Original subtitles

Thanks for helping out, Roger.

Well, I think we finally got all the, uh... And

that's a nice beat.

Yeah, sounds a little like Beethoven.

Hey,

let me put a bad beat to that.

That's beginning to sound like a rum.

We're just looking for a couple of drifts.

And I think we found them.

Thank you. Thank you.

Signed in what year?

Okay, I know this.

Year was 12 -11. No, no, no.

11 -38.

Oh, that's my locker combination.

Tamira, my brain hurts.

Girl, I heard the crunching of a potato chip and it snapped me out of a deep

sleep.

What you doing up at two in the morning?

We have this big history test tomorrow.

even up to the punic wars well i don't remember the punic wars honey but i had

couple of bikini waxes that were brutal what are we gonna do well have you tried

the rhyming method what's that well you know like um let me see okay

1793 they chopped off the head of this home girl marie in

1628 the huguenots were destroyed by According to Wishaloo.

That's one of them free verses.

Hey, what's going on here?

Oh, just keep your ropes that way and everybody be happy.

Why did you girls wait for the last minute to study?

Dad, we've been studying for weeks. It's just that history goes so far back.

Come on, girls. You're falling asleep.

Yeah, Lisa's right.

I'll make a fresh pot of coffee.

We'll pull an all -nighter? Oh, it'll be fun.

Whoa, history party. Get down.

Guys, do you mind?

We have to concentrate.

Tamira, wake up! Light a garter!

Come on.

Girls, your hands are shaking. You got hefty bags under your eyes. I've never

seen you like this before. Come on now, it's time to go to bed. Oh, my God, I'm

hungry. Bed, now!

Come on. Good night's sleep is just what you need. I'll wake you up in three

hours and you can get a fresh start.

I'm so proud of those girls.

What are you doing? Putting them under so much pressure.

You put a lump of coal under pressure and you'll get a diamond.

You know what happens when you do that to a person? You get a pile of

fingernails over here, a bunch of chewed up pencils over here. And look, look at

this. They ate this whole box of cookies.

Oops. Well, that was me.

When I blink, I can see inside my brain.

How does it look?

Empty.

Tia, Tamara, you've got to go to the principal's office right away.

But we haven't even flunked the test yet.

Just go, girls. It's an emergency.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Yeah, of course.

Absolutely nothing's wrong.

Who died?

Is my dad okay?

Everything's fine, girls.

Well, then what's the emergency?

There is no emergency.

I'm busting you out of here.

Is this some weird way of telling me Grandma's dead?

Did you get off this death trip?

We're ditching. Get your stuff.

Why? Well, honey, you've been under a lot of stress. The sun is shining, and I

just spent $1 .75 worth of gas in the caddy.

Lisa, this is great. We're going to play hooky?

Hope she's talking about a car.

Now just be cool, be calm, and be inconspicuous.

And if the whole model stops us, just tell her we're the blues.

missing the point all is aren't you sweet i never did before i feel so bad

you think you're gonna get in trouble only if we're lucky

You're okay.

I forgot something down there on the ground.

What's that?

That I'm afraid of heights.

Take it easy, Mr. Campbell. I think I found the problem.

Okay. I guess we should roll up our sleeves and do whatever it is we're

to do.

Are you sure?

I don't think you want to mess up your manicure.

It's not a manicure. My nails are naturally shiny.

Right. And my hair just naturally grows like this.

Well,

we got to pull out the cross hatchet and re -cock around the chimney flasher.

Oh, how do you know how to do all this?

Well, my dad used to take me to some of his construction jobs.

Oh, I bet that gave you two guys a chance to bond.

No, but that's where I learned how to compliment women.

Dang, I need glasses and that guy needs a bra.

want to go.

The

thing

must be the wrong size.

Ma 'am, you asked for a five.

This is a small five.

I need a five that's closer to a nine and a half.

Maybe if I oil your toes.

No, that won't do any good.

Well, Can I oil them anyway?

I like your feet.

Just give me my shoes, you little freak.

Lisa, does this make me look fat?

Oh, no, Tamara, you look beautiful.

But, honey, if you're worried about being fat, just do what I do.

Stand next to a friend who's chubbier than you.

And don't be looking at me.

See, that's why Johnny can't read.

No, Mom, it's okay. It's after school.

No, I told him we had a medical emergency.

Hit the floor. Pretend you're having a heart attack.

What are we going to do?

Hide, hide.

I will.

I think

he's gone.

I didn't think anyone else did this but me.

We just beat the rain.

You know, Roger, it feels good to do a hard day's work, doesn't it?

Yeah. Feels even better to get paid for it.

You know, if professional roofers had done the job, it would have cost me, oh,

$2 ,000.

Here's $10.

Thanks. This ought to put me in a new tax bracket.

Hey, Roger, give me back my $10.

This is Mr. Campbell.

Emergency? What emergency?

They left in the middle of a test?

Well, I appreciate your concern.

No, no, no. It makes me very, very happy.

Bye.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Greg. Hi, Greg.

Hi, girls. How was the test?

your school just called.

She made us do it! They lied, Ray.

Lisa?

All right, all right. I did it, I did it. I confess.

Give me Johnny Coughlin.

Lisa, you busted them out of school in the middle of a test?

Technically, it was the beginning.

How could you be so irresponsible?

Well, the girls were about to crack. They needed a little fun.

Fun? School is not supposed to be fun.

You wouldn't know fun if it goosed you.

I know what's important in life.

You are what you are.

Huh?

Oh, what are I?

It's what am I?

You are an uptight, no -fun -having, potty -pooping stick in the mud, and

is dull mud.

Let me tell you something.

Tamara is my daughter. Mine, mine, mine. You hear me?

The whole neighborhood hears you, Ray.

Look, in the future, I don't want you interfering with the upbringing of my

child. Tamara is my child. You are not her mother, and don't you ever think you

are. Oh, well, I'm...

I am shaking.

During the next few days, our house became a war zone.

But even though there were a lot of bad feelings, our parents were mature enough

to hide their hostilities.

Dinner!

Come on, girls. Now, eat your finish. It'll make you big.

Excuse me, Tamara. I shouldn't be giving you any advice. After all, you're not

mine, mine, mine.

Mom.

Lisa, for the sake of the children, let's try and be civil to one another.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Civil's my middle name.

Would you like a little meatloaf?

Down your pants.

Thank you. It looks delicious.

What? Die.

Oh, Ray, how was your day?

Like I can.

Well, actually, what's fascinating, guess who ordered a stretch limo? The

mayor.

Why am I talking to this bozo?

Oh, that's fascinating, Ray, fascinating.

I bet he dives his head.

Yep, another day, another dollar.

Look at her. The woman's a buzzsaw.

I guess we all respect each other.

How much longer do I have to look at that ugly chicken neck?

Uh -oh.

Something got mixed up.

I knew you were faking it.

Well, I was pretending to.

the roof was okay.

I'm all right now.

Hey, I understand.

Will my father and mother get into it? Lisa is not the mother.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you last night.

You know, you do kind of look like a buzzard.

Roger. A handsome buzzard.

Come on, let's break for lunch.

Lunch? I didn't bring anything.

Really? I hate it when that happens.

That looks good.

It is. Have you ever tried one of these babies?

No. Well, you really should.

You know, this is just too much for one person.

Oh, really?

Yeah, saving the rest for later.

All you had to do was ask.

I don't know how my life got so complex.

One day I'm a happy -go -lucky guy and...

I blink and suddenly I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world. You

Roger... Roger, what are you doing?

Yeah, yeah, weight of the world.

Would you put those away?

I'm just doing a little bird watching.

Bird watching?

Right. There's a golden crested finch right in front of that naked woman.

So the cold war continued.

Dad was spending more and more time fixing the roof. And the more he fixed

the more it leaked.

Meanwhile, Mom was taking this pretty hard.

Ray's words really hurt her, and I guess she tried to relive happier days.

She tried to find inner peace on the ice.

Then she tried to find comfort, communing with nature.

But as the week went on, she got more and more depressed.

Can I talk to you?

Sure, honey.

You gotta give Lisa a break. I'd like to in three places.

That was a good one, Dad. Good one.

Oh, stop kissing up.

Dad, she just wanted us to have a little fun.

Don't you see what's happening here?

She's Miss Fun, and I'm Mr. Mr.

Dull? You need to jump in so fast.

Come on, Dad. You're fun, but you're a different kind of fun.

You're fun.

Discovery Channel's fun.

She had no right.

Dad, we're going to make up the test.

Lisa was just trying to help.

She was way out of line.

You know, I kind of like her acting like a mom. I mean, there's certain things

that are easier to talk to her about.

Name one.

Cramps.

She's wearing gravity boots. And she's hanging upside down.

You didn't tell us.

What you're doing is wrong, immoral, and I'm sure it's against the law.

Pool party?

What's the matter, Damaris?

I don't know.

I just feel funny wearing a bathing suit in front of a bunch of guys.

Oh, well, honey, maybe you're not ready.

Besides, you don't have to go to this party right now. You can always... Oh,

wait. I shouldn't be giving you advice. You better go talk to your father.

What do you mean?

Well, honey, maybe I have been overstepping my boundaries a little.

But I like it when you do that.

Yeah, but I had some time this afternoon to think about Ray when I was brushing

that horse's butt.

And I realized that he was right.

He's your father, and I have to back off.

But, Lisa. No, Tamara. Now, honey, as hard as it is for me to say this, I'm

your mother.

And, well, I got to back off. I don't like it, but...

I'm sorry for everything.

Lisa, talk to me.

You saved my baby. You are the mama. You are the mama.

Ray, did you say I was the mother?

Yeah, I guess I did.

Well, this mother's going to sue your butt.

Get me out of here.

Careful,

Mom, careful.

How are you feeling?

Anybody ask me to time, I'm ready.

How are you doing?

I'd rather suffer in silence.

Ow, ow, ow.

I'll get you some tea and aspirin.

Zap me a couple of smoky lakes.

Pull. It does the body good.

Nice

day?

You know, Ray,

That was very heroic, the way you jumped down to save me.

I don't know. I saw you in trouble, and I guess I just reacted instinctively.

Said some pretty nice things when you were pulling those bricks off my head

tossing them on my legs.

You know, maybe I have been putting the girls under too much pressure.

I was wrong, too.

Next time I get some wild idea, I'll check it out with you first.

And after you say no, I'm going to do it anyway.

I appreciate that.

I'm glad we got this co -parenting thing worked out.

You know, it's funny. We're acting like a real married couple.

Oh,

you don't have to tell us. We know it's ugly.

Tia and Tamara, principal's office.

Again? And hurry back. We're going to be discussing the economic roots of the

Roman Empire.

Goody.

Oh, my gosh, is Grandma dead again?

No, no.

I just want to show you that Lisa's not the only one who knows how to have fun

in our family. Let's go.

Dad, you're a wild man. So where are we going?

Well... First, I got to go by my orthopedic surgeon. Then I got to stop

pharmacy. After that, we're going to party.

You girls are playing hooky with the ditch master.

Mr. Campbell.

Mr. Campbell.

It's reasonable.

Oh, boy. Let's go. Come on. Excuse me.

Ditch master.

Oh, hi.

I'd like to see you in my office, Mr. Campbell.

Now.

They don't steal paddle, do they?

Will this go on my permanent record?