Original subtitles

My mom was always very proud of the fact that I could see both sides of

everything.

She figured I'd grow up to be a judge.

But judges have to make decisions, and I grew up to be the guy who can't make

his mind up about anything.

Yeah.

Like these two women at work.

Bernice and Nellie. I like them.

And I'm pretty sure one of them would like me.

But I can't decide which one of them to ask out.

So I lie awake at night, agonized.

First, I'll think about Nellie, her beautiful smile.

Then I think about Bernice, her beautiful body.

And then I feel bad about Nellie. I think about her some more, and then it's

back to Bernice, and then back to Nellie some more, and back to Bernice, and

vice versa until I feel like my head is going to explode.

Or not.

And I know that if I don't make up my mind soon, I'm going to wind up empty

-handed.

You like carrot fests?

Well, I'm not fussy. When I see what I like, I like to take it.

Me too.

What do you like best, Doug? The top or the bottom?

That muffin's got my name on it, too.

Women like a guy who knows what he wants.

I want to be a guy like that.

Maybe not exactly like that, but more like that.

Without being a jerk.

See?

There I go again.

I'm at the end of my tether with this.

Well, not the end of my tether, because that makes me sound crazy, but... Oh, my

God, I can't even decide where I am on my tether.

I am such a loser. I'm a loser!

We all have trouble making choices from time to time.

With me, it's all the time.

Douglas, I want to give you a simple exercise.

Make a decision this week.

It doesn't matter what it is as long as it's a clear decision.

Then think about how empowered that makes you feel.

The idea is to tie that feeling to every decision you make.

Mm -hmm.

Can you do that?

Um, I can try.

What should I make a decision about?

Why not make a decision to make this decision and then go from there? And

if I decide to decide and then can't decide how to follow through?

One step at a time.

Hey, are you getting married? Yes.

Okay, how did you know your fiancé was the one?

I just knew.

And aren't you afraid that you'll miss out on someone better?

No.

See you next week.

Okay.

What are you doing?

You said I could take a few things for our new apartment.

After I found a tenant for Ben's office, the ad says unfurnished.

It should be better furnished.

What are Michael and I supposed to sit on in the meantime?

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Anyway, aren't you two moving in a little quickly?

I don't think we're getting married.

Still, it's a big commitment.

Yeah, and a commitment means a coach.

Ben's had sex on the couch.

That's why they invented flip covers.

I miss Ben, too.

You might want to think about getting the cover cleaned.

After I rent the office.

Just put it on the table. I don't want to sound like a book.

I guess that's one way of putting it.

So, have you guys made any headway with your guest list?

We're hoping to keep it down to around 30 people.

Family, close friends.

I don't know. Between the colleagues and extended family, you'd be offended if I

didn't invite them.

We're talking more like a hundred.

A hundred?

I know, I know. It starts to feel impossible, doesn't it?

That's how I felt.

In the end, we kept ours down to what?

Forty.

Forty of Jody's friends enrolled.

I'll just have to book a bigger venue.

I thought we were committed to something small and intimate.

What do you think?

This wedding's actually about us?

These things are big tribal rights.

Sounds like Kate and Ben talking about the book.

Ah, Ben.

I wonder how he's doing back in the vaunted hall of the...

Male approaches the pair.

Watch it, buddy. He's moving in on your girl.

Come on, step up. Get to man.

Don't tell me she can stand there and let him mount her.

I did not come halfway around the world to see...

Oh, my God.

Me?

The dick dick is me.

Forget, Ben. We've got to settle our wedding plan.

I'm beginning to think that writing a book is easier than planning a wedding.

Why not? Let's skip the wedding and write a book together.

What would our book be about?

Men caving into female pressure?

Or flat -out female aggression?

Yeah!

Female aggression, you know, that's not a bad idea for a follow -up to Brute

Force. Actually, it's a great idea.

Can't be a collaboration.

We can hardly plan a wedding. You want to write a book?

You don't think I can handle it?

No, I didn't.

I'm surprised you want to handle it.

I'd love to handle it. The question is, would you?

Handle's my middle name.

So you want to do it?

Yeah, let's do it.

They'll talk about writing a book.

It wouldn't be a feminist polemic. It'd be a clear -eyed look at women's anger,

their power tactics in relationships.

Their emotional blackmail.

When the shoe fits. But also women's decisiveness in contrast to men who seek

control to them in prescribed domestic circumstances.

Like planning weddings?

Right. But also home life, family, decisions about children.

Don't worry, David.

One collaboration at a time. We'll do the book first.

Hey, first there was brute force.

Now there's bell force.

Well, come on. What's wrong with capitalizing on successful brands? Look

huge those chicken soup books are. I don't care about huge. If the idea is to

collaborate, it'd have to be an equal partnership, like a marriage. Yes, a

marriage of two minds. I'm all for it.

So we're really going to do this?

Hey, if you're up for it, I'm up for it.

You think I couldn't commit?

No, no, you've got that one leg.

Who'd have thunk David would replace Ben, huh?

I mean, move into his office.

I knew that.

So I guess this means the couch stays.

Yeah.

We better... Better clean the cover. I'll get it.

You work here?

Oh, yes, hi.

Are you here to see Dr. Langford?

Yeah, yeah. I need help soon.

Oh, if you need help, just... No, I think I'm crazy about Dr. Langford's

secretary.

I'm not her secretary. I'm her executive assistant.

Oh, well, you know, I'm crazy about her, too. And her name is?

Stella. Stella. Bella Stella. You know, your father must have been a thief

because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

Well, that's one of my favorites right up there. Is it hot in here, or is it

just you?

I told you I needed help.

Can I help you?

Dr. Langford.

Chas Banks, Oligarch Press, New York.

You're not a patient?

Oligarch Press?

David spoke to you already?

David who?

David Exley.

Exley, the brute force guy?

What about him?

I'm about to write a book with him.

Oh, is that right?

You know, I think one of our editors tried working with him a few years ago.

Tried? Well, let's just say Exley does not play well with others.

Not a problem of mine, by the way.

Can I ask why you're here, Mr. Bain?

Yeah, you remember Tony Bain? Well, forget her.

I just bought her company.

Hell, I just drove her to the airport. She's retiring to Tuscany.

Tuscany? Yeah.

Oligarch now owns the rights to the erotic instinct, and we want you and Ben

write a sequel.

Wow, Kate!

That's very... Dr.

Chase and I don't have plans to work together again.

Well, make them. You seen your sales lately?

No. They've gone stratospheric ever since some French actress mentioned the

on Oprah.

Look, forget Exley. This is the pony you want to back.

Maybe this will change your mind, hmm?

This is a generous offer. Yes, it is.

Look, I got a jet.

We'll be in touch.

And we'll talk about your position later, hmm?

Wow. My reins are poor, huh?

Pardon me?

You started off this morning with one book, and now you got two.

Have you told David that you're writing a book with the guy who nearly broke you

up? I'm not.

And Ben didn't.

Besides, he hasn't returned my email, so it's all moot anyhow.

Well, he probably hasn't read them. Gavin said he stays out in the bush for

weeks at a time, like a dog.

The king has wounds all alone.

Oh, please.

Ben's never as alone as he likes to pretend.

Ben, Ben?

Ben's in no rush to get back here, no matter what's on offer.

Well, maybe if you were on offer.

I'm not.

And I'm doing the book with David.

Even though you're meeting Chaz Banks again tomorrow?

He's not going to talk me into anything.

Uh -huh.

At Oligarch, we don't hope for readers, Kate. We build readerships. Now, that

means reviews in all the major newspapers and magazines, book club

talk shows, big point of sale displays in all the major chains.

It's impressive, Chaz, but... Now, see, all this book needs is the right put,

and we've got the muscle to do it. Now, we exploit the first book properly in

the States, That sets us up for the real kill, which is the sequel and the rest

of the franchise.

Franchise? Yeah, you want your book to be big, don't you?

Well, sure, but... Listen, where I come from, big is good, but huge is better.

Huge.

Kate, I will make you the next Oprah to Ben's Dr.

Phil. You ready?

Chaz, I'm flattered, but I'm committed to working with David Exley.

Like that won't end in tears.

I think I know him better than you do.

I thought Ben's out of the country for who knows how long. Oh, didn't Ben tell

you? Tell me what? Tell her what.

What

are

you doing back?

Been chasing, I presume.

Chaz Banks?

Thanks for the ticket. Please take a deal. Wait, you've already discussed...

tried to get in touch, but it was a mess getting out of there. Hello, by the

way.

What about the dick dicks? They're done done.

Dic -dic. Dwarf antelope.

The female cheats. The male hasn't been caught yet, or did you learn differently

out there?

Didn't learn a damn thing I didn't already know.

I accept your offer, by the way. Oh, good man.

Kate, I want to work with you.

Ben here wants to work with you, but Oligarch now owns the title, and we're

going to release the sequel to The Erotic Instinct with or without you.

It may have to be without me.

Don't think so. Look, you call me when Ben's convinced you not to throw this

chance away, okay?

Hey, you guys are going to look great on TV.

You could have called.

You could have asked if I was interested.

You wouldn't have been standing here if you weren't.

If you're still hung up on our past... I'm not hung up.

You're the one who came rushing back. I'm the one getting married, remember?

Sure. And if we sign this deal, I can afford a really swank wedding present.

I don't care about that.

I do.

I've had it with the bullshit research grants and sleeping on the ground

eaten by bugs in the middle of nowhere. I'm done.

Done, done?

This is our chance to get what we want.

Speak for yourself.

I will if I have to.

Finding a new collaborator should be a piece of cake.

Oh, lemon. I hate lemon.

This is good.

Yeah? Oh, I think this is the one.

Sure. All right.

You could help.

Well, why don't we just close our eyes and pick one? I mean, who cares what the

cake tastes like?

All your extra colleagues might care, your big extended family might care,

they're all coming to our big wedding.

If I left it up to you, there'd be no wedding at all.

Or even book.

Oh, sure there would. I could already write the chapter on women cracking

whip over wedding plans.

David, about the book, you've never collaborated before, and I can tell you,

it's not all sunshine and lollipop.

Yeah? What are you getting at?

I'm only saying it's a big debt.

One you don't want to take?

I'm not saying that.

But I've received an offer to write a sequel to The Erotic Instinct.

From Oligarch Press in New York?

Oligarch?

What do you know about them?

Uh, one of their pinhead editors tried to rewrite me once. She only had to try

once.

They're sharks, Kate.

Good to know.

Anyway, it's kind of bad timing with Ben being away for God knows how long.

Right?

Ben's back.

Is he?

And he wants to do it with me.

The book.

Sequel.

Well, of course he does. He's got nothing else going on.

This one's terrific.

David, I want to write our book, yours and mine, ours.

I know that.

I think I found our cake.

Don't you love lemon?

My favorite.

You don't put my mom and my dad and his wife at adjacent tables.

Okay, I'm going to make an executive decision here. Now watch.

Okay, my mom here, and then my dad and stepmom here.

That way they're all close to the head table but on opposite sides of the room.

Now your mom can sit with my mom, and your dad and his wife can sit with my

and his wife. See? Symmetry, diplomacy, tension diffused.

Now, who said a big wedding wouldn't work?

Where am I sitting?

Ben.

I don't see your name on this list.

I meant, am I sitting in there, or am I working out of somewhere else with a new

collaborator? She's not doing the book with you, Chase.

That's for Kate to decide, actually.

Oh.

I think the lady's already made up her mind.

You've got to be joking.

I never joke, Kate.

Whenever you're ready.

You're like a pig.

What?

Nothing. It's a dream.

Yeah?

Was I naked?

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

The wedding?

The book.

Baby, I love our book, but I don't want to force you into it.

Whatever you want to do, go ahead and do it.

Okay? It's up to you.

What's he doing here? He was hoping you had a few minutes.

So, when you told me to decide to decide to make a decision, I thought, okay, I

can do that. So I did.

And you chose?

I made up my mind between Bernice and Nellie. I chose Bernice.

Big step.

Can you walk me through it? I flipped a coin.

Douglas, that's not exactly a real choice.

Ah. But I had to choose to abide by the coin toss, and that is a choice, right?

Anyway, I was kind of more attracted to her. Anyway, the point is that once I

decided on her, things kind of snowballed, and Bernice and I have been

in every night since.

Great. So not only did you make a decision, but you made a good one. God,

No, no, no, no. She's totally nuts. She is a possessive, manipulative,

domineering harpy.

My God, what kind of drugs was I on to think that she would make a better

girlfriend than Nellie?

I don't understand.

What are you so happy about?

Don't you see?

It might have been the wrong one, but the point is... I made a decision.

Huh?

Huh?

Morning.

So you're going to let our sequel get written by someone else just so you and

David can keep each other on tighter leashes?

On a chance like this doesn't come along every day.

If you want to blow it, that's your business, but you're not dragging me

with you.

You... Signed it already?

Making me... Premature.

That's an unfounded rumor.

One thing needs to be clear. There's no going back to where we were.

Look, even if you weren't marrying David, I have absolutely zero interest

going back to where we were.

As long as that's understood.

Understood. And appreciated.

This relationship isn't about the past, it's about the future. I agree.

We made our choices.

And our mistakes.

And there's no reason to repeat them.

No reason at all.

None.

It's completely professional.

What happened to my couch?

I believe you did.

More than once.

Scream out loud.

Oh, it's a dog. I'm on fire. So tell me again. Show

me again.

Oh, say them all.

That's so good.

Say them all.

That's so nice.