Original subtitles

Hey, Julie.

What, Gabe?

Did I irritate about my Uncle Arnold?

Wasn't he the one who needed a hearing aid?

No, no, no. He was the one who needed a hearing aid.

Like one of his relatives, I know.

Yeah, well, anyway, my Uncle Arnold buys this expensive hearing aid, and he's

showing it to his friend Saul.

He says, Saul, this is the greatest hearing aid on the market. Boy, can you

things with this hearing aid. It's terrific.

A wonderful invention, this hearing aid.

His friend Saul says, what kind is it?

My uncle says.

It's a quarter to three.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Uh -oh. What?

I think I put them a little too close to the heater.

Oh, honey.

The three wise men all melted together.

Yeah, well, just think of them now as one wise blob.

On Hanukkah, I didn't melt your menorah, Gabe.

Oh, come on, honey.

This is the first Christmas Eve when we've all been together.

Just you, me, the babies,

and the door.

It's supposed to be Christmas Eve. Not even a creature's supposed to be

You're not going to believe what's coming in the door.

Fred, some seasonal cheer.

Boy, pulling that sled up them stairs, that's murder.

I don't know how Santa Claus does it. Well, that's why Hanukkah's a better

holiday, you know?

At least you get eight days for delivery.

Yeah. Well, I'm tired of being Bambi.

I'm going to be Santa Claus now.

All right, Vinnie. You can be Santa right after you stop off at my house.

I remember, ain't everybody dreaming of a white Christmas?

You know, guys, at times like this, Christmas, we're all together and just

thinking about it, I realize how close we've all gotten and how much we all

to each other.

Hey, Horshack, big news flash.

You're short.

You too, munchkin.

The whole room is short.

Hi there.

When I'm in that classroom, I think of myself as a missionary among savages in

New Guinea.

Come on. Guess who's coming to dinner?

Okay. What are you cooking?

My world -famous tuna casserole.

It's nobody that we ever want to see again.

Vinnie, this report got soggy.

My mother cried on it.

Where's your report card?

Oh, my report... Well, you see, I don't happen to have it right here.

Handy.

You know, horse shacks are very old and respected now.

It means the cattle are dying.

Have you bitten anybody lately?

Oh, you know how it is in China, boss. You bite somebody, two hours later, you

want to bite them again.

That's pretty good.

They do a lot of pretending in that class.

They pretend to be students. He pretends to be a teacher.

You love my tuna casserole.

No, you love your tuna casserole.

Nobody puts prunes in a tuna casserole.

You making fun of me?

Listen,

I got something to tell you. Your sister won.

Your sister.

Oh, yeah?

Forget my sister. Your mother.

Oh, yeah?

The light around her head don't fool me.

Hey, Vinnie!

Hey, call me your mother!

Hi,

there.

Yeah, hi, dear. Where's your notebook?

My notebook?

Well, I just don't happen to have it here.

Handy.

I am ready.

to see you make a complete and utter fool of yourself.

I tried something new with the tuna casserole.

The hard things are coffee beans.

Hey, Carla, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Why don't you take one end of a rubber hose and put it in your mouth?

And then you take the other and you put it up your nose.

And then you blow till your brains fall out.

They can't be allowed to mingle with people.

Take them to the zoo so they can see family.

What do you guys got to eat?

Here, Vinnie. Why don't you have some of this nice fruitcake that my mother sent

us? Oh, no, I couldn't eat that.

No. I got stuck with my teeth.

Yeah. That last time I ate it, I couldn't get it out for weeks.

You got those cookies?

The kind that shape little Santa Claus with little bells?

With little candies on them? Little candy buttons? Oh, they're delicious.

Vinnie, by now I would think you'd learned to settle for what we have.

Remember what happened the last time you tried to ask for something else?

Strawberry tart.

You like strawberry tarts, Vinnie?

They're all right.

Look, Julie, you know, when it's what, I always have a problem. You know how

that makes me... You got chocolate pudding?

We don't have any chocolate pudding, do we, Julie?

No, we don't have any. We don't have any chocolate pudding. No. They have a

problem, and they won't talk to each other. And if they won't talk to each

other, I can't teach them anything. And if I can't teach them anything, I just

get cranky. I know, honey. How about some money? You got some money?

Do we have any ice cream?

No. We have tarts, Vinnie.

Tarts.

That's it.

Look, I know that, honey, but when you keep making jokes about my tuna

casserole... How about Danish?

You got, like, cherry Danish? Nice cherry Danish.

Vinny, look, you want to have dessert, have a tart. If you don't want to have a

tart, don't have anything. That's all we have, okay? It's tarts.

Julie, when you say things about my jokes, you know how that makes me feel.

It wouldn't have to be cherry. It could be, like, you know, prune or cheese.

You can send out.

You want to know what the biggest joke in this house is?

What? Your tuna casserole. If you just wouldn't make tuna casserole anymore.

Gabe, you want to know what I think about your Uncle Abdul?

I don't believe you did that. Believe it.

I have something I'd like you to send back to Nebraska.

Special delivery.

How about espresso?

You got some nice espresso?

My mother, my mother, she always gives espresso.

Only...

That almost got me killed.

How? It was only a tart.

Only a tart? Do you have any idea what it's like to walk through Brooklyn in

middle of the night with whipped cream on your eyebrows?

Yeah, but Miss Katya, Vinnie's right, man. A person's got to be real careful

when they walk in Brooklyn.

I ain't lying to you. You never know what could happen to you. It's just like

that time... Remember that time when I went on the other side of town and that

rival gang come up on top of me?

Where have you been, Freddy?

Oh, wow, man. I had some trouble.

Hey, you okay?

Hey, man, those guys over at New Utrecht said I invaded their turf.

Did you?

No, not exactly.

Actually, I invaded Pearl Jackson.

Unfortunately, she happens to live right in the middle of their turf. But y 'all

don't worry.

Old Boomer don't have to take care of himself.

See, man, I got surrounded by these seven big bad New Utrecht cats, right,

I mean, it was coming on. Wait a second.

There were seven of them?

No, either it was seven or two. I don't know.

And then I say, hi there.

They don't say nothing.

They just look at me mean.

So I hold my ground.

And I look them straight back in the eye one more time. And then I said to them,

bye there.

Hey, well, you guys, you probably didn't know it at the time, but I was scared.

Oh, come on. You're kidding.

Yeah, you remember when those guys from New York really put the scare into

Freddy? Yeah, he ran home.

We almost got in the fisticuffs with Covelli and his gang.

Looks like we don't have to go to the dance.

Here's the entertainment committee.

I didn't think they was going to show up.

All right.

Who's the leader here?

We make ourselves easy to fight.

Not for this lip service here.

I came here for some action.

Who's the first guy who wants to lose control of his face?

you can start. I don't like to watch him dismember people.

That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

You a senior?

I'm the vice principal.

And, Mr. Carter, is it true that you was one of the toughest guys when you was

in school?

Well, I could hold my own.

Yeah? Well, Frankie Brennan's brother told me that you was in a fight with one

of the toughest guys in school. What happened?

Hey, you know, it's a good time to open the presents.

What do you got for me this time, baby? This one's for Epstein. There you go.

Washington. There you are.

Horseshack.

Oh, thanks, fellas. A planter in the shape of a cow.

Yeah, where do you water it? You're not going to believe how it trains.

Well, thanks a lot, Juan.

That's the kind of presents I like. Things I would never buy for myself.

Oh, look who it is. It's Santa Fraud.

I mean, Santa... Ho, ho, ho in America.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman, but you're a little late because Santa Claus, he's

already here. Check him out.

That's right, Mr. Woodman.

Anyway, you look more like an elf.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Barbarino, up your nose with some mistletoe.

All right, come on.

Cut it out.

Remember what happened last time you guys had a fight?

Ooh, yeah.

Is this your locker, Barbarino?

What?

This locker, is this your locker?

Where?

What? Where?

Barbarino, the only reason you've got a head is to separate your ears.

Separate? I think Mr. Woodland just rang you.

Well, can I ring him back without getting in trouble? Can I do that?

I don't know.

Can he do that?

Sure. I used to be pretty good at this.

Go ahead.

Give me your best shot, clam breath.

And I won't get in no trouble.

No. You mean it?

Sure, I mean it, pepperoni puss.

Well, listen, you snow -capped leprechaun.

your face with an ugly stick.

Very funny, Bob Reno.

That's so funny you can stay after school for two weeks.

Mr. Woodman, you told them that it was all right.

Just call it, Brillo Head.

Boy, you know, it's really dumb to fight.

Who you calling dumb?

Hey, Vinnie, come on. I didn't mean nothing by it.

It's just very good advice.

And after what I went through, I'm lucky I got a mouth to be able to say it.

You don't scare us, Covelli. Any one of my boys here could make you feel like

you've just been through a blender.

Yeah, how would you like it if we frappé'd your face?

Yeah, I didn't hear that, Horshack.

He asked if you liked your face.

I sure hope you ain't allergic to canvas because that's what you're going to be

spending Friday.

Sit, Horshack.

I want you.

You are what he said. Me? Yeah, you.

Me?

What did I say?

Hey, Arnold, you gotta be some kind of jerk to get in a fight with that guy,

Covelli. I mean, he could have rearranged your face.

Might have helped.

not forget the time that you got beat up by Todd Ludlow and was afraid to face

us. Well, I didn't get beat up. I just slipped.

Oh, sure.

Your head slipped into his fist about 10 or 20 times.

Juan, this is Julie.

I've got your flat soda for you.

Pour it under the door.

Juan, the only way you're going to get this soda is to get your tail out of

there. Look.

Mrs. Carter's out there, and I don't feel like facing a woman.

Don't worry, Juan.

I'll lock myself in the bathroom.

Okay, look, you gotta promise me one thing, Mr. Carter.

I promise.

What did I promise?

That you don't look at me.

Okay?

I look at a lamp.

Nice to see you again. You lost a little weight, haven't you?

Hey, Mr. Carter, the second rule after don't look at me is don't make fun of

Epstein, if you didn't want me to look at you, then why did you come here?

To say goodbye.

I'm running away to join the circus.

Don't you know... Don't look at me. Look at the lamp.

Don't you know that the one thing you can't run away from is yourself?

Because no matter where you go, lamp, you go with... you.

So why don't you go back to school?

I can't.

Epstein, can I please look at you? I can't get through to this lamp.

Okay, but like kind of like have no expression on your face.

Epstein.

right when they said it. I'm a punk.

A child of the streets.

A flyspeck on the highway of life.

Hey, nobody cares about me, man.

Okay, then you tell me why those kids have been combing the city looking for

you. They have not.

They have.

In their own way, of course.

Hey, they care about you, Juan.

We all care about you.

And how come you didn't write?

and you learned something important from that.

I did?

You learned that violence can't solve your problems.

Yeah, remember the all -night sit -in at school?

We got them to improve the food in the cafeteria through a peaceful

demonstration.

Hey, Horshack. Huh?

Tell me something.

You ever think about what God is like?

Oh, yeah.

I think he's short.

And he has a marvelous sense of humor.

And a great laugh.

Hey, God can do anything.

He can?

She can.

You know, I think God is kind of tough, you know?

But he's fair.

Sort of like John Wayne in a white beard, you know?

All right, pilgrims.

those clouds in our circle.

Well, I got my own idea of what God is like.

I know he's a sharp dresser.

And he's good looking.

And of course, he's Italian.

Yeah. Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive.

God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section.

He got a piano, a bass, a guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.

Well, I think that God is love.

And if God were here, he would love my tuna casserole.

Hey, Mr. Carter, what's your feelings on this subject?

Well, I think that God is everywhere.

Even in liver?

He's everywhere.

He's in Times Square, used to be in Ebbets Field.

Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field.

He's moonlighting Vermont, autumn in New York.

All the standards.

He's everywhere.

With the possible exception of Epstein's gym lock.

You know, guys, all of us being here together Christmas Eve, it reminds me of

little story.

You see, my uncle...

I'd love to stay and hear your story, Carter, but I already gave you a gift.

Yeah, Mr. Cartier, we just got to split. All

a

good night.

Well, honey, sugar plum, baby, this is it. All alone.

Yeah.

Let me tell you this little story.

Oh,

Santa Claus.

Nice to see you again this year.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my cousin Frida?

Well, you see, she had a nose stick, but it grew back.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the bot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.