Original subtitles

Hey, come on, guys. You're going to miss a big fight on the football field.

Oh, wow. Who's fighting?

Football team.

Yeah, somebody.

I don't know who.

Put itching powder in this wetsuit.

Who are they going to fight? Each other.

It'll be the greatest display of open field scratching of the season.

You guys, y 'all go ahead. Me and Juan, we got to...

That's right, that's right. Me and Freddie were entering the annual

Talent Contest.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, I will not permit this. Don't you remember what happened to you

year? I came in last.

Yeah, further back than that.

The scenery came in ahead of them.

Yeah, well, obviously, Lanky, we had a bad audience, right?

That's right.

Yeah, man, even the Beatles got booed when they first started, right?

That's right. All right.

Oh, that's right. But nobody ever came up on stage and tried to set them on

fire.

Hey, what kind of act are you guys going to do?

It's top secret.

Oh, I should have known.

Most big bombs are.

Why are you going to work so hard over this lousy trophy?

You can pawn that trophy for $10.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, have you heard the good news?

I hate good news.

Go ahead, anyway.

Freddie and Juan here are entering the talent show.

Well, that is good news.

Come on, Mr. Woodman. Last year, they barely escaped with your lines.

I know.

This year, I'm going to sail off the exits.

Mr.

Woodman.

and look at this. It's a threatening letter.

Actually threatening bodily harm.

These little animals have gone too far. Nobody sends threatening letters to my

teachers.

Oh, no.

It's not for me.

It's from me to you.

What's your problem, Jean?

Well, I don't think that I, as the English teacher, should have to be in

of the talent show.

And who do you think should run it?

Well, what about the captain of the football team? He's used to getting

when he's down.

Don't mention the football team to me. I have another problem with them.

What happened?

Some clown put itching powder in their sweatsuits, and now they're all

scratching themselves silly.

Now, what's your problem with the talent show?

Well, I want to cancel it. Why?

Orders of my dentist. He says I'm just grinding my teeth away.

Gene, I have no time for your little jokes.

But, Mr. Woodman, if we put this show on, it's going to be terrible.

These kids are just going to get up there and make fools out of themselves.

That's what I like best about it.

But I like these kids, and I just hate to see them do bad.

Why don't we postpone it so I'll have more time to work with them? We are

to have a talent show on schedule. You are the teacher in charge, and you're

just going to have to face the music.

Music? The closest we come to that is a little boy that plays... Lady of Spain

on stolen hobcaps.

I don't understand all the fuss. I mean, personally, I love that show. I mean,

the people throwing fruit and garbage.

And the booing and the hissing and the profanity. But there's no business like

showing...

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Keep that up now. Here, put this ball back with the rest of them.

All right, now, who's up next for audition?

We are.

My brother and me got an acrobatic act. We'll set it up right now.

always find them again.

Uh, uh, you kids just go on home. I'll call you, hear?

You ain't got no phone. Well, don't worry about it. I'll beat out something

the hall of law. Go on home.

All right, now, who's next up for the audition?

We, we, we, we are, we are, we are, Miss Trey. We are, yeah.

Curtain up. Light the light. Call the cops.

All right, let's see your act before my roe leg wears off.

because to begin this act, you need silence.

Yeah? That's all you're going to hear when it's over.

Yeah, Covelli said that's all you're going to hear when it's over.

Yeah, well, well, if it isn't Murray and Covelli. What are you punks doing here?

Well, we thought we'd come down and watch you guys audition. You see, Murray

here likes animal act.

Yeah, it's the...

I've got to perform in front of these guys. They shouldn't even be here.

got a right to be here. They're performers. And this is an equal

disaster.

Yeah? What do they do? Musical muggins?

Are you going to audition or aren't you? No, absolutely not. I will not perform

in front of them. No way.

Don't get so uptight, Epstein. All right, we're leaving anyways. You see, I

to associate with losers.

Except, of course.

My good friend, Murray.

Yeah, I'm the only loser he associates with.

So, uh, you can look for us in the winner's circle, all right? Come on,

let's go skin another guy.

Hey,

Arnold. Huh? How bad is this talent show?

Oh, it's not bad.

Last year's winner, Guido Vanelli, had a very unusual act.

He would chew up crayons, then spit a beautiful painting.

Oh, everybody in the audience loved Guido.

Except for maybe the first two rows.

That's another. We had a guy down in New Orleans.

He did a three -dimensional wall play.

Oh, yeah? With crayons?

No. He spit grits.

Hey, you fellas planning to go to the talent show this year? Sure, what's it

you, Carvelli?

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you better take your sunglasses,

because when your two little friends is up there, even the footlights is going

to turn around.

That's not funny.

Hey, look, what are you going to be doing in the talent show, Carvelli?

I'll tell you, Bo, I'm going to be taking home that beautiful gold trophy.

Come on, Carveli. You got about as much chance of winning as the hunchback of

Notre Dame has of buying a suit off the rack.

Hey, hey. Murray. Everything's taken care of, Carveli. That's good, Murray.

That's real good.

You say that's real good.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me. I'd like to introduce you fellas here. This is Mr.

Arnold Horschak.

Mr. Baudelaire, this is his honor, Mousy, his honor, Rick, and of course,

know, his honor, Murray.

His honor?

It's a term of respect.

You see, these are the fellas that Mr.

Romain has selected to be the judges of the upcoming talent show.

Hey, Arnold. Huh?

I think the fix is in.

Okay, Carbelli, did you bribe them?

Could you say such a thing? Arnold, let me put it to you this way.

They think that I'm Santa Claus.

And he's Murray the Red -Nosed Reindeer.

Come on, fellas, I'll buy you a yogurt pizza.

Well,

poor God.

Are we going to let Murray and Carvelli get away with this? Are we going to let

our two best friends work this hard and have the prize stolen out from under

them? Would the little beaver turn his back on the red rider?

Would Superman turn his back on Lois Lane? Not in a phone booth. Not in that

outfit. Shazam.

Back in Louisiana, we used to have this fox that would sneak into the chicken

coop every night. My daddy put an end to that. Oh, yeah? Put a mountain lion in

there.

And taught him how to lay eggs.

Mr. Oh,

Mr. Whitman!

You just didn't mean I wanted to see. I never thought I would say that.

Good. Why don't you run down to the cafeteria and defuse the meatballs?

You talk to him, Bo. He's in a great mood.

Hey, look, Mr. Wilman, we want to help out in the talent show.

Why don't you learn to play the flute and lead all the sweat hogs into the

river?

We would like to volunteer our services to be the alternate judges in the talent

show. Ha ha! You can't be judges.

You gotta mark a ballot.

I know you're not up to the X's yet.

Alternate judges.

Suppose something happened to the regular judges. You can't have a talent

without judges.

We're having it without talent.

Yeah.

But if you didn't have any judges, then you wouldn't have any winners, and then

you'd have to have the talent show all over again.

All over again?

Congratulations,

alternate judge number one.

Alternate judge number two, be in the auditorium Friday night.

and wear old clothes.

If you like it, you mark an X over here, and if you don't, you mark an X over

there. It ain't that deep.

All right, now everybody settle down.

How did you get rid of the other judges?

I just told the football team who put the itching powder in their uniforms.

What?

This show started the sooner we can get it over with.

All right, now I'm about to introduce to you the judges, but before I do, just

remember this one thing.

These people are human beings just like me and one or two of you.

They were just itching to be here, but they just couldn't make it.

I don't know about you two. There's something smelly here.

You think something smells? Now wait till the show starts.

All right, now these are our two alternate judges.

This one is Beau Delabarre.

fair. We all know how square Arnold is.

Now sit down.

All right, now on with our show.

For our first contestants, we have the Bonavita Cola Dancing Girls.

They are Terry, Linda, and Carol, and they are going to do for you their

of the Nutcracker Suite.

They're going to do this all on pogo sticks.

extra sensory perception, and mind reading.

Okay now, Swami, you ready?

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Come here, baby.

Okay now, Swami, I got a volunteer from out of the audience.

Now tell me, Swami, with your great mind, is she mad?

Come on, give me something tougher. Give me something tougher. Okay, now, Swami.

Let's check now.

She's got something on her foot.

Come here now, Swami.

This is going to be a real shoo -in.

Now, Swami, if you don't get this, you're going to feel like a heel.

That's very much.

Oyster's telling me something now.

Oyster's going to be a mother. Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

Little Oyster.

It's all right. She already has two kids.

I'm going to change a three of clubs to a one and a half of clubs.

as I tear it up.

Now, as I tear this up, many things are probably going through your mind. I wish

I could say the same for myself.

And now, my impression of a parade.

lunch dedicated to dirt

Eat my soup with a fork.

Why are you throwing me off?

Thank you. Thank you.

All right. Quiet down now. Quiet down. It's now time for the decision of the

judges.

We have one vote for Carvelli.

One vote for medium and rare.

And one vote.

I stank.

I mean, really stinker. I get the picture.

Yeah, I got where you're coming from. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If you voted for Covelli and you voted for Covelli, who voted for us?

I did.

You did.

You were terrific.

Epstein here figured out that she was a girl.

Hey, listen.

I'm really kind of proud of you guys.

I mean, I like the way you stuck up for your friends, but you were honest with

them and honest with yourselves, too.

We did all that?

Hello there, Mr. Whitman. How'd you like the talent show?

It was too short.

Too short?

Yeah, I got four rotten eggs left over.

Good night, you guys. I'm sorry you didn't win. You gonna do something

next year?

I kind of like this act, you know, the blindfold protects Myers against the

tomatoes.

With your act, you ought to give the blindfolds to the audience.

I'm telling you, man, we should have stuck with the actor with the last, you

know, works.

Oh, yes.

It was called the Hustle, Bustle, Rustle, Bump, Lump, Grind, Rock, Sock,

and Boogie.

It sounds like something that happens to my car.

Freddie and I illustrate it for you, Freddie. If you would, one, two.

One, two, three, four.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to the spot of prayer.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know...