Original subtitles

Here's what happened last week on Welcome Back, Cotter.

What's all this joke business about?

Last night, Vinnie here went to the Comedy Connection, a place that features

comedians with old jokes. Did you ever think about maybe performing there?

Look, being a comedian to me has always been like a secret dream.

Aren't you the guy who told us we have a chance to go for that brass ring just

to grab it?

Yeah. All right, I'll do it this Sunday night.

You know, Carter, in my day, I was a champion heckler.

I'm number 42. They probably heard every joke in the world by now.

You got a million jokes.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you take the rest home in a doggie bag?

Give him a chance.

I'm sorry. I'm not a comedian. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be up here.

I'm in the nightclub division. We're always looking for new talent.

You put these kids in your routine, you got yourself a nightclub act.

Here he...

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a schoolteacher in Brooklyn, and I got

bunch of students. They call themselves the sweat hogs.

Up your noses with rubber hoses.

All right, quiet, everybody. Quiet. I have an announcement for Mr. Gabe

It's goodbye teaching, hello show business.

Stay tuned for part two of Welcome Back, Cotter.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here.

Well, we need you.

We tease him a lot. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

I

just

can't believe this is happening.

Mr. Carter is really leaving.

This man.

This man who made me everything I am today.

It was Mr. Cartier?

I thought it was a hit -and -run driver.

Come on, come on. We can't let Carter know how bummed out we are.

Yeah, little one is right.

Gentlemen, we must be brave. We're not losing a teacher.

Mike Douglas is gaining a co -host.

All right, just let me give you some advice, okay?

Now, this is what I do when I ain't gonna see someone I really like no more,

okay? I pretend they're dead.

This way.

This way, if they don't call me, I don't get mad at them.

And people say he's not deep.

Let's see our presents here, Freddy. Oh, I got every one for y 'all.

At the top of the list, my personal choice, a mustache comb.

Check it out. Who'd want to use a mustache comb?

My Aunt Helen.

Sometimes she even uses wax.

Oh, Freddy, did you get my needlepoint framed?

Oh, yeah, I got it right here. The sweat hog motto.

Whatever it is, I didn't do it.

Oh, this is real nice here, Angie.

Thanks. Only thing, you forgot the sweat hog emblem of a teacher having a

nervous breakdown, you know?

This is so sad.

This is so sad, you know.

It reminds me of that episode of Lassie that I saw.

When Lassie was caught in that coal mine and Timmy went out to look for her. And

he kept on saying, Lassie, Lassie, where are you? And all the coal was coming

down Lassie's nice fur coat, right?

And Timmy kept on saying, Lassie, where are you? And then Lassie's little paw

went up in the air, right?

And Lassie said,

Say, tell me I'm down here.

I'm going to tell you something. That last year, some actor.

Mr. Cotter couldn't be here.

He was halfway out the door and his agent called and said he had to go to

big audition. He hopes you understand, guys.

Oh, sure we do.

As soon as they become a hit, they forget the little people.

Hey, that's not the Mr. Cotter we know and disobey.

He's a big phony now, ain't he? I bet he's around a corner deli eating a

sandwich named after him.

Okay, guys, now none of that is true.

He just wanted me to come here.

To drop by?

Pick up his presents?

Forget the presents.

Take them back to the store where you stole them.

Uh, Mr. Woodman, those presents are for Gabe.

He's gone. It's over. Forget Gabe.

I've got your new teacher outside in the hall.

Well, what's he doing out there?

Saying goodbye to his next of kin.

Just think of me as family.

Oh, that's just what I need. An agent -in -law.

How's my baby? Okay.

How'd the interview go, honey?

All right.

All right?

I'm telling you.

Schultz went right through the roof. He was on the floor.

How could he go through the roof if he was on the floor?

He lives in a duplex.

Does that mean that he liked you?

I don't know. The man had this big cigar.

He stood there for 20 minutes. I told him about the sweat hogs, and all he did

was choke on his cigar.

You kidding?

That's how Schultz laughs.

He loved you. You got five chokes, three gasps, and a wheeze.

Sounds like if he liked you any better, you could call the paramedics.

Forget about Schultz. How'd it go with the sweat hogs?

Well, honey, they were disappointed.

I left as soon as the substitute got there.

Poor guy.

It's going to be rough to talk with a desk in your mouth.

Desk in mouth.

That's funny stuff.

I'm screaming.

You're screaming?

In here. In here, Julie.

You better watch it. We don't want to wake the babies up.

That's funny.

Be quiet.

Mr. Carter, we got something we want to discuss with you.

Well, listen, guys, why don't you come in and sit down?

Now, you know Mr. Sharnoff?

Yeah, sure.

He's the guy who feels it right here.

I felt it in there a couple of times.

Usually after a bad meatball sandwich.

Now look, Mr. Carter, what we've done is we've collected all of our thoughts,

put them down on this here piece of paper, and now I'm just going to read

to you.

Dear Mr. Carter, don't go.

Don't go?

That's what you call speech?

That's like President Lincoln showing up at Gettysburg and saying, hey, guys,

don't fight.

Listen, I think what Juan said was fine. I can see what's going on here, and it

chokes me up.

Yeah, I can feel it right here.

Yeah?

Well, how'd you like to feel it right here?

Juan, come on, sit down.

Look, you guys don't want me to go.

And I'm really touched by that.

Well, we don't want you to stay forever.

Just till we graduate.

Yeah, what's another 10 or 20 years?

Guys, look, what happens after you graduate?

I can't stay with you forever.

You can't?

Well, nobody told me that.

Oh, Mr. Carter, we could grow old together.

riding on buses at a half fair, listening to Lawrence Welk,

throwing prune pits at each other.

That's funny, Arnold. You know, maybe I'll use that in my act.

Come on, guys, let's get out of here. I'm tired of being a punchline. Yeah,

let's leave.

Hey, guys, hey, look, we can still be friends. You guys can come over here any

time you want. This door will always be open.

Yeah, what for?

You need some more material?

I guess that's all we were to you, huh, Mr. Carter?

Jokes that passed in the night?

Carter! Hey, guys!

Boy, I never thought they'd take it this hard.

Why don't you tell her the good news?

What good news, honey?

I'll tell her later.

You know, I really thought they'd understand.

Listen, the deal's almost set. 32 glorious weeks on the road.

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

You tell her.

Check you later.

32 glorious weeks on the road.

A guy has to come to see me tonight.

Boy, I hope they don't do anything crazy.

Did you take it, Gabe?

Maybe I should go after them, huh?

Did you take it, Gabe?

Yes, if he offers it, I'm going to take it. I was going to tell you.

Oh, when?

On the plane to Peoria?

Julie, you weren't there. What did you want me to do?

Oh, that's right.

And I suppose you and Pete felt it in here.

What's the matter?

I started this scrapbook for you. Let me know what happens after page one.

Esther, hi. Can you be here in a half hour?

Fine. Okay.

Sure. I'll see you in a half hour. Right.

Okay. The formula's asleep and the twins are in the refrigerator.

I mean, you know what I mean, Esther, okay?

All right. I'll see you here then. Bye.

Julie, are you coming out of the bedroom?

Julie, you can't stop a scrapbook on page one.

You dirty rat.

Otherwise, it's curtains for you.

Because I got a rod.

And it's a curtain rod.

Julie, if you don't get out, I'm going to do wife jokes. I'll do jokes about

tonight. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My wife is so skinny, she's got to run around in the shower to get wet.

You hear that one, Julie?

You want to know what kind of cook my wife is?

Flies come to my house to commit suicide.

She throws a batter on the floor and runs over it with hot sneakers.

Out of hibernation, darling?

Gonna tell wife jokes, Gabe?

Well, I could tell some husband jokes, and they'd all be true.

Like the one about how you won't take a shower without your Snoopy washcloth.

How you won't buy a pair of pajamas unless it has the feet in them.

And a back flap.

Hey, this is great stuff. We can do an act together.

We can be the next great husband and wife team, the next Burns and Allen.

No, I would just like to be the old Gabe and Julie.

Julie, I didn't mean to make you mad.

Honey, it is not... as much that i care whether the twins and i go on the road

with you as much as i want to be included in the decision you're right

sorry you just have to realize when your dreams start coming true it's hard to

think rationally there's a guy offering me 600 a week to do what i wanted to do

my whole life i said yes before he had a chance to change his mind gabe does

that mean that every time there's an offer of more dollars you're just going

grab at it without consulting me

I'm sorry, honey. It will never happen again.

Can I help it if my agent's a fast talker?

You can say that again.

I've never met a man with a suede tongue before.

Suede tongue?

That's funny.

Thanks.

Okay, from now on, you and me. 50 -50, right?

Okay. We share everything.

We share everything.

Right. Now, why don't you go change your 50 % of the twins?

You see, Esther's coming over, the formula's asleep, and the twins are in

refrigerator.

Honey, you were great. You're getting better all the time.

I know.

My act's not bad, either.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't wear yourselves out, kids.

Gabe's got a second show to do.

Oh, Mr. 10%, how's it going?

Oh, I think I better see if Schultz got here yet and get him a good table.

If your second show goes half as well as your first, you're in.

Listen, your material is outside.

They want to come in. Mr. Whitehawk? Sure, let him in.

Okay.

Hey, how you doing, Freddie?

Hey,

can I adopt you for the first show?

Nah, nah, nah, nah. The hip crowd always hits the late show.

Look how nice they look, Julie. They got dressed up and everything.

Freddie, you look great.

You like my suit? Uh -huh. Nice suit, right?

I got it from my friend who's in the dry cleaning business.

My friend, he gets me first picked on anything left over 30 days.

Hey, Gabe, that's a funny joke.

Dry cleaning. You ought to use it in your act.

Use it in the act. This backstage banter is so exciting.

You know, I once saw Captain Kangaroo waiting for a cab.

He didn't see me.

Leano, shut up, huh?

So we can tell Mr. Cartier the real reason why we came here?

Well, I'm sorry.

It was a very important moment for me.

Well, you had your moment. Now it's over.

Hey, what did you guys come to see me about?

Well, we wanted to let you know how happy we was about your newfound career

all and to wish you mazel tov.

Well, thanks. That's really nice of you. How about you guys? How's it going?

Um, everything is great.

Perfect. Couldn't be better.

That's real good.

Of course, we did miss you at first.

That was until we got our new teacher.

I bet you're giving him a real hard time, aren't you?

Oh, not him, Mrs. Carter.

They gave you guys a woman teacher?

Then he means yes.

I never knew school could be so stimulating.

All right, she might be pretty, but the important thing is, are you guys

learning anything?

Yes, we are.

We learned that your legs got a lot to be desired.

Hey, you going to come back after this show, say hello?

Uh, no, no, I don't think so. I mean, I got to get up early for school.

I don't want to be late.

If you catch my drift.

Well, we got to go. See you later.

Take it easy. Hasta la vista.

Tommy Lasorda.

their new teacher, huh?

Yeah, they do.

You a little jealous?

I told you to walk, fella. You can't go in there. Come on, get Connor, the most

personal friend of mine.

Connor, will you tell this punk you know me?

Uh, he's all right. He's my wife's hairdresser.

Very funny, Connor.

Save it for the stage.

I've got to talk to you.

Sure, Mr. Woodman, sit down.

It's about the sweat hugs.

They're going crazy.

Mr. Woodman, the sweat hogs were just here. They seemed fine.

I was just putting on an act.

How they went berserk ever since you left school.

First they put casters under all the office machines and started a demolition

derby.

You think that's funny, Julie?

Well, the school nutritionist wasn't laughing when they locked him in the

food locker.

They tried to take his temperature with a meat thermometer.

That's so awful.

Funny, but awful.

No, it wasn't.

It was wonderful.

What? Did you just say it was wonderful?

It was a chance to punish with abandon.

I gave out more pink slips in one day than I did in eight years.

It was Woodman's golden reign of terror.

Glorious time is gone.

What's going on now?

Now they won't do anything.

They're withdrawn. They're depressed.

They're like extras in a zombie movie.

Carter, I'm only going to say this once. It's too humiliating to repeat.

Say what?

We need you.

What?

day that Mr. Woodman says he needs me.

Well, I'm glad he finally admitted it.

How about those guys coming in here and putting on a number like that?

I know their act was better than yours is.

What are you going to do, honey?

As Vinnie Barbarino would say, I'm so confused.

What do you think I should do?

I think you should go back.

Those kids love you, honey, and you love teaching.

You're right.

But how can I now?

I mean, what do I tell them? Look, guys, when your dream comes true, you just

forget about it.

Julie, if I go out there and do good, that's 32 weeks on the road.

But if you go out there and do bad, that's back to the classroom.

How am I going to do bad? I've been doing good every night.

Mr.

Carter, it was a noble effort.

At least he tried.

Yeah, he should be tried and convicted for joke slaughter.

Evil, if you've had your fun, can I get back to what I... Especially after last

night. It was the first time I ever saw an audience jump up and form a posse.

You know, Mr. Woodman walked out three times.

Twice on you and once on the check.

Well, straighten up, Carter.

You're lucky to have your old job back.

Step outside a minute.

Yeah, okay, I'll be right back.

You couldn't have been worse last night if you tried.

Did you?

Did I what?

Did you bomb out on purpose?

What's the difference, Mr. Woburn?

Look, I got a chance to live out a dream.

That's the important thing.

Well, your dream is over.

You better get back to your nightmare.

Get that at the end of your show business career.

Not quite.

Story time.

Which uncle?

Pick one.

Uncle Herbert.

Uncle Herbert. Okay, one day Uncle Herbert's in a movie theater. He starts

crawling around under the seats.

Usher comes up to him and says, Sarah, what are you doing crawling around under

the seats?

Uncle Herbert says, I lost a piece of butterscotch caramel.

Keeps on crawling under the seats.

Yes, sir, what is so important about a piece of butterscotch caramel?

My Uncle Herbert looks up and says, my teeth are in it.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.