All language subtitles for welcome_back_kotter_s03e25_the_kiss

Honey, did I ever tell you about my
uncle Milton the medium?

Medium rare?

No, he was a famous spiritualist. Every
Friday night he would have a seance.

They would join hands and try to contact
the spirit world.

Did he have any luck?

Well, one night they were all joining
hands. They were trying to contact the

spirit world.

And Milton said, I feel a spirit in the
room. Come forth, spirit.

The spirit says, okay, I'm here.

My name is Max.

And Milton said, in life, Max, what did
you do?

And the spirit said, I was a waiter.

And Milton said, come closer, Max.

And Max said, I can't. It's not my
table.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and
they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

The eruption of Mount Vesuvius was one
of the great natural disasters of all

time. Who can name another natural
disaster?

Juan.

Arnold.

No, I want you to name a natural
disaster.

I did.

Arnold.

Arnold.

I'm a natural disaster.

This from a man whose socks burst into
tears every time they pass a laundromat.

Hey, hey, guy, my socks don't cry.

They're men.

Now, who else wants to say something
about my socks?

Sit down, sit down.

All right, we're talking about natural
disasters.

Now, I'd like someone to give me some...
You mean earthquakes, for example.

Quiet, Vinnie.

Very good, Vinnie.

I didn't know that you knew about
earthquakes.

I know a whole lot about them.

Well, good. Tell us something.

What?

What do you know about earthquakes?
Which ones do you know about?

The third one.

Didn't anyone do their homework last
night?

I did my homework, Mr. Carter.

Yeah? What you study?

Eyeshadow through the ages?

Beauty is a gift. It requires
maintenance.

I know where you're coming from.

Epstein's got a gardener that comes in
twice a week to weed out his hair.

A gardener won't do it. What he needs is
an exterminator.

That's enough dying.

Laura, what did you do your homework on?

Herself.

It's a favorite subject.

Actually, Mr. Cotter, I study all about
natural disasters.

You know, how to survive in them. What
kind of food to eat.

Things we never thought were edible
before.

Like what?

Mascara?

No, like tree barks and wild roots.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Hey, Freddy, did you have your wild
roots today?

I don't use wild roots no more. I use
afrosheen.

just because she did her homework.

All right, let's make fun of her for
something else.

Okay, how about her nose?

It's too small.

Arnold, give her some nose.

All right, all right. Now, everybody, I
want your homework tomorrow.

Yes! You got it. Right after we finish
going to Coney Island.

Coney Island can wait.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no,
no, not this time. This time they got a

new attraction.

Half man, half woman. Yeah. The sign
outside says he can't keep his hand off

herself.

All right. Can I see a minute?

Sure.

That's a very interesting topic you
picked about natural disasters. You know

to survive?

Thank you.

But I'd like to talk to you about...

Putting makeup on in class, it's
distracting the rest of the students.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Goddard.

Next time you come to school, leave the
Avon lady at home.

Okay, you see, I only meant to... Are
you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. You don't look fine. You
look kind of pale.

What? I'm having trouble.

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura! Laura!

Laura, are you okay?

Laura.

Laura.

What are you doing? Leave that child
alone.

What happened?

Why are you kissing me?

I've learned to live with my loneliness.
Why can't you?

Very good.

Mr. Woodman, Laura fainted.

Of course she fainted. Who wouldn't with
a 200 -pound ox on top?

You won't get away with this. Mr.
Woodman, you got it all wrong. She

breathe. I was trying to help her.

What happened?

What happened, Laura? You fainted. What
happened?

I'll tell you what happened. Teacher
goes berserk. Film at 11.

Mr. Woodman, that's not true.

Is it, Laura?

after class. Okay, okay, that's enough.

All right, Carter.

I've got you now.

I'm going to make two phone calls.

The school board and the National
Enquirer.

I know the untold story.

Laura, come on. Back, Carter, back.
Haven't you had enough?

Stay away, Carter. I have a whistle in
my pocket.

Nobody at Buchanan takes Woodman
seriously.

That's why they made him vice principal.

You're right. It's just that the whole
thing is so ridiculous.

Best thing to do is just put it out of
my head. Right.

Not that it matters, honey, but how
pretty is this girl?

She's very pretty. Why?

It's really funny that the homely girls
never seem to faint.

They do, but nobody pays any attention.

Why am I doing jokes?

Julie, I just don't know what happened.
One minute she was fine, she was putting

on makeup in the middle of the class,
and the next minute she falls down in

front of me. Why?

Maybe her makeup was too heavy.

Look, I'm sure by now Laura's told
Woodman everything.

You think so?

Sure, the whole thing's ridiculous.

You're right. The whole thing's
ridiculous.

I mean, a paramedic gets paid for what I
did.

They'll probably give me a medal.

Right.

Either that or they'll bronze your lips.

Honey, why don't you go say goodnight to
the girls?

Yeah, okay.

Just don't kiss them.

They have colds, remember?

Not a pretty picture.

Everything going okay between you and
the old man?

Yeah.

We just want Mr. Carter to know that we
believe he would never do anything bad.

But then we're just innocent children.

Like Laura used to be.

How can you do this to me?

I haven't even dated yet.

Look, guys, this is not funny.

You are talking about the molester I
love.

Now that's funny.

We just want Mr. Katya to know that
we're going to stand behind him. Because

know that he would never do so dastardly
a deed.

All right, guys.

Shame on you.

ridiculous accusation.

He's upset.

Baby's having the tantrum.

Who's baby?

That's Laura's younger brother.

Yeah, we come by to tell you that he's
on his way over here.

Hey, don't worry about it. I mean, I'll
buy him an ice cream cone.

I'm very good with kids.

Julie, did you send out for a long
showman?

That's baby.

Good luck.

Hey, where are you guys going? Going to
the pool room, baby. Movies. Gotta go to

the movies. Library.

Baby, how are you?

Look, if you want to change your diaper,
don't worry about it, because they got

twins here.

Oh, so you're Laura's brother, baby.

Come in.

Don't you have any winter clothes?

These are my winter clothes.

What are you wearing to summertime?

Sunglasses.

Well, baby, can I offer you something?

A tire?

Would you like a new set of luggage to
jump on?

I'd like to jump on your face.

Oh, come on. You're much too intelligent
for that. Let's talk about it. Yeah.

I let my arms do all the talking.

Here.

Born to kill?

Oh, here's a great one.

Honk if you like bleeding.

And it's really a nice touch how his
freckles dot the I's.

Hey, look, what'd you do to my baby
sister, huh? I didn't do anything to

sister. Didn't she tell you what
happened?

She's not home yet.

What?

You mean you didn't talk to her? Well,
didn't it occur to you to talk to her

before you go around threatening people?

No.

Well, it should have.

That's right. It should have.

Well, it didn't.

Listen, you missing link.

I've had enough of this.

You are not a guest.

You are not a friend. You are not.

Does this mean I gotta leave?

It certainly does mean you have to leave
before I make a rug out of you.

Ow! Ow!

All right, Julie. I'll take it from
here.

Oh, honey.

I just love it when I see that streak of
meekness in your eyes.

Meekness?

I'll show you meekness.

All right, listen to me, you grunt.

You keep your hairy needles off my door.

You know what you are?

You're nothing but a parasite living off
the emotions of decent people.

How did you know it was me?

I, Mr. Woodman, just dropped by to
heckle the molester.

Well, actually, I have some good news.

Oh, yeah? What happens? You get Laura to
press charges?

As a matter of fact, she refuses to
lodge a criminal complaint.

Why, I tell you, honey.

I also have some bad news.

I'm afraid Lazarus got wind of what
happened.

I wonder who blew that wind by him.

Come on, Carter. I know I threatened you
this afternoon, but everyone knows I

thrive on threatening people.

You're a charming man, Mr. Woodman.

Thank you, Julie, but it won't help him.

Lazarus is bringing you before the board
tomorrow morning.

He got the girl to make a sworn
statement.

What could she swear to?

Mr. Carter asked me to stay after class.

The last thing I remember was he put his
arms around me.

When I woke up, he was bending over,
trying to kiss me.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not all bad, Carter.

You may teach again, somewhere.

Maybe one of those little one -room
schools along the Alaskan pipeline.

I understand they're not too fussy.

Hi,

Judy. Don't touch me! Stay away from me!

I see you heard the news.

Heard about it? I know.

I've been there many times myself.

A poor, defenseless sex object like me.

Everybody knows you're a sex object,
Judy. We just can't figure out the who.

going to tell us you picked a bad
location.

I'm sorry, Judy. I'm just a little
tense.

Yeah.

Okay, Carter. Mr. Jan of the school
board is ready to see you now.

Has Laura finished yet?

Laura? Laura. Hasn't she told them what
happened?

Oh, Lazarus read her statement to the
board. He feels that's enough.

That's enough.

That's enough. Yeah, that's enough to
get me thrown out of school.

Mr. Woodman, I'm being railroaded.

Talk it, Judas.

There's nothing to worry about, Carter.
I told him the truth, exactly what

happened. Believe me, he understands.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Woodman. You don't
know how much I appreciate that. You

my life.

Think nothing of it, Carter.

Mr. Carter, naughty.

Naughty, naughty.

Here she is.

Darling!

We've been looking all over the beauty
shop for you.

Oh, Mr. Juan.

Mr. Juan.

I think Miss Laura is ready for her comb
-out now.

Yes, well, Mr. H, I think what we should
do is... Perhaps we should have a

silver -blue streak down the front.

Perhaps... Absa Dorothy Hamill in the
back.

Oh, short and sassy.

Now, look, I've been a hairdresser a lot
longer than you, girl.

And what I think this doll needs is
something exciting, like a hat.

Now, look, y 'all must be mad now,
child.

Now, look, look, you just look at the
shape of Miss Sting's head there now.

Now, she needs something that's going to
help pull it all together, you know.

Now, girl, look, your hair is screaming
for afronaut, whatever that might be.

Hon, hon, if you tease your hair
anymore, it's going to bite you.

Guys, do you mind? This is my lunch
hour.

How can you sit here and pork up when a
man's future is going to be flushed down

the toilet?

How? I'm hungry, that's how.

Oh, yeah?

Well, chomp on this.

Take a look at this here. What we've
done is we circumnavigated a few words

to tell what really happened. This is
the real version of what happened here.

Here, now you read that.

How could you? You weren't even there.

Oh, yeah? Well, neither was you, baby.

Remember? You was out cold.

Arnold, read it.

Okay.

Cottage cheese, milk, rye bread, taco
sauce, Paul Murray.

Hey, hey, turn it over. Turn it over.

Cornflakes, Q -tips. Nah, nah. Lower,
lower.

I,

Laura Stevens, hereby declare that I
lured Mr.

Gabriel Carter into his very own
classroom in order to act like a

hussy.

I did not.

Oh, yeah, you did, too, because it says
right here in this note here. Look, it

says, shame on your hussy.

after class.

He just wanted to tell me not to put on
makeup during class.

Now, will you let me finish my hair and
my lunch?

Do you eat your hair for lunch?

These happen to be beansprouts.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me see this here.
Let me see it all.

Look at this. No wonder why you're so
skinny.

Eating all this narrow food.

She thinks. You really think that of
him?

I hope so. This is all I've been eating
for two weeks.

Beansprouts.

How do you keep going on beansprouts?

She don't.

She faints.

Ain't that right, Laura?

Well, maybe once or twice.

Like yesterday, in front of Mr. Carter,
right?

I don't remember.

Well, let's refresh your memory here,
huh?

What we want you to do is we want you to
go and talk to his school board, tell

him what really happened, not how Carter
attacked you, but how you OD'd on the

bean sprouts.

Oh, come on, Garth, I can't do that. I
don't want them to know I'm dieting.

might think I'm vain.

Well, what do you want?

Vein or pain?

All right, all right. I'm going, I'm
going.

Mr.

Woodman. What are you doing?

Cottage in there with Mr. Jan of the
school board. I'm listening to him

sweating.

Dear child, what can I do for you?

Mr. Woodman, I don't think the board
understands.

You see, I've got to tell them that Mr.
Carter didn't attack me.

Not now, Laura. Just wait a second and
see if Carter breaks down on the stand.

But, Mr. Woodman, I have to tell them
the truth.

What, to deny an old man my little
pleasure he has left in life?

Just one last listen.

You better be drowning, Woodman, or
you're in a lot of trouble.

Laura, Laura, are you okay?

What happened?

I think you had another faculty attack.

Gee, it really was a bean sprout diet.

Bean sprouts?

Come on, let's get up.

Yeah, you see, I've been on this bean
sprout diet, and Mr. Woodman and Mr.

Carter were just trying to help me.

I guess it's time to forget the diet,
huh?

Beansprouts, you know, Mr. Jan, they're
on the number three dinner.

Laura, please go down to the cafeteria
and have something substantial to eat.

Yeah, uh, tell him not to give you the
roast leg of surprise.

Thanks, Mr. Carter.

Well, you're both to be commended for
your quick thinking and your knowledge

first aid.

Thank you, Mr. Jan.

Of course, I was much faster than
Carter. In two seconds, I was all over

mean, uh... I mean, you know what I
mean.

Sure, we know what you mean, Mr.
Woodman. You got nothing to worry about.

Except maybe Laura going around telling
everybody you're a wet kisser.

Woodman in the office.

She said that?

She said that?

the school board, I'd like to apologize
for what happened.

Oh.

Don't worry about it, Mr. Jan.

I'm curious about something. Is it true
that you don't like oriental food?

Yes, that's true. I prefer Italian.

Really? Listen, I gotta tell you a
story. A true story happened to one of

uncles. Your uncle?

My uncle goes into an Italian restaurant
and he's got a Chinese waiter.

And the Chinese waiter comes up and
speaks perfect Italian.

Takes his daughter, perfect Italian.

My uncle can't believe it. He calls over
the owner.

He says, how come that Chinese waiter
speaks perfect Italian?

The uncle said, well, he's only been in
this country for two months. He thinks

we're teaching him English.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that
you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since
you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd
have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we
need ya. We tease him a lot, cause we

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome
back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must
have been.

And I know what a scene you were
learning in.

Was there something that made you come
back again?