Original subtitles

You know, Mr. Katz, you gotta help me quit from my English class.

I need a sentence with the word officiate.

Sentence with the word officiate, okay.

Um, my uncle got sick because of officiate.

Welcome back.

Your dreams blew your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. But

got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.

Please, Vinny, no more.

No more. I'll be good. I'll be a good boy.

Please, just don't tell no more of your jokes.

Okay,

look, this last joke, it's really funny. Everybody last night really laughed at

this joke.

Okay. All right, this guy goes...

to a pocket meter, he puts the dime in a pocket meter, and the needle goes to

60, right? And he says, oh no, I lost 100 pounds.

And then, I got this other one, it's really funny too.

Alright, I taught my dog how to eat by the sound of the bell, right? So, what

happens yesterday, he eats the Avon lady.

I just got here.

Hey, Vinnie, ask Mr. Carter one of those jokes.

He'll know if it's old.

Okay, all right.

Mr. Carter, okay.

Now, everybody thinks that Columbus had three ships, right?

But you did not know he really had four.

Yeah, I knew, Vinnie.

Okay, the reason was because... What do you mean you know?

You're supposed to say, you know, you're supposed to say, how come, Vinnie, and

then I tell you the punchline.

I'm sorry, Vinnie, I know the joke.

Who wants to go finish it? You already ruined my timing.

I didn't mean to, Vinny. I just know the joke.

Columbus started out with four ships, but only three reached America because

fell over the edge.

I had laughed at him just because he's the teacher.

If I was to tell the joke, he wouldn't have laughed. He would have said, old

joke, Vinny, not funny.

What's all this joke business about?

Well, you see, Mr. Carter, last night Vinnie here went to the Comedy

a place that features new comedians with old jokes.

Comedy Connection. I've been there. That's a lot of fun. You went last

Sunday's amateur night. That's great.

Did you ever think about maybe performing there?

I mean, you fit right in.

Your jokes are as old as anybody's.

You know, one time I almost did get up there.

Yeah, what happened?

Well, I wanted to go on stage, but my stomach didn't.

Come on, Mr.

Carter. Aren't you the boss of your body?

What are you, stomach pecked?

Look, being a comedian to me has always been like a secret dream.

And I think I should leave it that way. Mr. Carter, it's great to have secret

dreams.

I got one.

It involves one of Charlie's Angels.

Hey, Mr.

Carter, ain't you the guy who told us when we have a chance to go for that

ring just to grab it? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, and ain't you the guy that told us if you wants to win, you gots to

play?

Yeah. And didn't you tell me yesterday that if you don't have confidence in

yourself, no one will?

Yeah.

Well?

Drop it. Find my own words.

do it this Sunday night.

What's all the noise about, Carter?

Well, this Sunday night, I'm going to a nightclub and I'm going to do a comedy

routine on amateur night.

Come on, Carter. There is no nightclub with a night that amateur.

Mr. Whitman, I mean, what you know about nightclubs?

Last time you was at a nightclub, the car hopped part of your dinosaur.

Wilma, ain't you ever heard of us? It's a comedy connection.

It's the end thing to do now.

Are you going to be there?

Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything in the world.

You know, Carter, in my day, I was a champion heckler.

You're such a sweet guy, Mr. Wilma.

I picked your hangs in every post office in the Catskill Mountains.

You ever heard of Shecky Rabinowitz?

Of course you haven't.

I ruined his career with one heckler.

Today he's raising earthworms in New Jersey.

Sunday night, the comedy connection.

You're on next, honey. They just called number 41.

I don't believe I had to take a number when I came in.

What is this, a nightclub or a bakery?

I'm not sure.

But just to cover yourself, when you go out there, you can start with, good

evening, ladies and muffins.

What are you making jokes for? I got to go on there five minutes and make jokes

and you're making jokes.

That's not fair.

You know, that might be a good opening.

Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I just got here and they made

me take a number. I wasn't sure whether this is a nightclub or a bakery. Well,

anyway, good evening, ladies and muffins.

Don't use it.

Just be yourself.

You're funny, you're charming, and you have a twinkle.

I think my twinkle just went out.

I gotta get him right away, you know? I mean, you need a good opening, something

that really grabs him.

Oh, if you want to grab him instead of a tuxedo, you should have rented a

gorilla.

Muffin was funny. Gorilla, forget about it.

You all set, Shecky? Huh?

Hey, guy.

What's the matter? You look as nervous as a gorilla.

Out there, number 41 said the audience was so bad that the only thing that

grab him was a gorilla.

Did he say anything about muffins?

Nah.

That was number 38.

Yeah, he came out there and said, good evening, ladies and muffins.

I don't believe it. I'm number 42. They probably heard every joke in the world

by now. Yeah, you're right.

Well, look, I just came in here to wish you good luck and tell you to break an

arm.

The expression is break a leg, Juan.

Whatever it takes.

Well, might as well go out there. It's going to be any minute now.

Good luck, honey.

You think I'm going to get any laughs?

Well, if you don't, your suit will.

As Ed Sullivan used to say, really big, really big.

Right here on our stage, we have World War II and the

original cast.

Really big, really big.

Excuse me there, fella. How much do you charge to haunt a house?

If you people ever get a chance to be an audience, don't take it.

Hey, why don't you call Christian Barnard and get a joke transplant?

Number 42 is next, a schoolteacher from Brooklyn, Gabe Cutter.

Thank

you.

Thank you very much.

It's nice to be here tonight. Excuse me.

What did the penguin do after you mugged him and took away his suit?

Mr. Woodman, give him a chance.

It's nice to be here tonight. I have some funny relatives. Like, there's my

Rhoda. She's been married so many times, she has rice scars on her face.

She's the only lady I know that has a wash -and -wear wedding dress.

Wash and wear wedding dress. Laugh.

I have an Aunt Elsie who used to yell at my Uncle Al.

Aunt Elsie would say, you give me so much trouble.

When you die, I'm going to dance in your grave.

Well, my Uncle Al would say, I'm going to be buried at sea.

Let her dance.

Why don't you bury your act at sea?

You're afraid it'll kill her.

Wait a second, where are you folks going? The man here, he ain't done with

act. Yeah, that would be very implied for you to leave, and very unhealthy.

Have a seat. Thank you very much. Sit down, relax.

Yeah, everybody, no one has to leave yet. I got a million jokes.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you take the rest home in a doggie bag?

She's so skinny, she wears snow shower.

Wait a second. She's so skinny, she wears snow shoes in the shower.

she'll get sucked down the drain.

Here's my Uncle Max.

My Uncle Max, he's...

Look, I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm not a comedian. I shouldn't be up here.

It was stupid for me to... Have a good time.

Well, I hope you're all happy now.

That man's got babies at home.

Oh, yeah?

They're lucky they don't have to listen to his act.

You had some nice moments. You get all right, Mr. Cartier. You can get better

luck next time, you know. It's all right.

Oh, it wasn't that bad, honey.

It was that bad.

He was really doing great till you opened your mouth.

At least your suit was funny.

Yeah.

Chin up, little buckaroo.

You did your best.

Yeah, I guess so, Arnold.

I mean, it's not my fault if my relatives aren't funny.

That's the spirit, honey. You have got nothing to be ashamed of.

Yo, I've got something to be ashamed of. I laughed at them.

I can never come back here again. Everyone's going to think there's

wrong with me. They're going to think I'm weird.

Look, guys, you wanted me to try, and I did. Now, if you don't mind, I'll see

you tomorrow.

Right on, man. I'll show him. You take care. You did all right, you know? Yeah,

look.

That's showbiz, huh? Yeah.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, honey.

Everything's going to be all right.

Yeah, let's go home. Okay.

Hey, uh, don't tell the girls what happened.

Okay.

Get cut.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Peter Chernoff.

Oh, hi. This is my wife, Julia. This is Mr. Chernoff. Hi.

Creative talent agency?

I think you got the wrong guy. No, I'm in the nightclub division. We're always

looking for new talent.

Well, now I know you got the wrong guy.

Forget about tonight.

Some crazy old man out there heckling everybody.

You know, I hope I never see him again.

I wish I could be that lucky.

Look, I think you're a funny guy.

Your trouble is material.

Number one, you need something fresh.

Something that fits you. Have a seat.

I'm a teacher.

All right. What do you teach?

Social studies for underachievers.

Not bad. That could be funny.

Oh, it is funny. You should meet the sweat hogs.

Yeah, you should meet the sweat hogs. Sweat hogs? What sweat hogs?

Sweat hogs are the kids I teach. I love it. I'm laughing already.

You don't look like you're laughing.

It's inside here, where it counts.

Now, tell me about these kids.

Well, uh... Let me see. There's Arnold Horschak. Great name. Love it. What's he

like? Well, he's short.

He's got a kind of pointy nose. He laughs.

You wouldn't believe the laugh that's going on inside him.

You know, you better watch out. You could get an ingrown chuckle.

I'm serious.

This stuff is great. You got more?

Sure, I got more. There's Juan Epstein. He's a tough guy. He was voted...

Most likely to take a life in this, uh... Stop.

You're killing me here.

Look, you put these kids in your routine, you got yourself a nightclub

Now, I'll see you here next Sunday night.

What?

Next Sunday.

Do the new stuff, talk about the kids, right?

Yeah, sure, right.

Great. See you then.

Honey, remind me next week to bring my stethoscope.

Stethoscope, why?

For one, I would like to hear that man laugh.

Funny, Julie, very funny. I'm getting funnier.

All right, guys, I think I got it. Let me try it, all right? No interruptions.

Just a minute.

Mr. Music, can I have a drum roll, please?

They call themselves the sweat hogs. Let me tell you about them. Well, there's

Freddie Washington.

We started to call him Boom Boom. That's his nickname, Boom Boom. And here he

walks like this. You know, you see him walking down the street. He's always

walking like this.

And he says, hi there.

Relax. Take a break.

Let me say, I don't walk like this.

I don't do that. See, what I do is I relax. I let myself hang.

I let it stay back and I just give it.

Hi there.

that? I can do it. You think you can hang? Yeah. Let me see you hang.

Let me see you hang. You loose? Get some rhythm. Let me move them hips. All

right. You're doing nice. All right.

Hang back and give it to me. You ready? Yeah. You ready? Yeah. Let it go.

Hi there.

It's going to take a lot more than practice to get him to look like me.

How fast do you tan?

Sit down.

Copper tone?

Sit down.

All right. The next sweat hog is Juan Epstein.

Juan Epstein is half Jewish and half Puerto Rican.

His favorite dish is matzo ball tacos.

Funny, that's funny.

Juan has a very strange walk. He walks like he's got his lunch in his shoes.

Something like this.

Come on, come on, don't be crazy. Nobody walks like that.

You got to go for the gold, you know? Why don't you try some of my old notes

them? Notes? What are your notes? It's a great idea. Yeah, yeah.

All right, now what you got to do is you got to ask for a category, an improv.

Okay, give me a category. Go ahead.

Space program.

All right, that's good. That's good. Let's see.

Dear Mr. Carter, please excuse Juan for being absent.

He got chosen by NASA to be the first punk in orbit.

See? Use the A stuff.

That's funny. All right, I'll do it now. Go ahead. Okay.

Epstein always has these... What are you doing? I'm the cocktail waitress.

You've got to get into the reality of this.

You sit down. Come on. Keep your hands off me.

I'm going steady with the owner.

I give it six months.

Mr. Carter, don't you pay them no mind at all. Go ahead, talk about me now. Go

ahead, go ahead.

Arnold Horschak, that's right. That's the actual name of the kid in my class.

His name is Arnold Horschak. He goes like this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I thought you said that you weren't going to interrupt. Well, if you want to

sloppy about it. All right, all right, all right.

What am I doing wrong? Well, first of all, it's more rounded tones.

Oh, oh!

Yes, yes. Some guy figured out why I bombed last time.

Oh, I could have told you that.

You went on stage.

I forget about him.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have another student.

His name is Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie Barbarino is very popular with the ladies.

In fact, if information can't find a number, they call Vinnie.

He's the only student I know that's listed in the Guinness Book of Hickeys.

Yeah, well, I've got to say one thing about the sweat hogs. They're

They don't believe in guns.

They insert the bullets manually.

Remember what I was saying about Juan Epstein? Well, whenever he's late or

absent, he always brings in a note, and he writes it himself.

Here's one, an actual note that Juan handed in.

Dear Mr. Cotter, please excuse Juan for being absent for two days. He was flown

to Rome for an ecumenical council with the Pope.

It's signed,

Epstein's mother.

Well, what can I tell you people about the sweat hogs that you already haven't

heard on your police radios?

As the sweat hogs would say, up your noses with rubber hoses.

Wow,

that's a really tempting offer.

and I always wanted to try to get up on stage. Well, I'm really glad you did.

See you next week. You've got a great talent. Don't waste it. Hey, baby.

What do you say, baby, baby?

I don't know. This is all happening so fast.

I suppose I could get a leave of absence.

Yeah, well, come on. What do you think, Julie?

Cotter. Cotter, you're over 30.

Come on, take the shot while you got it.

Mr. Cotter, you were...

guys you know i mean this is like a dream come true for me you know i dreamt

that something like this would one day happen and it's i can't believe it how

many people get to see their dreams come true you know it's the right move i can

feel it here inside come on what do you say well i

guess you know if you get a chance to grab at that brass ring you better take

right all right quiet everybody quiet i have an announcement

starting this tuesday

For Mr. Gabe Cotter, it's goodbye teaching, hello show business.

Is Gabe Cotter serious about doing stand -up comedy?

More important, is he funny doing stand -up comedy?

Will he hit the heights, the skids, or the road?

Will Woodman quit his job and become a professional heckler?

Has Conor turned his back on the sweat hogs?

Now, who will teach these delightful lads?

Does Julie want this for Gabe?

Can a man make a whole career out of Epstein's walk?

Or Shaq's laugh?

Barbarino's charm?

And Washington's cool?

Find out next week on part two of Welcome Back, Cotter.

Poitionally, I think the kids are going to make it big.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Back here where we need ya.

We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

We're all in good spot of breath.

Welcome back.

And that's my way.