Original subtitles

Welcome to Family Planning 101.

In this elective, you're all going to get married and have a baby.

This is your baby.

Love it, cherish it, but don't scramble it.

This assignment will prepare you for the future by taking you through all the

joys and crises of marriage.

Now I'm going to divide the class into couples.

I want to marry Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim. Please,

come up to the altar as I pronounce you husband and wife.

Larry and Renee.

Andy and Carrie.

What are you doing?

I'm praying for Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim.

Tia and Michael.

All right.

Tamara and Roger.

Roger? Tamara, Tamara.

It worked.

How did this happen?

My prayers were stronger than yours.

So, what are you going to wear on our honeymoon?

Nothing. Me too.

What did I do?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Sidney Poitier.

Terrence's parents.

Ooh, you meeting them for the first time? Yeah.

But it's gonna be okay, right? They're gonna like me. What's not to like?

Let me get my list.

Oh, Ray.

At least it'll be fine. Just tell them what a gentleman their son is, how young

they look, and don't make that smacking noise when you eat.

What smacking noise?

You know, that dog lapping up water sound.

Lisa, the neighbors have complained.

Hi, Dad.

Tamara and I just got married.

Yeah. We had to.

What?

Dad, it's just for class.

One I wouldn't mind flunking.

Don't touch me.

Wedding night jitters, she'll get over it.

Hey, Mom, we got married today, too. And you're a grandma.

Call me that again and I will eat your baby.

Okay, the first thing we have to do is name the baby.

I definitely want a girl. That's the story of your life.

Hey, your little girl can play with our little boy.

I don't think so. I was a little boy once. I know how that mind works.

Can we just name these eggs and get it over with?

How about Humpty Dumpty?

What about Tallameca?

It's Swahili for precious flower.

That's cool. How'd you know that?

I made it up.

I name you Tallameca.

Thank you, Kunta.

Okay, now we have to assign responsibilities.

Changing the diapers, bathing the baby, feeding the baby.

That's all you said.

What? You're the woman.

Hey, you're the pig.

Dang, man, it's the 90s. Everything's 50 -50.

Roger, that's really nice.

Except for the breastfeeding. I do it, but you're better equipped.

You know, I'm still a little nervous about meeting your folks.

Oh, don't be, honey. I mean, they're going to love you just the way you are.

You're not going to wear that, though, are you?

Well, what's wrong with this?

Well, it's just that, you know, my mom and dad are God -fearing people. They're

also a little afraid of cleavage.

I'm sorry, honey, but can you try to downplay those bad boys?

Now, you know that's impossible.

And just remember, I'm just a sweet little innocent preacher son.

Yeah, and I'm little Bo Peep.

Bray, are you sad?

A little.

Well, don't bring me down.

Well, thanks for talking me off the ledge.

Right.

What's the matter?

You know, I see you and Terrence so in love.

My daughter's married and has an egg.

I guess I'm just lonely.

Come on. Let me show you something. What?

Your computer here got a great dating system.

You can find a female on your email.

Why is that so impersonal? There's 43 ,000 women in here. I like those odds.

Okay, now first we have to enter your dating profile.

Okay, Ray, describe yourself.

Well... No, that ain't it.

Now, Ray, sell yourself.

Okay, let's see.

A nice, hardworking man.

Middle -aged? Um, nice, hard -bodied man.

Late 20s.

Lisa?

Valiant -like.

Intellectual. That's the weed out of Bimbo.

With a black belt.

Lisa, that is not true. Ooh, let me add just one final.

Black Fabio?

of parenting.

Michael, where's the baby? You were supposed to be taking care of him. I've

it under control. He's taking a little nap.

The baby needs to be changed.

I cannot believe you. You are the worst father.

It's an egg, Tia.

It's not the only thing that's cracked.

Oh, we need counseling.

Look at the crib I made for Tallameca in shop class.

little Nubian princess.

She's looking more and more like you every day.

Yeah, but I gave her your butt.

Roger.

Come on.

Darling, that bouillabaisse was delicious.

Thank you.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Oh, I enjoy cooking and cleaning.

And most of all, reading my Bible from cover to cover.

I told Terrence that the woman that captured his heart must know the Lord.

Got his own number.

Amen to that.

Hallelujah.

I'm very blessed.

He's so fresh.

I haven't seen you this happy since you were a baby.

Oh, Mom, don't. Don't. Don't take out the baby pictures, please.

Oh, I just happen to have them with me.

My baby has a baby?

Ooh, let me see. Let me see.

Oh,

I mean, I'd be pleased to look.

Ten years and six months and naked as a jaybird.

Mom, please.

And look at those little dimples right on his body.

Yes.

How about dessert?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. Great idea.

Yeah. Anybody want some nice black bottom pie?

Bonnie, I'm having a wonderful time.

It's nice, isn't it?

When I get home, I'm going to kiss my computer.

Well, why don't you practice on me first?

Excuse me.

What? What's wrong?

You cut in line.

My wife was saving my place, so I parked the car.

See, just a little misunderstanding.

Get your big burly butt to the end of the line or you'll have to deal with

Who him?

And, Tabby, you don't want to get the stallion angry because he has a black

he'll snap your behind in two.

Tell him, baby.

Oh, I'm not really a stallion. No, what she meant to say was I'm a pony for

peace.

Okay, we've been married for a year. The best year of my life.

We're having a major crisis.

You've lost your job, we're homeless, and we don't have enough money to eat.

Dang, they're really trying to break your brother down.

So, what are we going to do?

Don't worry. I'll become a Chippendale dancer.

We can live off our tips.

Uh -oh, our baby's going to starve.

No, no. I'll get two jobs.

I'll do anything for you in Salamica.

Roger, I've never seen this side of you.

To know me is to love me.

Well, I think it's Tallamica's bedtime.

You're right.

Rock -a -bye, baby, on the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

to adjust to family life.

Thea, you are driving me crazy.

You think your life is more important than mine. Look, you just take care of

egg and I'll bring home the bacon.

You killed the baby.

But the egg was having an even stranger effect on Roger and me.

Hi, sweetheart.

I got a present for you.

Roger? Well, I didn't know whether to get you something practical or romantic,

so I got you something cheap.

Want to go out to dinner tonight?

Sure. I'd love to.

I mean, no.

All right, yes. No. What time? Wait.

Roger, we definitely can't go out. This is crazy.

Dang. Those hormonal changes can really mess with your head.

So, Paula, I hope you like Chinese food.

Chinese food?

Well, we can go somewhere else. No, it's... Just that my boyfriend went out

pick up Chinese food and picked up my sister instead.

Well, sounds like you're better off without him.

You're right.

See, every cloud has a silver lining.

You said cloud?

Yeah.

I used to date a weatherman and he left me for my aunt.

A lot of love in your family.

Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay.

Listen, I mean, we all carry emotional baggage around.

Baggage? Did you say baggage?

Uh, not necessarily.

I used to date a sky cat.

And he left you for your cousin.

How did you know?

I guess I'm psychic. I dated a psychic!

Honey,

it's gonna be okay.

I just don't think I made a very good first impression.

Don't worry. Listen, after church, we'll all go out for some black bottom pie.

Terrence, I'm not laughing.

I have to do something to let your parents know I'm a good Christian woman.

It's going to be okay.

Oh, wait a minute, babe. You got some linen on your pants.

Uh,

I was just, he had, oh, help me, Jesus.

blessed to be in the house of the Lord.

Amen. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Have you ever been so discouraged that you didn't know what to do?

Amen.

Not well.

Well, remember what Isaiah 40, 31 says.

They who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.

And they shall mount up with wings like eagles.

The sister knows her Bible.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.

If you start speaking in tongues, I'm out of here.

I think about it, I feel terrible.

You feel terrible?

I had back -to -back dates with Rosemary's Baby and the Demon Seed.

Oh, the black Fabio had a bad time?

How hard could it be to find a woman who likes Chinese food?

I love Chinese food. A good movie. Go all the time. And enjoys a good laugh.

What's so funny?

You just described me.

Yikes!

You think you're having a bad day. Today I destroyed an entire church.

Now somebody try and top that.

Well, my marriage to Michael's on the rocks.

Not even close.

I think I'm in love with Roger.

Reverend and Mrs. Winningham, hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry about what happened. I hope no religious artifacts were destroyed.

Hey, Dad, I saved the bingo board.

Hey, honey.

Oh, I guess I was trying so hard to impress you I wasn't acting like myself.

Please don't hate me. Oh, we don't hate you. We fear you, but we don't hate you.

I mean, I've been moved by the spirit before, but this is the first time I

leveled a building.

Oh, it's okay.

Sometimes a catastrophe brings people closer to God. And thanks to you, our

membership is way up.

Really?

Oh, that's great.

Maybe I should join. No, no, no.

All right, class. It's time to pick up your certificates of completion.

It's funny how marriage can change people.

Tia and Michael almost broke up, but were saved by their dramatic makeup

Sorry for being a pig.

Sorry for being an egg.

As for Roger and me, we had a lot of things to figure out.

Honey, our baby's gone.

It's so funny how quickly they grow up.

tell, Tallameca? Roger, the assignment's over.

Let's talk about something else.

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's time to get on with our lives.

So, how was your history test?

Oh, man, it was so rough. When I got my grade, I cried like a baby.

Tallameca, I miss you.

You know, Roger, without the baby, we don't seem to have very much in common.

Yeah, all we have is that raw hot...

In my mind, we did.

Roger, move your hand.

The one on my knee.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Roger, thank you.

For what?

For being your old, annoying self.

The spell's broken.

I'm free!

Wait, wait.

It can't be over. Please don't say it's over.

Whenever I... hear Rockabye Baby, I'll think of you.

going out tonight?

Huh? Just ask me one question.

Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

No more psycho women for me, Lisa.

This time, I told the truth.

And you got a date?

Yes, Lisa.

And I've already got a call from a nice, intelligent woman. And I could tell by

talking to her that we have a lot in common.

And she's picking me up.