Original subtitles

You're not going to believe this. My mom and her ex -boyfriend Terrence were

planning to spend Thanksgiving in Hawaii, but luckily they broke up, and

she's taking me.

Man, it's cold out there, too.

I am so lucky.

I get to spend my Thanksgiving in Detroit while my poor sister has to go

Hawaii.

You know, I'll tell you, Tamira, it may sound great, but my idea of the perfect

Thanksgiving is eating turkey at home with my family, not surfing,

hiking, snorkeling, or like... under a palm tree eating a pineapple.

Put it that way. I see what you mean.

Oh, man.

I wish I could go. Gosh, that is not fair.

I'm going to miss you, Tamera.

Yeah, same here.

Except while I'm missing you, I won't be boogie boarding.

Don't worry, Tamera. We can still have the Hawaiian experience.

I'll bring over my ukulele and my mother's downhill records.

And all you need to do is put on a couple of coconut shells and a little

miniskirt.

Roger, just because you're going to be a house guest this weekend doesn't mean I

have to acknowledge your existence.

Roger, a house guest?

My parents want to have a second honeymoon in Toledo.

Dad said he could stay with us for Thanksgiving weekend.

Lately, I've been worried about my dad's judgment.

See ya, see ya, honey. Look, look, look.

I bought a new camera so we can take lots and lots of pictures to show to our

frostbit friends and relatives.

Mom, it's me.

Don't mention it. Why, hey?

Oh, oh, Tamara, I'm sorry.

But, you know, you can go if your dad will just buy two extra tickets. I mean,

if I can afford the super saver red -eye frequent fly third class aloha special

one -time only rate, I'm sure he can.

I know.

But he would rather stay here with Tanya. Just my luck he has to find a

girlfriend. Couldn't he have stayed lonely and miserable a little longer?

Ray,

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

What?

Ray, you deserve better than that Tanya.

You're a man of feelings and depth.

Not like that Terrence.

When I dumped him, he just blithely went on with his life.

Dating women two, three at a pop.

Yeah,

I'm glad I'm not like that.

But, you know, the invitation still stands for you and Tamara to join us in

Hawaii.

Why not?

The many charms of Detroit are lost to me now.

And Tamara would love it.

You're sure there's not one chance of you and Terrence going together?

No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't want that two -timing rat back in my life for all

the money in the world. Why, he say something?

No. Figures, that bum.

Are you and that bum still getting together for the Tyson fight tomorrow?

Uh, yeah. It's okay, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I got moomoos to make.

Tamara, I know you're probably feeling let down about not going to Hawaii for

Thanksgiving. Oh, no, no. Not at all, Dad. I really want more than anything to

have a wonderful, traditional Thanksgiving at home.

In that case, I've got some bad news for you.

We're going to Hawaii.

Well, uh, lower then.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Hurry up, man. It's just starting.

Oh, yeah.

Tyson throws a left and a right. He's next. It's all over. This fight is over.

Oh, yeah. That was fun. Yeah. So, uh...

What do we do now?

Well, I guess we could sit and talk, something.

Yeah.

So, uh, how's it going with you and Tanya?

Uh, well, it's kind of sad.

It really wasn't working out, so I sort of kicked it to the curb.

Kicked it to the curb, huh?

Yeah. So how are you going to spend your holiday?

Well, I...

Thought I'd probably just... Yeah, probably, yeah, with a lovely lady, huh?

Sharing romantic words over a candlelit turkey dinner.

No, no, no. I thought I'd just spend Thanksgiving dinner with my family, you

know, making sure my nephews don't steal my car.

Family, that's great. Oh, it's great being with family. I'm glad I'm going to

with my family.

Being stuck with a woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

Sounds like you're still a little hung up on Tanya. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm glad it's over. I hope she finds somebody, another guy.

She deserves it.

Really? So it's definitely over? Oh, yeah.

Vapor. Gone. Kaput.

Oh, well. See you, Ray.

Yeah, vanished out of my life forever.

A whisk of smoke.

Dot. Toast. Adios.

Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen.

See ya.

Tamara, you told Roger we were going to Hawaii, right? Yeah, I had Tia call. Oh,

good.

Tia, you told Roger we were leaving for Hawaii, right?

Oh, yeah. Mom told him. Good.

Ma, you called Roger and told him we were going to Hawaii, right?

Ray called.

Good.

Say, Ray, you told Roger you were coming with us to Hawaii, right?

Yeah, it's all taken care of.

Mr. Campbell!

Tamara!

Well, guess I'll just wait here.

They'll be back soon.

Thanks a lot, Lisa.

We just had to stop by the beach on the way from the airport.

Aloha, you hollies.

That's hello to mainland tourists.

Who are you?

Gus Kilikamikimaka.

Oh, are you a native of Kilikamikimaka?

Oh, no.

I'm a fugitive from the mainland rat race.

Oh, what were you, accountant, lawyer, stockbroker?

I was in the rat race. You know, pest control.

Oh, rodents, bugs, typical vermin, et cetera.

Here you go. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

You just chucked it all and you moved out here?

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's quite a few famous people come out here to hide out

the islands. This is Carol Burnett, Tom Selleck, Jim Gomer Pyle, neighbors.

There's me. That's all very good. Is this where we're staying?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Number 12, the Lee Lee unit.

Hey,

you know, the Hawaiian language is so beautiful and exotic.

What do you mean?

Roughly translated, um, twelve.

Yeah, look, you're right on the beach, too.

Oh, that's great. That means we'll be able to hear the ocean at night.

Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid you won't. It's pretty much drowned out by the Humpty

Ice Machine.

Hey, you know, this is nice, but I just hope that we'll be able to have a

traditional Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.

We on the islands pride ourselves on our traditional Thanksgiving dinner right

down to the breaded shrimp poo -poo.

Who the fuck?

What?

Where did you get that piece of sacred lava?

Oh, my mom found this when we went walking on the beach. Hey, look.

You gotta put that right back.

You've disturbed the evil spirits.

That's mooka mooka taboo.

If you don't put that rock back exactly where you found it.

You all have unlimited bad luck.

Seven years like when you break a mirror? Seven years?

That's a mere bag of puka shells.

Oh, don't believe that, Hui.

Oh, watch your language, please.

Hui in Hawaiian means... I can't say it in front of the Wahine.

We're not going to have any bad luck here in Hawaii.

We'll have a great time.

I've even forgotten about, uh, Tanya.

Hi there.

Is this a Lee, Lee? Lisa!

I think something is terribly wrong.

Of all the leaky, leaky units in all the islands in the world, she has to walk

into mine.

I'll go see if there's another unit available.

Good idea.

I'll be right there, honey.

Honey?

Eric!

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here? This condo is half mine.

Oh, didn't you think I'd be coming down here? No, not since we broke up.

let some jughead keep me from diamondhead?

Now I see why you were pumping me about Tanya. So you could pick up the pieces

of my life and frolic with them down here in Hawaii.

Oh, well, the whole island is booked for the holidays. Wait a minute, Ray.

You're the one that told me you kicked Tanya to the curb. You kicked me to the

what? Uh, uh, white line.

Well,

it would be nice if somebody told the truth around here. And the truth is, we

can't all stay here, but we're staying here. You get my address? Oh, no, I

think we...

Hey!

Ray, you guys are acting like teenagers. What are we supposed to do?

Well, uh, realize, uh, aloha and all that jazz. Well, thank you, Gus, because

they were just leaving. No, we're not leaving.

Uh, oh, yes, you are. I'd stay out of this if I were you, Gus. Oh, no, I mean,

they're leaving because the luau is about to start.

Come on.

Come on, girls.

Let's go.

I'll try to be as civil as I... I can.

Yes, I can be all I want.

Frankie, they all must have gone to Hawaii.

I'm here all by myself.

Who should I call?

What are you talking about, Dial 911?

I mean, should I have a full -out rave with 200 people?

Or just a little intimate get -together with 40 of my closest friends?

I mean, how often do you get 4 ,000 square feet all to yourself?

I just heard three thumps outside.

It's either a burglar or... I'll call you back later.

Who's there?

Who's there?

Oh, Roger, it's you.

What are you doing here, Smitty?

I knew these guys were out of town, so I thought I'd bed down in the backyard.

How come you don't bed down in your usual place behind the mattress store?

Well, all they throw out now is those futons. My back can't take it.

Well, you're welcome to stay here with me.

Just for the day. Then I got to be moving on.

Hey, it's Thanksgiving.

And Mr. Campbell here, he say my door is always open.

Great. Hey, all right. Howard, come on in.

Hi.

Hi. And then he say, Roger, I'm going to kill you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you the Mookie Mookie dancers

who will perform for you some authentic ancient hulas.

Thank you, lady.

Thank you very much.

Now, don't get too close to those tiki torches. I'm not insured.

Tia, let's go get something to eat. Good idea.

Um, we'll be right back, Dad.

Yeah, bye, Mom.

Here's the pig, dude.

Hi,

guys. Hello.

I hope you guys are twins.

Otherwise, somebody spike the poi.

We're twins, all right.

I'm Tamara, and this is my sister, Tia. Cool.

I'm Baldwin. This is Barney. We're not twins. We're just buds.

So where are you lovely ladies from?

Um, we're from Detroit.

Ever visit the Chevy plant?

You girls move it, please.

We're missing a hula.

Sorry. Well, we'll see you guys around.

Yeah, I'll see you around.

Even if I saw your sister instead of you.

It'll still be like being you around.

Tia, those two guys seem like fun to hang out with. What do you think? Well,

bright spot is that eventually we will be 5 ,000 miles away from them.

That's the spirit.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Now, I'd like to slow down the pace just a little bit because...

No, it's not too good to be so active after eating so much canned fresh pork.

One, two, one, two, three.

Yes, very uncomfortable.

Well, not because you still have feelings for Ray, I hope.

No, but let me ask you this. Are you sure you're over Lisa?

I'd hate to think you arranged this Hawaiian vacation so you could just run

her accidentally on purpose.

Don't be silly, baby.

Get a little cool out here.

Lisa, you can borrow my jacket. Oh, thanks. Thank you, Terrence. You sure

how to treat a woman.

Now.

That was awfully friendly.

All right, now we would like some brave volunteers to, you know, come on up here

and look stupid doing a hula.

How about you, sir? You want to come up here and look stupid?

I think you're pretty much cornered at that market.

can play this game.

Looks like that Tanya's a

high -strung girl.

Her bark is much worse than her bite.

We'll make up later.

Man, Tanya packs a wallop.

Don't look at me.

I never expected to see her again.

Much less on the arm of my best friend. Oh, hold it, Ray. That is not my fault.

And you wouldn't have seen her on my arm at all if you hadn't been honest about

Hawaii. Honest about Hawaii? Yeah. I was wondering why you were so interested in

what I'm doing on my holidays.

Well, you told me that you were going to spend...

Thanksgiving with your family.

I don't think I fell for that one.

Boy, Tim, you never really know a man until you got bad down with him.

Will I please have some more blanket?

Gosh,

this is pretty weird. I mean, Mom's ex -boyfriend and your dad's ex -girlfriend

showing up? We're not in Hawaii. We're in the middle of Melrose Place.

Let them fight it out. We gotta start having that fun our friends at home are

jealous about us having.

barney and baldwin see there they

are who thought that rock was bad luck huh i guess the quality of luck is in

eye of the beholder hey dude don't bogart the zinc oxide hi guys remember

us either you're those twins from last night or there's four girls who look

you walking around

You righteous babes, sir?

No, not really. You know, there aren't too many bodacious waves on the Detroit

River. But we can learn.

Cool.

Hey,

Crystal. Hi, Tiffany.

You righteous babes ready?

Yeah, sure.

We're the righteous babes he's talking to. Yeah, we're ready. All right, let's

go.

only shined us on.

We simply have to get them to pay attention to us.

How?

Don't you know this is really stupid?

Pretending that we're stranded so some guys can come rescue us?

I could be home having Thanksgiving dinner with Roger.

Hey, where's the TV?

Hey, where's everything?