Original subtitles

Oh, damn, he went down hard. I mean, on his nose.

It's only a flesh wound.

What?

Kissed by a scratch.

What are you saying, Dave?

Seriously? Come on.

What you gonna do?

Bleed on me?

Okay, is that from a song?

Oh, I think it's a movie from their culture.

It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Everybody's seen it.

Who's everybody? I told you, Dave, I haven't seen any of those flying magic

movies. It is not Harry Potter. It's Monty Python. It's one of the funniest

movies of all time.

Oh, I get it. It's like white people's coming to America. Yes, exactly.

But, you know, better.

Oh, anybody need another beer?

Malcolm.

You heard what your agent said. She wants to see a copy of your novel in 30

days. You can't be writing impaired.

Trey, when was the last time you did anything not impaired?

Oh, he banged on him.

Hey, Austin Reeves is a bad boy.

I'm telling you, he looks like Dave, but he'll posterize you.

Okay, you know what? I bet you guys $5 that I can slam dunk.

Dave, you couldn't dunk a donut.

Driveway, now!

Watch me work!

Oh, I got to see it. Hey, you better have some real money.

See, you've been stretching for like 15 minutes.

You're not getting any taller.

All right, you know what? Fine. Here we go.

Johnson, to the hall.

Big dog doing big things like a dog does.

Dog in them. I'm a handball.

Hey,

put some ice on that. Oh, I'm posting this.

You know I hate to be petty, but I'm going to need that $5.

Welcome to the block. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Welcome to the...

Game time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Sit down, LeBron.

The doctor was very clear. You have a hairline fracture in your collarbone. If

you don't sit completely still, you could make it worse.

I feel fantastic.

That's because you're on very, very powerful painkillers.

Now relax.

I'll go get you some ice.

You sure are pretty.

Thank you.

Those new jeans.

I always wear these.

Oh, they're terrible.

These are my favorite.

Yeah, they're whack.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, whack.

I'm gonna go finish my dunk. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Your dunking days are over.

You smell pretty. Oh, thank you.

so sorry she has to keep working on the weekends.

Your grandpa and your daddy want to open a second fuse box in a ridiculously

short amount of time, and Mama is the only one that knows how to make it work.

Well, some of that is true, honey, and some of that is just Mama being mean to

Dada.

I just hate how much I'm missing.

I missed her first high -five the other day. Oh, my God, it was so adorable.

Mommy!

I mean, she had her thumb folded, so it was really like a low four.

Don't worry.

There will be plenty of milestones for you to see. Thank you, Mrs. B.

Have fun with her today. Oh, don't you worry. We will.

We are going to go to the sandbox, and we're going to feed the ducks, and then

we're going to have tea at the Langer. Mom, Mom, Mom.

Remember what we said about not torturing Courtney?

Look, that's why I didn't mention the trolley ride.

You're going to go on the trolley ride? All right, let's go to work.

Okay, we're going to work. Come on, I know. Say bye -bye.

Oh, yeah, she's going to miss you. Oh, look, she misses you already.

It was so nice of you to make Dave a cake.

It's the least we can do, considering Calvin goaded Dave into trying to dunk.

And by accepting this cake, You forfeit the right to take any legal action

against us.

Enjoy.

Cream sheets, frosting, white chocolate chips. Oh.

Hmm. Hmm.

Gina, this is not your best.

What did he say?

Don't pay him any attention. He's on serious pain medication.

Yeah, well, he's going to need some more.

Now, what is the deal with black people and red velvet cake?

Dave, Dave, don't preach that thought.

No, you know what? I want to hear this.

I'm just, come on, I'm tired of pretending that it's awesome.

You know what's awesome?

Cookies cakes.

I love cookies cakes. Tina, go make me a cookies cake.

Cal, the whole of it. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Come on, babe.

How about we just go? All right. All right. Come on, Daphne.

Let's go feed the ducks.

Yes. Oh, my God. Did you hear that? She just said her first word. She just said

mama. Oh, good for you, Daphne.

Tina,

I'm excited for her first word and all, but you do realize she just called you

mama instead of her actual mama.

Oh, damn.

This isn't good.

Courtney already feels bad about not spending enough time with her.

You've been spending so much time with her, she's really getting attached to

you. Well, I can't help it if they leave her with me all the time.

I'd love to take her for you, but I have to babysit Dave.

Well, Calvin can watch him.

What? No, I'm busy.

Oh.

What were you going to do?

Chill.

Like I said, Calvin's got him. Come on, Gemma.

Courtney would be devastated to know that her baby calls somebody else mama.

Especially an old person.

Okay, he got one more time. Okay, okay. One more time.

Best $5 I can slam down a basketball.

Sit your ass down.

These cool L .A. moms with their fresh blowouts and designer baby bags and

thousand -dollar strollers.

No, don't stare at them. Don't be thirsty.

Hey,

can I help you?

I'm sorry. She's not usually like this. Don't be silly.

I'm Michelle.

Who's this?

Gemma.

Oh, this is Daphne.

She's a...

Adorable. Oh, thank you.

How old are you?

39.

Okay, you're funny.

Oh, come hang with us. We've got morning buns.

I love morning buns.

I don't even know what those are.

Yeah, come on, Dave.

Let's make the best of it.

I know being injured can be tough.

You know, one time I hurt my knee sacking a quarterback.

Oh, here we go.

The glory days.

Go ahead, Calvin. Try out the greatest hits.

I thought you liked my football stories. Oh, yeah, I do. Every time you tell

them, your stats get better.

Eat your damn sandwich.

How'd you manage to burn the outside without melting the cheese inside,

You better stick to cars.

Dave, listen, for your information, this is how you... You know, I'm going to

make this very simple for you, Calvin.

How about a granola bar?

Sure. Go on, now.

Hey, Pop, Mama said you might need a break. I'm taking a breather from my

writing chair.

A breather?

Is that what we're calling it?

What are you saying, Dave?

Let me spell it out for you, Mr. Writer.

You are procrastinating.

Have you even started?

Yes. A Word document has been opened, titled, and saved.

What's the title?

Malcolm's Big Book.

Look, Malcolm, I get it. It's hard to start writing.

You know, you worry you don't have what it takes, that you haven't lived enough,

you haven't traveled enough, you don't have anything interesting to say.

And even if you did,

well, we'd want to read it.

Man, I've lived. I've had adventures.

Yeah, sure. I mean, you could write, Journey to the Center of the House 30

Away from My Parents.

That's a stupid -ass title.

Come get your friend.

Oh,

you finished writing already?

No. I mean, what would I even write about, Trey?

The journey to the center of the house of the boy who's never been nowhere?

What?

Man, it's just something Dave said.

Man, forget Dave. When you played ball, you went everywhere.

You went to Albuquerque. You went to Little Rock.

You even had a layover in New York.

Yeah, man, but I blew that all up for this.

Exactly, so this has to work for us.

What you mean, us?

I'm part of your literary crew, like that show Entourage.

I'm your turtle.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Trey. I guess this is what writer's

is.

You know what?

Good thing for you, I have writer's unblock.

I am not eating your weed gummies, Trey.

What page you on?

One.

Oh, what the hell?

It's like strawberry.

Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go get you something to eat.

I'm not even hungry.

You will be.

Was I just about to eat one?

Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.

One of the moms was wearing these sunglasses. I swear I saw J -Lo wearing

These women are so cool.

And they were talking about going on a wine train to Temecula next weekend. And

they invited me.

So this is a mom's group? A cool mom's group.

I'm going to put in a heart emoji.

Okay, Gemma, so you were in the park with a baby. A group of moms with babies

invited you to join them.

They think you're Daphne's mom.

Oh, God.

Oh, but I've always wanted to be in a group like this. Back when Grover was a

baby in Kalamazoo, all the other moms were, you know, regular.

A lot of crocs.

Says the woman wearing hobo jeans.

Okay, Gemma, I'm sorry, but it seems to me they only want you in their little

clique because you either adopted a black baby or you're in an interracial

marriage. With me, the whitest man in America.

Oh, hey, guys.

I put her to sleep. She's asleep.

Okay, I'll go to bed, Mom.

news except daphne said her first word oh my god that is fantastic

what did she say canoe canoe really demo

she said mama but to your mama not your baby mama

oh oh oh boy uh okay courtney cannot find out

about this

Marty, you wear a lot of ugly sweaters.

This one has got to be the ugliest.

Who is this person?

At the street light, flick it to life on Palmer Avenue.

Boom! Chapter one is done.

Chapter two, already in my head.

We be writing, boy.

Hey, man, that weed gummy of yours, it really helped me to stop overthinking.

You know, the story just flowed out of me. What'd I tell you?

Yeah. But, Trey, is this a problem?

Like, do I need to be hot or right?

Is this story all mine, or is it the weed?

Man, if it was the weed, I'd be Shakespeare.

Man, it wasn't nothing in that gummy, but sugar and 1 % real fruit juice.

What?

Yeah, I just said it was weed to get you out of your own way.

If I'd give you one of my real weed gummies, boy, you'd be walking down the

street butt naked trying to type on an open pizza box.

Why would I do that? Why did I do that?

So this story is all mine. All you.

You're damn right it's all mine because I'm a writer. What are you? I'm a

writer. What are you? I'm a writer.

Dakota, these deviled eggs are the best I have ever had.

Once you eat eggs from your own chicken, you just can't go back to store

-bought. I have got to get a coupe.

Yes. And with Gemma. Just go outside, get the eggs and the chickens in the

morning. Gemma!

You said you were taking Daphne around the block. What are you doing?

I know, I know. I'm going to tell them.

Right after the wine train.

Gemma, you have got to stop this weird charade. Now give me my grandbaby.

Hey, Gemma. Who's this?

Okay, see, I... Oh, is this your wife?

Yes, this is my... wife.

Tina.

Tina.

You must come on the wine train next weekend.

Well, see, the thing is, I, uh... It's eight courses of amazing food, beautiful

scenery, heavy pours.

We're visiting five vineyards, and at the last one, Alicia Keys is performing.

Alicia Keys.

Oh, baby, why didn't you tell me that?

Admit it. Those moms are cool.

Yeah, they're cool.

And I guess it's good that Daphne has a playgroup on the weekend.

Right? Come on.

Okay, we can do the wine train.

And we can hang with them in the park occasionally.

But no kissing on the mouth.

Okay, but I'm just saying it sells it. Gemma, don't play with me.

Hey.

Well,

we did it.

We finished the whole expansion plan for the charging nodes at the new fuse box.

Congratulations on whatever the hell you just said.

Thank you, Mrs. B. You have been babysitting so much.

Every weekend and...

I know it's been a lot. Hey, happy to help.

Hey, where's my baby?

Oh, here she is.

Mama. Oh, my God.

She said her first word. Oh, my God.

Did she just call me Mama? Who else would she be talking to?

Gosh, this hurts.

Well, I gave you the last of your pain pills at noon.

You must have worn off.

Oh.

Is this for me?

I thought you didn't like red velvet.

Not like red velvet. I love red velvet.

Gina,

my compliments to the chef.

Knocked it out of the park.

This is so moist.

Dave's back.

If you think I'm going to forgive you about what you said... Tina, forget

Dave. Let's go drink wine and talk about Alicia Keys.

Calvin,

did I say something bad? I can't remember a thing.

Honestly, Dave, you were a straight jackass.

Some of the things you said sounded like me.

And honesty is good, but I don't think we can have two me's.

I don't know.

Two Calvins sounds pretty awesome to me.

It's good to have you back, buddy.

Since I'm the one that got you into this, I guess I owe you. So, what do you

we watch your British snake movie?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Sure.

She turned me into a newt.

Lose the bloody accent, Dave, or I'm leaving.

Okay, fine.

Blimey.

Oh, it's okay. Okay, fine.

Fine. Blimey.

All right.

David.

Oh, come on, Dad. You can say it.

Who am I?

I'm your mama.

Mama. Okay, okay. She's got mama. All right.

Try Dada.

Dada.

Dada. Say Dada.

We're getting there.

It's your friend Daphne.

Daphne, hello.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

Hi, uh, I'm Marty, and this is Courtney.

How great!

You must be babysitting for Gemma and her wife, Tina.

Excuse me? Tell them I said hi.

Marty? No, it's already ringing.