Original subtitles

Hold it, Epstein.

Hold it.

Where are you going with that projector?

Nowhere. What do you mean nowhere? You're obviously going somewhere. Where

you going?

Nowhere. I'm there.

If you would have asked me out there, I would have said here.

But I'm not there. I'm here. So I ain't going nowhere.

There's no business like show.

Business like no business. I'm willing to start again. Good morning, Epstein.

What are you doing with that projector?

Morning, Mr. Whitman.

I'm in charge of visual aids here, and I'm just setting up this projector to

show a motion picture.

Why, Epstein? Why didn't you tell me that before?

You didn't ask me before.

I hate days that begin like this. They only get worse.

There's no...

Biz, light show. Everything, nothing.

Looking all over for you. Your chest got worse.

How about me?

Mary, I think we're about to be harassed by the principal.

Hey, Mr. Woman, I didn't do nothing.

I'm clean.

She said he's clean.

Yeah, go ahead.

Search me.

He said go ahead, search him.

I wouldn't touch your body. How do I know where it's been?

I got to go. See you later.

I thought you wanted to say Epstein.

Epstein, is he here?

I'm going back to my office. I'm going to think about what you said.

And if any of it makes any sense, I'm going to have myself committed.

Web, web, web one, Epstein, the original Mr.

Movies. Come on, come on, I'm busy. What can I do you out of, Covelli? You're

doing your little job, right, Juan?

That's right.

Say, you're doing a job, right, Juan?

Hey, what kind of job are you doing anyway?

I'm in charge of visual aids. Why?

Because that's exactly what we need, is a little visual aid. You don't need no

visual aid, Covelli. You need mental aid. Oh, yeah?

Come here.

Juan, I'm talking genuine, adults only, triple X -rated, Technicolor,

hardcore motion picture.

What?

He said we got a hot flick.

You guys are crazy. You didn't bring an X -rated movie here to school.

Come on, come on, you're lying. Hey, if I'm lying, I'm dying. And the proof is

right here. So look, why don't you just set up the projector? We can have a

little look at it. What do you say?

by touching up the man's property.

It's like an unwritten law.

See, if a man has a skin flick and he wants you to see it, he'll say, here,

at my skin flick.

And then you look at it.

Y 'all saying that y 'all got an X -rated movie?

But look, we can't look at it until Juan sets it up on the projector.

An X -rated movie?

Come on, come on, you guys. I can't show an X -rated movie here in the class.

really show the X's?

Hey, yo, Juan, Juan, Juan, I know you can't show that film in class, but, um,

what about the projector in the school auditorium?

Ah.

Hey, we could use that projector there to show that film, huh?

That's right. In the school store, man.

Oh, no.

No, no.

The school store is open all day except during lunch. No.

Mm -mm.

Horschak. Horschak, you're a genius.

What? School store at lunch hour. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

No, no.

The lunch hour is for eating your food in the cafeteria. It is not a time to

enjoy yourselves.

No.

Yo, um, yo, Covelli, Covelli, let me ask you something. What if we get caught?

We're not going to get caught. Look, it's my film.

I'll take the heat, all right? It's my tale. Don't worry about it. You guys are

nothing but innocent bystanders.

Cornflakes for lunch!

Cornflakes for lunch!

Cornflakes for lunch! What was that?

I said cornflakes for lunch.

Cornflakes, man. You know, cornflakes are delicious.

Oh, I just love cornflakes for lunch. It's my favorite.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Mr. Woodman, you won't see me.

Oh, uh, Julie.

You got a big problem.

Some fool parents are coming in here right now with some fool complaint.

How did that get to be my problem?

Wasn't it your idea to show a sex education film to the senior class?

Yes. And weren't you the one who selected the film?

Yes, I was.

Oh, I told these people that. Did you also tell these people that all this was

done with your approval?

It's none of their business.

Now, these people are very upset by this program, Julie. You can use your, uh...

womanly charms to settle them down.

But, Mr. Woodman, this whole program was set up with the approval of the Board

of Education.

If these people are against sex, that's their problem. Let them complain to

Mother Nature.

It's sex education in the schools they're against, and that's your

And they may have a point.

This film seems a little unnecessary.

I mean, I never had any sex education. Look how I turned out.

I'd better talk to these people as soon as possible. Good.

No reason why that stuff can't be taught in the home.

Is that where you learned it?

Of course.

When I was 16, my father took me aside.

He said, son, he called me that.

He said, you're going to hear a lot of talk about the things men and women do

together when they're alone.

He said, don't you believe any of it.

I've always tried to live by that.

Oh, hello, folks. You here already?

This is Mrs. Carter. She'll answer any questions you have. Hello. This program

is entirely in her hands. You see, mine are clean.

Bye.

How nice that you could... No, let's not waste time, Miss Carter. Now, I'm Miss

Zuggler. This is Mr. Finch and Miss Jones. Hello. How do you do?

about the sex education in the schools, and we'd like to get it out of our

school system right now.

Well, I can understand your concern, but our program... Stinks.

That wasn't exactly the word I was going for.

Why don't you all sit down here? Okay.

Now, listen, we are really here because we are very concerned about this program

that you're initiating.

Well, Mr. Finch, I can understand your concern.

But if you were more familiar with our program, I think you might feel

differently. For instance, the film that we're showing today, we're going to

show to some of our freshmen.

Oh, no, you're not.

We send our kids here to get an education, not to watch disgusting sex

Disgusting may be a little strong, Mrs. Douglas.

Thank you. We are trying to show our children that sex is not disgusting.

been married for 27 years. Don't tell me what's disgusting.

We don't tell our children that they have to drive cars, but they're going to

it. So we offer them driver's education.

So they can go to drive -in movies and fool around.

Isn't there a chance that programs like yours give our children ideas?

Wouldn't they get along fine if you just left them alone?

They don't get along fine.

Do you people have any idea about the teenage pregnancy rate in this country?

Or the teenage VD race. All right, if you're going to talk dirty, I'm leaving.

Mrs. Cotter is simply trying to discuss the issue.

All right, Mrs. Cotter, but if you try showing this sex movie to our children,

we're going to come down on you hard.

Mrs. Zuggler, please.

We're concerned parents, but we're not unreasonable.

Now, I don't think that we should judge the film without seeing it first.

I agree.

Thank you. Mrs. Zuggler, would you please sit down?

This is a silly...

movie depicting the biological facts of life.

You know, birds, flowers, butterflies, that sort of thing.

But how do we know that?

Okay, I tell you what. I will show you the film and I'll stand there with you.

I'll explain the film to you just the way I would explain it to our student.

Then if you still find it objectionable, we'll cancel it. That seems fair.

Okay, okay. We'll look at your movie.

But I don't want you there because I don't want you standing over me telling

something's clean when I know it's dirty. And if it's dirty,

if it's dirty, you're in for trouble.

Well, I'm not worried about that, Mrs. Dugley. You see, I happen to like the

kids in this school.

And I wouldn't show them anything that I wouldn't show my own mother.

Now, I'll have one of the students run the projector for me. Now, wait a

I can run the projector, all right?

I mean, we don't want any of the children involved in this. Okay, fine.

projector is set up in room 11. You can just start it. It's up at the top of the

stairs. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome.

Little one, before you start the movie, I got to go get some popcorn. I

can't watch a movie without hot -buttered popcorn.

Just get an ear of corn because this film is so hot.

The corn will pop itself.

Yeah,

he said the corn will pop itself.

All right, all right. Quiet on the set. Quiet on the set.

Yeah, well, I want to know where's my flick.

Mrs. Carter probably got your flick. In the other projector.

Disgusting.

Disgusting film.

Phil's heads are going to roll for this. I've never been so offended in my life.

There is a possibility we may be too late.

Sorry, Mr. Woodman. When those people see that film, this day will get better

and better.

This piece of filth is all the evidence we need. I have to go along with Mr.

Juggler. This is nothing but pure filth. And you are nothing but an

irresponsible trollop.

Now, just a minute. Just a minute.

I will remind you that we are ladies and gentlemen. We should behave with

dignity and decorum. And as for you, you sawed -off little twerp.

You are going to jail. You're going to ruin my career and put me in jail?

I don't understand what's going on here. Well, I'll tell you what's going on

here. You're showing pornography to innocent school children. Right. We just

looked at this so -called sex education film, and it's nothing but trash.

May I see this film, please? Oh, give it to him. It's evidence.

That's all right. We have three witnesses who've seen this vile film.

I saw that film myself. I cannot believe that this is happening. I cannot

believe this is happening.

I can't believe this is happening either.

going to blow the whistle.

Take your hands off me.

Mr. Woodman, I just cannot understand those people getting so upset about a

little film called The Passionate Plumber.

Mr. Woodman, this is not our film.

What are we going to do?

With time off for good behavior, I'd say about ten years.

Is it true Mr. Woodman may get canned?

Both of us. And not may, will.

What if he said it wasn't your fault, huh?

What if he said somebody switched the movies, huh?

What do you guys know about this?

Oh, uh... Hey, that's a long, sad story.

Indeed.

It's a veritable comedy of errors.

Make me laugh.

Hey, Mrs. Cotter.

Speaking for the tongue -tied trio, here's how they explained it to me.

You see, Carvelli brought this certain film to school and he didn't have it.

Murray did. But Murray just carried it for Carvelli and Horschak picked it up.

However, the film that Horschak picked up, it wasn't Carvelli's. But Carvelli

grabbed it and gave it to Murray.

So the film Epstein put in the projector wasn't yours. It was Carvelli's. And

the one that Carvelli took from Horschak and gave to Murray, that was yours.

Are you following me?

No.

Well, anyway, now...

in Washington said... Thank you very much, F. Lee Delabarre.

Take your place back with the other guys. Thank you. Thank you. I would like

talk to the parties involved.

Juan.

Okay, okay. Covelli bought this film in the school.

The Passionate Plumber.

The very one.

So when I decided that... Wait, wait, wait. Who put that film in my projector?

I did, but you gotta understand the circumstances... Oh, that's enough.

Um, guys, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Juan alone.

Deal with it.

Juan, just say you didn't know what you're doing, you know? That covers

% of what you do anyway.

Hey, thanks a lot, guys, huh?

Now, sometimes I get myself mixed up with the other guys.

Okay, Juan, if you put that film in that projector, I want you to go to the

parents and tell them.

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't do that. I mean, I can't tell them the truth. I'm going to get

My mother's going to find out. Socially, I'll be ruined.

I'd be the laughingstock of the ghetto.

Juan, we're talking about responsibility here.

You were responsible for that film, and we are responsible for you.

Couldn't you tell them the butler did it?

No, I'm sorry. I can't.

Okay, Juan, don't worry. I won't think on you.

The parents want blood. I'll just give them mine.

Come on, come on. That ain't fair. Now, it wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was, Juan. You see, I made one very big mistake.

What was that?

I trusted you.

Look, it's unfortunate that this had to happen, but it was all a

misunderstanding and it was my fault. Mr. Woodman had nothing to do with it.

Now, just a minute, Ms. Collins. Now, let her finish.

I started the program. I selected the film. I should be the one to suffer the

consequences.

Well, I appreciate that, Julie, but I can't let you do it.

I authorized this program and I'm responsible for it.

Isn't this quaint?

First she says she's responsible, then he says he's responsible.

Who's going to take the blame next, the school math cop?

I did it.

I set up the projector, I put the film in it. So go on, go on, send me up to

big house, all right?

Hey, hey, hey, come on, take it easy.

One bad movie a day is enough.

You dear, dear people.

You saw... a wrong film. This is the film that you were supposed to see.

Do you expect us to believe that the whole thing was a mistake?

Can you get these children out of the room?

That's the first time anybody called us children.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'd like to hear what they have to say.

Well, why? We know what we saw.

Well, that's true, but I've been thinking. I mean, they're intelligent

Why would they suggest that we see a film that was sure to insult us?

Hey, hey, Shakespeare, read my lips, huh?

I told you, I set up the wrong film.

Okay, that's enough.

Look, I appreciate you boys trying to take the blame, but Juan was just

following my orders. I gave him the film to put in the projector.

What are you talking about?

Why, Mrs. Carter?

To prove a point.

To show you the difference between sex education and pornography.

Too many of our kids get their sexual knowledge from films like you saw

yesterday.

Think about it. Is that how you want your kids to learn the facts of life?

Yeah.

No.

That's what we're trying to stop.

That's right. Then we should try and stop it together.

Instead of trying to stop responsible sex education.

Are you saying that... Your sex education class will keep our kids out

filthy movies.

No. We can't always control what they see.

But if the school, the home, the community, and the church all work

can arm our kids with the truth so that movies like this won't mislead them. I

think I'm getting the message, Miss Conner.

Well, I knew you would once we came up with the truth.

Okay, I'm going to ask you one last favor.

I want you to see the right film.

And then, if you still don't approve, I'll hand in my resignation without

another word.

She'll do it, too.

I guarantee it.

Well, personally, Miss Cotter, I want my children to learn about sex at home.

But I'm beginning to see your viewpoint, and if this movie's what you say it is,

I won't oppose it. Good.

Okay, Mr. Epstein, would you bring in the projector, please?

Certainly.

Okay. Uh, here's the film, Mrs. Carter, the Birds and the Bees movie.

Are you sure you want them to see that butterfly?

Uh, you know, it might be better if the children left the room, just in case.

Oh!

Hey, come on, Horshack, come on.

You know, you surprised me. I thought you knew everything about six.

I do, but I just want to see the end of the movie.

I want to find out if the hummingbird and the daisy get married.

Hey, Mrs.

Carter, we just showed up against this wall over here.

Thank you, Mr. Epstein.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter. Want me to load it up for you?

No, I think I'd better do it myself this time.

Here, you do it.

Well, come on, Mrs. Carter.

Trust, huh?

That's right, Juan.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I don't mean to interrupt, but there's a certain piece

property that's rightfully mine, and I think it should be returned.

He said, fork over the flick.

Yeah, well, your certain piece of property is in a certain place in the

basement. The incinerator.

Yeah, yeah, your movie was elected to the Hall of Flames.

Yeah, Carvel, it sounds like your film's hotter now than it was before.

If I don't understand, that's an expensive film. I think we should take

little collection so I can get my film back. What do you think, huh?

What was that about a film, Carvelli?

Oh, no, I didn't say anything about a film, Mrs. Carter. I was talking...

Murray, Murray, did I say anything about a film? Yeah, Carvelli, you were saying

that you... Excuse us, Mrs.

Carter, Mr. Woodman, but we got a choir practice.

See you later.

About this film business, will somebody please explain to me what happened? Oh,

Mr. Woodman, allow me to elucidate.

You see, The female butterfly with her wings all aglow in black

and yellow. Come on, come on. That ain't what he's talking about.

Oh, wait a second. Let him finish.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

We're all in good spot, friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know what I've seen.

Was there something that made me come back again?

Then what could ever lead ya?

What could ever lead ya?