Original subtitles

My sister Tia and I decided to pull all the money we saved up for Christmas.

That way we can buy really great presents for our loved ones.

Plus, if you give a lot, you get a lot.

Oh, that's where you hit it. Gosh.

So, how much you got there, Tia?

Exactly $490.

This is incredible.

Do you realize that with your $490, plus the money I saved, we have $498?

I ain't ever gonna love you.

Well,

I'm off to the mall.

Mom, you've been working long hours.

Well, honey, Hanukkah and Christmas came about the same time this year.

Oh, yeah, I have some spilt goods from all the schmattas I've been selling.

Boy, Ray, you're really on the Christmas tip.

Yeah, I want this to be a great Christmas this year. Wait till you taste

eggnog I've whipped up.

See, I got it all down here on the schedule.

The oldie's schedule of Yuletide events?

Yeah. Wait a minute. Christmas morning, 6 a .m. sharp, the oldie Christmas

present opening?

But Mom and I like to open them on Christmas Eve, remember? It's a Landry

tradition. Oh, that's not tradition. That's lack of willpower. Oh, well,

up with tradition, I made me oldie Christmas list myself.

And notice, the must -have items are marked with those little thardillies.

Asterisk. What'd you call me?

See, Tamara, every year there's this great expectation of getting a ton of

gifts, and we lose focus on the traditional meaningful Christmas.

But, Dad, can't we have a meaningful Christmas next year? I need those

rollerblades this year.

You don't understand.

I want this year to be special. I want a field Christmas.

Excuse me, Mr. Campbell. Oh, yeah, sorry. So where do you want this sucker,

C? That is not a sucker. That's a Christmas tree.

I want it over here, right over here.

Oh,

is this where you want it, Mr. Campbell? Yeah, right over here.

Mr.

Campbell? Over here.

Everything's fine. Let's just pull it down a little further. Hey, I'll go get

the ornament.

Look what the Yuletide washed in.

I thought you were in India. I was, but it's not the same thing putting

Christmas presents under a sacred cow.

Besides, I want to see my family, so I popped for a first -class ticket. Oh,

Grandpa, with you here, it's going to be the best Christmas ever. Ah, well,

you'll have to excuse me. I'm still on India time.

To me, it's 1965.

Whoa, this place looks like the North Pole exploded.

Yeah, I want it to be a real special traditional Christmas, and now that

here, it's going to be even better. Ah, whoa, this looks like a Christmas list

here.

Three pages? Is that all you want?

Oh, see, Dad, Grandpa knows the true meaning of Christmas.

Well, it's a great surprise to hear.

Is everything okay? Oh, yeah, everything is okay. I'm rolling in dough.

I guess those tea rooms actually took off. Yeah, big time.

I'm so proud of you. I always knew you would make it. Just to think you're here

because you want to be and not because you're in hiding.

Well, Christmas is really falling into place.

Oh, have you been a good little girl, Lisa?

Yes, unfortunately.

I gotta run, but how about you and me, Christmas Eve, sharing some cookies and

milk?

Oh, Santa, you slay me.

Freeze, Kringle.

Mall cop, up against the cart and spread them, please.

Dave, you got a bus banner right here in front of my car?

Don't let the uniform fool you, Lisa.

This cloth is dirty.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Hey, I was right.

A lot of kids are going to be very disappointed if they don't get their

Say it ain't so, Santa. Say it ain't so.

Don't use ain't. It's say it isn't so, Santa.

All right, Santa.

Time to go to the slammer. Let's go.

Who's going to feed my reindeer?

Oh, it's so good to see you again. So how are things going? Hey, never better.

just brought the girls down to do a little browsing.

Hey, we'll meet you at Hudson's in an hour. All right. Look, I got to talk to

the mall manager about opening one of my tea rooms here. You good? Pick out

anything you want. Oh, you're the greatest grandpa ever.

And look, I printed up another Christmas list for you.

So how's business, Lisa? Oh, it's great. I'm going to shower to you with

presents. And jump in that shower and get a little something for myself, too.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, your tea room's going great, huh?

Oh, for me, tis the season to be jolly.

Uh -huh.

Not.

You said things were never better. Yeah, well, that's the problem. They ain't

never better.

That's all the fun for Tamar and Tia. That's me, all front and no behind.

What about the tea rooms?

Don't have them. Don't even have a tea bag.

Oh, well, you'll land on your feet. Yeah, right. Probably be inside cement

shoes.

I owe money to a loan shark.

I'm broke, Lisa.

Imagine me, Jimmy Campbell, a vagrant, a down -and -outer, a ne 'er -do -well, a

hobo, a tramp, a bum.

Uh, look, look, look, look, Snoopy, here's a tense spot. Maybe that'll shut

up. I mean, I'll help you out, okay?

Hey, Tia, where's Grandpa?

Oh, he left early. He had to go to some big business meeting. Well, come on,

let's get to the mall and spend that Christmas cash. I want to get him

special. Oh, no, I'll just meet you down there. I still have to finish writing

this Christmas card to my pen pal.

Yelp from Norway.

Sure, give me the money.

Ah, ah, ah, nothing doing.

You want to know what happens with your money?

What happens? It quickly becomes you and no money.

Well, all righty then.

Goodness, okay, fine. I'll meet you under the giant shoehorn at Henry's for

feet, okay?

Yelp.

I'll do my best to get the butthead T -shirt.

But remember,

That show does not represent American TV.

I inquire whether a certain James Campbell resides in this here dwelling.

You mean Grandpa Campbell? Are you connected to one of his businesses?

Well, I am connected.

Well, Mr. Campbell says he's doing really well.

That's what he told me, too, when I learned of the money. However, he has

neglected to remunerate me and my associates.

He owes you money?

A thousand dollars.

Wow.

He's on the hook for G?

Does that include a big?

Well, uh, I've been watching the History Channel, and they did an expose on the

mafia, which doesn't exist.

Then you know what happens to Welch's.

They get taken for a ride?

Exactly. Tell them that I was here.

you take half a G? Well, $498.

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna let him slide for the deuce.

You tell him I gotta have the other installment tomorrow.

Who else?

Oh, yeah, by the way, uh, Merry Christmas.

Mom,

I've gotta find Tamara.

Well, something wrong, honey? There's been a problem with Grandpa Campbell.

I know, honey, and I'm sorry you had to find out, but...

He's trying to earn some money. Well, that's good. What's he doing?

Ho, ho, ho.

Santa's in the house.

Mom,

is that Santa Claus who I think it is?

Yeah, yeah. I pulled a few strings and I got him a job.

But Jimmy doesn't want Ray to find out, so let's just keep this between us.

Oh, there you are. I found just about everything to get people for Christmas.

Let's just...

I'm afraid we're going to have to put the spree on hold.

We have less money than I thought.

Look, this may come as a big shock to you.

Your grandfather's in trouble with loan sharks.

Really tough people.

Look, I had to give them all the money.

You mean our money. Eight dollars of that was mine, you know.

Look, Tamir, there's something else I have to tell you.

Take a deep breath and turn around.

You mean over there where Grandpa's playing...

Wait a minute, you know about that? Tia, I practically live at the mall. And how

many Santas walk like this?

Boy, you don't seem upset about all this news.

What's the big deal? The big deal is if we're going to give great gifts in order

to get great gifts, we're going to have to get jobs.

half turn.

You may be a big star on the softball team where I have to dance to your

but here I name the tune.

Rhonda, lighten up.

Lighten up?

What we do here is the most important work at this mall.

Our efforts end up beneath hundreds of Christmas trees.

One torn ribbon, one lopsided corner can diminish joy.

Does the word psychotherapy mean anything to you?

my girl.

Let's see how you did with that box of china.

Oh, Rhonda, don't ever diss me when it comes to wrapping presents.

I can handle this little job. Thank you for your kind attention.

Merry Christmas.

What?

Oh, don't worry.

If you don't have a chimney, he'll come through the doggy door.

Excellent choice.

But here's a little tip.

Don't be dazzled by boardwalk.

Instead, hold on to the light blue properties.

You wouldn't want to live there in real life. But in Monopoly, they bring back

big bucks.

Yay, time's up, Sammy. Wait, are you telling me to smart play?

Merry Christmas there, Sammy.

Well,

that's it for today, Grandpa Campbell. I might say you did a jolly job.

Excellent elfing yourself.

You sure Ray doesn't know about this?

Yes. Good.

Let's keep it that way. Because I won't want him to know that I'm broke,

destitute, flat, tapped, flustered. Okay, okay, okay, I got it.

He also doesn't know anything about the loan shark.

What loan shark? Where? No, no, no, he isn't here.

He came by the house. I paid him half your gambling debt.

You paid $500?

Well, I paid him $498.

He let me slide for the deuce.

It was mine and Jamiro's Christmas money. Oh, Tia, I'm so sorry. I feel so

small. I'll pay you back with interest.

Well, I'll pay you back.

Look, the guy wants to rest by tomorrow.

By tomorrow? Christmas Eve?

My crunch day?

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Crime knows no holiday.

Look, I'm sure Ray will lend you the money. Why don't you tell him about it?

way. I let him down enough when he was a kid.

I was never there for Christmas. I never took him to see Santa.

And I never got him some stupid bike that he always wanted.

So what are you going to do?

Well, look, tomorrow I get my paycheck. That should buy me some time. And if it

doesn't, well, I just have to take my medicine like I always do.

Screaming and begging for mercy.

Ho, ho, ho.

Dad, I told you to stay out of my eggnog.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I gotta get down to the mall and get into my suit. Uh, lawsuit.

I'm suing some investors.

I gotta meet my lawyers at the mall to go over our strategy.

You know, I'm glad you're doing so well, but to take a day off for the holidays

wouldn't kill you, you know.

Actually, it might.

Oh, which reminds me, if anybody comes looking for me, I'm at a meeting.

Better yet, don't open the door.

Good morning.

Hey, don't hug the dog, man.

Good day.

I'm here to collect the debt from a Mr. Jimmy Campbell.

Oh, right, you're the hood. I mean, a gentleman that Jimmy was telling me

Well, you know, he's not here at the moment. You just missed him.

Well, I mentioned to the young doll that I'd be returning for the second

installment. You mean you threatened a 16 -year -old girl out of her Christmas

money? Yeah.

Oh, just checking.

Just give me my 500 bucks.

You know what? Actually, I think Jimmy did leave something for you. Here.

See, this isn't really Jimmy's money.

It's yours, am I right?

You're very perceptive for a guy in white loafers.

Thank you.

Gee, Soupy sure has got a couple of swell babes in his life.

Christmas.

What a beautiful hustle.

You know, my dad practically ruined Christmas.

Yeah, put a big dent in it.

Who was that at the door?

Just somebody collecting for charity. I gave a generous donation.

What charity?

Red Cross?

Well, it was blood money.

Oh, good for you, Lisa. You see how wonderful is the spirit of giving?

You must feel great.

Yeah, yeah, I feel great, great. Now bite it.

Well, nothing's gonna dampen my holiday.

Excuse me, I was just here talking to the lady. Oh, yeah, yeah, she told me. I

like to make a donation myself.

Oh, no, no, that won't be necessary. You know, the lady already took care of

Soupy's I .O .U.

But I was remiss in returning it.

Wait a minute, what is this all about?

I mean, you guys don't talk to one another yet?

Okay, okay, it's like this. You see, uh, Jimmy Campbell owe me $1 ,000, all

right? So I came here the other day, boom, one, two, three, the young lady

me $498, all right? So, bing, bing.

Lisa,

Lisa, excuse me.

Oh, Ray, what are you doing here? I thought you did all your Christmas

on Halloween.

Where is my father? I had a little discussion with his loan shark.

Oh, you found out, huh? Now go easy on him right now. Your father is Santa

Claus.

When will you people wake up and smell the reindeer?

He is not Santa Claus.

Hey,

he is Santa Claus.

Just until the mall closes. Now, he was hard up for some money, so I got him a

job. I pulled a few strings.

Sorry,

Ray. I don't know what you're doing here, but no cuts.

Excuse me.

Do you want to know?

Santa is my father.

Yeah, and my uncle's the Easter Bunny.

Dad, listen, we got to talk. Dad, I'm Santa Claus. I can't have children.

Knock it off, Jimmy.

All right.

Look, I can't leave, so if you want to talk, you have to hop up here.

Ho, ho, ho.

Dad, if you need money to pay off your gambling debts, why didn't you ask me

it? What? Why add more disappointment clippings to your deadbeat dad

You're not a deadbeat dad. All right, I wrecked your Christmas, and I'm sure

it's not the first time.

Come on, someone's got a bedtime.

Don't get your under rules in a knot.

Look, Jimmy, when I was a kid, the thing that wrecked Christmas wasn't not

visiting Santa Claus, but not getting that... 26 -inch, black and red, twin,

phantom bicycle.

What bothered me most is that you weren't there.

Well, now you're here, and that's what really counts.

Oh, now Soupy's getting soupy.

I was so caught up in trying to create the traditional Christmas fantasy that I

missed the whole point.

It's giving that really counts, like Leif and the girls did.

That's what really matters.

Don't you see, Dad?

I sure do, son.

Show for it.

We did our best, Tia.

Hanky's for your mom and Ty's for my dad. We'll just have to do.

You know, Tamir, I thought you'd be upset about having to get jobs.

Well, I was a little upset at first, but what's the little work?

It's better to give gifts than to get them.

You know, Tamir, that's a great attitude.

Oh, girls.

Oh, I was hoping to have an arm full of gifts this year.

But I only had enough money for one gift per pit.

I had some unexpected expenses.

I guess Christmas won't be much this year, huh, Poopy?

Hey, what is everybody looking so down about? It's Christmas Eve. We've got

presents to open.

We do?

On Christmas Eve?

Yes, Santa came early this year.

It's a tear from Mom, a mirror from Grandpa, to me from... Oh, Lisa, you

shouldn't have.

I didn't.

What's come over you?

Well, don't look a Christmas miracle in the mouth.

Ta -da!

He's here now. We can get started. But me first, please.

Here. This is for you girls. Oh, thanks. And this is for you, Lisa.

And Merry Christmas to all. And I mean that sincerely.

Oh, a check for $500.

And it's good.

A check for $498?

Yeah, I hope you let me slide for the deuce.

Where did you get the money?

Don't tell me the racetrack is open on Christmas Eve.

First of all, it's not.

Second of all, I checked.

Third of all, I wish it was.

And fourth of all, how dare you?

A guy thought I did a terrific job at the mall, so he hired me as an

at USC.

Wow, the University of Southern California?

No, the University of Santa Claus.

It's in Livonia.

I talked to him and he gave it to me in advance.

And, Ray, I didn't forget about you.

Roger!

We're in Phantom!

Thank them!

I hope you don't mind. I took them for a little road test.

Boy, those girls were sure giving me some looks.

Yeah, they probably were saying, who's that geek on the bike?

At least they were looking.

This is great.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

You know, playing Santa Claus, it might be your true calling, Jimmy. Yeah, baby,

I'll finally get a piece of that pie.

Thanks for the presents, Roger.

Hope they don't get your ears infected.

Well, we did get you something.

Thanks.