Original subtitles

Arnold, wait a second. Hold the door. I want to pass out the latest edition of

the Buchanan Bugle. Oh, here let me go.

Oh, Butterfingers.

You know, Mary, you're doing so much under school paper.

You're the writer, the editor, the paper boy.

Boy, Arnold, paper person.

just loves the paper.

They just can't wait for the next issue to come out. They read it from cover to

cover. Oh, thank you, Orrin.

Listen, um, I know we were going to study Friday night for that exam on

but I have to beg off. I have to lay off the math.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's okay. How about on Saturday, then?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I have to type up the new stories.

Sunday for sure.

figures out what he's supposed to do with that projector.

Informed students make better lovers.

One for you, and one for you, and one for you.

There are plenty of pictures that you can't read, you know.

One for you, and one for you, and one for you, and one for you, and one for

All right, sit down, Orchard.

Bolivia, and then we'll have a test.

Roll it, Epstein.

Ready, and action.

Forget picking up the film, Epstein. Just take your seat. It's all right, all

right. We'll be ready for take two in a second.

Get your buns in your chair.

Come on, just give me a second here. That's what you said yesterday when you

broke the sprocket.

And the day before when you ran the wrong film.

Are you saying I ain't incompetent?

I'm saying you washed up a school projectionist.

I don't want you touching the equipment anymore.

Wait a second now. You can't do this to me. I gave meaning to this crummy job.

I'm sick of your blundering, Epstein.

I'm assigning you to something you can't make any worse.

From now on... You're working on a store newspaper.

Well, I mean, if you can't imbuegle, I mean, I wouldn't put that paper under my

dog.

Put that stone away and take your stink.

Can we talk about Bolivia?

Forget Bolivia, Mr. Woodman. The white mice are loose in the biology lab. We've

got to get them back in their cages.

Well, can't you take care of it?

Mr. Woodman, you're so much better at that. You've got away with mice.

Beauregard, you're in charge.

I'll take care of the mice. You watch the rats.

Class dismissed.

Hey, little one, don't feel so bad.

Look, my friend Mary Johnson is the editor of the Buchanan Bugle. Maybe I

pull some strings and she could do something for you.

Like get you off it.

I just might surprise you guys and turn that newspaper into something.

Yeah, you wouldn't surprise me. You already turned that projector into a mix

master.

Come on, I'm working with inferior equipment here.

Yeah, your hands and your brain.

Let me clue you into something, okay?

There's only one paper in this whole country that's worth reading.

And that's this right here.

National Insider.

Yeah, I read that every day.

And Murray, it only comes out once a week.

Hey, I'm a slow reader.

If you ever donate your brain to science, put a little note on it so they

what it is.

Hey, Covelli, man, that paper there, man, that inside, that's junk, man.

trash. What are you kidding me? What do you see headlines like this? Look at

this. Three -headed cow survives elevator fall.

Who cares about a three -headed cow?

Three -headed bull.

All right, Arnold, here's something for you right here. Look at this. What?

Burt Reynolds revealed... Secret sex appeal diet. Look at that. Oh, let me

this.

Hey, this is what I had for breakfast.

I better go home. I might be getting a call from Sally Field. Bye now.

This is my encyclopedia. This has got everything in it. Stuff they're afraid

put on television. Stories and stuff like that.

Well, I for one am certainly glad that the Buchanan Bugle does not stoop to

kind of shabby reporting.

Maybe that's the problem, Arnold. The Bugle ain't telling the untold story.

Look at this here.

Swiss doctor proves Osmond family cloning six new brothers.

We'll be right back.

Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome

back Welcome back, welcome back Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got

him on the spot Welcome back

Tell you something, Mary.

That stuff you're printing is dull.

Dull, dull, dull.

What do you mean?

Last week we had a map of the school fire exit.

What's your next biggie? A tour through the air ducts?

Mary, you ain't digging deep enough.

Like, look at this here.

This story you're doing on Mrs. Carter, right?

Says here, she says Mr. Woodman is warm and wonderful.

How does she know he's warm and wonderful, huh?

You're reading too much English. Really?

To me, warm covers a lot of territory.

Obviously, Mrs. Carter's got something going with the old gray fox.

Juan, Mrs. Carter isn't that kind of person.

I'm telling you that there's an untold story there.

You think we should... Print those kind of stories?

Hey, let me tell you something, sugar lips.

With my ideas and your spelling, we're going to set this school on its ear.

All right.

Who died?

who's about to die.

Did you hear the one about the priest that opened a fish and chips place?

Customer walks in and he looks at him and he says, are you the fish fryer?

He says, no, I'm the chipmunk.

You know, it may be hard for you guys to believe this, but sometimes that joke

does not get a laugh.

Basketball star stops wearing diapers.

Mother admits Freddie Boom Boom Washington was big laundry problem.

Southern sweat hog Beau Delabarre admits he has Klan ties.

Mrs. Carter, I'm not in the Klan.

I'm gonna need a police escort just to get home tonight.

What? crucified me too, Mrs. Carter.

He said that my parents abandoned me in a supermarket.

They left me in a shopping cart somewhere between the Gorgonzola and the

worse.

Well, I guess I better go have a talk with Juan.

Nah, nah, Mrs. Carter.

You gotta do more than talk to Juan. You know what you gotta do?

You gotta get him off that paper.

Oh, Freddie, I don't think it's that serious.

Wait till you read the untold story about you and Mr. Woodman.

Page two.

Catch the last line.

As he moved closer to Julie, her breath came in short pants.

Go ahead.

I'll be right with you.

I guess they know why we're all here.

Then again, why don't you just tell us why we're all here?

Bertie's in diapers.

Bo's in a clan.

Mrs. Carter's in love with me.

Two of those stories are totally unbelievable.

Pretty tame stuff.

What do you see next week's paper?

There's not going to be another issue like this, Epstein. This is junk

journalism.

Junk? You're calling the truth junk?

Look, you can't tell me Freddie didn't wear diapers. I know he did. Yeah, he

only six months old.

Well... I wore diapers myself when I was that age.

Put the notebook away.

Now, look, Mr. Whitman, sometimes you just got to go back to get a story.

Mary? Right. Got to go back.

This article.

Delabarre has clan ties.

I didn't read anything about any clan ties. Come on, give me a break here,

This is a misprint.

I'm supposed to read Delabarre has clean ties.

Mr. Woodman, the lab mice are loose again. Let's go.

Not now, Julie. This is more important. I'm taking one off the school paper.

What? Don't let him, Mrs. Cotter. He's tampering with freedom of the press.

Well, Mary, you have to... I have to admit that that article about Mr.

and I was very tacky. Joey's not my type. She's too tall.

Look, Mr. Woodman, you yank me off that paper, you're going to lose a great deal

of advertising retinue.

We're showing a profit, Mr. Woodman. The paper cleared over $300 this week. That

is no excuse for the gossip and all that trash.

I got the figures in my office. Next week, I'm projecting 500 bucks.

500?

Box. Juan, I think that you're forgetting what's important.

So are you, Julie. Go catch the mice.

These kids have a paper to put on.

May I?

You guys will get your teeth extracted for nothing.

Yeah? Well, if I was you, I'd start worrying about you.

Come on, come on, Freddy. What's got your nose all out of joint here? What's

my nose all out of joint? I'm going to show you what it is. This right here.

This weak tissue is what got me going crazy.

There ain't nothing inflammatory about you in here, Freddy.

Hey, that's the whole problem, Juan.

You got the entire school still thinking that I wear diapers.

You got a thing of retraction, man.

Looks like you guys got troubles, huh?

This is your story backstage, if you can. I think the people have the right

know what goes on behind the footlights, Arnold.

How could you accuse me of holding up the opening night curtain?

I was there, Arnold. You were ten minutes late.

Well, you had to go to the bathroom.

I saw the play. You should have stayed there.

And then, and then you say that I...

I have a temper tantrum. I do not have temper tantrums.

I don't. I never have temper tantrums. You said I was yelling and I was

Never, never, mister. I never yell and I never fuss.

You mostly scream.

Well, you would too if the stage manager put a lit cigar in your suit of armor.

on, you guys. I knock it off. You're taking this way too personal.

There's a difference here between friendship and business.

You guys just got to develop a detached altitude.

Yeah? We're detaching ourselves from you right now.

I think your head is getting too big for your hair.

You're so twisted.

You should model pretzels.

You know, you have really turned into a 24 -carat creep.

And you can quote me.

It's all right.

Same thing happened to Citizen Kane.

Hello, Mary.

Look, I want you to cover that girls' basketball game. I want more than just a

score. I...

I want locker room talk. I want to be able to smell that sweat.

Gotcha.

Well, well, well, what have you?

Cub reporter.

Come on, Covelli. Come back later. I'm busy.

Yeah? You too busy for what I call a scoop headline?

I spill it. All right. Dig this.

School mascot kidnapped.

When? Tomorrow night.

I told you guys don't make up your own story.

I told you to get the lowdown on the school crossing guard. Why?

She ain't been hit by a car in two weeks.

I tell you, there's still a story there.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Epstein, I think I got it. Listen to this.

We'll take her sign away and see if she can stop cars then, huh?

Look, Epstein, what about my expense account? You know I got a lot of

Come on, Cabelli. Blow, blow.

Yeah.

Come on, let's get out of here.

You know, it's a good thing he didn't tell you to split.

I thought I told you guys to split.

What's happening, man? How you feeling?

Yeah, I got something to tell you, man. It's pretty good.

Look, if you came here to heckle me, Freddy, you can just forget it. Oh, no,

ain't that, man. I got some information, man, that might turn into a hot story.

Yeah? What is it?

You know them cats, the Vendorfo brothers?

Yeah, yeah, Bonzo and Bruno. Who'd they bust up now?

Nobody yet, but get ready for this.

You ready? Yeah.

Somebody made a pass at they sister.

Somebody made a pass at Bonita?

Right.

This is great. This is going to be a great story.

Let's see, the last guy to do that was the captain of the football team, Crash

Kowalski. Yeah. Hey, whatever happened to him?

The last I heard, he was back on solid foods.

This is great. This is gold. This is front page stuff. All right.

Sling the mud. Who was it?

Arnold told me it was you.

Me? Yeah.

Must be some mistake. That's not true. I can't print that.

Juan, that is too true.

Remember when you was out and you was playing in the schoolyard? You was

basketball in the schoolyard? Yeah. And you took the ball and you threw it to

her and she caught it? Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what Arnold told him. You made a pass at her.

Freddy, I can get killed. I mean, didn't anybody say I was just fooling around

with the basketball?

Oh, yeah, I told him that. I told him he was fooling around with it.

The basketball.

Didn't anybody say anything about the basketball?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Both took care of that.

He says you and Benita had a ball.

Freddy, Freddy, I can get killed for something like this. I mean, I mean, the

Vendorfos, their life was just a rip off my head.

You got to do something, Freddie. I mean, you got to tell him that that

true. There's got to be some kind of mistake here.

It's him.

It's him, Mr.

Bendolfo. Freddie, look, I never asked you this. You just got to help me just

this one time.

What can I do, Juan? What can I do?

Tell him anything. Tell him I'd rather die than go out with their sister.

All right, Juan.

I'm going to tell the Bendolfo brothers that Juan Epstein says he's ready to

die.

Ain't you gonna ask us in?

What are you guys doing here? You ain't the Bendorfos.

No, we're here for the same reason. Pound some sense into your head.

That's right.

You gotta stop writing all of these half -truths, these innuendos, all this

sensationalism, Juan.

That's true, Juan.

Unless if you're printing, man, it could do a lot of people harm.

Cause a lot of people to travel.

So you guys didn't say anything to the Bendorfos?

No, hey, real friends wouldn't do anything like that.

Yeah, not real friends.

But I guess an ex -friend would.

...exposes himself.

At the tender... of four, a ragtag Juan Epstein began his life of

crime by stealing the hubcaps off his own baby carriage.

At the age of 12, he hot -wired a subway car and collected fares for three days.

It is later Juan failed at many jobs.

As a parking lot attendant, he lost more cars than he parked.

Juan was dismissed as a lifeguard for trying to start a nude beach.

You know, Juan, I guess a little talk did you some good, huh? Come on, come

you guys. Don't flatter yourselves, huh?

I wanted to go out of this newspaper business in a blaze of glory.

This centerfold is disgusting.

It's the only picture I could find of Mr. Woodman. What?

Hey, what's happening, Mr. Whitman? Take your seat, please.

Hey,

Juan. Heard you got your old job back, baby.

You can't keep me away from film, you know. I'm just a 16 -millimeter kind of

guy.

You mean Whitman gave you your old job back?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

He's sort of like... The question is, is he going to see the film?

Oh, sure, sure. I check the sprockets. I check the reel.

I check the plug.

What can go wrong?

The sprockets, the reel, and the plug.

Watch this here.

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

There it is. It's perfect.

Hey, Juan.

Yeah, Juan.

You know, I don't want to say anything about the movie business.

because, you know, you know all about film and stuff. Sure, sure. But don't

think it'd be a lot easier if there was a screen up there?

Go easy, huh?

The kid's going to fix that right now.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how much I've been.

And I know what it seems.

you were learning in?

Was there something that made you come back again?

And what could ever lead ya? What could ever lead ya? Back here where we need

ya. Back here where we need ya.

We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.