I'm practically

friends with Kirk Franklin. We're all friends up in here.

I am not his friend. It's just, you know, part of my job. No big deal.

Big deal, Tia.

You could be photographed with Kirk Franklin. Then your picture ends up in

People. A famous producer sees you. You're whipped to Hollywood where you

deal to have your own sitcom.

We could be famous.

No. Stop the madness.

Getting excited about a celebrity is so junior high.

Oh, you're right.

Maybe I was a little crazy.

It happens.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, oh, my gosh, this is so heavy.

Oh, my goodness.

I'd like to thank my parents, my agents, and all the

little people who got me here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You forgot to thank me.

Even though I'm glad to be with you, I gotta feel a thrill for me like you got

to do what's right for you.

People, if we don't find a way to sell all these tickets, the band won't go to

state. What?

Is there a problem with the raffle?

Let me put it this way. You see, sales are so low, the only person going to

state is the bus driver.

He only came up with the lamest fundraising idea in the history of

High. You've let down the entire school.

Oh, come on, guys.

I'm sure there's a way we can make this raffle work.

What we need is a gimmick. You know, like somebody who is somebody to pull

winning ticket?

Oh, you need a celebrity?

Well, I got the hookup.

Who is it this time?

Cousin Urkel or Uncle Ice Cube?

This time I'm not lying. It's my third cousin on my Aunt Betty side.

Batman from the group Immature.

Mm -hmm. And my sister is TV's Tootie.

Jason, none of us know any celebrities.

Oh, but we will. Real soon. You know, after Samara's tarred and feathered on

football field.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, y 'all. We don't have to go there.

I can get a celebrity.

Tamara, your father's limo commercial on cable does not make him a celebrity.

I'm not talking about my dad.

I'm talking about a real celebrity.

Like who?

Like Kirk Franklin.

For real?

You know him?

Tia does.

Um, he's gonna be at Bookum Joe.

You see, Tia can get him to come in and pull the winning raffle ticket like

that. No lie.

Snap, if Kirk Franklin shows up...

What are all these tickets?

Tamara, because of you, this is going to be the bomb.

Oh, God, no.

We're all the bomb.

Tamara, how are you going to get T to hook you up with Kurt Franklin?

I have no idea.

Hello, Lisa.

Hey, Ray.

Vivica called. She wants you to go with her to the Donna Karan Fashion Show at

Saks on Sunday.

Oh, that's so nice.

But come Sunday, I'm going to be at the Lions game sitting on the 50 -yard line

holding a beer.

Ray, come Sunday, you're going to be at Saks sitting outside the dressing room

holding Vivica's purse.

What makes you say that?

Well, I've seen you with her, and how can I put this delicately?

I can't. She got you whipped.

I am not whipped.

Who watered her plants at the crack of...

Well, she was out of town.

Who picked up her stuff from the drugstore last week?

Well, she was busy. You know, she had to... Wit.

I'll bet you $100 that you'll end up at that fashion show.

Well, you're on, Missy Miss.

Because I want you to know I am my own man.

I do what I want to do when I want to do it.

And right now, I have something I want to do.

Yeah, Vivica mentioned that she's expecting you at four to clean out her

gutters. Oh, good.

because that's what I want to do.

Hi,

Sid.

Hey, Tamir.

Tia, I really love that sweater you're wearing.

What do you want?

I'm just trying to establish some love in the room.

Well, I feel the love, okay?

Good, because, um... I told everyone you could get Kirk Franklin a poorly

winning raffle ticket at school.

What?

I promised everybody I would get Kirk Franklin.

If I don't, they'll think I'm a liar.

You are a liar.

Yeah, but I don't want everybody to know it. Oh, my God.

Look, Tia, if they find out, I'll never be able to show my face at school again.

Oh, they won't miss it, because my face will still be there.

Tia, if the band doesn't go to state, it'll be all my fault.

Tamir, what do you want me to do, huh?

Stroll over to Kirk Franklin and say, Yo, Kirk, how about saving my sister

being the joke of the school?

That works.

But, um, you might want to drop, uh, something about the raffle.

Not gonna happen. Oh, dear, please!

Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please!

Remember the womb!

Oh, no, Tamara.

Not the womb again.

You know you're gonna do it.

Not unless you get out of my face.

Tia, you're really starting to suck the love out of the room here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where are you going?

Clark, I was going to see if Mr. Franklin wanted a smoothie.

Oh, trying to be slick, huh?

Breaching security.

If he wants a smoothie, I'll get him a smoothie.

I'm the one in charge of celebrity smoothie relations.

Now, get over there by that door. I saw a girl with Afro puffs trying to sneak

in. But Clark, I... Roger,

can you see if T's talking to Kirk Franklin?

No.

Man. The guy wasn't anything like this to Kool Moe D.

Hey, Clark, the Afro -puff crisis is under control, so now can I meet him?

late. He's out of here.

Back away from the celebrity.

Keep your hands in view at all times. Wait, wait, Mr. Franklin, Kirk.

Tia, stop stalking the celebrity.

Now get behind that counter and start serving those Kirkachinos.

Kirkacino? That sounds good.

This is great.

Makes me want to stomp.

Will you be quiet and let the girl tell us what time Kirk's coming to school?

He's not, Tamara.

I never even got near him.

Eeya!

What am I supposed to do? Tamara, just don't worry, okay? I mean, you only made

one little comment in the meeting. Who's going to remember that?

Hey, you guys, check it out. A special edition... of the school paper for

tomorrow's fundraiser.

Surprise celebrity ad raffle.

It's going to be a surprise, all right.

Why doesn't it say Kirk Franklin?

Oh, that old printing press at school?

It has a broken K.

Yeah, and nobody would pay to see her friendly.

No, but this is even better. People are buying these tickets like crazy just to

see what celebrity is going to show up. I'm saying, girl, this raffle is blowing

up, and it's all because of you, Tamara, and I'm going to make sure everybody

knows it.

Later.

Well, Tamara, made front page.

I don't know what the next headline's gonna say.

Angry students, ill Tamara.

Well, out of the goodness of her heart, Tia tried to get Kirk Franklin, but she

couldn't.

It's not her fault.

It's all on me.

So, basically, I lied.

And that's the truth.

We are all going to look like idiots. The whole school is going to show up

expecting a surprise celebrity guest, and the surprise is we have no one.

all it takes is one phone call from Aunt Betty and bam!

Cousin Batman to the rescue.

Roger, can you really hook us up with Immatures?

Did you hear me say bam?

Why are you just sitting there, boy? Go call.

Oh, so now you believe me.

No more shut up, Roger.

Go home, Roger.

Now it's, we need you, Roger. You're the man, Roger.

Nobody said you're the man.

Oh. Well, then let me sit back down.

You're the man.

I didn't hear everybody.

You're the man.

Oh, please.

You're embarrassing me.

Well, we're going to be killing you if you don't make that phone call.

Coming together like clockwork. And you guys were worried.

Hey, Miss Landry.

Oh, Roger. Did those girls send you in here to get their snacks again?

Uh -uh.

They sent me in here to save the day. Because I'm the man.

Have you been talking to Rick?

Hey, Betty.

How's the weather in L .A.? I know you're not calling long distance on my

Yes, Roger.

How's Batman?

Roger Evans, your nephew, you know, three times removed.

If she don't know you by now, hang up. This is costing me money.

Yeah, that's right, Jimmy's son.

Yeah, check it out.

Two friends of mine lied and promised their school that they can get a

for their raffle.

So I need you to hook me up with Batman.

Oh, he's on the road with immature?

Well, don't you have a bat signal or something?

Oh, nice talking to you, too.

Uh, Evans.

Roger Evans.

Uh, Roger, sounds like you could use some sound advice from somebody who is

older and wiser.

Yes, ma 'am. I could.

Well, here's your advice. Next time you call long distance on my phone, you call

collect. My initials are not MCI.

Well?

Sorry. That man's on tour with Immature.

We've got to find somebody by tomorrow night. I know. Shoot, at this point, I'm

so desperate, I'm about ready to take a blow dryer and a press and comb to Roger

and pass him off as Batman.

Yeah, let that work.

Well, it's either that or we stand in front of the whole school and tell them

was all a lie.

Well, you know, if you squint with one eye and don't look out of the other,

brother does kind of look like Batman.

We're number one.

Are you telling me that you went to the Lions game?

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

And I am still the man.

Oh, must have stained from a Detroit dog.

Interesting. Yeah, and it was good, too.

Oh, hold up, Mr.

Macho. I seem to detect a rather delicate odor.

One not quite indigenous to the Pontiac Silverdome.

Uh, what are you talking about?

It's Vanilla Musk.

Um, I can explain.

It's me.

I wanted to try something different.

I'm all about Vanilla Musk.

Ray Campbell, you know you went to that fashion show.

Only for an hour.

And then I went over to the Lions game for the second half.

Oh, well, I'm impressed.

You supported your woman and you still managed to do what you wanted to do.

Guess that means I am not whipped. Yes, it does.

And I don't owe you $100. No, you don't. You only owe me $50 because you're

still half -wit.

I'd love to stay and argue the point, but I have to get ready to go to the

airport for a pickup.

These immature kids are coming in.

Oh, Ray, you don't even know them kids. Don't be calling them names.

They are a singing group.

Immature is their name.

Immature?

Oh, Tia and Tamara have been trying to get up with their school raffle.

Oh, we got just enough time to pick them up at the airport and...

Save our girls from public humiliation. What are you talking about?

I'll tell you all about it in the car. See, Roger's our betty. She's in L .A.

Come on, Ray. Come on.

Now, remember, Roger, yell a lot and end with, you know what I'm saying, and do

it in a low, sexy voice.

Okay.

Check this out.

East side, west side, Detroit side, you know what I'm saying?

have to change our names.

How about Lee and Lamera?

Chill, Lamera.

Now listen, Roger. When you hear Tamera introduce Batman, you run on stage, pull

the ticket, and run off. Run, pull, run. Got it? Yeah. Pull, run, run. Got it.

Wait, hold it, you guys.

He still doesn't look right.

I know.

Under your top button.

A t -shirt.

Batman does not wear a t -shirt.

A belt of chill.

We need you on stage. Hurry up.

Okay, you guys. This is it.

Let go.

Dead girls walking.

Batman, you are so sweet to come down here and pull the winning ticket.

Well, how could I say no? You wouldn't let me out of the limo.

Well, you're out now.

And I want you to know my girls are going to appreciate this so much.

Well, I'm always down for helping out at school.

So, uh... Where's the star dressing room you were telling me about?

Right there.

Ooh, I've been in worse.

Where's Batman?

Oh, he's in the boys' dressing room.

Did you find Tia and Tamara?

Uh, not yet.

Beth thinks they're in the band room. Oh, great. I can't wait to tell them the

good news.

Man, I knew Aunt Betty would come through.

What up?

Who are you?

Roger. Roger Evans.

Oh, Jimmy, son.

Man, I heard you were in juvie.

No, no, no, no.

That's Charlie, son.

Man, let me tell you, I truly enjoy your music.

And as a musician myself, I... Watch it, cuz.

Why y 'all G'd up like me? Because the music department was in trouble.

I know.

Lisa and her chauffeur clued me.

That's why I'm here.

Man. This is the first time I ever had a prayer answer.

Thanks, bro.

So, uh, you're gonna go out on stage as me?

Uh -huh.

Man, are you tripping?

You don't look nothing like me. Who you tellin'?

I look better.

I'm scared is on point.

And I am Batman.

That's right.

Keep believing it. Yeah.

Oh, now that is what I call a funky shirt.

Thanks, Miss Landry.

Miss Landry. Oh, you know you can call me Lisa.

I can?

Cool, Lisa.

And let me just say again how happy I am that you're doing this.

So you're not still mad about the long -distance phone call? Oh, no, I'm not.

Long -distance?

Roger?

Yes, Lisa?

Don't you call me Lisa. Boy, get out of my way. What is wrong with you? Where is

Batman?

I guess he's out on stage.

Well, what are we standing around here for? Come on, let's go.

What you do to your head, child? I know you didn't use my blow dryer.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for.

guest. Just so you know, he has a very bad toothache, so he won't be saying

much. In fact, he won't be saying anything at all.

How's it going?

Something's wrong with the girls. What?

Well, they're treating Batman like he's... Roger?

Bat! Bat! Bat!

When I say shut, you say up. Shut up! Shut up!

Are y 'all ready to party?

We're gonna try and sing.

Tell the truth.

Batman's in the house.

Batman's in the house. Come on, now say Batman's in the house. Everybody listen.

Batman's in the house.

Quiet in the house.

Quiet in the house.

Um, there's something you all should know.

I was so worried about letting everybody down that I was willing to do anything

to make this raffle work.

If he's Roger, then who are you?

I'm Batman.

Tamara and Tia have been way too modest, you guys.

If it weren't for these two, I wouldn't be here tonight. So let's show them some

love. Come on, everybody.

And now, I have a couple more mystery guests for you guys.

Before I pull to win the ticket, I want y 'all to give it up for the fellas.

Eddie B and Romeo, Immatures in the Head.

How you did it, but thanks for saving our butts again.

I just hope your lying days are over.

That's right, because I have just kidnapped my last celebrity.

He may be family, but I don't get it.

What are girls seeing, cuz?

producer sees you, you're with the Holly De... Hollyville.

No!

Quite indigenous.

You're deflated.

I'm all about the middle... I'm all about the...

I think we're gonna be talking for my sister.

See, Kirk. I mean, Arch.

Kirk's not your name.