Original subtitles

Julie. What?

There's an article in here about my Uncle Zoltan.

Not your famous Uncle Zoltan, the mad scientist.

Yes, that's what it says here. Gabe's famous Uncle Zoltan, the mad scientist,

has just baffled the whole medical world by crossing a

lion and a parrot, and he's got something.

What did it say?

It says, Polly wants a zebra.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Now, today I'd like to talk about the Equal Rights Amendment.

Now, before we get into that, let's get some background on the Constitution.

Now, who remembers what the first part of the Constitution is?

Oh, I know what I know. Ready?

Page one.

Open your books to the Constitution, all right?

Now, what is the first thing you see?

Willie loves Edna.

Willie loves Edna.

This says right here, Willie loves Edna, but Edna loves Herman.

Herman loves Lila, but Lila loves everybody.

Somebody should tell Willie.

Enough, Arnold. The first part of the Constitution is called the preamble.

Preamble. The last part is made up of the amendments.

Now, how were the amendments created?

I can do that. I know that answer.

All right.

Remember the guy who was an old guy with a big white beard, right?

And he goes up the side of the mountain, right? And when he gets to the top,

he's like lightning and thunder and boom.

And then he comes down and written on a big rock, he's got the ten amendments.

After that, I went to intermission. I got popcorn.

Vinny, that's the commandments, Vinny, not the amendments. The commandments,

amendments. Oh.

Never mind.

Anybody else here want to ramble aimlessly for a while? Yeah!

It's enough aimless rambling for today.

Angie Grabowski transferred from the Bronx.

All right, quiet down.

Quiet down or we won't sweep out your cages.

Now, don't forget, Angie, until the shipment of mace arrives, my office is

a scream away.

In the meantime, you've entered the wild.

to the deepest, darkest jungles of Brooklyn, where you will meet the sweat

in their natural habitat.

First off, we have Arnold Horschak.

He's the last of a dying species.

Yeah, but he ain't dying fast enough.

Hello.

How are you?

Are you here permanently, or are you just temporarily here to drive us crazy?

Next, over here, we have an Epstein. Now, he can be dangerous, so you got to

keep your windows rolled up at all times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand what all you cats are getting all bent

of shape about, huh?

I mean, she's just another beautiful woman, you know what I mean?

Please, stop it.

You can be anything.

Now, the Epstein can also be very gentle. In fact, he'll take the food

of your hand.

All right, get out of here.

My name is Vinnie Barbarino.

And very shortly, you're going to start to feel faint.

And your knees are going to start to buckle.

And then you'll fall on my arms.

And then you're going to... All right, Vinnie, shut up!

Now,

last but not least, we have the Washington.

Now, he's smooth and suave and fast.

In fact, he can go up to 40 miles an hour.

That's just with his mouth.

Hi there.

Well, that's it, Angie. You met the sweat hogs. Everyone knows the sweat

They're legends. They're larger than life.

Yeah, everybody except for Arnold Rorschach. He's shorter than life.

Okay, Angie, we're in the middle of a lesson, so why don't you sit down? Sure,

Mrs. Martin. Come sit over with me. I think we're going to be great friends.

Oh, I certainly hope so.

Did you ever try writing the answers down the front of your dress?

No, but I'd gladly erase them for you any time.

I'm great at hotlining cards.

Hey, baby, I can sneeze at will.

Angie, come on.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carter, but please don't spoil this. This isn't really my

greatest moment.

Your greatest moment?

Yeah, this is the moment that Angie Grabowski becomes a playhawk.

Angie, you're a girl.

Hey, Freddie, I don't remember us ever having a girl into sweat hogs. Yeah.

Well, couldn't you start with me?

Look, Angie, baby.

I would like to start something with you, but this ain't it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should know that girls can't become guys.

That's why they have separate washrooms.

exception look um angie's in there right yeah let me let me put this to you in a

different kind of way forget it all right now no exceptions we start this up

pretty soon it'd be called the sweat hogs vienna girl choir

You feel like shooting pool? Okay.

Nah, we shot pool yesterday. Let's go to a movie. Okay. Nah, man, we should do

some stuff outdoors.

You know, we can go over to the George Washington Bridge and hope that somebody

jumps.

Nah, it's too cold outside.

Yeah, Angie's right.

It's too cold outside for anything like that.

Oh, my, what did I say?

Hey, who asked you?

Well, I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn.

I'm just kind of new to the sweat hog.

Look, Angie Grabowski.

Grabowski.

Well, whatever your name is, sweetheart.

Now, look, for the last time, sitting in that classroom over there don't make

you no sweat hog. You understand?

Yeah. Yeah, you see, the sweat hogs ain't a club.

It's a state of mind.

But I want to be a sweat hog. I can do anything you guys can.

Oh?

Can you pick up girls?

Well, no.

Neither can I.

women have been liberated?

How do you like that, huh, Vinnie? I mean, I missed the 11 o 'clock news one

night. I don't know what's going on.

Hey, uh, look.

Angie, that's your name?

You gotta earn your way into the sweat hot. Look at me, baby. I'm talking. My

lips, they're moving.

Now, look, it ain't easy. Now, you take Arnold Horschak over there, for

instance. Now, how do you think he became a sweat hot?

How did he become a sweat hot?

I'm not doing a membership drive.

Come on.

You've got a point there.

Well, anyway, look.

You want to be in a sweat hog?

You've got to prove yourself.

But how can I?

Well, one thing that you can always... Don't worry about it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I had a cousin of mine went up to the Bronx once, came back with some real

horror stories.

Really? Mm -hmm. Took some pictures of some lions and tigers and bears.

Oh, my.

Yeah, lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my. Yeah, lions and tigers and bears.

my. Yeah, well, I don't think that that Angie is weird at all.

You know, coming from you, Horshack, that don't mean nothing.

so weird about worshipping sweat hogs all your life?

I think I'll forget I asked that.

Guys, pull up a seat. I got something to tell you. All right.

Now, you see, I've got a plan. I could get rid of this Angie baby for good.

What we're going to do is I'll take her home to my house, right, and lock her in

a room with my mother.

You know what's going to happen, right?

In two hours' time, that Angie Grabowski, right? She's going to come

Angelina Teresa of Philharmonica.

Guaranteed. All right.

Who did it?

Which one of the three?

Hey, Mr.

Whitman, didn't they tell you? The wet look is out.

Woodman, Mr.

Woodman. Oh.

How many times do we got to tell you?

First you take your clothes off, then you take your shower.

Now, tell me.

First I take... Oh, come on.

One of you thieves set off the sprinkler system in my office.

Freddy, did you do that? There's a great idea. Hey, wait a minute, wait a

minute. I ain't did nothing.

Well, someone here did. Only a sweat hog would stoop so low.

Uh, I didn't stoop, Mr. Woodman. I stood on a chair.

You? Oh, how cute.

Convincing her.

Convincing her to take the blame for something you did. What do you take me

Some kind of sap?

Well, you are dripping.

Well, it won't work.

And when Principal Lazarus hears what you did, you have my promise, every one

you will be expelled by tomorrow morning.

Expel me too, Mr.

Woodman. Just expel me too.

Angie?

Where'd you go and do that for?

Well, I was just trying to prove myself.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

You proved that we can all get expelled.

Well, I'll get myself expelled, too, I promise.

It's just hard being one of the sweat hogs. We gotta stick together, all for

and one for all.

Angie, go do me a favor, will you? Go gargle with glue.

Yeah, then try hanging from a ceiling by your tongue.

Now let's go.

Come on.

Yeah, you're right.

Sweathogs don't cry.

Hey, Mr. Cutter! Mr. Cutter! Mr. Cutter!

Listen,

I thought that maybe you could help Angie out. She's in a lot of trouble.

Yes, I heard.

Angie, how'd you do that? It only took you four hours.

I think that's a new school record.

Look, Mr. Cutter, you see, I...

I thought that maybe you could give her a little advice on how to become a sweat

hog the proper way. You know, like you taught me, remember?

Well, all I taught Arnold, Angie, was you got to be yourself.

That's right.

And when that didn't work, I told him to be somebody else.

Come on.

Help her.

Okay, Angie's problem is a little different, Arnold. Come over here to my

office, right over here. Right this way?

Angie. All you were doing was your old basic trying too hard.

I mean, you really wanted to be accepted, and you got everybody in a lot

trouble, and Woodman got all wet.

Not that he wasn't in the first place.

Yeah, I guess I was just trying much too hard.

Yeah.

Let me tell you a little story.

Oh, I love stories, Mr. Carter.

You do?

Yeah, especially ones about relatives and aunts and uncles.

Angie, we're going to get along really well.

As a matter of fact, that's all you're going to hear.

He has more uncles than Alex Haley.

Well, I want to hear it anyway.

All right, but this one's not about my uncle. It's about a guy I went to school

with. His name was Bullets Bernstein.

Now, Bullets wanted to be a sweat hog more than anything in the world.

So what he did is he tried to act tough.

Come to school every day with his hair slicked back, leather coat, try and pick

fights with people. Start talk like this. Hey, I want to be sweetheart.

I want to be sweetheart.

Hey, I want to be sweetheart.

Well, did he get into the sweetheart?

No, no one could understand what he was saying.

But Angie, do you understand?

Mr. Carter, if she says yes, will you stop?

Say yes, Angie.

Yes. Boy, she learns fast.

Let me tell you another story. No, no, Mr. Carter, that was a terrific story.

You helped us so much. Thank you.

There you go.

Oh, no, that ain't it. I won't know.

Try it again. Go ahead, all the way. Hold on, Mr.

Carter's really a funny guy.

Yeah, he sure is funny, ain't he?

If only his jokes were.

Oh, Rorschach, I didn't know you were so smooth.

What?

I didn't know you was a traitor.

Who? That's right, Arnold.

As in Benedict.

Hey, listen, you guys, I was just trying to help Angie out here.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'd like to know who let her in here.

Will you come on, little one? I'm sure that Angie realizes that it is not as

easy to become a sweetheart as she thought, all right?

Yeah, I just wanted you guys to like me, that's all.

Hey, listen, listen to me.

You have given us the greatest honor yet.

What are you talking about? Well, she got us expelled.

He worked something.

Expelled.

Hey, well, I ain't never figured myself to be expelled.

I mean, drop out gracefully.

Or honorably demoted, maybe.

But completely expelled, I mean, that was just a crazy dream.

Yeah, come on, come on, Angie. To pull a stunt like that, I don't know.

It's bizarre.

Yeah. You know what, Angie? See, our stunts always had two things. That was

original. And two, they have no evidence.

You're so smart.

Like the time we put the kitty litter in Mr. Woodman's hairspray?

For two weeks, he thought he had impacted dandruff.

See, Andy, your start was purely amateur night.

Well, yeah, I know. I thought it would be a lot noisier than it was.

You mean more than the screams of a man drowning in his own suit? I thought the

fire alarms were supposed to go off, too.

Hey, wait a minute. The fire alarms were supposed to go off.

You know, you're right. You know, if there was a fireman, we would have all

fried.

Who's responsible for that?

Three guesses.

Our little white -haired friend.

Woodman.

All right, all right.

What are you doing dressed up like a fireman? What are you doing dressed up

a vice principal?

Wait a minute. I worked years for my credentials.

You probably stood in the wrong line.

Ready with the report from the men's room, sir.

Angie, you went in the men's room?

That's all right. I kept my eyes closed.

All right. Any violations on the code there? No.

but I just sunk the tidy bowl, man.

What is going on? There's no fire here.

Well, how would you know?

It's simple. We have a fire alarm.

Right.

Break it, Freddy.

All right, all right.

I got this pitch here from Hank Aaron personally.

Wait a minute. You can't do that.

Sure I can.

will go off all over the school.

Oh.

Oh, that's pretty.

Mr. Woodman, it doesn't work.

Mr. Woodman... I can't hear you. The sound of that alarm is deafening.

It doesn't work. What?

I just wonder whose responsibility...

system is operational, Mr. Woodman.

It's not mine. I'm just a student pretending to be a fire chief.

Yeah, and it's not mine. You know why? Because I'm just a student pretending to

be a student.

Yeah, and I don't know about me.

I'm just a tin man.

How was I supposed to know it was defective? Well, you better come up with

answer before the next school board meeting, Mr. Woodman. Come on, there's

reason why they have to find out about it.

we get expelled.

This is blackmail.

We prefer the term extortion.

All right.

All right. All right. Go get out of those stupid outfits.

You, give me that. No.

Ruben, I've seen you mad before, but I've never seen you foaming at the suit.

I don't believe it.

Two suits in two days.

Well, Mr. Ruben, they came with two sets of pants, didn't they? Yeah.

So wear one of the sets of pants. There's a top tomorrow.

Don't be so stupid. They don't matter.

want a ticket to the fireman's ball.

Second of all, what's going on here?

Hey, Mr. Carter, everything's cool. We saved the school.

You did, huh? How'd you get Woodman to resign?

No, Mr. Carter, we just got Mr. Woodman to realize that the fire alarm system

don't work.

Look, I don't care. It really didn't work?

Take a look over there. We put the lever down, nothing happened.

Well, look, I really don't approve of your methods, but if the system wasn't

working, you did a worthwhile thing.

Hey, Mr. Carter, it was Angie that done it, though. That's right, man. She did.

Thanks a lot, Arnold. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be a sweat hog.

Wait a second.

Who said that she was a sweat hog?

That's right. You got to remember now.

Consider yourself the lowest of the low.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

I think, Angie, that means they just made you a sweat hog, right? All right!

Mr.

Woodman, did I ever tell you about my uncle Ebenezer Carter?

Ebenezer Carter.

He was the cheapest man in the world.

Cheapest man in the world. That's right. One time he was reading a newspaper. He

sees in there, tell the television, $40 each for the first five people in line.

So you know what he does? He's so cheap, he goes there the night before and he

camps out in front of the department store.

Waiting there all night.

He's third in line. There's two people even cheaper than him.

Next morning, he stands up.

Little man tries to walk in front of him. He says, hey, you, get to the back

the line.

Two minutes later, same little man tries to get in front of him. He said, I

thought I told you to get to the back of the line.

Little guy says, okay, but who's going to open the store?

Who's going to open the store?

Was the owner.

Couldn't open the store. Oh, he's the owner.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back

Welcome back Welcome back