Original subtitles

Ooh, see it? Quick, me!

Woo!

Hi! Say hi!

Uh, last night's meatloaf? Ooh, now it's sausage!

Ah! Ah!

That's too joe!

Mom, where'd you get the dog?

I bought him from Jolene at the beauty shop.

Why? I read that having a dog's a great way to meet a man.

You know, he's walking his little something, you're walking your little

something. At least you get all tangled up, and before you know it, you want to

do a little something -something.

Well, did you meet anyone?

As a matter of fact, I met a very nice man.

But the only date we'll have is in court. I think Cujo ate his chihuahua.

Now that everybody knows, I ain't ever gonna lose.

Sounds fair.

We've been going to the fair since you were nine.

That's what I mean.

I've outgrown a lot of the stuff we used to do, like take your daughter to work

day.

So cute behind the wheel of my limo.

The father -daughter dance?

What? Not until next weekend. I've been practicing my lumbata.

The forbidden dance.

Now I know why it's forbidden.

Dad, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but... A lot of the stuff we

when I was a kid was fun, but it's kind of corny now.

It's not just for kids.

I enjoy it. I'm an adult.

Besides, I don't want to go alone.

I love to go.

Good.

I'll run to the garage and get those little pointy hats from last year.

Thanks, T. I owe you one.

You owe me two if he finds those hats.

Well, sounds like old Jell -O butt next door is finally putting up a fence.

I saw him sunbathing last month.

All slathered up with copper tone.

I haven't been able to baste a turkey since.

Lisa, it's just the handyman Dad called. You know, to repair the gate Cujo went

through. I guess Ray hasn't missed the lawn furniture yet.

May I take thy wrap, m 'lady?

Thou art most kind, good gentleman.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I wish I had my camera. You look so cute.

You look like a jackass.

Hearted ha -ha, Lisa.

If you understood history, you would know this was the height of fashion

1215. Well, it's 5 o 'clock and you still look like a jackass.

So, did you guys have a good time? Oh, yeah. It was great. There was strolling

minstrels and jousting and much merry cavorting upon the village green.

Man, I owe you big time.

I got this for you.

If you want it, sling the dragon.

Well, it really wasn't a dragon. It was just a... Big old green sock on a stick.

But that bad boy put up quite a fight.

Mom,

it was so cool. After Ray hit it about 50 or 60 times, the whole crowd started

cheering him on.

Go, Ray! Go, Ray!

And then some little kid said to me, boy, your dad's really funny.

And you said, that's not my dad, right? Oh, I was too busy leaving the crowd.

Go, Ray!

Go, Ray!

Tia.

Tia, it's okay.

My date and his... hours ago. You don't have to babysit dad anymore.

Oh, I know, but I'm having a good time.

With who?

Your dad.

Tamira, he's really cool.

Cool?

Tia, cool's over here.

Ray Campbell is way over there.

Tamira, I know, but I still like hanging with him.

That's it. That's it. That's it.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. Am I disturbing you?

More than you know.

Russell.

Oh, girls, why don't you go out and play?

But, Mom, I... Get out.

Oh,

my, Russell.

Oh, it's warm in here. Why don't you just rustle over there, and I'll rustle

up a cool drink.

Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

I think you'll like the gate.

I matched the wood for you. It's knotty pine.

Did you spank it?

Spank it?

For being so knotty.

That's very funny.

I'll have to tell my wife that one.

Let me ask you a question as you leave.

What about the drink?

Use the hose.

How does a girl like me get to meet a guy like you before a guy like you gets

got?

Oh, well, I met my wife when I came to reface the cabinets.

It's funny, my brother's an electrician, and he met his wife on a service call,

too. It's all just repair guy I know. Yeah, don't let the gate hit you on your

way out.

Thank you.

James Baldwin, the one in the Cindy Crawford movie? Because he is such a

Well, actually, I mean, James Baldwin is a respected author.

Yeah. He wrote The Fire next time.

Oh, right.

Sure. That must be on my must -read list right after I finish

Evod Emotional.

Honey, that's Lotham Dove.

Oh, you look great, Lisa. Going out?

Staying in. I'm waiting for my repairman.

Again? I mean, we just had one this morning.

Yeah, but he was butt ugly.

Hey, Mom, guess what?

Ray's taking me to an opera.

Madame Butterfly. Oh, that's nice, honey.

What? Well, Tia, don't you think your mom will feel left out? I mean, if you

to Madame Butterfly with my dad?

Madame Butterfly? No, thank you. I prefer Madame Butterworth myself.

No, Mom, it's really beautiful.

Anybody

still

in the dark as to why I don't want to go?

Thanks,

Ray. I'm really looking forward to this.

Thanks, Ray.

It's so nice for T to have a man to look up to. Sort of like a father figure.

Well, it's nice for me, too.

Turns out T and I have a lot in common.

It's not easy for me finding people to share my interests.

You're telling me. I haven't been interested in anything you've said since

moved in here.

Step aside, Ray. That's my sump pump, man.

Wait a minute.

Our sump pump is broken?

You mean we actually have one?

Ray, it's for you.

Man,

this opera thing is never going to catch on.

Can I come in?

Honey, you were really quiet at the dinner table. I mean, I know... Tia and

monopolized the conversation, but you sure you didn't feel left out?

Me?

No way.

Are you sure?

I mean, I kind of got vibes that maybe you were a little jealous.

Oh, come on, jealous?

Of you and Tia?

Dad, please, I'm not a baby.

I know, I know. Sometimes I forget you're not five anymore.

You've grown up to be quite a young lady.

Unselfish, giving.

Willing to share.

I'm really proud of you, honey.

The hard part is, even though you said you're too grown up for those father

-daughter dances, I'm really gonna miss them.

I am, too.

Dad?

Um, Ray, I've been thinking.

Would...

You go to the father -daughter dance with me tomorrow night?

Really? You want to go?

Well, yeah. I've never been to one.

And it'll mean a lot to me.

Tia, I'm really touched.

Okay, then.

I'd love to go to the father -daughter dance with you.

Oh, yeah, faceless. You look stunning, sweetheart.

Oh, thanks, Ray.

Oh, hi, pumpkin.

Hey, you got chocolate on your shirt.

Thanks, Dad.

What you got there, Ray? Biscuits?

No.

Tia, I got you a little something for your first father -daughter dance.

Oh, thanks, Ray. It's gorgeous.

Let me pin it on for you, honey.

And I know you think this is all very corny, but I couldn't help myself.

I got you a little something, too.

Really? You got me a corsage?

No, honey, you're not going anywhere.

I got you this.

Well, it was standing proud when I bought it.

Sorry. Must have got slammed in a car door.

Come on, Tia, let's go practice our entrance.

Better hurry up and put that in the water, honey.

I'm on it.

You see?

That's why we don't buy you a puppy.

I'm sorry.

Oh, this is a real nice thing you're doing for your sister.

I know it's not easy for you. Oh, honey, I'm proud of you.

Yay for me.

I'm reaching for a cookie.

You're not going to hurt me, are you?

Help yourself.

You know, it's funny sometimes how you can just eat and eat and eat and still

have this big empty space inside of you.

It's like you just can't seem to fill it.

Well, I'm working on it.

Please, Pastor Malamore.

I'm not talking about you, Tamara.

I'm thinking about Tia. That's how she must feel.

Hungry. I'm not surprised.

I ate her dinner.

Tamara not food hungry?

Here has a big empty space inside of her, and only a daddy can fill it.

But I was using mine.

Isn't there some old dad lying around somewhere she could have?

Oh, believe me, honey, I've been looking.

I know Tia needs a father.

Why do you think I keep throwing all those bricks in the dryer?

Good night, Tamera.

Thanks again.

Yeah, whatever.

What are you looking at, you scaly homewrecker?

Family. We all love our families, right?

I mean, good times, bad times, they're always there for us.

Yeah, unless you have a father -stealing sister who's looking to ruin your life.

Today on Woolery, father stealing sisters who are looking to ruin your

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome

all the way from Detroit, Tia, Tamara, and their father, Ray.

Excuse me, Chuck.

Yes? But he's my father.

Then why do you suppose he's taking Tia to the father -daughter dance?

believe in sharing with my sister, and I'm mature enough not to let it get to

me. I see. Na -na -na -na -na -na. I'm dancing with your daddy.

Let me at her. I'll kill her. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down to marry.

It's Tamara.

Sweetheart, did the big bad sister Worcester fight my itty -bitty baby?

Is that really true, T 'Bully?

Tamara! It's Tamara, okay?

You see, it seems Tia and Ray have so many intellectual pursuits in common.

You, on the other hand, don't know who James Baldwin is, you big dope.

Now, Lisa, this isn't love connection. Do you have a question?

That was my question.

Yeah, but long as I'm up, long as I'm up. Now, look, Tamara, she wants this

on herself. She should have just went to that residence with her daddy.

You didn't want to go.

He ain't my daddy.

Thank you, Lisa. Thank you. Get off me. Don't touch me. Get off me. Thank you.

You are?

Are you ready to go to the father -daughter dance?

Mm -hmm.

Excuse us, Tamombo.

Actually, it's tonight.

Gotta go.

You're the best, Ray.

You can call me Dad.

What about me?

You can call me Mr. Campbell.

Wait, wait. Please, don't go.

Don't go.

Let me go, Tanana.

I've got to get Mr. Campbell back.

in the fridge, but the bacon sold it.

Baby, maybe you should get to bed. Lisa will look after you. No, no.

I want you.

We can do stuff together like, like search the newspapers for grammatical

errors. You love that stuff.

Just please, don't go.

Tamara, I promised your sister I'd take her to the dance with your blessing,

remember?

Um, Ray, it's okay.

All of a sudden, I'm not feeling too well either.

Maybe it's catching.

Uh, I don't think I can go to the dance.

Tia!

Tia!

Don't worry, I'll take care of her. Good.

I'll take care of her.

And, lady, I'm waiting for an explanation.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I didn't want to hurt Tia, but I didn't want to...

Lose me? What in the world are you talking about?

Well, all of a sudden, it's like you and Tia are best friends, and I get the

feeling you think you've got the wrong twin.

What? Put it down.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, I think Tia's terrific, but no one could replace you in my life.

Really?

Really.

You've been keeping all this to yourself?

If you were hurt, why didn't you say something?

Oh, I couldn't.

You would have all thought I was just this selfish little baby and... I just

want to be mature.

Tia?

There's something I have to say.

Me too.

I'm sorry.

You are?

Wait a minute, Tia.

I know why I'm sorry.

I ruined your chance to go to your first father -daughter dance.

What are you so sorry about?

Well, for hogging your dad and making you feel bad.

Tamara, I never had a dad.

And it was just so great being with yours and doing all that father

stuff.

I guess I didn't stop to think how you felt.

But I wasn't trying to steal them from you, honest.

Are you kidding?

Take them!

Feel free to use them any time you want.

What are you sitting here for? You've got to be late for the dance.

All right, good. You're still up.

Yep.

I saved you some milk and cookies.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

What kind of cookies?

So, you and Tia have a good time at the dance?

Yes, we did.

But... I saved

the last dance for my best girl.

Funny sometimes how you can just eat and eat and eat and still have this big

empty space inside of you.

Like you just can't seem to fill it. Well, I'm working on it.

Being Pastor Malamore's.

I didn't mean you, honey.