Original subtitles

Well, guys, here it is, lunchtime again.

Otherwise known as Mother's Revenge.

Yeah, hey, Arnold.

That's one form of child abuse that they ain't doing nothing about.

Let's see what those little mothers packed for us today, huh? Right.

Oh, my.

What you got, Arnold?

Peanut butter and prune.

And she knows I hate peanut butter.

Well, it beats what I got.

A leftover turkey sandwich.

What's wrong with that, Freddy? It was leftover since last Thanksgiving.

What do you got, little one?

I got my typical Wednesday afternoon special.

Chopped liver burrito.

I got a good lunch today. Listen to this.

Swiss cheese and cornflakes on rye.

Suddenly, my peanut butter and prune sounds very tasty.

No, it's neat.

You know what you do? You take the Swiss cheese, and you take cornflakes, and

you stuff it in little holes.

This way, when you eat it, you don't get any cornflakes on your lap.

Hey, guys, what do you say we have a grab bag, huh? Yeah, put it on in. Hey,

that's a good idea. There you go. Shake it up.

All right, let me get it. Hold it. Okay, now everybody close your eyes, all

right? Okay.

Get on your mark.

Get set.

liver burrito.

Like a cornflakes. Hey, this is a good idea.

Well, well, well, look at this Murray.

Little babies is eating their lunches that their mommies made for them.

They say you eating baby food.

Hey guys, don't you know that it was bad manners to look so ugly while people

was eating?

Yeah, well, anyway, look at it. You guys are sitting there brown bagging it.

And, uh, I'm eating a lunch that's been made by a professional.

A real white burger.

Hey, I know they didn't make that in the school cafeteria.

Of course not. Say, of course not. I got this at the burger czar.

Where the burgers are.

This is a Rasputin special with Russian dressing.

He's talking about a commie burger to go.

Hey, Yaz, maybe we could go there tomorrow for lunch, huh? Forget it.

Unless you got a car, you can't eat there. It's strictly a driving joint.

He said no wheels, no meals.

Oh, wow.

And we gotta forget about it, man.

No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. I hate to see you guys confined

eating this meager fare for yet another day.

Do you mean to say that you would drive down to the burger czar where the

burgers are to get a burger for us?

I'm going to do better than that, Arnold.

I'm going to sell you my car.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. No need for hesitation here.

Gentlemen, I am prepared to offer you a very, very sweet deal. Yeah, that sounds

like what happened when Uncle Louie tried to sell us a car. Yeah, which

out to be the worst experience of all our lives.

Hey, Maria.

Pull up a burger. I think we'll take a listen to this little story here.

All right, it all started when we all saved up enough money where we thought

could buy a car, right? So my Uncle Louie said he could get us a good deal

it. So we all call Uncle Louie, and he comes back to us and makes it $150.

Hey, Vinny, don't forget to add in my life savings.

Oh, yeah, $150 plus 87 cents.

Guys,

we just bought ourselves a car.

I just can't wait until the local peasantry gets a load of me behind the

Sweet Arnold, slow down. Almost there.

Whiplash!

Call my lawyer.

I'm doing all the driving. Here.

Because my Uncle Louie gave us a good deal on a car.

And I put in most of the money, 90 bucks, and I got most of the experience

behind a wheel anyway, so I get to do it all.

Yeah, but Vinnie, you spend most of your time in the back seat.

Well, that's behind a wheel, ain't it?

Yeah, well, I put in the next highest amount, so I get to ride shotgun.

Yeah, yeah, well, my 25 bucks bought me a window seat in the back.

Hey, what do I get for my 87 cents?

You get to ride up front, under the hood.

your nose for a dipstick.

HR, tell me now, when do we get the car?

All right, well, I told my Uncle Lou that I'd give him the money this

and he said he dropped the car by the hospital after school, so... Ooh, look

out, nurses! Here we go!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.

Girls, you better go off to class, okay?

Something has to be done about all these students in these hallways. They're

everywhere.

Why can't we be like other schools and have more dropouts?

Good morning, Mr. Woodman.

Where is Miss Sharbeck?

She called me to sub for her again today.

What is it this time?

I don't know. She said she has too many white cells in her blood.

Not quite sure what it means.

There's a white sale at Bloomingdale's.

And there's a white sale at Macy's. And there's a white sale at Gimble's. And I

could go on.

No, don't. I get the picture.

Send Gabe into my office, will you please?

You know, these halls would not be nearly as crowded if he got on the ball

started expelling some of these students.

Gabe isn't here either.

Oh. Oh, you think maybe, uh, Gabe and Miss... I'm a little something.

No, Mr. Woodman, he's at that school board seminar upstate. Another seminar?

I give him a promotion and right away he's a social butterfly.

Mr. Woodman, when you were vice principal, you went to those school

seminars all the time.

Yeah, and what did I get out of it?

Year after year, seeing the same dreary faces, hearing the same boring lectures,

eating the same stale finger sandwiches.

God, how I miss them.

How you doing, Mr. Woodman?

Gangsters.

Mrs. Carter.

So, where's the mister?

He's at a seminar, Arnold. He'll be back late tonight.

Oh, yeah? Well, we got some good news for him. Perhaps we could drop by your

residence tonight.

Not drop by, Vinnie. Yeah, yeah. It'd be more like cruise.

the maximum speed limit of course. What are you guys talking about?

We got ourselves a car.

What?

Are you crazy? That's grand theft.

Now, I don't know where you got this car, but take it back and turn

in and maybe you'll get suspended sentences.

Mr. Woodman, I am ashamed of you as long as you've known these boys and you are

ready to think of the worst of them. Yeah.

Come here, fellas.

Come on.

Now, I don't care where you got that car. I want you to take it back, turn

yourselves in, and maybe you'll get suspended then.

Uh, come on, Mrs. Cotter. This ain't no hot car.

Well, it is when we're in it. Yeah.

Hey, look here, Mrs. Cotter.

Vinnie's Uncle Louie, he sold it to us for 150 bucks. And 87 cents.

Which should put us on the road to a car full of kissy face.

Girls.

That's right.

Girls. Hover, hover, hover. Before you get your engines all revved up, let me

remind you, no decent girl would be caught dead with a sweat hog.

What does that make me? I married one.

You're different. You're from Nebraska.

You were brought up with hogs.

victory dancer in yet? Oh, just a second. I'll check.

Hold on your hats, boys. Tonight we make the big touchdown in the sky.

Oh, yeah. We're about to join the major league.

Oh, come on. Those girls are cheerleaders. They never go out with us.

Oh, yeah?

Will you watch old Juan circumnavigate this situation here?

Morning, ladies.

Would you and your friends like to go out with me and my co -horses?

Think of what being seen on the arm of a star basketball player will do for your

image.

Yeah, it'll make me look short.

Your mama's short.

You guys don't know how to do anything. You want to see a pro get the job done?

Yeah. All right. Take notes, if you like.

I hate hospitals. Why do we got to pick our car up at a hospital?

It's because Benny works here and his uncle's going to drop the car up here.

Gee, I wonder if this car comes fully equipped.

Well, I know them cheerleaders showing up there.

I got us a decoration for the car.

Oh, no, little one. A nice, thank Christopher belongs in the front.

Let him bring his own dice.

Why, they ain't loaded.

According to the New York driver's manual, and I quote, nothing may be

or on a vehicle so that it obstructs the driver's clear view through the

windshield. I'm sorry.

I gotta use the dice. I ain't got no baby shoes.

Yeah, his family's still using them.

They kept the shoes and they bronzed his feet.

I talked to Uncle Louie's house, and they said that Uncle Louie left about an

hour ago, so he should be here any minute. Oh, good. Hey, Vinnie, since

going to be doing all of the driving, I would like to test you on the laws that

govern our local highways and our byways, okay?

Let's start with page one, hand signals. All right.

What does this mean?

Oh, I know what that means. That means your underarm deodorant ain't dry yet.

It's in Corner Bay Parkway and 86th Street. No doubt from not using the

hand signals.

Get this patient into exam room three. Step.

Barbarino, move that patient now. Ray, Ray, see that? When they need a real

doctor, they get Barbarino.

Look at this poor guy. He probably didn't even know what hit him.

Hey, this ain't no patient. This is my Uncle Louie.

It's a sad day in Brooklyn.

Hey, man, that's bad news, boy, to be in a car accident.

In our car!

Hey, Murray, give me another hamburger.

This is definitely a two -hamburger story if I ever heard one.

You say this is a meaty story.

Let me ask you something.

If your uncle wrecked a car, Before you got it, why didn't you just get your

money back?

I didn't know whether the car was wrecked before I bought it.

Look, the only thing I knew was the worst thing that ever happened to us,

Yeah.

This is the worst

thing that's ever happened to me. My favorite Uncle Louie, my own flesh and

blood, and he's lying in there with multiple confusions.

That sounds real bad, Vinnie. Did he say where he was hit? In the arm.

Was his arm inside or outside of the car when it was hit?

I don't know. I guess it was the door. They said it was broken in two places.

The door?

No, his arm.

Oh, for a second there, I thought I lost my window seat.

Hey, Vinnie, I don't want to sound indelicate at a time like this,

Did your uncle happen to mention the state and condition of the car?

Of course not. He was just in an accident. Why would he do that?

Did he? I want you to take a wild guess now, buddy.

What do you think your uncle was driving in when he had the accident?

He was delivering a car that we just bought.

He wrecked our car.

He wrecked...

All we know is that your uncle is wrecked.

That's true, Vinnie. There are a lot of accidents in which a person is seriously

injured and the car has but a scratch on it.

Of course, those accidents usually involve a pedestrian.

Wait here just a minute, and I'll check with the doctors and see if the family's

allowed in yet. I'm not a family. I'm his wife.

Aunt Josephine, please don't worry. I'm sure Uncle Louis is going to be just

fine.

Oh, you are so nice to be here.

In my hour of need, you are a saint.

This is Horshack. Hi.

And that is Washington.

Hi, Mama Mia. And he's Epstein.

Hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this stupid Uncle Louie went and wrecked our car.

Just hold on here.

Nice to meet you.

Now, look, don't worry, girls. You just show up here at the hospital, and we'll

take care of everything.

You're going to break your mother's heart to know it better.

Mrs. Barbarino. Yes? The doctor says you can visit your husband just for a

minute. He's in room 110.

Wait a second.

Before you go in there, you've got to find out some things for us, okay?

Anything. Anything.

You boys are so, so good to be so considerate about his Uncle Louie. What

want to know? How bad was the car hit? Will it still run? If not, can the back

seat be salvaged?

What did I tell you?

and crap's here. Yeah, we should be shooting your Uncle Louie.

How could my Louie end up like this?

Oh, no. He died of a broken arm.

No, he's going to be fine.

It's what he's done that is so horrible.

I tell you, it is the will of God. The man is being punished.

Uncle Louie did something to God?

Worse than that, your Uncle Louie's in some shady business deal. You see?

mention it a little while.

Back off. This here is family stuff.

All right, all right. We're going to back off. We're going to back off. But

my family ever starts some shady business deal, see if I let you listen.

Why would Uncle Louie do that? It was so bad.

This never would have happened if he hadn't have bought her that wreck.

Oh, no. The car is wrecked, huh? The car was a complete wreck when he bought it

in the junkyard for $25.

$25? Yeah, and he's going to try to sell it for $150 to some sucker.

Poor suckers. But don't worry.

I did the right thing. Yeah, broke his other arm.

No.

No. I got his wallet right here with the $150 I got him this morning. And I'm

going to take it to the church and put it in the poor box.

But you can't do that, Aunt Josephine. But then, Chancey, these things are best

left in God's hands.

Yeah, but...

Maybe God is busy.

God is never too busy to take $150.

Well, you don't understand something there, Joseph. That money is mine. I'm

sucker. He sold the poo.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, you have such a sweet mouth.

How can you say such lies about your uncle?

They ain't lies there, Joseph. What did I lie about my favorite uncle, Louie?

The guy who, when I was a little kid, he took me to Coney Island.

He made me play stickball and bought me my first mitt. What did I lie about my

favorite uncle?

I'm telling you, that rotten louse stole my $150.

Just give me the money. It's no big deal.

Vinnie, if this is your money, I want you to have it.

Good, thank you. Not until your uncle looks me in the eye and tells me with

own lips.

Okay, come on. Let's go find out. Good.

Mrs. Barbarino, you might as well go home and get some sleep. We've just

your husband a sedative.

It's okay.

I'm sure Uncle Louie can't sleep with all this stuff on his mind.

Why don't I go see if he's awake and you stay here and wait for us to come back,

okay?

Okay,

you

guys know what to do, right?

Vinnie, I'm telling you, man, this ain't gonna never work. She ain't gonna

believe this. Uncle Louie, do you want your money back?

Of course. Then do it.

Hey, for 87 cents, I'll try anything.

All right, Epstein, Epstein, you know what to do?

All right, good. Let's go.

Aunt Josephine. Oh, Louie, Louie, oh, my Louie, my Louie, oh, my Louie.

Aunt Josephine, we've got to act quick now, because he's under the influence of

a sleeping pill, and I've got to get him to the intensive restroom.

Uncle Louie, tell her that it's my money.

See, he said it was my money.

Vinnie Barbarino, what are you doing with this patient?

I think he's got appendicitis.

I cannot believe it. Not until my Louie looks me in the eye and tells me that

this is your money.

Tell her I'll...

Thank you, Uncle Louie.

Hey, we can stop this now. We got our money back.

Oh, thank you. I feel so much better. You have wonderful hands.

Hey, come on, you guys. We're going to be late for the game.

Oh, we ain't going to be late, baby, because we're ready to move any time.

Oh.

Aunt Josephine.

When you see Uncle Louie again, he's going to be a different man.

So you see, it all turned out all right anyway because we still got to keep the

date with the cheerleaders. Oh, yeah.

And may I say we also got our money back, too.

And Uncle Louie turned out just fine.

This lunch has proven to be a most, most educational experience.

Sure. Never buy nothing from a Barbarino.

No. Never eat nothing from a Burgasar.

He'd say...

Welcome back.

Your dreams, will you tickle it out?

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.