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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:59,010 I got the ice. Haven't you finished the hors d'oeuvres yet? 2 00:00:59,086 --> 00:01:01,554 - I'm doing the celery sticks. - [giggles] 3 00:01:01,622 --> 00:01:03,556 Did you finish the decorations? 4 00:01:03,624 --> 00:01:06,286 No, not yet. I kinda got sidetracked. 5 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,351 Look! [laughs] 6 00:01:09,429 --> 00:01:12,421 This is what you've been doing for 45 minutes? 7 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:15,332 Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. 8 00:01:15,402 --> 00:01:16,733 [pops] 9 00:01:21,375 --> 00:01:23,366 Now you can call him garbage. 10 00:01:24,911 --> 00:01:27,277 Help Blanche with the hors d'oeuvres. 11 00:01:27,347 --> 00:01:29,872 What time's the birthday girl getting here? 12 00:01:29,950 --> 00:01:31,884 Roberta will be here at two. 13 00:01:31,952 --> 00:01:35,444 - Does she suspect anything? - Please! The woman is 88. 14 00:01:35,522 --> 00:01:38,514 She still tries to find Gunsmoke on Sunday nights. 15 00:01:39,726 --> 00:01:42,661 Dorothy, get the cake and we'll take these in. 16 00:01:42,729 --> 00:01:44,697 Good idea. Wait, where's the cake? 17 00:01:44,765 --> 00:01:48,360 - Rose, did you take it? - I haven't even seen it yet. 18 00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:51,700 - Ma, where's the cake? - I haven't seen it yet, either. 19 00:01:51,772 --> 00:01:55,572 What do you mean? You were supposed to bake it! 20 00:01:56,309 --> 00:01:58,243 I was? 21 00:01:58,311 --> 00:02:00,973 - Oh, Ma! You forgot! - I didn't forget. 22 00:02:01,048 --> 00:02:04,313 I wanted it to be fresh. I'll bake it now. 23 00:02:04,384 --> 00:02:07,979 Roberta will be here in 45 minutes. You don't have time. 24 00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:12,321 45 minutes? I can bake two cakes and knit you a sweater! 25 00:02:12,392 --> 00:02:15,486 Out of my way. The maestro approaches the podium. 26 00:02:16,496 --> 00:02:18,760 Gee, I hope Sophia finishes in time. 27 00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:22,097 You can't give a good birthday party without a cake. 28 00:02:22,169 --> 00:02:26,105 I recall a party with three cakes that was not so terrific. 29 00:02:26,173 --> 00:02:27,197 Three? 30 00:02:27,274 --> 00:02:30,675 Rose had planned a surprise birthday party for me. 31 00:02:30,744 --> 00:02:33,110 You were still living at Shady Pines. 32 00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:36,274 You mean the home. Say it, Dorothy. The home. 33 00:02:37,317 --> 00:02:41,947 Anyway, Rose had planned this surprise birthday party for me. 34 00:02:42,022 --> 00:02:46,288 I'll never forget it. I've never had such a surprise in my life. 35 00:02:46,359 --> 00:02:50,887 ? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you 36 00:02:50,964 --> 00:02:53,296 ? Happy birthday boys and girls 37 00:02:53,366 --> 00:02:55,926 ? Happy birthday to you ? 38 00:02:56,002 --> 00:02:59,494 Welcome to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda! 39 00:02:59,573 --> 00:03:01,564 [cheering] 40 00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:05,874 I have lots of fun planned for you. 41 00:03:05,946 --> 00:03:09,211 But finish your Mr. Ha Ha dog first because... 42 00:03:09,282 --> 00:03:11,876 ? A Ha Ha dog is fun to eat 43 00:03:11,952 --> 00:03:14,512 ? A Ha Ha dog is really neat 44 00:03:14,588 --> 00:03:17,557 ? A Ha Ha dog is a great big treat 45 00:03:17,624 --> 00:03:20,559 ? And it's only $ 1.79 without a beverage ? 46 00:03:20,627 --> 00:03:22,561 Wooh! See you soon, kids! 47 00:03:22,629 --> 00:03:24,597 [cheering] 48 00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:26,655 Isn't this fun? [giggles] 49 00:03:27,701 --> 00:03:31,159 Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr. Ha Ha dog. 50 00:03:31,238 --> 00:03:33,229 - You're right. - [splat] 51 00:03:38,044 --> 00:03:40,035 There, I touched it. 52 00:03:40,914 --> 00:03:43,576 You're not having any fun, are you, Dorothy? 53 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:46,175 Am I that transparent? 54 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,313 You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are boring. 55 00:03:51,391 --> 00:03:55,384 When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's on TV, it looked like fun. 56 00:03:55,462 --> 00:03:57,396 For a five-year-old, Rose. 57 00:03:57,464 --> 00:03:59,455 Or someone who thinks like one! 58 00:04:01,368 --> 00:04:04,098 - I've ruined your birthday. - Oh, no, you haven't. 59 00:04:04,171 --> 00:04:06,435 - You haven't ruined it. - Yes, I have. 60 00:04:06,506 --> 00:04:09,737 I'm a big dope. You must hate me. 61 00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:13,109 Oh, honey, come on now, don't cry. 62 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:15,205 Rose, I don't hate you! 63 00:04:15,282 --> 00:04:17,216 I'm really having fun. 64 00:04:17,284 --> 00:04:20,219 It's just that it took me a little while 65 00:04:20,287 --> 00:04:23,347 to get into the spirit of things. 66 00:04:23,423 --> 00:04:26,187 - Seriously? - Oh, yes. Both Blanche and I 67 00:04:26,259 --> 00:04:29,228 are having a lot of fun. Aren't we, Blanche? 68 00:04:29,296 --> 00:04:33,027 Who wouldn't have fun eating a foot-Iong Mr. Ha Ha dog? 69 00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:36,668 And drinking a 32-ounce... 70 00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:38,670 Cherry Burpy. 71 00:04:38,738 --> 00:04:43,471 If you drink three, you get to keep Mr. Ha Ha's hat. 72 00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:48,242 If you drink three, you should get to keep Mr. Ha Ha's kidney! 73 00:04:50,116 --> 00:04:52,107 [drum roll] 74 00:04:53,587 --> 00:04:55,521 Guess who's back? 75 00:04:55,589 --> 00:04:57,523 [children] Mr. Ha Ha! 76 00:04:57,591 --> 00:04:59,525 That's right! 77 00:04:59,593 --> 00:05:03,154 Now it's time for the Mr. Ha Ha birthday roundup! 78 00:05:03,230 --> 00:05:07,064 When I call your name, please come up on stage. 79 00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:12,663 Bobby Spina! 80 00:05:13,573 --> 00:05:16,542 Please say you didn't do this, Rose. 81 00:05:16,610 --> 00:05:20,774 - [Mr. Ha Ha] Jeannie Taylor! - Please tell me you didn't. 82 00:05:20,847 --> 00:05:22,838 Dorothy Zbornak! 83 00:05:24,651 --> 00:05:26,585 - Dorothy Zbornak! - Stop that! 84 00:05:26,653 --> 00:05:30,589 You're making a fool of yourself. Mr. Ha Ha's looking at you. 85 00:05:30,657 --> 00:05:33,091 - Are you Dorothy Zbornak? - That's right. 86 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:36,686 - Get up on stage, Dorothy! - Get bent, Ha Ha! 87 00:05:37,697 --> 00:05:42,134 Come on, kids. Let's give Dorothy a great big Ha Ha cheer! 88 00:05:42,202 --> 00:05:44,136 - Ha Ha! - [cheering] 89 00:05:44,204 --> 00:05:46,468 [chants] Dorothy! Dorothy! 90 00:05:46,539 --> 00:05:49,906 Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! 91 00:05:49,976 --> 00:05:52,444 Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! 92 00:05:52,512 --> 00:05:54,878 Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! 93 00:05:54,948 --> 00:05:56,939 [cheering] 94 00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:08,526 It says here on my Ha Ha birthday list 95 00:06:08,595 --> 00:06:11,587 that Bobby is seven... 96 00:06:12,666 --> 00:06:14,657 ...Jeannie is nine, 97 00:06:14,734 --> 00:06:16,668 and Dorothy is... 98 00:06:16,736 --> 00:06:18,966 I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha. 99 00:06:19,039 --> 00:06:21,439 ...Dorothy is the oldest! 100 00:06:21,508 --> 00:06:26,775 And, as the oldest, you get to lead the birthday parade! 101 00:06:27,547 --> 00:06:29,879 Here is your parade leader's hat. 102 00:06:31,351 --> 00:06:33,751 Mr. Music, if you please. 103 00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:36,812 [jolly music] 104 00:06:36,890 --> 00:06:38,050 [toot] 105 00:06:49,302 --> 00:06:52,567 Don't prolong this. I know what car you drive. 106 00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:54,573 The parade's over! 107 00:06:54,641 --> 00:06:57,906 Let's hear it for all the birthday boys and girls! 108 00:06:57,978 --> 00:06:59,969 [cheering] 109 00:07:01,114 --> 00:07:03,514 But the fun's just about to begin. 110 00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:06,882 Because it's time for your Ha Ha hot fudge cake! 111 00:07:06,953 --> 00:07:09,547 Free to all my birthday boys and girls. 112 00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:12,113 Only $1.98 to the rest of you. 113 00:07:12,192 --> 00:07:14,126 No, thank you. I've had enough. 114 00:07:14,194 --> 00:07:17,459 Oh! I think we have a cranky birthday girl! 115 00:07:18,465 --> 00:07:21,525 You see, kids, when you get a little older, 116 00:07:21,601 --> 00:07:23,535 you can get a little cranky. 117 00:07:23,603 --> 00:07:26,401 And when you get as old as Dorothy, 118 00:07:26,473 --> 00:07:29,874 you can be a real pain in the Ha Ha. 119 00:07:29,943 --> 00:07:34,744 So, Dorothy, lighten up, enjoy your cake and make a wish, OK? 120 00:07:34,814 --> 00:07:38,477 Come on, kids. Make a wish and blow out the candles. 121 00:07:40,653 --> 00:07:43,952 I hope everybody gets what they wished for. 122 00:07:44,024 --> 00:07:46,515 Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? 123 00:07:46,593 --> 00:07:50,120 Dorothy, if I were you, I'd put the cake down. 124 00:07:50,196 --> 00:07:53,495 You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. 125 00:07:53,566 --> 00:07:56,501 Besides, that's not a very adult thing to do. 126 00:07:56,569 --> 00:07:58,901 You're right. I can't do it. 127 00:07:59,639 --> 00:08:01,766 - Mr. Ha Ha? - Yes, Bobby? 128 00:08:07,747 --> 00:08:09,977 Happy birthday, Dorothy. 129 00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:18,481 I'm sorry I missed that one, but I was... 130 00:08:18,558 --> 00:08:20,788 At the home. We know, Ma. 131 00:08:22,395 --> 00:08:24,386 How's the cake coming, Sophia? 132 00:08:24,464 --> 00:08:28,366 Beautiful. I got everything. Coconut, eggs, unbleached flour, rum. 133 00:08:28,435 --> 00:08:30,767 - Oh, you making a rum cake? - No. 134 00:08:32,839 --> 00:08:34,773 Gee, I love to bake. 135 00:08:34,841 --> 00:08:38,641 In St. Olaf, I baked our birthday cakes. Charlie loved 'em. 136 00:08:39,412 --> 00:08:42,711 I remember the last cake I baked in St. Olaf. 137 00:08:42,782 --> 00:08:44,773 It was kinda different. 138 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:19,551 Oh, my birthday! 139 00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:21,951 I completely forgot! 140 00:09:22,956 --> 00:09:26,551 Well! I'd better make a wish and blow out those candles 141 00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:30,062 before Mr. Hickenlooper has the volunteer fire brigade up here 142 00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:32,724 pumping water on my clean kitchen floor. 143 00:09:32,799 --> 00:09:34,027 [chuckles] 144 00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,694 I swear, that man will look for any excuse 145 00:09:36,769 --> 00:09:39,431 to make that siren sound through his nose. 146 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,136 Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week... 147 00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:46,474 I know. Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles. 148 00:09:46,546 --> 00:09:48,537 OK. A wish. 149 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:56,354 [chuckles] 150 00:09:56,422 --> 00:09:59,414 I guess that was kind of a silly wish. 151 00:10:00,426 --> 00:10:03,759 I know you can't really be here with me, Charlie. 152 00:10:04,764 --> 00:10:09,428 It's taken me these past eight months to accept that, but I finally have. 153 00:10:10,537 --> 00:10:13,802 Then why our usual little private birthday celebration? 154 00:10:13,873 --> 00:10:16,967 It somehow feels less Ionely, Charlie. 155 00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:19,637 I mean, this is the first special day 156 00:10:19,712 --> 00:10:21,646 I've had to spend without you. 157 00:10:21,714 --> 00:10:24,979 If it had been Christmas, I'd have hung your stocking. 158 00:10:25,051 --> 00:10:27,315 Or if it had been your birthday, 159 00:10:27,387 --> 00:10:30,982 I probably would have still asked the clerk down at Tuttles 160 00:10:31,057 --> 00:10:33,992 to help me pick out a tie for you. 161 00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:38,656 I bet that would have gotten me some strange looks from the sales staff. 162 00:10:38,731 --> 00:10:41,165 Although they already look at me strangely. 163 00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:43,668 Because of the time I tried to special-order 164 00:10:43,736 --> 00:10:48,070 a double-breasted suit with a drop-seat in the pants for cousin Wendell. 165 00:10:49,108 --> 00:10:51,440 Anyway, that was part of the reason. 166 00:10:52,145 --> 00:10:55,478 The other part was I wanted to talk to you. 167 00:10:55,548 --> 00:10:59,882 I know. I didn't need a special occasion for that. 168 00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,616 It would be more of an occasion if I stopped talking. 169 00:11:04,557 --> 00:11:07,822 But I... I figured since it was my birthday, 170 00:11:07,894 --> 00:11:12,228 you wouldn't be upset when you hear what I've got to tell you. 171 00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:20,598 I've decided to sell the house and leave St. Olaf, Charlie. 172 00:11:20,673 --> 00:11:23,699 The winters are rough here in Minnesota. 173 00:11:23,776 --> 00:11:29,373 And this place is too filled with memories to let me get on with my life. 174 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:33,077 I need to start over without you, Charlie. 175 00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:35,814 And I think this is the best way. 176 00:11:37,156 --> 00:11:41,024 I know it'll be tough in a strange town... all alone. 177 00:11:41,094 --> 00:11:44,791 But I've read some wonderful things about Miami. 178 00:11:44,864 --> 00:11:47,799 It won't be long before I meet nice people 179 00:11:47,867 --> 00:11:50,165 and make some new friends. 180 00:11:50,236 --> 00:11:52,898 I have a real good feeling about that. 181 00:11:54,507 --> 00:11:57,943 So... I just wanted you to know what I decided. 182 00:11:59,145 --> 00:12:02,808 I hope to be in Florida before the next winter comes. 183 00:12:05,084 --> 00:12:09,418 But I know that wherever I am, you'll be right there with me. 184 00:12:10,690 --> 00:12:12,681 I love you, Charlie. 185 00:12:13,826 --> 00:12:15,817 I miss you. 186 00:12:16,696 --> 00:12:18,687 It's my birthday! 187 00:12:19,732 --> 00:12:22,394 You know the rules. I get the rose. 188 00:12:31,711 --> 00:12:33,702 ...and a pinch of baking soda. 189 00:12:37,050 --> 00:12:39,712 Ma, that looked like an awfully big pinch. 190 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,511 Who cares? 191 00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:47,858 Sophia, maybe you should sit down. 192 00:12:47,927 --> 00:12:50,088 I am sitting. 193 00:12:50,163 --> 00:12:53,758 You know, I'm gonna make you a nice pot of coffee. 194 00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:56,768 Don't panic, I'm fine. I haven't had that much. 195 00:12:56,836 --> 00:13:00,294 Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday? 196 00:13:00,373 --> 00:13:02,841 - Milestone? She's 88. - Right. 197 00:13:02,909 --> 00:13:06,777 After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone. 198 00:13:07,647 --> 00:13:11,481 I think my milestone birthday was when I turned 50. 199 00:13:11,551 --> 00:13:13,485 Oh, Ma, I remember your 50th. 200 00:13:13,553 --> 00:13:16,852 We were meant to go to a party at Guido's, 201 00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:19,892 but you fought with Pop. I'll never forget it. 202 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:23,258 It was Brooklyn, April, 1956. 203 00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:26,230 Dorothy, I tell the stories around here. 204 00:13:26,299 --> 00:13:30,963 Picture it: Brooklyn, April, 1956... 205 00:13:33,172 --> 00:13:35,640 [Salvadore] Fine! If that's the way you feel! 206 00:13:35,708 --> 00:13:37,539 Sophia, I'm staying right here! 207 00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:40,841 [Sophia] Fine! Stay there forever, you big Bacciagaloop! 208 00:13:40,913 --> 00:13:43,541 - I curse the day I met you! - [Salvadore] Doubled! 209 00:13:43,616 --> 00:13:45,607 Ma, it's me, Dorothy! 210 00:13:52,725 --> 00:13:55,523 - Happy birthday, Ma. - Ah, shut up! 211 00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:58,897 [Dorothy] You're welcome. 212 00:13:58,965 --> 00:14:02,799 You'll be late for your birthday party. Stan's in the car. 213 00:14:02,869 --> 00:14:05,167 - I'm not going. - What do you mean? 214 00:14:05,238 --> 00:14:07,206 What do I have to celebrate? 215 00:14:07,273 --> 00:14:09,741 A miserable marriage and leaving my husband? 216 00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:12,744 - You had a fight. - You love to show off 217 00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:14,973 that college education, don't you? 218 00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:18,312 OK, why are you mad at Pop? 219 00:14:18,384 --> 00:14:23,014 Because your father is a miserable, no-good, insensitive bum! 220 00:14:23,089 --> 00:14:25,819 - [Salvadore] I heard that! - Good, then hear this! 221 00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:29,157 May you lose the three hairs left on your head! 222 00:14:29,228 --> 00:14:31,958 [Salvadore] Oh, yeah? May you lose your tweezers 223 00:14:32,031 --> 00:14:36,092 so your eyebrows meet to cover the wart on your forehead! 224 00:14:36,169 --> 00:14:38,763 That's not a wart, that's a beauty mark! 225 00:14:38,838 --> 00:14:41,568 [Salvadore] On Sophia Loren, it's a beauty mark! 226 00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,905 On you and Khrushchev, it's a wart! 227 00:14:44,911 --> 00:14:47,539 Pop, enough! Come out of the bedroom now! 228 00:14:47,613 --> 00:14:50,446 [Salvadore] Not while she's there. She hit me. 229 00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:53,576 - Ma! - With a piece of bread. 230 00:14:53,653 --> 00:14:56,713 [Salvadore] Five days old! Like a jack handle! 231 00:14:56,789 --> 00:15:00,691 He deserved it for how he wished me a happy 50th. 232 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,024 What are you talking about? You're 48. 233 00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:05,029 That's what I thought. 234 00:15:05,097 --> 00:15:07,759 But last night, during Your Show Of Shows, 235 00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,802 he hands me papers he found. 236 00:15:09,869 --> 00:15:13,134 He says they made a mistake on my birth certificate 237 00:15:13,206 --> 00:15:16,505 when I came into this country and I'm actually 50! 238 00:15:16,576 --> 00:15:18,840 So what's the difference? You're 50. 239 00:15:18,911 --> 00:15:22,938 What's the difference? I gave him the best years of my life 240 00:15:23,015 --> 00:15:25,540 and he just stole two more! 241 00:15:26,686 --> 00:15:28,813 I've never been so depressed. 242 00:15:28,888 --> 00:15:30,822 Oh, Ma, it doesn't mean anything. 243 00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:33,154 50 is just a number. 244 00:15:33,226 --> 00:15:35,160 You don't understand, Dorothy. 245 00:15:35,228 --> 00:15:38,493 I always had plans, dreams, things I wanted to accomplish 246 00:15:38,564 --> 00:15:40,862 by the time I was 50. 247 00:15:40,933 --> 00:15:44,391 - What kind of dreams? - Well... 248 00:15:44,470 --> 00:15:46,404 for one thing, 249 00:15:46,472 --> 00:15:48,633 I always wanted to be a ballerina. 250 00:15:48,708 --> 00:15:50,801 [Salvadore] Please! With those legs? 251 00:15:51,777 --> 00:15:55,372 Come on out, Salvadore, I've got more bread waiting for you! 252 00:15:55,448 --> 00:15:58,849 I've got news for you. It wouldn't have been easier 253 00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:01,079 to break into ballet at 48. 254 00:16:01,153 --> 00:16:04,281 But I'd still have two more years to dream. 255 00:16:04,357 --> 00:16:06,291 I can't believe it. 256 00:16:06,359 --> 00:16:08,293 I'm 50! 257 00:16:08,361 --> 00:16:11,956 I'm an old lady who hasn't accomplished a thing in life. 258 00:16:12,031 --> 00:16:15,159 You haven't accomplished a thing? 259 00:16:17,570 --> 00:16:20,004 You raised three kids during the Depression 260 00:16:20,072 --> 00:16:23,007 and always managed to have food on the table. 261 00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:26,670 You had two jobs as far back as I can remember, 262 00:16:26,746 --> 00:16:29,544 but were always there when we needed you. 263 00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,948 You got me through college, by helping pay for it, 264 00:16:33,019 --> 00:16:36,477 and by encouraging me when I felt like giving up. 265 00:16:36,556 --> 00:16:41,152 Do you want me to go on, Ma? We could be here all night. 266 00:16:41,227 --> 00:16:44,492 Enough. Ralph Edwards makes less of a fuss over people. 267 00:16:44,564 --> 00:16:48,830 [Salvadore] I'm tired of this old lady business! You're acting like an ass! 268 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,835 You don't look 50. 269 00:16:50,903 --> 00:16:52,837 You don't look 48. 270 00:16:52,905 --> 00:16:55,965 You're as beautiful as the day I married you. 271 00:16:56,042 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, Salvadore! 272 00:16:58,044 --> 00:16:59,978 Tell me that again. 273 00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:02,776 [Salvadore] You're acting like an ass! 274 00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:07,218 He's right. 275 00:17:07,286 --> 00:17:09,220 Salvadore, open the door. 276 00:17:09,288 --> 00:17:11,950 We have a birthday party to go to. 277 00:17:24,704 --> 00:17:26,695 Ma! 278 00:17:27,873 --> 00:17:30,808 Pop, come on. You'll be late for the party. 279 00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:34,437 [Sophia] Er... we'll be there in about an hour, Dorothy. 280 00:17:38,351 --> 00:17:40,342 [Sophia] Oh, Salvadore! 281 00:17:43,289 --> 00:17:46,690 [Sophia] Dorothy! Er... make that two hours! 282 00:17:48,394 --> 00:17:50,385 Wow. 283 00:17:51,964 --> 00:17:54,296 Happy birthday, Ma. 284 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,175 Actually, we never got to the party at all. 285 00:18:04,243 --> 00:18:06,711 There were a lot of disappointed people. 286 00:18:06,779 --> 00:18:08,713 I wasn't one of them. 287 00:18:08,781 --> 00:18:11,773 Neither was your father, if memory serves me correctly. 288 00:18:13,953 --> 00:18:17,548 Is this cake ready? Roberta's gonna be here any minute. 289 00:18:17,623 --> 00:18:19,557 It's ready when it's ready. 290 00:18:19,625 --> 00:18:22,025 Oh, well, she won't be surprised anyway. 291 00:18:22,094 --> 00:18:24,790 Surprise birthday parties never work. 292 00:18:24,864 --> 00:18:28,129 Yeah? What about the surprise party we threw for you 293 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,464 when we first moved in? That worked. 294 00:18:30,536 --> 00:18:33,562 Almost. I mean, it kind of worked. 295 00:18:37,009 --> 00:18:39,603 Hi, Rose, I picked up Blanche's birthday cake. 296 00:18:39,679 --> 00:18:43,012 - What are you doing? - Decorating Blanche's cake. 297 00:18:43,082 --> 00:18:45,016 There, it's finished. 298 00:18:45,084 --> 00:18:47,382 I said I would get the cake! 299 00:18:47,453 --> 00:18:51,890 I know, but where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought. 300 00:18:51,957 --> 00:18:55,518 Rose, where you come from, most people live in windmills 301 00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:57,721 and make love to polka music. 302 00:18:59,031 --> 00:19:02,330 Stop it, Dorothy, you're making me homesick. 303 00:19:05,571 --> 00:19:07,562 [doorbell] 304 00:19:08,974 --> 00:19:10,908 We're coming! 305 00:19:10,976 --> 00:19:13,911 Who could that be? Everybody I invited is already here. 306 00:19:13,979 --> 00:19:17,073 - [Rose] Sophia! - Ma! What are you doing here? 307 00:19:17,149 --> 00:19:21,051 You shouldn't leave the home. You're recovering from a stroke! 308 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,317 What recovering? I'm back 100%%, knock wood. 309 00:19:25,157 --> 00:19:27,148 Come in! 310 00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:32,964 Just listen. 311 00:19:33,032 --> 00:19:36,559 We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. 312 00:19:36,635 --> 00:19:38,569 Go out to the lanai 313 00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:40,628 - and mingle with the guests. - Check. 314 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:45,076 - What's a lanai? - The porch! 315 00:19:45,144 --> 00:19:47,135 Excuse me, Krystle Carrington! 316 00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:54,316 Blanche is gonna be surprised! It's lucky I found out today's her birthday. 317 00:19:57,456 --> 00:19:59,390 - Blanche, what's wrong? - Nothing. 318 00:19:59,458 --> 00:20:02,916 I want to take a bath and forget about today. 319 00:20:02,995 --> 00:20:04,929 - Oh, OK. - No! 320 00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:07,397 Girls, we haven't lived together very long, 321 00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:10,697 but when I come home mad and say nothing's wrong, 322 00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:13,762 you have to draw what's wrong out of me. 323 00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,830 Blanche, what's wrong? 324 00:20:15,908 --> 00:20:17,205 Nothing. 325 00:20:17,276 --> 00:20:18,641 OK. 326 00:20:18,711 --> 00:20:21,339 Oh, all right, quit badgering me! 327 00:20:22,948 --> 00:20:26,577 I didn't want to tell you this, but... today's my birthday. 328 00:20:26,652 --> 00:20:29,678 Today's your birthday, Blanche? Today? 329 00:20:29,755 --> 00:20:33,213 Dorothy, did you hear that? Today is Blanche's birthday! 330 00:20:33,292 --> 00:20:36,193 - And I hate birthdays. - And she hates birthdays. 331 00:20:36,262 --> 00:20:39,026 The only thing worse is surprise parties. 332 00:20:39,098 --> 00:20:42,693 What did I get at work today? A surprise birthday party. 333 00:20:42,768 --> 00:20:46,260 Oh, I was so upset I almost threw up. 334 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,640 Did you hear that, Dorothy? 335 00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,734 Surprise parties make Blanche want to throw up. 336 00:20:55,548 --> 00:20:57,482 Honey, go and take that bath. 337 00:20:57,550 --> 00:21:01,213 We'll just forget the fact that today is really your birthday. 338 00:21:02,054 --> 00:21:05,046 Well, I don't see how anybody can hate birthdays. 339 00:21:05,124 --> 00:21:07,456 Well, because they are constant reminders 340 00:21:07,526 --> 00:21:12,054 that with each year our bodies begin to sag, our faces begin to wrinkle, 341 00:21:12,131 --> 00:21:14,065 our hair begins to turn gray. 342 00:21:14,133 --> 00:21:17,534 Of course, none of that's happened to me yet. 343 00:21:19,071 --> 00:21:23,405 But it's only a question of time until I look like you two. 344 00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:28,678 Blanche, keep that up, you won't have that much time left. 345 00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:32,016 Hi, Blanche. 346 00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:34,416 I'm here for your surprise birthday party. 347 00:21:36,455 --> 00:21:38,480 My what? What? You didn't. 348 00:21:38,557 --> 00:21:40,491 Of course we didn't. 349 00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:42,493 Ma, there's no party. 350 00:21:42,561 --> 00:21:45,894 - Maybe I should take you home. - Am I Frances Farmer? 351 00:21:45,965 --> 00:21:48,729 I know there's a party out there! 352 00:21:48,801 --> 00:21:51,065 Blanche, I guess we made a mistake. 353 00:21:51,136 --> 00:21:53,070 Look, we'll cancel the party. 354 00:21:53,138 --> 00:21:55,800 We'll forget that the whole thing ever happened. 355 00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:57,809 Whoa, everybody! 356 00:21:57,877 --> 00:22:00,141 The party's off! They want us out! 357 00:22:00,212 --> 00:22:03,147 But you're welcome to come back to my place. 358 00:22:03,215 --> 00:22:05,809 If someone can tell me where it is. 359 00:22:05,885 --> 00:22:10,015 Roger! Edgar! Burt! Leland! 360 00:22:10,089 --> 00:22:12,421 Well, what are they all doing here? 361 00:22:12,491 --> 00:22:14,823 I invited everybody in your address book. 362 00:22:16,929 --> 00:22:19,557 The little red one by my night stand? 363 00:22:19,632 --> 00:22:23,568 No, the little black one next to your hot body oil dispenser. 364 00:22:23,636 --> 00:22:27,231 Wait a minute, fellas. No need to rush off like this. 365 00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:29,240 It is my birthday. 366 00:22:29,308 --> 00:22:33,074 Who wants to be the first one to spank me? 367 00:22:36,849 --> 00:22:40,148 Boy, that turned out to be some evening, didn't it? 368 00:22:40,219 --> 00:22:42,153 It sure did. 369 00:22:42,221 --> 00:22:45,486 From that night on, I learned to love surprise parties. 370 00:22:45,557 --> 00:22:50,051 It reminded me of a party in St. Olaf, as a little girl. 371 00:22:50,129 --> 00:22:52,063 Big Sven and Little Sven 372 00:22:52,131 --> 00:22:54,395 were celebrating the first anniversary 373 00:22:54,466 --> 00:22:58,095 of their smoked herring hoagie house, when Big Sven... 374 00:22:58,170 --> 00:23:00,104 - [ping] - [all three] I'll get it! 375 00:23:00,172 --> 00:23:02,504 [Sophia] It's my cake. I'll get it. 376 00:23:08,247 --> 00:23:10,238 Ma, that looks like a cookie. 377 00:23:11,016 --> 00:23:13,280 You put too much rum in it. 378 00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:16,685 Stick an umbrella in it and serve it with straws. 379 00:23:16,755 --> 00:23:19,315 Everyone will think they're at Trader Vic's. 380 00:23:19,692 --> 00:23:23,651 Let's take it in. Roberta will be here any minute. 381 00:23:25,731 --> 00:23:30,134 I hope she's surprised. The best part of a birthday is being surprised. 382 00:23:30,202 --> 00:23:32,193 [all] Surprise! 383 00:23:36,041 --> 00:23:37,030 What? 384 00:23:37,109 --> 00:23:39,703 - Happy birthday, Blanche. - But... but... 385 00:23:39,778 --> 00:23:41,746 my birthday's not till next week. 386 00:23:41,814 --> 00:23:44,078 We know. But you said last time 387 00:23:44,149 --> 00:23:46,743 we'd never be able to surprise you again. 388 00:23:46,819 --> 00:23:51,085 - It was the only way to do it. - You did a great job. 389 00:23:51,156 --> 00:23:55,217 - I don't know what to say. - Say it's conga time! 390 00:23:55,294 --> 00:23:57,285 [conga music] 30473

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