Original subtitles

Die, scumbags

You know, you're late, Tommy

Rico, relax

Okay, then, okay, you're the boss, come on

That's Hugo Porto's mob, huh?

He tried to move in on Big Sep's territory down in Atlantic City

Killed Victor Viking's mom in the process

Wow, what a bunch of scumbags, huh?

Whatever, and there's proof for Big Sep, you got a ticket on the red-eye

The heads are nice and clean and ready to go, okay?

Okay

Tommy, Big Sep's hot

I'm two weeks late delivering the meat

If he doesn't get that by noon tomorrow, more heads are gonna roll

You know what I mean? No problem

Do you love me?

Where you headed? San Diego? Mexico

You have a good flight Thanks a lot

Do you love me? Do you love me?

Do you love me? Do you love me?

How you doing?

Thank you, thanks

Step over here please

Gun! She's got a gun!

I don't even own a gun!

Hey, kid, is this yours? Yeah

Do me a favor, will you? Put that right under the seat

And see maybe if you can keep that right near you

I got some important stuff in this bag

I'd like to keep it close by me, you know what I mean?

Thanks, that's really nice of you

Good kid, thank you Okay

Atta boy, fits right under there

No, it doesn't fit right under there

Maybe you can get a spot in another bin, thanks, I appreciate that

It's nice of you

Excuse me

Careful, careful

I almost didn't make it

Well, I'm sure that someone is glad you did

Let's see, 49C, right down this way

Thanks

Excuse me, sir, is this yours? Yeah

I'm sorry, we'll need to use this compartment

Would you mind using another one?

Because I have valuable family heirlooms in there

Sir, as you can plainly see, this is an emergency situation

Well, maybe you can use somebody else's bin

I mean, this kid's not using all of his

Would you mind if they used some of yours?

Hey, excuse me, but screw you

Hey, hey, come on, be nice, be a gentleman, will you?

We're trying to help over here, here, let me help you

This goes right over here, it's small

That's okay, thanks, don't don't?

Wait! Wait! Don't kick it!

For God's sake, those are live human organs!

Trust me, pal, they don't feel it

Would you sit down please?

Sir, I'm really sorry about that

Sir, we're gonna have to use your bin Excuse me? but?

And actually, sir, I think your bag is over the size limit

Well, no, because see, the guy outside measured this and he said that it was okay

Sir, it's clearly over the size limit, it will have to go in cargo

Listen, wait a minute, wait a minute?

Hold on, hold on a second, listen

Maybe we could just leave my bag where it is, all right?

Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

No. I'm trying to purchase a place for my bag, which I already

The place for your bag is in cargo, sir

Excuse me, maybe I'll just take another flight

Fine, the next flight to San Diego leaves in seven hours, sir

All right, let me make a phone call

Sir, do you actually think that we're gonna hold the plane while you use the phone

Now, are you flying with us tonight or not?

All right, Miss Burke? Yes

That's your name, right? Yes

This bag better be in San Diego, you'll be in a lot of trouble if it's not

Yes, sir, it will be the very first off the plane

Does that make you happy?

When it's there, then I'll be happy Okay

Have a seat, sir, thank you

Happy? Yeah, I'm happy, I'm thrilled

Happy

What are you looking at?

You started all this with those friggin' organs

You're happy, right? Happy, who's happy?

Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot, I'm Charlie

So, where you headed?

I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents

She races these cars

She's great, she's great!

I wish her parents thought the same of me, I'm on my way to meet them for the first time

I haven't seen her in like six months, and

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go to sleep

Think about what you're gonna say to them, okay?

Yeah, I don't know, because I mean I haven't even met them

Already the father, he doesn't like me, I know

I could understand that, I just met you and I don't like you either

I got to sleep, didn't you hear me? Come on

I'm just trying to make conversation, but

Good, make it in sign language

Laurie?

Something wrong? No

You look great Thanks

What is the matter? Nothing, let's talk about it later

Okay

Oh, no. No, Jesus, please, no!

Charlie Pritchett! Shit!

What do you have in there? It looks like you packed for a month

You know me, ready for anything

Oh, boy, look at this loser Honey! Be nice now, come on

Charlie, these are my parents, Annette and Dick

Annette Charlie, it's a real pleasure

Dick, very nice to meet you, this is for you

Oh, these wrappings are beautiful, thank you

Oh, my God! Dick, I left yours on the plane

No, no, no, why don't you call the airlines?

We got a long ride, we've got to make tracks

Sorry

Woodgy, why don't you ride shotgun with your dad?

Wudji? Wudji like me to drive?

I think I can handle it

No no Jesus

House of pain

Yeah, hello, who's this? This is Qaddafi, who's this?

Qaddafi, huh? Listen, this is Bill, I'm an old friend of Charlie Pritchett's

I was wondering if you could help me find him

Yeah, he's gone on spring break with the rest of America

Did you try looking in Mexico? That's very funny

Look, this is really important

You think you could be a little more specific, Qaddafi?

Not unless it's for a grade

Hey, Bill, is it? Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up

Yeah! Shit! Shit!

I need a flight to Bethesda University

I'm not sure the University has their own airport

But we can fly you to Baltimore, will that do?

Hey, don't get cute with me, asshole, huh?

Wake up, people, we're here! Made it in record time

I'm famished Oh, me too

Boy, could I use a Margarita, what time is it?

Thirteen fifty hours

Bear, remember what we agreed about your drinking?

You be a good bear, take one of your new pills

They make me woozy, Wooly

Besides, I said I could use a drink, I didn't say I'm having one

Listen, there is absolutely nothing in this whole world

That could ever, ever make me take a drink again

So, relax, okay?

Bienvenidos! Welcome back, senior Hola, Juan

Hope you catch some big ones this time

Gracias, gracias

Manny, I ran into a little delay here What do you mean, a delay?

Excuse me, are you going to be long?

A day, maybe two On the phone?

What? What the hell's happened, Tommy?

Manny, I can't go into it right now but it's going to be okay

All right? I mean, can't you talk to Big Sep?

Big Sep is riding me like a race horse, I told you if it was late

Listen, the job is finished, so what's the big deal with the delivery?

Tommy, you didn't lose nothing, did you?

Manny, you know how many years I did this for your father?

How could you even ask me something like that?

Mister?

Hey, lady, you interrupt me one more time, you're gonna swallow this phone

Now get out of here

Go ahead, take it on the heels

One day, you got one day, Tommy

If big Sep doesn't get those heads in his hands by noon tomorrow

You might as well chop off your own head and put it in with the others, capish?

Don't worry about it, all right? He'll have them before they start stinking

Please or you'll be stinking Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean

About time Yeah, I know

Here, it's all yours

We've done a lot of redecorating since you've been here, senor

It's quite lovely, we hope you enjoy it

It's beautiful Senor Pritchett your room

Thank you

The mini-bar, el bano, the bathroom

If you need anything, please call me

Everybody unpack later

They're only serving lunch downstairs for ten more minutes

Yes sir, no problem Good

Pepe, venga! Pepe, venga!

Come on, Bear I'm coming, Wooly

It's 206, room 206

Okay, Laurie, what's going on?

Not now, let' just talk about it later, okay?

No, let's talk about it now

Look, Charlie, I don't know quite how to put this

But I think I want a divorce

What? A divorce? We're not even married, we're not even engaged

You know what I mean

That's why you invited me here? To tell me this?

I thought you invited me to meet your parents

I didn't really actually invite you

Excuse me, but you invited me to your parents' house

And then you called and said we were coming to Mexico instead

When I said we were going to Mexico, I didn't actually mean you

What?!

It was just supposed to be me and my parents for my dad's birthday

And you got so excited; I didn't know how to break it to you

Laurie, what's happened to you?

Six months at home and you've mutated

From a fun-loving free spirit into Nancy Reagan

Look, I just want stability in my life, Charlie

I need to be with someone who really knows who they are

And knows what they want in life

You know what this is all about? Your folks

They don't like me, and it's affecting the way that you feel about me

But just wait, Laurie

My being here will turn out to be a blessing in disguise

I'm not giving up on you, Laurie

Is my hair all right? I am open-minded

It's just that he's such a dip!

Do you think he's a dip? I think he's really cute

And he seems funny, and he seems smart

I mean, what do you want for Laurie?

I want what I was when I was his age

I was charismatic, ambitious That's right

I was clearly headed to the top Clearly, darling

The very, very top

I mean, we can be honest with each other when we're alone, can't we?

Oh, I think that's a good idea, Wooly

I've always wanted to be

Oh, I forgot something, will you go down and get us a table?

What's the problem? No problem, no problem

I just forgot something and I'll be there in just a second

Okay? I'm running

Senorita, no, no, it's for decoration, not for sale, sorry

I better go check on Bear

Ah, Mrs. Bennett There you are, Bear

We ordered you an enchilada

Bear, are you all right? Mrs. Bennett?

Jesus! Ma, are you okay?

Would you, would you like to to sit? Mom, what are you doing?

Good God, Bear, don't tell me you've been drinking again

Now, remember what the doctor said, take nice deep breaths

I have some pills if you're not feeling well Yeah, why don't you take some?

It's, it's, it's all right, folks

She's just a little hungry, she's hungry and her blood sugar's dropped

Are you hungry, Bear?

Mom, for God's sake? Would you like an enchilada?

It's all right, folks! No harm done

They're just happy to see each other

You little son of a bitch, I should have known

Wake up, Qaddafi, we're gonna play College Bowl

For ten points of your life

Hey Stevie, you got any notes from last night? I don't need them

Hey!

No, no, I've got it, thank you very much

Seniorita, your mother is going to be fine

Take this please

Senor, I gave her a sedative, it's muy, muy strong

Let her rest, huh? Thank you, doctor

We've only been back here an hour and already she's on the booze

Would you go easy on her, dad? She's obviously under a lot of stress

Okay

When she wakes up, we won't mention a thing, okay, Laurie?

Why don't you watch her, while Charlie and I go rent a boat for tomorrow?

Okay, Charlie? Yeah, great

Is my hair okay?

Uh, do, do you mind if l change my shirt before we go?

No, I'll use the phone in your room so I don't disturb her

All right, we're gonna play a game called Be Honest With Me?

Now, the rules are very simple

l ask you a question and you have to be honest with me, okay?

Now, where did Charlie Pritchett go on vacation?

Second rule, you have to answer, Qaddafi

Why does he keep calling you Qaddafi? I don't know

Now, look, I don't want to have to put you kids through hell

So let me tell you what's going to happen here

First, I'm gonna hurt you, then you're gonna try to be brave

Then I'm gonna hurt you again, and you're gonna tell me everything

That's not being honest, that's not honest

That's not honest!

Now, look, this is not gonna get any easier, it's only gonna get harder

So, I don't know why you're protecting this kid, because I'm gonna find him

There we go, atta boy

l swear to God, we don't know where he is all he said was Mexico and he's

Come on!

We're not trying to protect him!

I'm not going to repeat myself!

Mom, if you want to come down, you're certainly welcome

It's just that the weather is terrible

Well, it's rained since we got here, mom, there are storms everywhere

l mean more storms are on the way

Mom, I'm just thinking about you

Mom, l we, of course we'd love to have your company, mom

Well, I know you're young enough to travel, it has nothing to do with that

Mom mom, please, please, mom, please don't dredge that up

What's the matter? Are you okay?

l, uh, uh, ants, ants everywhere

Ants' I don't see any ants, what are you talking about?

Mom, there are ants down here, ants everywhere

Mom, please don't dredge that up

Because it's got nothing to do with her

What is it? What is it?

I have a cramp in my leg A cramp?

Ay, ah!

Well, pull yourself together, stop screaming

I'm, I'm sorry, I'm

No, mom, I'm not arguing with my wife, I'm arguing with you

l mean, mom, mom, please, I'll have to call you back

Mom, I'll call you back, I'll call you right back

Can you keep it down?

Now, why don't I meet you downstairs in the lobby in say, five minutes?

Five minutes? All right?

Five minutos!

And don't send this laundry out, it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg!

yeah!

Oh, yeah! Obviously, this is, this isn't real

It's a, it's, it's a fake, it's a fake

God! God!

Senor! Senor!

Are you okay? I am fine

l just, I ate a hot pepper

Oh, ah, hot pepper Venga, Pepe

No, no, no

Charlie, are you okay?

I'm fine, I just ate a killer pepper

A chili pepper, I'm fine

There's some water in the mini-bar, senor

No, no, no l like the sensation

I' yee haw! Yee haw!

Enchilada!

Okay, well you call me if you need anything, eh?

Will do, thank you, Paco Pepe, venga!

Pepe, come on! Pepe!

God! Charlie, what's going on?

The police, this has got to be a setup! Oh, God!

There's got to be a camera or something

We're in Mexico, why would there be a camera in Mexico?

Mexican Candid Camera, still on the air!

Charlie! You're acting insane!

I'm okay Would you get it together?

Okay? I'm okay

What the hell is going on?

Look, Laurie, you gotta promise you won't freak, okay?

Okay

I found something in my duffel bag

Something, oh I mean, look, it's a

What? Forget it, it's nothing, it's nothing

Charlie Pritchett, you're such a sneak No!

You got me a present, I didn't know you got me one

No! No! It's not a present Laurie!

Laurie, don't open it, it's a head

Laurie

Laurie!

Are you okay? Honey, are you all right?

Yeah

Senora, are you all right? She's fine, everything's fine

She had a pepper too, she loves them, actually, she'll be fine

Are you sure, senorita?

Pepe, Pepe, venga

Pepe, venga!

Pepe!

Pepe, andale! Vamos

Pepe!

You call me if you need anything, eh?

Will do, thank you, Paco, bye-bye

All right

Laurie, are you okay? Can you stop screaming?

Good God, Charlie, what are you doing with a head in your bag?

I don't know, you think I know?

Yes, I think you'd know If I had a head in my bag, I think I'd know

Laurie, Laurie, don't get upset but there's more than one

What? Charlie, there's two?

No Three? Four? How many?

Eight?

It's those gringos, son locos

Laurie, you're not in the hall, you're in the closet

Don't you think I realize that?

Laurie I'm not coming out

Laurie! I'm not!

You have to come out! No!

The bodies are in there

I was I was kidding, I was kidding

Kidding? You're kidding at a time like this?

Well, I had to calm you down

For God's sake, Laurie, try to stay calm, okay?

Calm? You expect me to remain calm

When you have eight human heads in your luggage?

Laurie, there may be two people in China who didn't hear you

Then what the hell is going on? I wish I knew

Could it be Steve or Ernie playing some sort of sick, hideous, medical prank?

I don't think so, the thought of blood bothers Steve

And this isn't Ernie's style

They're my best friends, but come on, they're dull guys with dull lives

You psycho! You psycho!

We don't know anything!

I don't know shit!

You're right

Besides, the only heads we have access to are cadavers

And these heads are fresh Charlie!

I'm sorry, but it's true, check it out for yourself

No!

Let's call the police No! No! No!

Why? Because we're in Mexico, Laurie

A third world country. You don't just call the police in a third world country

And tell them you found eight human heads in your luggage

Why not? Because they have no laws here!

They'll turn me into a taco! All right, what do you suggest then?

We have to think this thing through rationally

Okay? Oh, my God, Charlie

What if they have your bag? What?

Your bag! What if the person who owns this bag has your bag?

They're going to come looking for you

Laurie, I just took a mental inventory of my bag

There's no there's nothing in that bag that could possibly lead them here

His family lives in Clarion, Vermont! They're in the furniture business

Laurie is from Denver! Last name, Bennett

B-e-n-n-e-t-t!

On vacation in Mexico

Okay, that's reassuring What do we do?

Simple! All we have to do is throw them away

They lock the garbage

Senor Pritchett?

Ah, Paco Can I help you?

No, no, I was just putting the, the, the trash in the garbage

Putting the garbage in the trash, you know?

I'll take it for you No, no, I got it

What is it? It's? it's none of your business

No, Senor, I meant what kind of garbage is it? Aluminum? Plastic?

We recycle here

It's, it's really not recyclable, it's, it's perishable

Oh, well, perishables we compost It's really not compostable

Sure it is! Everything perishable is compostable

Jesus Christ!

I mean, come on!

I'm sorry, senor! Go ahead and put it in

Thank you I'll take care of it later

Actually, you know what? It's fine I'll just take it back

It's really not that bad. I just need some oil and formaldehyde and vinegar

And it'll be just as good as

Are you sure, senor? Yes, thank you, Paco

Mom, why are you bringing my inheritance into this?

Excuse me!

You still haven't changed? What are you doing?

Well, l No, not you, mom

I found a roa roa a rat in my room

And it had a ball of

I don't wanna be rude, but are you coming?

Or am I going to spend the entire day waiting in the lobby for you?

I am so sorry, I'll be right down

What am I going to do? Flush them?

Nothing fits around here

No, no, no, por favor , no clean

No clean, room clean, no clean

No clean No clean, gracias

No, I mean, I'm, I'm asking you to come, mom

But there's really no need for you to come Mom, it's two hundred degrees here

You go in here! Like that!

Mom, if we're cut off, it's the lightning

What?

Let's go rent a boat! I got 8 human heads in my room and I gotta go rent a boat!

Okay

Mrs. Pritshett?

Hi, this is Ernie Lipscomb, Charlie's friend from medical school

Oh! Great! Great! The number of as many hotels as you can give me

No, I know, it is, it is late

It's just that we've run into a little bit of a situation up here

All right, okay, the Mayan

That sounds great No, no, no, relax, everything's fine

But I do need to get a hold of Charlie. Did he tell you what hotel he was staying at?

He didn't

Right, no, I know how sons can be

All right, and that's the last one, right? Yeah, no, I'm good

School's a little crazy Well, thank you

You know how that goes

You sure he's only going away for a week?

He packed enough stuff here for a year Charlie is a compulsive packer

Sleight of Mind by Charlie Pritchett again

He's writing a detective novel

Yeah, it sounds like his autobiography

It's a pun on sleight on hand and dim-witted. You know, a pun, play on words, get it?

No, no, no, relax. Everything's fine

No, I don't know we got midterms

I'll talk to you soon, Mrs. Pritshett gotta go, bye

I popped the last guy who tried to pun me, asshole. Get it?

Yeah, I get it too. Make some more calls

You too, asshole

Charlie, this is none of my business, hopefully but, let's review

You've been pre-law, pre-architect, pre-vet, pre-med

No, I'm in Med. He's an intern

And now Laurie tells me you've been thinking about becoming a head-shrinker

Charlie A a what?

Shrink, headshrinker, psychoanalyst

Whatever you call an overpaid hand-holder these days

Actually, sir, I was thinking about that but I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm certainly aware of that Dad, enough

Annette?

Bear?

Wooly, are we alone? Yeah, we're alone, but where are you?

Wooly!

What are you doing there? Wooly! Thank God Thank God you're alive!

Still alive? Of course I'm still alive

Where's Laurie? Not with him, oh my God! Not with that maniac!

Calm down and tell me what you're talking about

What I'm talking about? Our daughter is dating a mass murderer

I went into his room to take a gift to put it in his bag

In his bag he's got body parts!

Senora Bennett, I sorry to scare you I was fixing the gutter

Dick, I am not crazy! I know what I saw!

I believe you No, you don't believe me

Yes, I do believe you, but remember what the doctor said about your drinking

I did not hallucinate Bear

I had the drink after I saw them Please, Wooly

Bear, what about the pills?

I saw you take them, you said yourself they made you woosy

Right, but then what about the bag? Okay where's the bag?

I don't know, but I was in his room when he unpacked

He unpacked right in front of me would a maniac do that?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

No, no, no, no

It's not my room! It's not my room!

It is my room, okay

Senor? What?

We clean room What?

Room clean Oh no!

Hola

Oh! I am Paco?

No I'm blind I'm blind I mean, I mean, you're blind

I'm a guest and I forgot something

Adios Adios

I draw the line on mass graves Mass graves?

You know, maybe we should just do individuals, seven of them, you know?

This reminds me of when I was a kid, I was thirteen years old

Me and my friends used to rip the heads off Barbie dolls

and burry them in the mud in the backyard

You used to rip the Hola, amigos

Find any buried treasures, gringos?

We have laws about these deserts

They are environmentally protected now you know

Actually, no, we didn't know Si, si

We got protected snakes, protected lizards

protected toads

Are you familiar with the Mexican horny toad, chiquita?

Oh, no Oh, yeah!

Mexican horny toad is a very special species

It's against the law to hurt a horny toad in any way

Oh! You just hurt a horny toad!

Laurie

Whoa, come on, amigos. Vamanos!

Are you all right? Yeah

No, shit! They stole my car! Go get them!

Senor Dick is going to kill me

I want you to stay here at your hotel

Okay You're much safer here

Okay, thank you Thank you

Thank you, sir

Senor , you forgot your bag Thank you, thank you, sir

Thank you, good night

Well, that went well

Charlie! I got it! Fed Ex it! What?

Fed Ex them to Steve!

Fed Ex them? Laurie, we're in Mexico there is no Fed Ex

Well, then, Mex Ex them, I don't care the point is just ship them!

And just let Steve innocently open a package full of heads?

Of course not, we'll call him

All right boys, I'd like to do this forever but

I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do You know?

I think it's time that I got rid of you two and moved along. Come on, come over here

What? you, you can't just kill us We're trying, all right? We're trying

Trying? What are you talking about? What does this look like the Special Olympics?

I need the bag! Get over here

Well, wait Trying, shit, get down!

Listen, we can call more people or

Yes, we can help, man

I don't know what to do I can go through friends

Can I answer that? It might be Charlie, all right?

Put it on speaker phone

Hello? Steve

Oh God! Oh, Charlie, thank God. Jesus!

Listen to me, you asshole, you got my heads and I want them back, you understand?

Who is this?

Never mind who this is I want those heads!

Jesus Christ! You're the guy from the airplane!

Charlie, listen, listen

What does this look like, a family reunion?

Steve? What are you doing to Steve?

I'm killing him unless you shut up and listen to me! Where are you?

I'm in Baja I'm six hours south of San Diego

Listen to me. You meet me at the San Diego airport and bring all 8 heads with you

San Diego airport? I'm on vacation with my girlfriend's parents

Okay, okay, San Diego

You make sure you're there by six o'clock if you ain't there, your buddies are history

But what if I don't have all eight heads? What?

I lost one You lost one?

You lost one? How the hell could you lose one?

The maid got it

What do you mean a maid got it? How the hell did a maid

What, what do you mean? What, which one did you lose?

I don't know!

Oh Jesus! I can't believe this shit! I can't believe this shit!

Damn it!

What's happening?

I don't know I don't think he's taking it too well

Charlie, listen. The guy is serious he's not screwing around

He's a psycho, all right? You gotta do what he says, all right?

Are you there? Yes, yes

Yeah, listen to this

All right, bring the rest and make sure you're there

Remember what I'm telling you now you got it?

Got it. Before you hang up though What?

If you hurt my friends you'll never get them

Charlie, what are you trying to do? Are you threatening me?

No, I'm just telling you a fact and don't lose my book either

It's my only copy

Charlie

All right! All right! All right! Forget the book, I'll be there

Yeah, you better

What's happening?

We have to go back to San Diego

San Diego? My dad will shit himself! What are we going to tell him?

What to you mean he forgot to turn in his lap report?

I know it sounds flaky and Flaky? It's ridiculous!

You mean he came all the way to Mexico without turning in a report

and for that we have to go home?

Mom is sick and anyway it's your fault

My fault?

He took your advice He's decided on something

Well, he's decided that he'll never be a member of this family, that's for sure

We're leaving How did he take it?

It's gonna have to fall under the category of blessing in disguise

I'll make it up to him I'll give him a year of free analysis

Cute. Here What's this?

It's a surprise for his birthday He likes his macho stuff

Can you pack it in your bag? I don't want him to see it

Where exactly would you suggest I put it?

If we're going, let's get going Right, dad

The shirt's for you. Get packing

And the macho statue with all the disgusting

Laundry

I didn't

Thank you

Who's this guy? He might do

Do for what? Hugo

Wait a minute

Are you telling us you're trying to find a look alike for the head Charlie lost?

Yeah. We got some time to kill before we go to the airport

Oh, my God!

But these are college professors! You know, innocent people!

You can't just kill innocent people because they look like someone else

Let me tell you something, college boy nobody's innocent

Now, who is he?

He was my anatomy professor. He almost flunked me

Good, here's your chance to get even with the prick. Get me his address

Wait a minute! I just thought of something!

What? Cryonics!

Crywhat? Cryonics!

Frozen bodies! This university has the biggest Cryonics Foundation

in the country

So what?

So it could save you a lot of troubles is so what!

You go on a killing spree here, Big Sep's gonna hear about it

When a couple of gangsters die nobody cares

But you blow away professors Big Sep's gonna read about that

Big Sep don't read

Still, this cryonics facility has hundreds of frozen bodies

Why they got hundreds of frozen bodies?

I think for situations like this Don't be a little smart ass

They have them because people are hoping that in a couple hundred years

maybe they can bring them back to life, clone them a healthy body

Are you jerking me around? What?

Oh, my God, he just put welts and bruises over 90% of my body, now you're talking

about having me help you decapitate some professors. Would I be jerking you around?

Calm down, tough guy. What are you trying to tell me?

I'm trying to tell you that right across campus is a gold mine of heads

Heads R Us. Night of a Thousand Heads.

If I was a guy in desperate need of a head, as you are, I'd at least check it out

Senor, I can't find your jeep anywhere

What do you mean you can't find it? It's red, rojo

Oh, my God. I forgot. We, we went for a drive last night

and it got stolen

You forgot it was stolen?

Well, we

This is ridiculous! How the hell are we going to get out of here?

It's not a problem, senor take a plane

Oh, a plane! A plane! And where would we take a plane from?

Here. Since you've been away, senor, this has become a very important city

I mean we have built our own airport

A plane comes every day Well, aren't we lucky?

Now, that's a Hugo

This one's good? For Hugo Porter, unbelievable!

All right, we got a keeper!

What was that? Thawing it out

No way

Good God! Look at that!

Lassie, sit girl! Stay!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Guys! Ernie!

What? I'm not very comfortable, perhaps

Why is that?

We're messing with people's immortality here. It's murder!

Technically, it's not murder, Steve because they're already dead

No, these people, they believed in the freezing thing

All right, this is like grave robbing, grave robbing, or worse

I don't see any graves. Do you see any graves?

There's gonna be two fresh ones, if you two don't start looking for heads, come on

All right

Sir, I'm really sorry about the Jeep It's open seating

Now you take these tickets and you check in the big stuff

We'll take the little stuff, and we'll go get the seats

Do you think you can handle that?

Yes, I really appreciate you

Come on, Bear. Come here

God!

Permiso, senor , do you have anything to declare?

Any fruits, vegetables, native plants?

Are you kidding?

Sobrino! Sobrino!

Mira! Mira! Que es eso?

No se, mira como esta aqui

Excuse me, could you handle me my bag, please?

Un momento, senor I don't have un momento!

I have a plane-o to catch-o, got it?

Machete? No, sera una pistola?

Excuse me, it's right there, I can see it I'll just reach in and get it myself, okay?

Senor no. No, Senor!

What? Is it dad?

What?

They found two heads in Dad's carry-on

Oh, no!

Put me down! Put me down!

Oh, my God!

Help me! Help me!

Oh, my God!

Decent, hold this one Yeah, wait. Do you need a Helen?

No, you can play with her when I leave Get over there

This guy do anything for you? He's not bad either

Could be a Stu

Yeah? Yeah

We could beat him a little bit give him a few cuts

Random disfigurement

Yeah, definitely a Stu

Worth a try anyway. I'll take him and I'll take him

Great, I'll wrap them up What do you mean take? Huh?

You know, for a future doctor you're a pretty stupid kid

I mean take the heads

No, No

No, no way! You do it! This is your crazy idea, okay?

It's my idea that you should do it

But, he's a neurologist, I'm only going into dermatology

So don't screw up the skin

Now there's a pleasant sound

Mr. Escobedo, this is my mother, Annette, Charlie and Fran Bennett

Dad's mom. She flew down to help us out

Nona, this is Dad's Mexican lawyer

Delighted Charmed

Now, cut the crap and tell us what the hell's going on!

Certainly

Miamigos, in your country

you have what you call the good news and the bad news

The good news is that Mr. Bennet underwent only very mild torture

Jesus! Oh my God!

Shut up, you poodle. What's the bad news?

He confessed and was sentenced to death

Oh my God! That little weakling!

Oh, Mom!

Wait a minute. Don't get upset yet Not get upset?

Let the man speak, damn it!

There are remedies here. This is a civilized country

There's going to be a trial some sort of hearing

Of course. When my partner arrives, we will formulate our strategy

Until then, try to relax

It's a beautiful day. Enjoy Mexico

I can't belive it

Things get a little rough and he cracks

Nona, they tortured him Oh, what?

A little castor oil down his gullet?

A little electricity on his dillywacker?

Cat piss!

I am spent!

Chopping off heads just takes it out of you

Shit!

Time to go, I got four heads I'm screwed

But you got a good start

I'm sure one of those heads in there will do for the one Charlie lost

I doubt it, the way my luck's running today, kid

Let's take a second and take stock of where we are so far

Let me tell you something, kid, okay?

Just so you know, I gotta kill the both of you

So don't think by helping me it's gonna change that, all right?

Yeah, I know, sure, I'm just saying that you're doing all right

you might be better off than you think

Okay, but I'm just saying too I want you to know

Okay, let's see. I got a Hugo, a Marty, a so-so Stu, and a bad Frank

Right, and then at the morgue, you said something about Little Joey

Right Okay

All right, so I got Little Joey, a Hugo, a Marty, and a bad Frank

No, where's Stu? I said Stu, so-so Stu

No, just a second ago, you said Little Joey

I know I said little Joey but I also said Stu

But then where's Frank?

All right, let's start over You got a Hugo a Little Joey

a Frank Yeah

A bad Stu No Frank bad Frank

That's what I said

No, you didn't, you said bad Stu, Stu was just so-so

No, sir, I said a so-so Stu You did not. You said bad Stu

Yes, I said. Everyone heard

I said so-so Stu

You said bad Stu! I know their names and you don't

Will you two stop it! Goddamnit!

These are not baseball cards we're talking about here, all right?

These are heads, human beings' heads

Where were we?

I said we have a Hugo Yes

Ho, ho, wait a minute, just a sec.

I can't believe I didn't notice this before

What?

With some black hair and a busted nose, this kid makes a decent Frank

What? Yeah

I mean I know you're a little young, but with that stubble

a couple of missing teeth But you have a Frank

I got a bad Frank, you make a better one

But you don't even know if you need a Frank!

I might Please no, please, no

Listen, please, no, listen I don't want any trouble

Look, I fly, I fly

What are you? A fairy? No, no, he has a pilot's license

You don't wanna fly commercial airlines with all these heads

That's how you got in this whole mess. He can fly us. It's smarter

I fly

All right, grab all those heads. Just leave the top one

Why?

Because the top one doesn't look like anybody and Big Sep will never buy it

Wait just a minute! I sawed this off and you re not even gonna use it?

Steve, chill No, you chill

It s not fair. I spent a lot of time on this head

Don't you think that you could've at least told me this before I cut it off?

I saw that coming

Don't fuck with a guy looking for heads Good advice

Now take all the heads and let's go, okay?

Big Sep, it's Benny Where the hell are my heads?

I just talked to Tommy a while ago. He'll be there tomorrow

First it was two weeks ago, then three days ago

I gave them to Tommy. It's Tommy's deal now

Don't you talk to me about Tommy. I trust Tommy

This is your job

Big Sep, what are we talking about here

Heads! It's not like they got any value on the open market

It's not like we re talking diamonds here

now that's what's bothering me Ben

A guy pays 80 grand and doesn't see proof

He starts thinking maybe, just maybe he's been double-crossed, you know what I mean?

Big Sep, I swear on the soul of my dead mother, I off them myself

me, and Rico, I give you my word!

Your word ain't what I paid you 80 fucking grand for, Ben

I paid you 80 fucking grand to see their fucking heads

Now you bring me their heads

Bennie! Bennie, Bennie, come in here, hurry up!

Bennie, you re not gonna believe this! look, look at this!

My God! That's Hugo! That s Hugo and Stu, I mean

didn't I tell you he'd screw up, Bennie, didn't I tell you?

This ain' t good What the hell's Big Sep gonna say, Bennie

Shut up!

Ernie Lipscomb, Please pick up a courtesy phone

This is Ernie Lipscomb

Ernie, it's Charlie. Let me talk to him

Sure. It's for you Yeah?

Hi, it s Charlie, l I lost two more heads

What? how could you lose two more heads?

The police got them How could the police get them?

The one I lost earlier, I got it back

What are you looking at?

He's talking about potheads

We re de-programmers with marijuana anonymous

He hates to lose a client

Listen to me, you little incompetent piece of shit! Where are you exactly?

The La Purisima Hotel

Don't move. Don't leave your room for anything. I coming down there

If there s any more heads missing by the time I get there

I'm gonna replace them with your family and your friends, you hear me, huh?

He really cares, and that's what makes him the best

What?

I'm thinking that once he gets these away from us your dad's a goner

We gotta move

I, I saw a place just outside of here, we gotta check into another hotel, come on, get up!

Uhm, I'll take these I had nowhere else to put them

I'll take these to the American border, I'll give them to the police

I'll rent a car I'll drive all night

What am I gonna tell my mother? Tell her anything

Tell her we had a fight, tell her I called you fat

It doesn't matter what she thinks the important thing is to save your dad

I'm not fat

Look Laurie, maybe your dad was right about me

Maybe, I'm a total nimrod who can't follow through on anything

But I got him into this

I promise you, I'm gonna get him out

Get your hands off her Maniac!

Hold on!

You may want me to think I'm crazy but I'm not crazy and I'm not stupid

you had those heads hidden in your room, and then you pinned them on my Dick

Mom, what are you saying?

I'm calling the police on him, I'm gonna do it right now

No No

Mom, calling the police is a bad idea. No, no

Laurie, I love you. Take your hand off the phone you, back off, I know exactly what I am doing

No, you, you're not thinking clearly

I am thinking perfectly. I know exactly what I am doing. I told you to back off!

Operator? No, I wasn't yelling at you. Could you get me the police please?

Oh yes, operator, I need you to get the police for me, policia?

Si, si, si, I'm trying to reach the police, the policia, si, gracias

Yes, Si, Si!

Yes, of course, I'll hold, I'm happy to hold

For Christ s sake, keep it down!

Yes, oh, hello, police, yes, I have

Charlie, hurry! Go!

I need to rent a car Sure, that's no problem

We got chevys, jeep, chevys

Hey, that looks like our jeep

Well, uh, there's a lot of jeeps, you know, senor

With this magazine in them? I don't think so. This jeep was stolen from us

I don't know, senor a lot of people read magazines

On seizures? You gotta be kidding me!

You really like that magazine, huh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

You rent this jeep, I'm gonna throw in magazine for Nada

Unbelievable!

Excuse me. where can we rent a car? Thanks!

All right, make sure it has A.C Hold on, champ. Thanks

Are you telling me I just passed out?

Come on, drink up, you're a little dehydrated

I'm gonna get us packed My butt's staying right here

Why? I hear the Tropicana s wonderful

It's a waste of money, honey! Give me the two c's, a cot and a crapper, I'm set

But

Laurie, Charlie, it's Ernie

Jesus! Who the hell is Ernie?

Nobody, grandma Well, he sure as hell seems to know you

No, grandma Is this some guy you're boffing on the side?

Grandma! What the hell are you doing?

Where's Charlie? Who are you?

I asked you a question where the fuck is Charlie?

And I asked you a question, who the fuck are you?

Now that we're in this frigging La Purisima, what do we do now?

We find a cop station and we get our heads

All right

Benny! Look! It's him! It's Tommy!

What the hell do you think he's doing? Do you think he got the heads back already?

I don't know, but why don't we follow him? Come no!

Where the hell is he going?

Keep following him

I told Charlie to stay put

I told that son-of-bitch to stay put

So who are you? God? Why the hell should he listen to you?

Oh! I am so groggy! Do you mind if I lie down in the back?

I don't give a shit what you do lady, just keep quiet

Watch your language

Ow! Fern, stop it! Ugh!

Oh! My God!

Another head? Oh! My God!

Lady, lady, shut up!

I can't stand it! I'm losing my mind! Everywhere I look are heads!

Shut up, lady! Jesus Christ!

You're not the only person on this planet with problems

Shut it!

Jesus! What a head case!

Is that supposed to be a joke? Killer humour!

looks like this guy I dated in High School

Hugo Porto

Hey, I think we're gonna pull over because we need some gas soon

Keep fucking driving Didn't I tell you to watch your language?

What are you doing? Where are you going?

Get your hands off me, you goon! Don't fuck with me!

Grandma!

My money says he ain't got the head Mine, too

Man, how could you do that?

How could I what? Throw her off the cliff?

A man can only take so much, Kid

Oh! My God! I can't believe it!

I can't believe he

I thought the old battle-ax would never die! Mom!

What do you wanna do now?

Keep following him, but I don't like the smell of this

Well, well, well, if it isn't our old amingo Oh! No! not again!

Isn't once enough, huh? Can't you give a guy a break?

From one human being to another

That's, that's very moving, gringo

But the real question is, are we gonna cut off your conjones? Or live them on?

You don't have to do this, come on guys, you can't kill me, can't we flip for it

You think you should kill me, flip for it?

What? A coin, you know?

Flip a coin, I win you let me go, you win you mangle me

you're a crazy man, gringo

Call it Heads

Oh, you sure? you don't even wanna you sure you don't wanna think about it?

I've never been more sure of anything in my life

Juan! Don't take the keys! Don't take the keys!

Oh, God!

Oh, this has not been a very good vacation

Hello? Hello!

Who's there?

Stop! Stop!

Not your kind of music I hate that shit

Are you talking to me?

I said, are you talking to me?

I don't know who you're talking to

I'm the only one here Shut the fuck up!

Are you talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you, shut up!

Shut up Screwball!

What's that? What's what?

Stop! stop!

Oh! No!

Whoa, hold on now! Hold on, hold on, just okay, okay

Hey, come here, stop

okay, don't shoot! Don't shoot!

I thought I told you to stay put?

Where's my heads? Where's my heads?

They're in the jeep They're in the coolers

Good But I lost another one

What?

Here, coyote

What's he doing? The kid ain't dead, that's for sure

Here coyote!

Shut! What?

Shut up! What? What is it?

I'm dead, shit, I'm dead

Who, uh, whoever they are, it doesn't look like they're coming after us

Not yet. Just the fact that they're here means I'm dead though

When? As soon as I give you the heads?

Or as soon as I get them across to the States

Knowing them, they're gonna let me take that risk too

Who are the heads anyway?

What? Non of your business What the hell do you care?

You spend your vacation with a bunch of heads, you kind of want to know

You think about their hopes and their dreams

Their lives cut short

Hopes? Dreams? Those bums?

You have to feel something!

You don't just kill eight people and not feel anything!

It don't really matter, but let's just set the record straight, okay?

First of all, I didn't whack them, those guys did

Second, Mister Phi Beta Craphead

If I hadn't fucked up, I'd be retiring after this

Hey! Hey! look! look!

What is he doing? It looks like he's chasing after a dog?

What if we could help each other out here? Impossible

Why?

Because you're stupid besides I'm not gonna take the chance of going across that border

Well, if you know it all then how come you're in this mess to begin with?

Because of bad luck

It's not my fault that the bag was to big to go in carry-on

There was a gift shop right next to the gate

Didn't you ever think of taking two bags?

Oh! Shit!

So I'll repeat the question, what if there's where a way we could help each other out?

What way?

I'm not into mass murder if I'm not getting paid for it

But I'm warning you, anybody gets in my way is dead

Thank you again for getting rid of fern Mom!

The going rate five thousand dollars, but you can owe me lady

Where's he going?

I don't know, Do I look a mind reader? Let's go, come on

So now what do we do? Drive to the border?

Hello no! We gotta get those heads back and save your dad

Hey! Come back here! I'll kick your ass!

Come on Bennie let's take him now I expect that's exactly what he wants

Uh, let's see, how lucky

We got here. Ah, we got Marty

Ah, we got Benito

Little Joey

What is he doing?

I don't know, it s like he's teasing us wait a minute it's caught on my neck!

Ouch, Jamal, you wanna bite, huh?

Jamal! Jamal!

Let's see, what do I need?

I need a Stu, a Frank and a Hugo

There's a Hugo

Who is it? It looks like Stu or Hugo

Frankie you suck but you're gonna have to do, buddy

How many has he got now?

He's got one, two seven, eight .

He's got all eight heads I'm gonna make him the ninth head

And you, you I definitely don't need

what a bunch of douchebags!

Lost dreams! What a crock!

This coyote won't be doing anymore running away

I got him trained!

That is disgusting I can't leave it outside for the coyotes

Everybody be still, this is our last match

Good work Steve, you asshole!

That's it, we're just gonna have to wait till dawn

Steve, shut up!

Heads up! Stop ahead!

Anybody need to use the head!

Steve, shut up and go to sleep

Oh, don't let it go to your head whoa, whoa, whoa, you're way ahead of me

Steve!

Hey, don't bite my head off, all right?

That's it, I m sleeping outside guys Me too

Steve! Get a grip, go to sleep

Or what, huh? You'll have my head?

Enough!

Mr. Hitman

I'm so alone

Ain't got no body to call my own

Ain't got no legs for walking all over

Can't hold my liquor so I gotta stay sober

Mr. hitman, give me a break

Tell Mr. Pizza that I ain't no steak

Please put on your magic sheen

Mr. Hitman bring me a dream

Jesus!

Bennie! Wake up! He's up! He's up! I'm up! I'm up! Relax!

Damn it! This always works on the Camaro

You can do it I Know. All right!

Can I get some breakfast here?

Si, Senior, please, sit anywhere you like

Bennie, what the hell is he doing? I don't know, let's go find out, shall we?

Coffee, Senor? Uh, yeah, good

Juice? Sure

Wow, look at this surprise!

Bennie, Rico, you boys decide to take a vacation?

Yeah, Tommy, you know we never seen Mexico

We figured this is a good time to check it out

Good, good it's nice down here

l know you re waiting for me to cross over to the States

But I gotta tell you now, when I do

You'll get that bag over my dead body

Funny. We was thinking exact same thing, huh, Rico?

That's his Van

The guy with the van, where is he?

Uh, he's in the hotel, Senior

You're not going in there after him , are you?

We need those heads, yes, I'm going in there

l can't believe you're actually doing this

Give me your guns

Jesus! Charlie, where'd you get that?

It looks like mine It was yours

You dropped it in the dessert, now it's mine

now both of you, put your guns on the table

Or I'm gonna blow your heads off

Right now!

Laurie, get the guns

Ernie, get the duffel bag

Wait a minute! Easy, kids

You don't wanna mess with these guys

He's right, Charlie, what do you want those heads for anyway?

He's gonna take them to the border, and turn in, right, Charlie?

You'll be a hero with her old man Something like that

Forget about it, you do that and Big Sep kills us all

Fuck Big Sep!

Mrs. Bennett, Senor Prit-Shit Paco

We're F.B.l! He's the Unibell man

Senora Bennett?

Back off

Come on, Laurie, drive faster

What have you done? Laurie, why do you have guns?

What what

Senor Pritchit, senor Bennett, what's happening? What's this all about?

It's about heads

Steve, leave him alone Why does she have guns?

Look! See? Heads ! All right?

I know, but it's okay, Paco, Paco

I told you it wasn't recyclable

Paco, it's okay, Paco

Charlie, what are we gonna do? Charlie?

What are you doing? Ernie, give me the duffel bag

Everybody stay in the car!

Steve, stay in the car!

Move, please! Move!

Hola! Hola!

I have something to declare!

His mistake, he doesn't have anything

Arrest them! Arrest them!

That's his bag! Arrest them

All right, everybody freeze!

Don't do anything stupid and nothing stupid will happen

Get to the plane, Rico Oh! Shit!

No need to be excited!

Charlie!

We're just getting in the plane and fly away, bye-bye, have a nice day

Arrest them!

Drop your guns or I'm gonna shoot him

Move in, goddamnit! No!

Charlie! No!

Arrest them! Check their bag! Open their bag!

There's a human head in the bag!

The man you arrested yesterday is in jail

for the murders these guys committed

He father is innocent

These are the guys who did it

Right there!

Wait a minute! That's not ours!

You arrested us for the wrong head! Rico

Our heads are not here! Shut up!

Where are our heads, asshole? Shut up, Rico

Al suelo!

You knew it? You planned it?

You got a future, kid! Thanks

Slight of Bag by Charlie Pritchett

Show me the law about bringing a head out of the country

It ain't a fruit, it ain't a vegetable it ain't a native plant, goddamnit!

Alto! Alto!

You can't have it! It's mine!

I spent a lot of time on this head It's my best friend!