Original subtitles

[phone rings]

Yeah, at 79 cents a minute, this better be good.

Hi. It's me. Where are you?

I'm just driving around, avoiding Dan.

I tried staying at home

and just avoiding his hot spots--

you know, bathroom, TV...fridge.

Where's he now?

He's in the shower.

Feel free to flush.

Maybe I should just come home.

Well, I mean,

what else can you possibly say to the guy?

"Don't forget your swim trunks?"

No. Don't rush back here.

You know, the kids are still at Mom's,

and you-- you just have to clear your head.

That is the most important thing

that you can do right now.

I guess you're right. I mean...

it's not a trip to the post office with an Uzi,

but I guess it'll have to do.

Hey, before he gets out of the shower...

Don't worry.

I'll hide the towels.

♪ If what doesn't kill us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest wall in China ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out better than okay ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh. You're in here. I was gonna make a sandwich.

Be my guest.

No, I'll wait.

No, I'm hungry. I--

I'll eat.

Pass the bologna?

Mmhh.

Mmhh.

Lettuce?

Oh, it's wet. You didn't dry it off?

I'm sorry.

Um...Jackie?

Dan...

Given the situation between you and Roseanne,

I think it's best that we don't talk.

You mean to each other or just in general?

I just mean that, uh, it's a very unpleasant situation,

and it's probably going to remain that way.

Well.

Perhaps a short discussion on world famine

might be in order.

You're still talking.

Oh, well, I was just gonna tell you

that I've licked that knife.

Dammit, Dan, don't--

don't make me laugh.

Oh, come on, Jackie.

We've been friends for over 25 years.

Well, I've been Roseanne's sister all my life.

Well, look, I don't know

if I'm supposed to apologize to you or-- or anything,

but if I am, then I do.

[Radio announcer] ...chance for occasional thunderstorms today

and a high of 89 degrees.

Partial clearing tonight with a low of...

Wait a minute.

More showers developing....

That used to be Dairy Queen.

What, they turned it into a carpet store?

[switches stations]

[slow rendition] ♪Breaking up is hard to do ♪

You gotta be kiddin' me.

[turns radio off]

Hello, can I take your order?

Uh, yeah.

I'll have a rooster bucket.

Crispy or soft?

Uh, crispy.

Regular or deluxe?

What's the difference?

Cheese.

You also get your choice

of bacon or corn,

mashed potatoes with or without butter,

or gravy,

potato salad or-- or coleslaw,

or biscuits with or without honey.

Yeah.

Will that be all?

I'll take a diet orange supersilo.

Okay. Would you like that with or without the lid?

Uh, duh.

Without the lid so that I can spill it all over myself.

Okay. So that's one RB,

an MC with the soy chili pepper sauce,

and an OSS minus lid.

Will that be all?

Well, that was a joke about the lid.

Sure. Whatever you call it.

I think also I'd like to take, uh,

four apple doodle pies--

[sighs]

Hey, son.

Hey.

What time's your plane leave?

4:17.

But they advise you to be at the airport

no later that 2:36.

Hand me the t-shirts, will ya?

Thanks.

I'm gonna clean the gutters today.

Oh, man. I was gonna do that.

I'll do it.

[lightly] Okay.

Wait a minute, by George.

I forgot. I'm a very wealthy man.

I shall hire the very finest gutter-cleaner-outer

in all of Lanford.

[snap]

Except you won't be here.

So I'll hire somebody.

You know how to do that?

I can figure it out.

Why are you going?

Well, I told you, Deej.

I gotta go back, take care of my mom.

I thought she was doin' a lot better.

Well, she is.

So why are you going back?

A hospital can only do so much, and she needs me.

When are you gonna quit talkin' to me like I'm stupid?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Look, something bad is going on here,

and you can't pretend it's not.

D.J., nothing bad is going on here.

Don't give me that crap! Your mom is fine!

So why are you leaving? Quit yellin' at me.

Hey, quit lying to me!

Look, I told you. My mom is a very sick woman.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Wait. Wait.

[sighs]

Okay.

There's some things

that I need to get straight in my head.

What the hell does that mean?

[sighs] I'm sorry, Deej.

That's all I can say right now.

You just hate me. Is that it? No.

I don't hate you.

You hate Mom?

I love your mother. I love you.

I love Becky and Darlene and Jerry.

It isn't about that.

It's somethin' I have to do. It's all about me.

Right.

It's just about you. Oh.

Well, you'll understand someday.

Look, I understand plenty, Dad.

Have a nice trip!

[door slams]

[Radio announcer] Locally, an Elgin man rescued his wife

from the freezing waters of the Calumet River.

Jack Voden said, "I just jumped in.

I didn't want to live if she doesn't."

[changes station]

[Woman] Hi, Dr. Suzy.

I guess I'm what you call "the other woman."

I've been with him for six years now,

and he's finally leaving his wife.

But I'm sort of feeling guilty about it.

[Dr. Suzy] How naive, caller.

Trust me, he'll never leave his wife.

They never do.

[click]

Hmhh.

I had four kids, for God's sake.

What does he expect, that I'm supposed to have

the very same body I did when I was 20?

Well, actually, I do.

But he loved that body.

Who am I kiddin'? I don't even like looking at myself naked.

[click]

[Newscaster] The government is funding

these rec leagues to keep inner city youth

off the street. They have enough energy

to play midnight basketball, but they're too tired

to say a prayer at school in the morning.

Where's our America going?

Shut up, you fat ox. [click]

Oh, my God.

They got rid of the donut shop, too.

Uh, sorry.

No, it's okay.

Well, that's all right. You take it.

I've seen Sid and Nancy before.

Me, too. It's one of my favorites.

I think they put it on the wrong shelf, though.

I mean, this is with all the Stallone/ Schwarzenegger

hundred-million-dollar budget Hollywood media empire crap.

I was kinda lookin' for the documentaries.

Oh. They're right over here.

They mix 'em with the foreign films.

Did you ever see Crumb?

God, I love this movie!

This has to be the most screwed-up family ever.

I don't know about you, but I can really relate to that.

Yeah. You know, my sister used to have

some R. Crumb comics.

She used to beat me up for lookin' at 'em.

Oh, my God! Are they the originals?

You know, the ones from the '60s?

Probably. They smell funny.

Oh. Here's a great French film.

The Delicatessen?

It's about a butcher who kills the people

who live over his shop.

Then he cuts 'em up and serves 'em to his customers.

No way.

See, the message is,

that's what our inhumane society makes us do to each other.

I mean, we slice each other up

and eat each other, blood, guts, brains, and everything.

So, like, the message is, Hey! Hey! Hey!

Like, we suck.

Do you like Robert Rodriguez?

Oh, God, of course!

He's, like, king of the independents.

And Linklater?

Totally! I mean, I saw Slacker

and thought, "How does this guy

know me and my friends so well?"

[chuckles] Felt the same way.

I'm Heather.

I'm D.J. D.J.

Ooh. Initials, but no name. I like a mystery.

So, what's D.J. stand for? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't tell me.

You know, I don't like to brag or anything,

but I make videos.

Oh, wow! Me, too! Me, too!

I want to make films that'll, like, change the world.

I mean, I love comedies, especially silent ones.

I mean, Chaplin, Harold Lloyd,

and of course, Buster Keaton.

That stone face-- funny and tragic

at the same time, you know?

Did you know he was in Beach Blanket Bingo?

God, can you believe that great guy was in that crappy movie?

I bet we know a lot of the same stuff.

I bet.

So, Scorsese, what kind of films are you gonna make?

I'm thinking documentaries

'cause I just like turning on the camera in my house

and seeing what I get.

It's way better than anything I can think up.

I love documentaries. Have you seen Brother's Keeper?

It's amazing!

So of course it didn't get nominated for an Oscar.

Of course.

[sighs]

Yeah. I think those Oscars

are all politics, anyway.

They totally suck! I mean,

it's just one big fashion show.

It has nothing to do with serious filmmaking.

Yeah, I just sit there watching it every year,

going, "Man, this bites!"

Have you seen Microcosmos?

No. Is it about somethin' small?

No! It's this amazing documentary about insects.

I mean, the people that made it, they made their own special cameras

so they could film the insects from really close up.

No way! Okay, there's this ladybug,

and she's walking on a limb, right?

And the ants are on the limb, too. Okay?

So the ants start, like, freaking out!

No way! And, like, they try to get the ladybug,

but she kinda just closes herself inside her shell.

And then there are these two bees,

and they're, like, right there! No way!

And then it's, like, there are these two huge rhino beetles

that get into this really big fight! Ohh!

And, oh, my God!

The best part

has the hottest,

most amazing love scene ever.

No way.

But only with snails.

[quietly] No way.

I mean, it's totally amazing.

You just have to see it for yourself.

We should hang out together sometime and watch it.

Yeah. Sure.

How about this afternoon?

Today? Y-Yeah. That sounds good.

Why don't you take whatever you want from here?

And then you can come over to my house later.

Sure. All right.

Where's that pen?

Here's where I live.

And here's my number.

Can you read that okay?

Yeah. I write way smaller than that before a test.

I used to do that, but then I heard

film school doesn't care about grades.

See you later.

[door closes]

Hello. Welcome to Bucky Burger. May I take your order?

Uh, yes. I'd like a superburger with--

Hello! Welcome to Bucky Burger! May I take your order?

Yes! I'd like a superburger--

Please speak directly into the Buckyboard menu.

[loudly] I'd like a superburger

with extra cheese!

A large freeze?

No! A superburger with extra cheese!

So that's one superburger and one large freeze.

No, you moron! I said--

Yes, ma'am, we can put more on.

That'll be 50 cents extra.

♪♪ [country]

♪ Lonesome ♪

♪ Lonesome and thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Mmmm ♪

This whole town is full of idiots.

Yeah.

I mean, those jerks at school,

the people that you meet on the street.

I mean, I feel like I'm totally on my own. You know?

That's just how I feel.

God, D.J., this is so great!

I've just never met another person who gets it.

I mean, a while back, I thought I was connecting

with this guy, so we started talking about movies, of course. Right?

Then he says he liked Independence Day.

I mean, how can you walk around on the planet with somebody who liked that?

I hated Independence Day.

Yeah, I really don't have that many friends

I can trust anymore.

Not since my family won the lottery.

There's a great movie. The Lottery?

I don't know that one.

It's awesome. It's about winning this lottery, right?

So at first, everyone thinks it's a good thing.

But then at the end, the winner's, like, stoned to death.

No way! You should check it out.

So, your family really won the lottery, huh?

Yeah.

How much was it?

108 million.

[whistles] Wow.

Yeah. Think it'd make everything great.

All it did was screw everything up.

My family used to have money.

You heard of Asberber drugs? We used to own it.

What do you mean, "used to have money"? What happened?

Oh, you know. My mom started using.

First it was Percocet, Valium, Xanax,

you know, stuff lyi'' around the pharmacy.

Yeah, my family's pretty screwed-up, too.

You know, at Thanksgiving dinner,

my grandmother announced to everyone that she was gay.

I think at least one of my stepdads was gay.

One of your stepdads?

How many have you had?

Let me see. There's Tom-- He's the gay guy--

Garvin, the guy with the boat,

what's-his-name,

and the guy I never met. So five.

You know, my other grandmother, the one who isn't gay?

She's a schizophrenic.

Yeah, and...

today my dad walked out on us.

Which one?

I just have one.

One, and you're ragging?

Hahh!

Hahh...ahh...ahh!

[exhales sharply]

Well, maybe now that I've burned my tongue,

I won't have any taste buds left.

Then I won't be able to eat so much, so I won't be

such a big fat pig, then my husband won't leave me.

Look at that guy.

I hate men.

I should do his wife a favor

and just run him over right now.

I'd get caught, though.

Sent to prison.

Then I'd have to prove myself out in the yard every day.

[sighs] No. No.

If O.J. can get away with it, so can I.

Alls I have to do is

get me a jury of 12 fat, dumped housewives.

[motor revving]

You better run, you little wiener!

[phone rings]

Hello.

It's me.

Um, I'm at a hotel

near the airport.

I switched to a later flight

because I was wondering, um...

well, if you're not too far away,

maybe we could meet somewhere and talk.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Look, I don't blame you for not answering.

I wouldn't talk to me, either.

But I just don't feel ready to get on the plane.

Well, I just don't feel ready to have you come home.

Well..

All right, then.

Yeah, all right, then! [click]

[jet roaring by]

[sighs]

[dialing phone]

Hey, Jackie. It's me.

I need you to come and pick me up.

I'm-- I'm over at, like, 13th and Sheffield.

No!

No, I'm not okay.

What's wrong? What is it?

My ears are freezing, my butt is tired,

and I think I have a French fry lodged in my larynx.

That's it? You sounded crazy on the phone.

You scared me to death.

Mmhh, I didn't mean to scare you.

I just could not be behind that wheel one more second.

Well, you did the right thing,

you know, comin' from an ex-trucker.

Driving and, uh, crying do not mix.

Dan finally left the house.

Yeah, I know. He called me in my car.

He called you?

I think he wanted me

to beg him to stay or something. What'd you say?

I told him I didn't want him to come home.

And then you've just been driving around this whole time.

Yeah.

Yeah. I learned something, too, Jackie.

You know, there really aren't too many places to go in Lanford.

But fortunately, I was able to collect enough ketchup packets

to take us right into the ice age.

Well, I'll follow you home.

You-- You want to go by Denny's

and pig out on milk shakes and grand slams?

I know you're not gonna believe this, Jackie,

but for the first time in my life,

I think I'm full.

Oh, what the hell?

Yeah. I'll follow you.

♪♪ [music "Lara's theme"]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA