Original subtitles

Honey, did I ever tell you about my uncle Milton the medium?

Medium rare?

No, he was a famous spiritualist. Every Friday night he would have a seance.

They would join hands and try to contact the spirit world.

Did he have any luck?

Well, one night they were all joining hands. They were trying to contact the

spirit world.

And Milton said, I feel a spirit in the room. Come forth, spirit.

The spirit says, okay, I'm here.

My name is Max.

And Milton said, in life, Max, what did you do?

And the spirit said, I was a waiter.

And Milton said, come closer, Max.

And Max said, I can't. It's not my table.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

The eruption of Mount Vesuvius was one of the great natural disasters of all

time. Who can name another natural disaster?

Juan.

Arnold.

No, I want you to name a natural disaster.

I did.

Arnold.

Arnold.

I'm a natural disaster.

This from a man whose socks burst into tears every time they pass a laundromat.

Hey, hey, guy, my socks don't cry.

They're men.

Now, who else wants to say something about my socks?

Sit down, sit down.

All right, we're talking about natural disasters.

Now, I'd like someone to give me some... You mean earthquakes, for example.

Quiet, Vinnie.

Very good, Vinnie.

I didn't know that you knew about earthquakes.

I know a whole lot about them.

Well, good. Tell us something.

What?

What do you know about earthquakes? Which ones do you know about?

The third one.

Didn't anyone do their homework last night?

I did my homework, Mr. Carter.

Yeah? What you study?

Eyeshadow through the ages?

Beauty is a gift. It requires maintenance.

I know where you're coming from.

Epstein's got a gardener that comes in twice a week to weed out his hair.

A gardener won't do it. What he needs is an exterminator.

That's enough dying.

Laura, what did you do your homework on?

Herself.

It's a favorite subject.

Actually, Mr. Cotter, I study all about natural disasters.

You know, how to survive in them. What kind of food to eat.

Things we never thought were edible before.

Like what?

Mascara?

No, like tree barks and wild roots.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Hey, Freddy, did you have your wild roots today?

I don't use wild roots no more. I use afrosheen.

just because she did her homework.

All right, let's make fun of her for something else.

Okay, how about her nose?

It's too small.

Arnold, give her some nose.

All right, all right. Now, everybody, I want your homework tomorrow.

Yes! You got it. Right after we finish going to Coney Island.

Coney Island can wait.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, not this time. This time they got a

new attraction.

Half man, half woman. Yeah. The sign outside says he can't keep his hand off

herself.

All right. Can I see a minute?

Sure.

That's a very interesting topic you picked about natural disasters. You know

to survive?

Thank you.

But I'd like to talk to you about...

Putting makeup on in class, it's distracting the rest of the students.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Goddard.

Next time you come to school, leave the Avon lady at home.

Okay, you see, I only meant to... Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. You don't look fine. You look kind of pale.

What? I'm having trouble.

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura! Laura!

Laura, are you okay?

Laura.

Laura.

What are you doing? Leave that child alone.

What happened?

Why are you kissing me?

I've learned to live with my loneliness. Why can't you?

Very good.

Mr. Woodman, Laura fainted.

Of course she fainted. Who wouldn't with a 200 -pound ox on top?

You won't get away with this. Mr. Woodman, you got it all wrong. She

breathe. I was trying to help her.

What happened?

What happened, Laura? You fainted. What happened?

I'll tell you what happened. Teacher goes berserk. Film at 11.

Mr. Woodman, that's not true.

Is it, Laura?

after class. Okay, okay, that's enough.

All right, Carter.

I've got you now.

I'm going to make two phone calls.

The school board and the National Enquirer.

I know the untold story.

Laura, come on. Back, Carter, back. Haven't you had enough?

Stay away, Carter. I have a whistle in my pocket.

Nobody at Buchanan takes Woodman seriously.

That's why they made him vice principal.

You're right. It's just that the whole thing is so ridiculous.

Best thing to do is just put it out of my head. Right.

Not that it matters, honey, but how pretty is this girl?

She's very pretty. Why?

It's really funny that the homely girls never seem to faint.

They do, but nobody pays any attention.

Why am I doing jokes?

Julie, I just don't know what happened. One minute she was fine, she was putting

on makeup in the middle of the class, and the next minute she falls down in

front of me. Why?

Maybe her makeup was too heavy.

Look, I'm sure by now Laura's told Woodman everything.

You think so?

Sure, the whole thing's ridiculous.

You're right. The whole thing's ridiculous.

I mean, a paramedic gets paid for what I did.

They'll probably give me a medal.

Right.

Either that or they'll bronze your lips.

Honey, why don't you go say goodnight to the girls?

Yeah, okay.

Just don't kiss them.

They have colds, remember?

Not a pretty picture.

Everything going okay between you and the old man?

Yeah.

We just want Mr. Carter to know that we believe he would never do anything bad.

But then we're just innocent children.

Like Laura used to be.

How can you do this to me?

I haven't even dated yet.

Look, guys, this is not funny.

You are talking about the molester I love.

Now that's funny.

We just want Mr. Katya to know that we're going to stand behind him. Because

know that he would never do so dastardly a deed.

All right, guys.

Shame on you.

ridiculous accusation.

He's upset.

Baby's having the tantrum.

Who's baby?

That's Laura's younger brother.

Yeah, we come by to tell you that he's on his way over here.

Hey, don't worry about it. I mean, I'll buy him an ice cream cone.

I'm very good with kids.

Julie, did you send out for a long showman?

That's baby.

Good luck.

Hey, where are you guys going? Going to the pool room, baby. Movies. Gotta go to

the movies. Library.

Baby, how are you?

Look, if you want to change your diaper, don't worry about it, because they got

twins here.

Oh, so you're Laura's brother, baby.

Come in.

Don't you have any winter clothes?

These are my winter clothes.

What are you wearing to summertime?

Sunglasses.

Well, baby, can I offer you something?

A tire?

Would you like a new set of luggage to jump on?

I'd like to jump on your face.

Oh, come on. You're much too intelligent for that. Let's talk about it. Yeah.

I let my arms do all the talking.

Here.

Born to kill?

Oh, here's a great one.

Honk if you like bleeding.

And it's really a nice touch how his freckles dot the I's.

Hey, look, what'd you do to my baby sister, huh? I didn't do anything to

sister. Didn't she tell you what happened?

She's not home yet.

What?

You mean you didn't talk to her? Well, didn't it occur to you to talk to her

before you go around threatening people?

No.

Well, it should have.

That's right. It should have.

Well, it didn't.

Listen, you missing link.

I've had enough of this.

You are not a guest.

You are not a friend. You are not.

Does this mean I gotta leave?

It certainly does mean you have to leave before I make a rug out of you.

Ow! Ow!

All right, Julie. I'll take it from here.

Oh, honey.

I just love it when I see that streak of meekness in your eyes.

Meekness?

I'll show you meekness.

All right, listen to me, you grunt.

You keep your hairy needles off my door.

You know what you are?

You're nothing but a parasite living off the emotions of decent people.

How did you know it was me?

I, Mr. Woodman, just dropped by to heckle the molester.

Well, actually, I have some good news.

Oh, yeah? What happens? You get Laura to press charges?

As a matter of fact, she refuses to lodge a criminal complaint.

Why, I tell you, honey.

I also have some bad news.

I'm afraid Lazarus got wind of what happened.

I wonder who blew that wind by him.

Come on, Carter. I know I threatened you this afternoon, but everyone knows I

thrive on threatening people.

You're a charming man, Mr. Woodman.

Thank you, Julie, but it won't help him.

Lazarus is bringing you before the board tomorrow morning.

He got the girl to make a sworn statement.

What could she swear to?

Mr. Carter asked me to stay after class.

The last thing I remember was he put his arms around me.

When I woke up, he was bending over, trying to kiss me.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not all bad, Carter.

You may teach again, somewhere.

Maybe one of those little one -room schools along the Alaskan pipeline.

I understand they're not too fussy.

Hi,

Judy. Don't touch me! Stay away from me!

I see you heard the news.

Heard about it? I know.

I've been there many times myself.

A poor, defenseless sex object like me.

Everybody knows you're a sex object, Judy. We just can't figure out the who.

going to tell us you picked a bad location.

I'm sorry, Judy. I'm just a little tense.

Yeah.

Okay, Carter. Mr. Jan of the school board is ready to see you now.

Has Laura finished yet?

Laura? Laura. Hasn't she told them what happened?

Oh, Lazarus read her statement to the board. He feels that's enough.

That's enough.

That's enough. Yeah, that's enough to get me thrown out of school.

Mr. Woodman, I'm being railroaded.

Talk it, Judas.

There's nothing to worry about, Carter. I told him the truth, exactly what

happened. Believe me, he understands.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Woodman. You don't know how much I appreciate that. You

my life.

Think nothing of it, Carter.

Mr. Carter, naughty.

Naughty, naughty.

Here she is.

Darling!

We've been looking all over the beauty shop for you.

Oh, Mr. Juan.

Mr. Juan.

I think Miss Laura is ready for her comb -out now.

Yes, well, Mr. H, I think what we should do is... Perhaps we should have a

silver -blue streak down the front.

Perhaps... Absa Dorothy Hamill in the back.

Oh, short and sassy.

Now, look, I've been a hairdresser a lot longer than you, girl.

And what I think this doll needs is something exciting, like a hat.

Now, look, y 'all must be mad now, child.

Now, look, look, you just look at the shape of Miss Sting's head there now.

Now, she needs something that's going to help pull it all together, you know.

Now, girl, look, your hair is screaming for afronaut, whatever that might be.

Hon, hon, if you tease your hair anymore, it's going to bite you.

Guys, do you mind? This is my lunch hour.

How can you sit here and pork up when a man's future is going to be flushed down

the toilet?

How? I'm hungry, that's how.

Oh, yeah?

Well, chomp on this.

Take a look at this here. What we've done is we circumnavigated a few words

to tell what really happened. This is the real version of what happened here.

Here, now you read that.

How could you? You weren't even there.

Oh, yeah? Well, neither was you, baby.

Remember? You was out cold.

Arnold, read it.

Okay.

Cottage cheese, milk, rye bread, taco sauce, Paul Murray.

Hey, hey, turn it over. Turn it over.

Cornflakes, Q -tips. Nah, nah. Lower, lower.

I,

Laura Stevens, hereby declare that I lured Mr.

Gabriel Carter into his very own classroom in order to act like a

hussy.

I did not.

Oh, yeah, you did, too, because it says right here in this note here. Look, it

says, shame on your hussy.

after class.

He just wanted to tell me not to put on makeup during class.

Now, will you let me finish my hair and my lunch?

Do you eat your hair for lunch?

These happen to be beansprouts.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me see this here. Let me see it all.

Look at this. No wonder why you're so skinny.

Eating all this narrow food.

She thinks. You really think that of him?

I hope so. This is all I've been eating for two weeks.

Beansprouts.

How do you keep going on beansprouts?

She don't.

She faints.

Ain't that right, Laura?

Well, maybe once or twice.

Like yesterday, in front of Mr. Carter, right?

I don't remember.

Well, let's refresh your memory here, huh?

What we want you to do is we want you to go and talk to his school board, tell

him what really happened, not how Carter attacked you, but how you OD'd on the

bean sprouts.

Oh, come on, Garth, I can't do that. I don't want them to know I'm dieting.

might think I'm vain.

Well, what do you want?

Vein or pain?

All right, all right. I'm going, I'm going.

Mr.

Woodman. What are you doing?

Cottage in there with Mr. Jan of the school board. I'm listening to him

sweating.

Dear child, what can I do for you?

Mr. Woodman, I don't think the board understands.

You see, I've got to tell them that Mr. Carter didn't attack me.

Not now, Laura. Just wait a second and see if Carter breaks down on the stand.

But, Mr. Woodman, I have to tell them the truth.

What, to deny an old man my little pleasure he has left in life?

Just one last listen.

You better be drowning, Woodman, or you're in a lot of trouble.

Laura, Laura, are you okay?

What happened?

I think you had another faculty attack.

Gee, it really was a bean sprout diet.

Bean sprouts?

Come on, let's get up.

Yeah, you see, I've been on this bean sprout diet, and Mr. Woodman and Mr.

Carter were just trying to help me.

I guess it's time to forget the diet, huh?

Beansprouts, you know, Mr. Jan, they're on the number three dinner.

Laura, please go down to the cafeteria and have something substantial to eat.

Yeah, uh, tell him not to give you the roast leg of surprise.

Thanks, Mr. Carter.

Well, you're both to be commended for your quick thinking and your knowledge

first aid.

Thank you, Mr. Jan.

Of course, I was much faster than Carter. In two seconds, I was all over

mean, uh... I mean, you know what I mean.

Sure, we know what you mean, Mr. Woodman. You got nothing to worry about.

Except maybe Laura going around telling everybody you're a wet kisser.

Woodman in the office.

She said that?

She said that?

the school board, I'd like to apologize for what happened.

Oh.

Don't worry about it, Mr. Jan.

I'm curious about something. Is it true that you don't like oriental food?

Yes, that's true. I prefer Italian.

Really? Listen, I gotta tell you a story. A true story happened to one of

uncles. Your uncle?

My uncle goes into an Italian restaurant and he's got a Chinese waiter.

And the Chinese waiter comes up and speaks perfect Italian.

Takes his daughter, perfect Italian.

My uncle can't believe it. He calls over the owner.

He says, how come that Chinese waiter speaks perfect Italian?

The uncle said, well, he's only been in this country for two months. He thinks

we're teaching him English.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot, cause we

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made you come back again?