Original subtitles

Scream out loud.

Oh, it's a dog. I'm on fire. So tell me again. You didn't desire all my charity.

Show me again.

Oh, c 'est bon.

That's so good.

C 'est bon.

That's so nice.

Remind me to write a big check.

To the Humane Society.

Come to pop.

Hey, did you get that?

Oh, you like?

That was my day?

Uh -huh.

Birthday present.

I was thinking of getting another one in my... What the hell is that?

You like? They never had that move when we were going out.

Carolyn taught this boy a few new tricks.

Remind me to think, Carol.

All right, sexpert, so why does Polly

keep eating this cracker?

Polly, you said this wasn't the first time you rendezvoused with your old

boyfriend. Have these get -togethers ever led to you resuming your

Oh, God, no. We're a disaster as a couple.

Really bad.

Any changes after you and Sonny got together?

Well, I was both moving with my boyfriend.

We broke up.

Has this scenario ever played out before? A relationship that ends after a

hookup with Sonny? You know, I think I'm too young to settle down just yet.

I've got a place for you to settle down, Pauly baby.

It's called my faith.

You and Sonny met a couple of times between boyfriends?

A few.

Had sex with Sonny since you had sex with the new boyfriend?

I don't need to.

Oh, my gosh.

Sonny was like my, my, um... Safety net.

No interruption to the reproductive programming goes against our nature. So

Polly's genetically predetermined to be a ganky hoe. Hey!

Ben's being simplistic and you're being a jerk. It's clear Polly hasn't examined

the patterns in her own behavior.

And no foul there. We're often the last people to really know ourselves.

Or maybe Polly's just a garden -variety cheater, but she'd be off the hook if

she read your book.

I beg your pardon? Come on, kids. Your book is an instruction manual on how to

screw around and get away with it. I loved it!

Cheaty, cheaty cheaters. It's so full of cheaters, I wanted to run out and get

married. Are you married?

Well, it wouldn't go there.

Hey, you.

Oh, look, he's cheating on us right now, walking out like that.

On the upside, now we can get naked.

You go first, Kate.

Call me Dr. Langford.

Dr. Langford. Very sexy. Should I cough for you? Let me just tell you, Dr.

Langford, that I'm not one of those guys who's threatened by a hottie who's

smarter than he is. Lucky for you, or you'd have to stop ordering in

restaurants. Oh, feisty. I like that.

And obviously you are intimidated by smart women because you clearly haven't

read the book. It is not a manual on how to cheat. So cute that you think that.

But over half the confessions had to do with cheating, and I loved it when Ben

said that most of this adultery can be explained away by biological urges.

What's that?

I think that I remember you saying that the cheating was because of earlier

psychological conditioning, which means they can't be blamed.

Where did you get this?

Jack. Have you seen this?

It's a cheat sheet that says the book says any sexual behavior can be excused

biology or psychology. That's what I think. No fault fooling around. Does

get any better than this?

Dave, you are on the air.

Yes, hello.

I have a question for Dr. Langford.

Kate. Could we please talk about when you're moving your stuff out of my

David, you have this lovely lady's stuff at your place and you want to get rid

of it? What is the problem?

It's a long story. She cut you off, David. You've been baptized!

Hey, I wanted to thank you for showing up today. A lot of serious academics

won't. Well, that's why you got us.

Not your usual gig, I guess.

Being humiliated on air? Not exactly.

Please, it was me who humiliated myself.

You handled the callers beautifully.

Careful, methodical questioning.

Some real revelations.

I think the real revelation is that our new publisher doesn't understand a word

of our book.

Not much you can do about the intentional fallacy.

Who are you?

Ogden Brunt.

MA in English lit, failed novelist, and as you can see, professional split

personality. I don't know how professional you are. Find that over

Not with the radio guy. I don't take him anywhere.

I think you want to date whoever wrote this book, not my book, so let's not

bother.

My book.

Like I wasn't even there.

You weren't there. I felt completely abandoned.

Is this the fallout from City Hall, all men abandon you? Nails are abandoners.

Off the top of my head, the rhesus, the bonobo, the capuchin, all primates who

set up house and then beat their hasty retreat.

You care enough to quote.

These figures are fiction.

It's clear Chaz hasn't even read the book.

On the other hand, half of those callers thought the same thing as Ogden.

God, we are living inside an intentional fallacy.

Where I come from, most fallacies have intentions.

Intentional fallacy. It means we may be the authors of the book, but we don't

decide what it means. Readers do.

Olivia thinks the book is more of a... Oh, shit, I said I'd call her back.

Olivia? From three weeks ago, Olivia?

I'm not keeping track.

My, my, my. Does your local chapter of the big old flat association know about

this? Hey, it's me calling you back.

I repeat, this is your local... So that was weird when David called.

Your pathetically obvious segues need work.

No to your avoidances of the question.

Seriously, how are you?

The live at the altar breakup must be tough to deal with. Things are fine.

David called because he can't stand that my book is doing better than his.

Our book.

That's why he's calling you live on the radio?

I'm a little late moving out my stuff.

Hey, maybe you could shock off with Olivia and give me my apartment back.

not exclusive.

I was joking.

Mr. Sensitive.

So you're still single. Just like you.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Yeah.

All right, well, I'll see you tonight.

I can't believe David called you on the air like that. Are you okay? I'm fine.

We've moved on. There's nothing to discuss.

Wasn't Ogden obnoxious?

He sounded cute.

Yeah, well, he's not.

But who cares? He's got a 77 share in that time slot. We couldn't buy better

advertising. And we didn't have to. You two geniuses. I could kiss you both.

Although, you could have mentioned the book title a little more often.

Are you sure you know the book title, Jack?

They love the bit with the fake boyfriend calling in. When did you come

that? When did you come up with this? Just because a few of our case studies

happen to stray? That's 68 % of them, an almost equal split between the men and

the women.

Hear that, Stella?

The ladies stray as much as the men do.

Goose, gander, et cetera.

Cheating wasn't the main thing.

Really?

Page 212 of your book, and I quote, it appears that adultery can be all things

to all people.

An aphrodisiac to ask to place an old relationship, a jackhammer to break one

up, a litmus test for the strength of existing bonds. And damn hot, that too.

All right, we did write that, but it's just one paragraph in the book.

Tell me, Kate, are you familiar with the term intentional fallacy?

A little.

See, whatever you guys meant, our marketing division says that people

the everything is permitted by.

There's no such vibe.

Well, maybe you didn't know what you were putting out.

Putting out.

Right. I was unconscious while I was writing. I don't know anything about

myself.

What? What'd you get?

Let's see, shall we? I don't know myself?

That's what you think?

Sometimes other people are more perceptive about you than you are about

yourself. They might be more perceptive, but I'm more rich.

Suddenly all that self -ignorance doesn't look so bad, does it?

Reread your book, Dr. Langford, because this is the one I bought.

And it's what you two are writing again.

How could Chaz be right?

It'll be ten years from now.

What? I'll admit it, you love it.

What? Can you swear I do love it?

Yours. Look who's talking.

Coffee? Sure.

So, how are you doing?

I heard David's call on the radio.

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

I do know a little something about emotional resilience.

Gavin won't take his freebie.

I beg your pardon? His freebie. You remember where he gets to fuck somebody,

repercussions, and then we're finally even about my little you -know. But he

won't pick somebody because he finds tormenting me a bigger turn -on.

I'm sure that's not true.

Why won't my husband just let the past be the past and fuck somebody?

Jody, what is this about?

Don't you know?

Well, actually, hon, we mostly use it as a marital aid.

When we used to have sex.

Some of those stories.

But what was your overall impression of the book's message?

Well, I guess sex is good, even if it's a little unusual.

And you shouldn't feel guilty about anything because it's not your fault.

either nature or nurture.

But, I mean, that's probably me just reading it like that.

No, I just finished reading it like that, and now I know why people think

cheating manual.

That wasn't what I wanted to write.

Well, maybe you were writing what you wished was true for you.

You know?

Guilt -free sex with Ben while you're still with David.

Please. It's what you wanted won.

Morning is the second staff meeting that I've canceled in a row.

Amateur.

Oh, and your life is so totally under control.

Absolutely. So when you answered the phone, well, you were on the radio.

You knew I was on the air.

Were you testing me?

Oh, I just thought it might be fun to see.

You are very bad.

Girl, who needs to be spanked?

I love that you answered.

This has been kind of intense.

Yeah.

We've been together every night this week.

So you think we should cool a little bit?

Get some of our lives back?

See other friends?

Friends?

I mean, we only just met.

Well, sure. I mean, it's not like we're exclusive, right?

So you're cool?

Yeah.

Totally cool.

So what's your script, anyway?

Father, no ambition, underdog fantasies, ugly guy?

I'm kidding, I just... Seriously, though, if it's weak you want, I can do

I'm helpless, and I need the love of a good woman.

Does that work for you?

Too bad obnoxious doesn't work for me, Mr. Banks.

Chaz?

Yeah?

The abstract you asked for? Oh.

Uh, moving forward, examining outlaw sexual practices, new theories in social

biology. My eyes glaze it over.

What did you have in mind?

Well, how about, like, the first book, but hotter?

Here's the thing. I've reread the book, and you may be right about the vibe. I

know. Isn't it great?

I think the abstract identifies a clear through -line for... Whoa, point,

Dexter. You think changing the book is going to change your history?

I beg your pardon?

Da -da -da -da, da -da -da -da.

Tough break.

You okay?

We're not talking about my personal life.

We're ascertaining that the new book will not be an everything -goes cheating

manual.

Find anything good?

We cannot let Chaz tell us what the new book is about.

Apparently he knows what we wrote better than we do.

That intentional fallacy thing?

Remind me not to teach you any more lit, Chris.

I can't rewrite this. It doesn't represent what I believe in.

So what would?

Why don't I do the monkey this time?

You're missing David, that's sweet.

Monkeys don't torment themselves with guilt or hope or second -guessing or

anything. They go out, get what they want, and then they... Have a banana.

Exactly.

If I'd been thinking biology instead of psychology, I would have seen right

through David and his competitiveness after he walked through that door and

thought... You can't count on biology all by itself.

Biology doesn't teach you how to have the exclusivity conversation.

I thought you were only dating. I don't know what we're doing.

So be exclusive. You'll find out if it works faster.

I'm not sure if I want a commitment.

Hello?

David, I forgot to check the call display or I wouldn't have answered.

Still, sometimes faster is better.

Not usually, but sometimes.

Yes, I've booked movers, and no, I'm not coming.

But exclusivity?

No, I don't need to talk.

What I need is bananas.

I'm not sure he'll get that.

Ogden. Yeah, what are you kidding me? They'd love to do this show again.

Yeah, we already discussed it.

Oh, she did?

No, I'm sorry, man. I can't make her date you.

Yeah, I think it's that scripting thing she's always talking about.

Ah!

Ogden, what about tonight?

Out. Out.

Hold on.

Hey, Michael.

Do you have a minute?

Sure.

What's up?

Well, you're a doctor, right?

A PhD.

But in biology?

I can't prescribe if that's what you're getting at.

Is there such a thing in the animal kingdom as, you know, too much,

you know, sex?

Too much sex?

I'm a little sore.

Couldn't you, um, have looked this up on the internet?

I mean, I thought I had a pretty high sex drive, but Stella is like, uh, you

know, the longer we're together, the more she wants to... I think it's a

thing.

There's no such thing as too much sex, trust me. Now, are you sure? Because,

uh... Believe me, I am no flouch in the... Yow!

I mean, it's bad.

All right?

Are you telling me monogamy did that?

Father, can you hold?

What the... I'll be back later.

Hey. Hey.

Haven't seen you around much.

Yeah. Kind of busy at the office.

I figured you were kind of busy, but I didn't really think it was at the

Yeah, well, there's been other... exigencies, you could say.

Oh, well, exigencies.

I don't mind exigencies if you don't.

Her name is... Araminta?

I know. He cheated on me with a wound freshener.

Anyhow, the whole thing ended with us chasing each other around a velvet rope.

Sounds like a matrimonial wrestling match. Holy headlock.

At least we helped keep the divorce rate down.

So it wasn't a complete waste?

It was a complete waste of time.

Remember that caller?

Kept going back to her old boyfriend?

Yeah. I thought she was stuck.

I'll move on to the next guy before I finish with the last one.

So you're the J -Lo of therapists.

Wasn't this a night off?

I'm weak.

Go ahead, rub it in.

No, I'm not complaining.

Surprised? You weren't the one that floated the night off concept.

Well, I was thinking about doing something with a friend.

But I realized there's an inherent flaw in my plan.

You think?

It's a bold exploration of human desire.

Yes.

Suggesting that we may have unconscious, even innate genetic reasons for what we

do.

But in the end, we also must be responsible.

You really found that in there?

Absolutely.

Are you married?

You only read the introduction to my book, didn't you? No.

You only read the introduction. Yes, yes.

It's the best place to find an author's true intentions.

You thought you could skim my book, take off your wedding ring, and get into my

pants? So sue me. I think you're amazing. And big deal, I'm married. Your

okay with it. Why aren't you? That's the intentional fallacy, you idiot.

It's not what I meant.

God, the ethereal voice. Excuse me if I don't buy into one way of reading a

text. Try reading this.

Shut the door on the way out.

Got it.

Thanks.

It's better like this, isn't it?

I'm not so sure.

Feels empty.

Don't go.

I have to.

Now I really feel like a heel.

That was your intention.

Oh, David.

I wanted us to have a better ending.

I think we deserved it.

Maybe we deserve a new beginning.

We do.

But not with each other.

We were both a little deeper into our separate lives.

than our life.

That's not how I saw it.

Neither did I at the time.

But I'm reading it differently today.

I'll see myself out.

I'm always available for X -Sex.

Goodbye, David.

That came from an emotional place.

I know.

I want to shout and scream out loud.

It's a thought that I'm on fire, so tell me again. You didn't do that on my

channel. Show me again.

I'll save you all.

That's so good.

Save you all.

That's so nice.