Original subtitles

When I met Lana, I thought she was the one and she was.

The most amazing girlfriend I ever had.

And the kinkiest.

You wouldn't believe the sex toys she's got in her dresser drawer.

Anyhow, we'd been seeing each other for a few months when her parents thought it

was time for meet -the -family dinner. So, Noel, Lana tells me you two are

thinking of moving in together.

Yeah, we talked about it, sure.

I hear you're still looking for work.

I was trapped.

Sitting there in front of her entire family while her hard -ass father gave

the third degree about having no job, no life plans, and not a hell of a lot to

offer Lana.

Maybe that was true.

But I was also the guy holding the remote to his daughter's vibrating

I'm sorry, the remote to... Her vibrating panties.

We were goofing around earlier and forgot she still had them on.

But then I remembered.

And it felt like the perfect time to hit the button.

How did Lana feel about that? Are you kidding?

It was like having sex right there in front of her uptight family.

Lana was totally into it.

Until... What's that you've got there, Noel?

Well, this?

This is... Uh,

Larry, this is an electromagnetic pulsar.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, to relieve muscle tension. Pain.

One nice long push of the button and, uh... Everyone seemed to buy that.

But then my mom asked... Would that work for my lumbago?

I don't see why not.

And suddenly, Grandma wants a turn.

Oh, and for my arthritis?

It sounds like you were taking an almost cruel enjoyment in this. Hang on, here

comes the climax.

Let me have a go.

No, Dad, don't even bother. It doesn't really work. Sure it does.

Works like a charm. Larry, go ahead.

I feel better.

Me too.

I don't feel a thing.

Keep pressing it.

It'll come.

Good turkey.

Come on, that's funny.

It's me.

Actually, Noel, what was the erotic point of your story?

Well, obviously.

Look, she got the secret orgasm in public she craved.

Just not the way she expected it.

Or was the erotic thrill getting off on humiliating your girlfriend in front of

her family?

No. No, I was in love with her.

The moment presented itself.

I ran with it. That's all. Are you sure you weren't trying to sabotage your

relationship? I'm not the one that asked to play second fiddle to a drawer full

of sex toys.

We take the book interactive.

Readers test their confessions against the virtual Peyton Ben and come up with

their own erotic instinct score.

Is this a stroke of genius or what?

Stroke.

Erotic instinct workbook.

Only you would think of something like that. Yeah, and the best part is... The

erotic instinct.

Oh, hi, babe. Yeah, can you hold one sec?

The best part?

I want you working on it. Under me, of course.

Under you, Mr. Banks.

Can't help myself.

Oh, hi. Hi.

How's this?

Noel may have been in control of the remote, but he was never in control of

relationship. I don't want it in the book, the misogyny of it.

Creepy glee in his voice as he described her own father.

But you're getting hung up on the details. The real point is how he used

sabotage his relationship.

Oh, Kate.

Dr. Goldfinger called.

It's Goldman.

Either way, the man with the Midas touch. He said he'd be a little late for

dinner at your place.

Dinner at your place?

Intimate. Stella, write messages down.

Then give them to me. That way they remain confidential.

Ah, reminds me. Olivia wants to have a dinner at our house.

You guys, Jody, Gavin, you know, my gang.

No, the old coming out as a couple dinner?

I wouldn't call it that.

My friend from there, it's just a hop and a skip to the 2 .2 kids in the house

in the burbs.

So, uh, what night?

Uh, I don't know yet.

Well, check with the chief whenever she wants it. You can count us in.

Not together, per se. Obviously, you'll be with Michael.

Michael!

Michael? Michael? Michael?

Scare up a date, if you can.

You too, Kate.

Bring Goldfinger.

The great thing about having unpacked my whole life again is that I know exactly

where everything is.

Good thought.

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Kate is the sun.

Right, I'm on a balcony.

You think you're so clever.

I must be. I convinced you to have me to dinner.

Do you always say the exact right thing at the exact right moment?

Only to the exact right person.

I mentioned the dinner idea at the office, so I guess we gotta go through

it.

Gotta go through with it.

Such torture.

So, how's living together so far?

I love it.

And this is what it's like? I'll, uh...

Quiet and domestic?

Pretty much, yeah.

It's because I don't have a lot of experience.

It's more relaxing than I thought it would be.

Really, you find it relaxing?

Extremely.

All I did was follow a recipe.

That's nowhere near all you did.

What?

See, normally as the first home -cooked meal winds down, the bed is not directly

visible to the courting couple.

It is a bit conspicuous, isn't it?

Adrian. Yes?

Tonight's been wonderful.

But I don't want to blow this by rushing into things.

Does that make sense?

Whatever makes sense to you is fine by me.

Thank you for a wonderful dinner.

You're really okay with this?

It's not to be okay with.

You've just confirmed we're on the verge of something meaningful.

I guess I did, didn't I?

Yes.

So? You don't rush perfection.

You can dry.

So, uh, what's it like dating a guy we call a mistress anyway?

It's like dating a really wonderful man whose company I immensely enjoy. Thank

you for asking.

Just to dignify your filthy question with the kind of answer you're looking

But Kate, all kidding aside, we are all friends and you're a sexologist, so why

don't you just cut to the chase and tell us what we want to know.

Okay, look.

The gynecologist and I have not had sex yet, so I'm in no position to tell

whether there's anything special or technically superior in his approach to

anyone else's.

Okay?

How many dates and still no sex?

This must be serious.

I thought you were in love -em -and -leave -em mode.

Look at her.

Look at her face.

She's met the one.

Kate, is Adrian the one?

He might be.

Wonderful party.

Thanks. Olivia's doing well for you.

I think you got lucky.

You look lucky, too.

Hey, can't you guys keep the shop talk in the office, huh? It's always sex,

sex with you.

Who's your date?

She looks familiar.

Yeah, well, you know, she's got one of those faces. One of those, uh, you've

seen me before faces.

She was one of our subjects.

Kidding.

Small world.

I thought she looked familiar.

The one with the leather kink.

Weird. I've had this for years.

How many of those tapes did you watch?

So you scuba the Red Sea?

I just look at fish too glad.

Well, I am a dive master.

I could take you out if you like.

Hey, I'd love that.

What do you think, Kate?

Rearrange a little diving part?

Does it ever stop?

You're just so accomplished.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Fish 9 -1 -1. Stella, I gotta go.

What? It's my client in Caledon.

The Australian scribbled angelfish breeder.

Ketodontoplus dubule?

Yeah, he had a saline crash. We're talking, like, major die -off here.

Okay, it's Saturday night. Can you not phone?

No, Michael's right. This could be some kind of aquatic armageddon.

Better take my Porsche.

Oh, thanks.

Sorry, babe.

Are you coming back?

Barely get a rise out of him, but some fish doesn't get fed.

They look so great together.

I think it's too early for the sweet.

We're having sweets?

Yeah, and coffee and tea. We talked about that. You talked about that.

God, I love being pregnant when the food is so great. You guys really know how

to put on a spread.

To the woman who tamed the wild man.

Oh, I wouldn't say tamed.

Sedated, maybe.

Got my pre -beat. What?

Martine. You met her.

Charles is dead.

She's not into him.

Come on. You owe me. You promised.

And there's that issue of timing.

I'm one condition.

Damn it, Jodi.

You agree to the freebie when I want the freebie, spring the conditions?

Fine. What?

I can't kiss her?

I can't use my left hand?

Tell me.

I get to watch.

We

were

joking earlier that this is our premium as a couple.

The critics are out.

Will he be a hit or close after one night?

And that came from you, not Ben, right?

Oh, his idea of a party metaphor.

Adolescent mole rats in cramped quarters devouring each other.

Olivia, maybe you and I should, I don't know, have dinner some night.

I would love to.

Great.

Are we doing this week's thing?

Getting them.

What's going on?

The truth.

I have chest pains. I can't breathe.

I feel like an adolescent mole, right?

Don't you dare, Wallace.

You two belong together.

Don't you think so?

You can't rush a perfection.

Relax.

All

right.

I'm not sure it's any of my business. I'm having fun. Are you having fun?

I'm having a great time. Great. We're all having a great time.

Sugar crash.

We got to go on in. I'll say goodbye to Olivia.

You can stay.

Yeah, you know, I think it's time I pack it in, too. Yeah, me too.

Bella, we can drop you off. Oh, no, no. You don't even have your car.

Can we head away?

Yeah, my chariot awaits.

Ben,

we can stay if you want.

Don't worry. Save yourselves.

I'm fine, really. You go.

Thanks for coming.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

To the light of God, but there's nothing to say.

Now, woman, what could I do?

It's a pleasure without you.

You know my world will never be the same.

You're everything.

You're my place to be.

Ain't no doubt in my mind.

I love the way you're taking me with the own ecstasy.

Listening so high, I feel like I'm flying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every little thing you do, you always even know how to do.

Goodbye to all of my self -pity.

Yeah.

You're more than amazing.

You're perfect.

What is it?

You've got a retrograde.

Yes.

Olivia.

You go first. You go... I...

This couple thing is suffocating me.

That's what I was going to say. I know.

You're feeling suffocated? I thought you wanted this.

Well, I don't want this.

You want me to move out?

No.

No.

Ben, whatever this is, it isn't us.

I mean, this is you and me.

Worrying about what us is supposed to mean, that's what's suffocating.

So how do we stop?

Well, we agree that we're both free to go anytime.

So we'd be like a couple who knows it could fall apart at any second?

If we didn't keep each other happy.

That'd keep us on our toes.

We'd have to be extremely vigilant, keep each other from straying.

What was all the competition out there?

I'm glad we cleared the air.

You want coffee?

No.

So, Gavin got his freebie.

I got to participate. He's happy. I'm happy. And now we can move forward

this cloud always hanging over our heads.

You did not hear a word of that.

I'm sorry.

Well, no.

since your head's so obviously in last night.

How was it?

He told me I had a retroverted uterus.

He examined you?

While we were making love.

He shot Hawk in bed.

He said sometimes he has trouble leaving work at the office.

Hops and kettles and what they call each other, Kate.

I know, but he dissed my uterus.

So? One small slip and an otherwise flawless man?

What do you mean, never again?

I was drunk.

God, how could I do something like this to Michael?

What I can't believe is what you did to me. I mean, that was the charts.

How can you say no to something so amazing?

Leave me alone.

Oh, come on, Stella. Now.

I guess this is what comes of...

Making decisions in a split second instead of thinking them through.

Lana broke up with you?

Can you blame her? I made her dad make her cum.

This is the woman I wanted to grow old with.

And instead all I've got are a bunch of useless, happy photos.

And those stupid panties.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, she left them behind.

A reminder of all the things I'm never going to do with her again.

It's amazing how close some of these confessions cut to home, huh?

I hope we're not talking about your home. Remember when you warned me not to

blow it with Olivia?

I did.

And then somehow it was okay.

Olivia saved me from myself.

That's great.

At least you'll never do that with Adrian.

Adrian is great, isn't he?

He's perfect.

He's available.

You broke it off?

Are you insane?

Any man who could say what he said when and where he said it isn't a man I want

inside my life.

Poor bastard.

Sex must be a real minefield for gynecologists.

What'd he say?

Let's just say he made an observation that killed it for me.

Besides, all that perfection, I think I'd end up feeling even more flawed than

already do.

You think he said whatever he did to sabotage the relationship?

You think he was trying to get out of it?

On the other hand, maybe he made a little mistake and you ran with it for

reasons of your own. You think I sabotaged it? I was perfectly justified.

couldn't keep... Sometimes I hate you.

On the other hand, maybe he just wasn't perfect enough where it counted.

Oh, yeah.

I'm trying to turn you off. God, the harder you try, the more you turn me on.

That's so nice.