Original subtitles

My uncle, Magnanovich Cotter.

Magnanovich? Yes, he was my uncle. One time he reads there in the paper,

construction workers wanted 150 miles out of town. He goes there, gets the

Weeklady Y is back.

Sylvia, that's my aunt's name, Sylvia, have gotten a job, and you know what?

I've been promoted to foreman, a feather in my cap.

Terrific, huh? Terrific.

But that's not over yet. Two weeks, Lady Y.

Sylvia, have been promoted to manager, another feather in my cap.

Outstanding, right?

Outstanding, but not over yet. Not over yet, no. Three weeks later, he wires

back, Sylvia, have made Vice President another feather in my cap.

He was doing great.

What a guy, wasn't he? What a guy.

Except two weeks after that, he wires, Sylvia, have been fired. Send money so I

can take the train home.

Sylvia wires back, use all your feathers and fly home.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We need you. Yeah, we teased him a lot. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Go on, Arnold. Go on, man. You can handle it. Just deal with it. Mind over

matter. Go ahead. Bend that spoon. Go ahead.

What?

I think you just shrunk my shorts.

Get bent.

Get bent.

Mind over matter.

Get bent.

There you go, Ronald.

Hey, that's even better.

Epstein over matter.

Donald, have you had some of my mother's matzo ball soup?

Speaking about matzo balls, where's Barbarino?

His family took him to Jersey.

Why? Was he being punished?

No, no, his cousin had an accident.

Oh, wow.

In a car?

Well, I don't know, but Vinnie's going to be the best man.

All right, enough about that.

Today I'd like to talk about pre -Columbian exploration.

Now open your books and no interruptions. I think we should...

interrupt, Connor.

I have great news for you. What, your pet scorpion had a litter?

Very funny, Connor.

Today is the day Buchanan enters the computer age.

Oh, that's right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a big surprise for you today.

Okay, you can bring it in.

Thank you, Mr. Schwartz.

Careful.

Here it is.

Greatest educational advance in 50 years.

Does that thing get soul trained?

Of course not.

It's a highly experimental computer terminal loaned us by the university.

And you people should feel honored.

The university searched for three months to find exactly the right class to try

out this computer.

And if it works here, we're going to take it up a step and try it on some

chimps.

Settle down, settle down. You get no bananas for lunch.

Yes, you get no bananas for lunch or for dinner today.

You get scallions and onions and that's enough of that. Okay.

Now, this is what you call a terminal.

It is hooked up to a computer.

Now, in order to activate the computer, I have to give it a message in code.

Oh, code.

Like, it's snowing in Berlin.

So move to Miami.

No, the password that this computer is supposed to recognize is Mr. Cotter.

Let's try it.

Turn it on.

Mr. P -P -E -R.

Mr. Cutter, you have been recognized.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's pretty cool. Wow.

How'd you do that without moving your lips?

It wasn't me, Epstein. That was the computer.

Well, drink a glass of water and see if it talks then.

Okay, now watch. I'm going to program it for data information.

What information do you require?

I got a question for the

computer. What, Arnold?

Can I go to the bathroom?

Arnold, there are some questions a computer can't handle. Now, do you

have to go to the bathroom?

Well, not that I know of.

But you never know.

nature will ring its little bell.

All right. Now, today we're supposed to learn about pre -Columbian exploration.

Now, does anybody have a question on that?

Yeah, me.

Well, what is it?

That's my question. What is it?

Okay, let's find out.

American history.

Pre -Columbian exploration.

In 986.

The first Norse colony was established on the coast of Greenland by Eric the

Red.

Eric the Red?

That's right, and that was 1 ,200 years before James the Brown, Slappy the

White, and Shecky the Green.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Hey, let's check it out. Let's see what that

thinks about that, Mr. Cartier.

All right.

James the...

taking off for Omaha, Kansas City, and Detroit.

Open the hangar here. Come.

Good girl.

Good girl.

There you go.

Honey, Rachel's asleep.

How's Robin doing?

She's going to be fine just as soon as we land in Bombay. We're going all the

way to Bombay.

Bombay plane coming in. Bombay plane.

Come on. What's the matter? You don't like the movie? Come on.

Open up. One more. One more, Robin. One more.

That's great, honey. She usually hates strained bananas.

That's how they got on the wall.

Well, they've done something with this. Says new and improved.

Yeah, they probably left out the bananas.

You know, it's great to see you spending more time with the girls, honey.

Usually now you're preparing tomorrow's lesson.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

I don't have to do that now, honey. The computer does that.

Oh? Well, what about grading papers?

The computer does that, too.

Marking tests?

Computer.

So who needs you?

I was hoping that you did.

Oh, well, that depends.

On what?

Depends on how tall the computer is.

Isn't your mommy a funny lady, Robin?

Isn't she funny? Look, say, funny mommy. Stick your tongue out. That's good.

Say goodnight to your daddy.

Come on.

Goodnight, Robin.

Say goodnight to daddy.

Good night, Daddy.

Bye -bye. Good night, Daddy.

Bye -bye.

You know, honey, that computer's really terrific.

The kids love it, and it makes my job a lot easier.

But, uh, what do you do now?

What do I do now? Yeah. I turn on the computer.

That's it?

No. At 12 o 'clock, I turn it off.

And at 1 o 'clock, I turn it back on again.

Oh, that's just great, honey. It gives you all sorts of free time to...

Fix things around here.

Yeah, well, I'll be happy to fix anything.

You know, I can't remember the last time I had so much free time.

I can.

Really? What happened?

We had twins.

Major General Sir William Powell, Sir Henry Clinton, and John McGowan arrived

May 25th to assist days.

Hey, that machine, it's really pretty smart.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my uncle's got something even smarter than that.

Oh, what's it called?

My aunt.

Did you guys know that Gage was the first now? Come on, they're wrecking the

recording here.

Be cool, baby.

Oh, incredible strategy.

I mean,

what's the big deal about all this stuff? I taught this to you two months

Mr. Carter, this is a key.

Now, don't you got nothing to do? Can't you see we're busy here learning?

Yeah. I got plenty to do. There's over 300 ways to play solitaire.

Solitaire cutter?

You run out of play dough?

And tomorrow we're going to let you color a horsey.

I am trying to tell you nerds that the grades of everyone in this room have

up dramatically. Do you know what it means?

Yeah, it means you're in the wrong room.

It means I'm going to look great. It was all my idea. They'll definitely make me

principal. Oh, yeah?

Well, what about Principal Lazarus?

He's an old guy.

You see that, Mr. Warren?

You're right.

By bringing this computer in here, you did a great thing.

Your averages are over 75.

Congratulations.

You're a genius.

You're a genius.

Face it, Carter.

You're out of date.

You're a DeSoto in a world of Datsuns.

was garrison by 1 ,600 men with six... Sally, Sally, Sally,

Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally. Just a second, Oliver.

You know, honey, you should not be so upset about that computer. It's only

temporary. Yeah, that's what Woodrow Wilson said about income tax.

You know what bothers me the most, honey?

Teaching just isn't fun anymore.

Well, that's because you are letting the computer program you.

You are the one that's supposed to push the button.

I can't help it.

Where's the salad dressing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot, honey. What kind do you want? Any kind. Doesn't

I can't help it. I feel like the computer's the meat and I'm the

helper.

Oh, gee.

I'm sorry, honey. I don't like this kind.

Well, what kind do you want, honey?

Any kind.

Besides this.

I'm sorry. You know I... I know, honey. It's okay. Don't worry about it.

There you go, sweetie.

Not on your life.

It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I always like dressing as four months old.

Two.

Look, honey, it's only a toy. The kids will get bored with it. I think they are

getting tired of it. This afternoon I caught Washington trying to make it play

pong.

Kidding.

Kidding? I am not programmed for kidding.

I am only programmed for joshing.

Joshing. Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Josh?

He was a Model 324X Zero.

One time this pretty computer program trainee came in and started to punch his

buttons. He said, hey, wait a second. Take me out a few times first.

All

right,

Freddy, the truth.

I think you're bluffing. Oh, yeah?

Go fish.

Morning.

Excuse me for interrupting, but isn't anybody listening to the computer?

No.

Sit down.

Epstein, what's the computer been talking about?

Paul Revere's ride.

That's amazing. You can hear things when you're sleeping.

What do you think put me to sleep?

Mr.

Carter, for now, that thing's been doing nothing but talking about Paul Revere's

ride. I mean, what's the big deal?

It's just a story about a man and his horse.

Actually, do you know that there were two men?

William Dawes rode along with Paul Revere?

Gee, that's really cheap.

Two men on a horse.

Um, Mr. Carter, I...

I didn't know that Paul Revere had a partner.

Well, not too many people do, Freddy.

You see, William Dawes was like a regular guy. He wasn't a show -off. So

they rode into town, he said, go ahead, Paul, you tell them.

Anyway, I think it's important that you learn about William Dawes because

there's a lot of people in history that don't... I

thought so, Cutter.

Back to your old tricks.

Teach him.

Mr. Woodman, I think the guys are getting a little tired of this computer.

Nonsense.

They love it.

Machines aren't boring. People are boring.

Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to our new show, People Are Boring.

going to spoil my day because I have great news.

Oh?

You ran over Benji?

Better.

The university has offered us the computer for the rest of the semester.

All right, all right, all right. Cork it, clowns.

Mr. Jan of the school board is coming by tomorrow to decide.

This machine is my ticket to the top.

And nothing better go wrong.

What could go wrong?

That's the same thing General Keston said the night before Little Bighorn.

Think that'll do it, Freddy?

Are you kidding?

You worked on Mission Impossible.

Hey,

they're coming, they're coming.

You all know...

Good morning, good morning, everybody. You all remember Mr. Jan from the school

board? Hello, Mr.

Jan from the school board.

I was just telling Mr. Jan that only last week this class was stupid.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Carter, as you know, we have the opportunity to use this machine for

semester.

Well, Mr. Carter, I'd like to see a demonstration.

Before I do that, I would like to say I think this machine can help as an aid.

But what's happening here is the machine... Cut it, Carter. Turn it on.

chop. No offense, but... Hey, Mr.

Carter, maybe you ought not turn it on.

It's okay. Good. Turn it on, Carter.

It's okay. Go ahead. Turn it on. Go ahead.

particular subject?

How about the Battle of Waterloo?

Okay. European history.

Battle of... Waterloo.

Wait till you hear this.

The Battle of Waterloo was fought in 1850.

The Duke of Wellington commanded the Allied forces, which included England,

Austria, Prussia, and the Harlem Globetrotters.

What?

forces to fight the armies of Napoleon, Julie Andrews, and the Muppets.

Mr.

Woodman, you better have an explanation for this.

I do.

He did it.

Him and his punks, they ruined my machine.

You can't prove nothing.

Mr. Jan, I'm afraid Mr. Woodman is probably right.

But you have to understand why they did it.

He made them think that their teacher was being replaced by a machine.

I had a dream.

Look, like I was trying to say before, this machine is valuable.

It should be used by a teacher, not instead of a teacher. I agree, Mr.

However, we may find a better place for this computer.

Say... In administration.

Mr. Jan! Mr. Jan, wait!

I'll be back, Potter, as soon as I have my spasm.

Mr. Jan!

Why did you do it?

Hey, look, Mr. Cartier, we had to do something. I mean, one more week with

computer machine, man, we would have got a diploma in sleeping.

Washington, that machine belongs to the university.

Now, you guys had no right to tamper with it. Come on, come on, Mr. Carter,

was a crisis.

We was desperate people in a desperate hour.

I mean, just like Paul Revere and Mr. Dawes. Yeah.

Don't make any analogies here, Epstein. You were wrong, and that's that.

Okay, okay, Mr. Carter, we was wrong.

Okay, sit down.

Now. We'll get back to teaching the way it's supposed to be. One human to

another human.

On June 26, 1783, William G.

One night,

my

aunt, Marion, then my uncle Bill out at

three o 'clock.

in the morning for a pizza.

To get a pizza.

It was anchovies.

With anchovies.

The pizza man said, hey, Bill, it's snowing and raining

outside.

Why did you come to get a pizza?

Why did you come to get a pizza?

My uncle Bill said, it wasn't me, my wife sent me out.

My wife sent me out.

The pizza man said, your wife sent you out 3 o 'clock in the morning to get

a pizza?

To get a pizza.

My uncle Bill said, do you think my mother would send me out on a night like

this?

What, I'm not like this?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back again?