Original subtitles

High school is full of a thousand different fears that can strike at any

And we're not even counting the mystery meat in the cafeteria.

You can be terrified to ask for a date.

You can be terrified of having a bad hair day.

Or you can just be terrified of life.

But the granddaddy of all high school terrors is the SATs.

And to deal with this impending doom, some of us took the high -tech highway.

Some of us took the spiritual road.

Some of us took the studious approach.

And then there was me.

Okay, girls, one more vocabulary word.

Conflagration. Oh, isn't that something that comes out of your nose?

Conflagration means fire.

That's right, dear.

Oh, conflagration. That means fire.

Well, you girls ready for those SATs?

Yeah, I'm just doing some last -minute drilling.

At this point, Lisa, I don't think it does much good to cram.

What you know is, well, what you know.

Oh, man, I'm in trouble.

There's our bus. Good luck, girls. I know you're going to do well.

Take it easy. You don't need any extra pressure.

Just go in there and be dauntless. That means positive and confident.

Yeah, don't wait.

And don't exacerbate your worries by doing anything in Congress.

Yeah, what Ray said.

Exacerbate means to worsen, and Congress is not fitting.

Uh -huh, that's onomatopoeia, words that sound like what they are.

Yeah. Buzz, buzz, chirp, chirp, beep, beep. Bye -bye.

If two buses meet at point A at the same time, and one... Let it go, Mr.

Grandman. Yeah.

This is all up to them, ma 'am. Yeah.

Oh, this is so exciting.

My baby's so smart, she'll probably end up at Harvard.

That's how they say that there, Ray.

Harvard.

Well, it'd be great to go to an Ivy League school.

Yeah. I hope Tia remembers her geometric equations.

I just hope Tamara remembered her pencil.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Doug.

Hey!

Watch your hands, you little spider head.

No, no. I was just trying to get into my locker. If I was going to touch it, I

didn't want to be your gorgeous girlfriend.

You talking about woman, boy?

No, no.

I'm a dog. I gotta go chase the car now.

Bye.

He must have one ugly mother.

Nobody talks about my mama.

Oh, man, what did I just do? I think I just had a psychotic episode, but I'm

better now.

What's your problem, maggot?

Right now, breathing.

Let's just see how smart you are when I rip out your spleen.

You don't have to rip it out. I'll just give it to you.

I'll see you after school.

Don't try to hide, because I know where you live.

Yeah, well, you better run, you punk.

Okay, student, we will now begin the SAT.

Remember to read the instructions for each section carefully.

Now turn over your test booklet and begin.

Tia, do you have an extra pencil?

I'm so nervous, I hope I don't get a zero.

You get 200 points for just getting your name right, Tamara.

Tamara?

But you know Arlene Davidson?

The plumber's truck has been parked outside her house at lunchtime all week

long.

Hey, somebody had to unplug her drain.

Lisa, you sure are doing some fancy stitch work. Is that for you?

Well, I don't want to jinx it.

But tomorrow I'm going to try and sell some of my dresses at that new boutique,

Marjay's. They ought to snatch it right up.

Shoot, I'd like to step into this one myself.

Honey, you'd have to be catapulted into this one.

Hi. Bye.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on in.

Everybody, say hello to Ray.

Hi, Ray.

Hi, everybody.

I hope you don't mind. It's him and Hawk Club night.

Because tonight we do more whoring than heming.

Well, I guess I must be heaving. I'm leaving.

Oh, well, you're welcome to join us if you'd like. There's plenty of room right

here. You can help me tat my darlings.

Uh, thank you, but I'm all tatted out.

Bye.

Oh, Lisa, he's a real cutie pie.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind having a slice of him out of the mold.

I'm sorry. Oh, Roger.

Okay, I'm hiding out.

See, I went crazy and pushed this bully at school.

Now he wants to kill me. Poor baby.

Well, Roger, these bullies, they thrive on fear.

If you stand up to him, he'll back down.

He once beat up a Buick.

Roger, get back in that basket.

What ever possessed you to mess with this monster boy?

He said something bad about my mother.

Yo, Mama.

That is the law.

Come here, baby.

Oh, come on.

Oh, please.

Look, Roger, just use your wits. You're smart.

You're crafty. You can outrun it.

Or maybe I'll just hide out right here.

During the next few weeks, Roger used his wits, his cunning, and his ingenuity

to avoid Doug Mangler.

But we had our own worries as we awaited... results of the SATs.

Okay Tia, this is it.

I can't wait to see what you got.

And the winner is...

I better make it a slow dance.

Oh, come on, honey. 1080 is not that bad.

It's... It's in the 68th percentile.

Oh, come on. Hey, that means when you walk down the street, there's 68 people

you can feel superior to.

Oh, yeah, and what about the other 32?

They probably butt ugly.

Oh, I'm never gonna get into Harvard.

Oh, honey, the only people that do good on these tests are snotty -nosed...

My baby's a genius.

Tamera, what did you get?

1510. Can you believe it?

Of course we believe it. You a smart girl.

Tamera, that puts you in the 96th percentile group.

That means when you walk down the street, you're better than... Ray, Ray,

already crunched those numbers, okay?

Well, T, if I got 1510, you must have gotten a perfect score.

Just what she got. Hey, who wants dinner?

I got you an 80.

You did?

Oh, well, um, that's still good, Tia.

Hmm. We've already decided that scores are not the important thing. The

important thing is how you feel inside.

Who cares about scores?

Congratulations, Tamir.

Tamir, I'm happy for you. Me too. I am so happy.

Even though it's not that important.

No, it's not that important.

But it's nice.

Oh, yeah, it's real nice.

But not important.

No, definitely not important.

You know, for the first time in my life, I really did well on a test.

I feel dauntless.

That means... I know what it means.

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah. It happened, and somehow I'm just going to have to accept this.

There's got to be a mistake.

Are you sure there's no mistake?

What you don't understand, I'm a smart one. I'm the one who knows what

conflagration means.

I'm sorry, Tia. I've got another appointment.

Appointment.

Rendezvous. Trist. Affirmation. You're bruising my arm.

Bruising. Contusion.

Excuse me, I'd like to speak to Marjay.

I am she.

Well, I am me.

Lisa Landry, designer of Haute Couture.

Oh, what house are you with?

The House of Pancakes.

Let me show you one of my dresses. I really don't have the time.

Well, look, it's 10 .30. Now, see this dress?

This dress is perfect to just dance the night off.

and it's wrinkle -free so you'll be styling when you make that walk of shame

your car the morning after. And with this dress, there will be a morning

I'm sorry, Miss Landry, but the margé woman has a special je

ne sais quoi.

Well, this dress has quoi up the yin -yang.

Oh, darling, that dress.

Heads will turn.

Yeah. the other way.

Well, Miss Landry, I believe our business here is complete.

Well, I got a lot of other stuff I can show you. Come on out to my trunk.

Perhaps your fashions would be more suited for, say, Ikea.

Ikea doesn't sell clothes.

Precisely.

Oh, that was cold.

Philosopher Descartes.

I think, therefore I am.

I should have started thinking years ago.

Tamir, who are you coming up with all this stuff?

The library.

It's amazing.

It has all kinds of books.

And you know what?

They give you this little card, and you could take the books home.

Remember you used to steal my lunch money in the fifth grade?

I can see it went to good use.

Anyway, Doug Mangler wants to kill me.

You're toast, little man.

I know.

Listen, I was wondering if you'd consider being my bodyguard. I want them

pay. How much?

I can give you my allowance for the next four weeks. I get $8 a week, so that

will be $12. How about it?

Okay.

You're one sharp limb.

So when can you start? Start what?

Being my bodyguard. Hey, you just asked me to consider it. I did, and the

answer's no.

But my money.

Why don't you go cry to your hairy -chested mama?

Nobody talks about my mama's hairy chest.

Oh, man, I gotta get some Prozac.

Pringles will.

Once I was so depressed, I ate two tennis balls before I realized they

even Pringles.

Honey, I know that you got C's on your last couple of tests.

You know, what's the point of studying?

We used to get all A's before those stupid SATs. Mom, accept it.

I'm not as smart as we thought.

Oh, Tia, come on. Now you can't let just one little thing make you feel bad

about yourself.

Like that Marjane lady at the boutique. I ain't give her a second thought. With

her danger and her bad breath and that gussied -up wart she calls a beauty

But see, Tia, the point is, our lives are grumbling around this baby.

Oh, what a great day.

Oh, happy Pappy's home.

Look here.

I got some college brochures for Tamara.

Here's one from Howard, Wellesley, Harvard. I mean, Harvard.

Not that that's important.

Oh, it's okay, Ray. We're all happy for what's on there.

Look, I'm sorry. I've been carrying on like this. It's just that Tamara's

getting so smart, and boy, I'm so proud I could burst.

Yeah, well, clean up after yourself.

Yellow. Huh?

Yes? I understand.

Thanks for calling.

No, no, no!

Ray, Ray, what is it?

The school computer mixed up Tia and Tamara's SAT scores.

Break the news to Tamara.

Well, maybe we don't even have to tell her.

I have to.

I'm her father. I have to be there for her.

I'll give you 20 bucks to tell her.

I didn't think so.

Congratulations to you.

Thanks, Ray.

Sorry about Tamara.

Yeah, I'm really sorry, too.

I'm not smiling. This is a spasm, you know.

bad for tamera yeah it's a sad sad day but baby you hot

and you're going to have it

tamera

dad did you know that one of the great pyramids in egypt had to be totally

destroyed and reconstructed Because it was built facing the wrong astronomical

constellations? Well, I hope they paid him overtime.

Oh, Dad, you're so insouciant.

Yeah, that's me.

Anyway, I just got a call from your school.

Do they want me to tutor?

Not exactly, honey. It seems there was a mistake with your SAT score.

I scored higher?

Well, not quite. A little lower.

Like 1 ,500?

Lower. 1 ,499?

Lower. I don't like this game.

Honey, they mixed up your score with Tia's.

Oh, man, I knew this was too good to be true.

Well, 1080 is not that bad.

Dad, I feel... What's the big word for yucky?

Oh, come on, Tamara, you can take the test again.

I thought I was smart.

Oh, and you were.

Are.

It's like those people who built that pyramid.

I mean, they thought they were doing a great job, and they were.

And then they found out they had made a few mistakes, so they had to undo all

their work, stone by stone, and start over. And when they finished, the work

good, and they were happy.

I don't get the analogy.

There is no analogy.

But the important thing is, you know what analogy means.

Two weeks ago, you just would have said, huh?

Well, I proved that I'm stupid.

Sweetheart, don't ever say you're stupid.

Could a stupid person get an A on a math test?

I was just lucky.

No, no. Those SATs made you feel more confident. You've always been smart. You

just never thought you were.

Dad, I feel so bad.

I know, honey. I know.

I feel so pretty.

Hi, handsome.

Oh, I got you. You're mine.

Gina, and this is sexual harassment.

You're not getting away this time. Outside, now. Move it, butthead. He's

Man, you gonna take that from him?

Hey, get out of my face.

Did you hear what he said?

was getting back to normal.

Tia got smarter.

E equals MC squared.

Shut up, Tia.

And Roger was safe to walk the streets again.

Hey, guys. Looking good.

As for me, round two.

I decided to take the SATs again.

Turn over your test booklet and begin.

I studied. I had more confidence.

Have an extra pencil.

Some things never change.

Good afternoon.

Oh, it's you. I told you. Now, look here. I just came by here to tell you I

don't need you.

I know my work is good and that my designs appeal to women of style, taste,

elegance, who you wouldn't recognize if they spit on you.

And as far as I'm concerned, Marjay, your stuff here looks like it comes from

Tarjay. Okay, okay.

I'm going to take my dresses to other places, fine places. I would never, ever

do business with you.

Darling, that dress is fabulous.

Make the check out the cash.