Original subtitles

Julie, anything about my cousin Janet who's away at school?

No. She just wrote my aunt and my uncle a letter.

She said, Dear Mama Pop, I know I haven't written to you for a week, but

have been some extenuating circumstances.

First of all, I had an accident and I hurt my leg.

It's not serious. The doctor said I should recover full use of it in about a

year. The reason I didn't need your support was because I've met a boy.

In fact, I met him over a year ago and I have neglected to tell you about him.

He's much older than I am and he's not of our religion, but I think that you'll

get to like him.

We are going to get married. Not that we want to, we just have to.

I'm sure you'll understand.

Jerry should find a job. He's been looking quite hard for the past year.

Then she signed a name. Your loving daughter, Janet.

P .S.

Everything I've written you is absolutely false.

However, I did get a D in English, and I wanted you to see it in its proper

perspective.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

What are you people doing with all this merchandise?

Going to open up a pawn shop?

Hey, Mr. Conte, are you kidding, man? You couldn't find stuff like this in a

Picasso garage sale.

Hey, man, all this stuff here, these are projects for art appreciation class.

Well, I thought it was be kind to trash week.

Now, Mr. Conte, there's a big difference between garbage and art.

The art collector don't come twice a week.

All right, let's see what you got.

Arnold Horschak, come on down.

Thank you, thank you, my friends. Thank you, Don Pardo.

Here it is, Mr. Carter. Do you like it?

Do I like it? Well, this is one of the best, um, one of these I've ever seen.

Then you know what it is.

Of course I know what it is, Arnold. I'm a teacher.

Let's see if one of them knows what it is.

Yeah, I know what it is. I can check it out from any distance. Let me check this

out a little slow.

A swimming pool for pygmies.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's a hat for a monkey.

You better put a strap on it all.

Go ahead, Mr.

Carter. You tell them what it is. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Well, uh...

This is... Arnold,

it's your project. Why don't you tell them?

It's a combination ashtray and denture cup.

You see, you can put out your cigarettes and your teeth at the same time.

All right, you want to see art?

Okay, I'll show you art. Check it out. Check it out.

Look at it.

All right.

This is the plaster of Paris pizza.

All right. The nice screws are made as anchovies.

And he washes the pepperonis.

What's that right over there?

That's the fly that fell in when I was making it.

It looks so good to him, he didn't know the difference.

You want a piece?

No, no, no. I like sausage pizza.

No, I can't make you die. I ran out of bolts.

Okay, Mr. Captain, now since you dispensed with the amateurs, it's time

paid with a visit from the old master, better known as Vincent Van Gogh of the

ghetto.

Got it right under here. I made a bust.

Check it out.

This hand symbolizes man reaching out to his fellow man.

I think his manicure is turned on him.

That's what happens when you don't tip.

Thanks, sir.

Terrific, Frank. Thanks a lot.

Okay, now today... Buenos morning, buenos morning.

Epstein, Epstein!

Okay.

First of all, you're five minutes late.

And second of all, where's your project for art class?

My art project's out the window.

Out the window? Yeah.

Where? Right out there.

The wino on the park bench is your project?

Come on, come on. You got to look down. You got to look down.

Oh, that sheet on the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every year, a student is picked to

paint a mural for Art Appreciation Week.

And this year, you were picked to paint the mural?

Well, actually, I was the runner -up.

The guy they picked first met with a very unfortunate accident.

I guess the art game could be real rough, you know?

Yeah, I guess so. What'd you paint? Well, look, it's not just the painting,

I mean, it's... Look, Mr. Carter.

Once in a lifetime, a man knows a moment.

A wonderful moment.

When fate takes his hand.

And this is his moment.

May I present to you Epstein's Madonna.

That's nice.

That's really nice.

That's damn nice.

That's the first time I've seen an artist sign his name up somebody's nose.

Well, it's a good thing she ain't alive.

One big sneeze and you'd be anonymous.

Hey, you guys ain't seen nothing yet. The rest of us are around the corner.

Why did you paint her around the corner?

It's a heck of a lot easier than straightening out the wall.

Oh,

boy.

Connor, this is an outrage.

She's nude.

I'm an artist. I paint what's inside of me.

The problem's not what you've got on the inside, it's what she's got on the

outside.

Now I know why my sister has her own room.

Epstein, she's supposed to have clothes on.

I ran out of paint.

Now listen, Epstein, either you put those grapes where they do some good, or

I'll send you to Principal Lazarus' office.

Mr. Woodman, that's not for you to decide. I mean, this mural is his art

project. It's wonderful.

And what's he doing for social studies?

Inviting Poland?

Take it easy, huh?

Juan, Woodman does have a point. I mean, the lady's nude.

Come on, I know my right.

This is a schoolyard wall.

A lot of people go by here every day. Now, if you wanted to paint something

this, you could have done it on a canvas.

Look, you don't understand.

It's I.

Now, that's my vision of life, and I ain't going to change it. That's right.

That's right.

So look, you've got it right. Besides, once I connect the dots, that's that.

Hey, Mr.

Cotter.

Here are the off books that you want us to pick up in the library. You know,

some of the pictures in here are definitely not... Profitable for family

viewing.

Boy, we got some bad titles inside them books, boy. Right here, we got

Renaissance Painters, uh -huh. We got over here, um, The Great Masters. That's

good one. That's bad, boy. And right over here, we have Toulouse the Trek and

other short stories.

I can tell this book's really old. Van Gogh still has both his ears.

Hey, Mr. Cotty, you know what?

I ain't never been to a library before.

Man, that was really stupid. Everybody's going, shh.

They're afraid of waking up the books.

Did you take out a book, Vinny?

No, but I'm going to take out the librarian Saturday night.

Vinny, you better get her back on time. It's three cents a day if she's late.

I could afford that.

Carter, here's another one.

Third complaint this morning about that nude.

Epstein's not going to get away with it.

Relax, Mr. Woodman.

Juan's in Lazarus's office right now.

Lazarus is going to decide.

What's all this, more filth?

Mr. Woodman, I don't know if what Juan painted belongs on a schoolyard or not,

but I had the guys get you these books to show you that it wasn't filth.

Look. Look here. Look at this painting by Botticelli.

It won't work, Carter.

There's a big difference between this nude and Epstein's.

What? Well, this one doesn't have born to boogie tattooed on a thigh.

What? What?

What did Lazarus say?

Well, Jack said that I could keep it up until Miss Holtzgang grades it.

And then if it passes, well, I can keep it up all week.

What about morality and public decency?

We've got to keep the human body out of our schools.

Let's start with yours.

Mr. Woodman, the human body is a beautiful thing.

Carter, if God wanted us to be naked,

Why would there be leisure suits?

Hey, how you doing? How you doing?

How are you? Thanks a lot. Glad you like it there.

Listen, Juan, you won your first battle. Now it's up to the art teacher to

decide. Yeah.

You know, Mr. Carter, up until now, everybody's just thought of me as just

another pretty punk, you know?

But that painting over there, that proves that they're wrong, huh?

Right. Proves you're a pretty punk that can paint.

Thanks.

Juan, you know? Yeah? I can't put my finger on it, but there's something

that painting.

Do you know where I can find Juan Epstein?

Look, officer, I was nowhere near the place. I got an alibi.

No, no,

I'm a reporter from Eye to Eye News.

Are you the artist?

Yeah.

Then you must be one of his teachers?

Yes, I'm Mr.

Cotter, K -O -T -T -E -R, and we're all very proud of Juan.

As his teacher, Mr. Cotter, what do you think of the painting?

What do I think of the painting? Oh, I think the painting's great.

I think it shows a lot of depth for a high school student.

Just to me, there's something about that face that looks awful familiar, you

know? I know I've seen it somewhere before.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure you have.

That's Mrs. Carter.

That's why, that's why it looks familiar. He painted a nude of my wife.

You put a nude picture of Julia in a school yard? Are you crazy?

Come here, Juan.

Come here, I want to talk to you a second.

Come here, Juan.

Come over here.

We do this all the time. Come here.

Epstein.

You just kid around like this all the time. Come here, Juan!

How could Juan

do that?

Put your face on someone else's nude body?

I don't know. In a way, honey, I'm kind of flattered.

Flattered? Julie, it's ridiculous.

Your face on Dolores Delvecchio's body.

I know it's Dolores Delvecchio's body.

Well, I got one to admit it after I tackled him.

I kind of knew it all along. I mean, that it wasn't your body. I mean,

can really fill out a wall.

And I can't?

Oh, Julie, my honey, my sweetie, my poopsie.

Julie, the difference between you and Dolores is about 18 bricks.

Well, if it's just my face, what are you so worried about?

Julie, you think I want to go to school and have to look at your face every day?

What I mean is, you know, look at your face on somebody else's...

You know what I mean. What are you looking at me for?

Yes, this is the nude's husband.

No, I don't have any pocket -sized pictures of my wife.

Julie, this is getting serious.

You know, there was a TV news guy down today. They want to do something on the

news tomorrow.

But, honey, you were so proud of Juan. You said he was finally expressing

himself in a socially positive way.

Yeah, well, let him be social and positive with somebody else's wife.

This thing has got to stop.

It's really gone too far.

Hello, Mrs. Epstein, can I speak to Juan?

Buenos noches.

Mrs.

Epstein, you can speak English. It's not the police.

It's Mr. Carter.

Juan, buenos noches to you.

Juan, listen, can you meet me in the schoolyard right now?

Yeah.

What do you mean you don't go out in the dark?

I'll see you there, okay?

All right, bye -bye.

I'll just go talk to him.

It's really getting to bother me, honey.

Oh, baby?

What? Keep your clothes on until I get back.

Maybe a little more there.

Maybe one more touch there.

My nude wife is not going to be on the 11 o 'clock news.

Who would do this to Juan's painting?

Mr.

Kyle, the guys and I, we talked it over, and I decided that I ain't going to

change the painting. That's right. Yeah, so you can just turn around like a good

little buckaroo and skip on home with your spray can of paint.

Spray can? What?

I didn't do anything.

Come on.

I know you're bummed on me on account I used Mrs. Carter's face, but she's the

only girl I know that don't have zits.

Guys, look, you gotta believe me. I didn't do anything.

Then who did?

Someone who didn't like your painting.

Someone who's really destructive.

Somebody who's really twisted.

Somebody who's really short.

What difference does it make?

It's the first thing I ever do in my life. It just goes to pot.

Look, Juan, if it's really important to you, we can't let Woodman get away with

this. Yeah, yeah, Juan. You know, like, we could all stay here with you all

night and we can help.

In fact, Arnold could be the drop cloth.

You know what, Juan? It could be really interesting if I get to paint the pot

that I want.

Well, look, I'm the one who, uh, Who painted it.

So I'm going to be the one who fixes it.

All right, that's fine. Yeah.

Right, come on, guys. Let's leave the artist to his work. Come on. Good luck,

boys. See you later. Be cool, my man.

Hello. This is your eye -to -eye news reporter, Jerry Cronkite.

No relation.

In a few moments, the school art teacher will tell us if Epstein's Madonna is

obscenity. Or art?

It's neither.

Can you tell us, Mr. Epstein, does your painting have any message?

Well, yes, but I'm not old enough to know what it is.

Come on, come on, this is my interview. You just ask me the questions here.

Exactly what painters influenced you?

Well, Rembrandt for the eyes, Picasso for the mouth,

and the body, Earl Scheib.

Miss Holstang's ready to grade the painting.

Just one more question, Miss Epstein.

Conceptually thinking, what does your naked body eating grapes represent?

A naked body eating grapes?

Juan, I am ready to give you your grade now.

Oh, this is it. This is the moment we've been waiting for.

The fate of the Epstein Madonna is about to be decided.

There's no bikini.

Where's my bikini, Carter?

Relax, Mr. Woodman. We'll give you a bikini when you go to the beach.

All right, okay. Now, before I give Juan his grade, I would like to say that I

think he has a great eye for color, space, and proportions.

portion. Get to the point. Is it obscene or isn't it?

No, it is not.

Some very small minds might think this is just a naked lady, but we artists

feel that the human body is the greatest artistic image that can be painted.

And therefore, I'm going to give one

plus for Nova Katie.

Now you're going to have all kind of weirdos around here.

Will you stop it, Mr. Woodman? We're not going to have any weirdos around here.

Repent! The world is coming to an end!

You see?

It's started already.

That's no weirdo, Mr. Woodman. That's one of my uncles.

This is Jerry Cronkite saying, Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night and good luck. Good night, Dolores. Hi. Hello.

Am I off?

You guys are all way off.

Well, how do we do, huh? Well, Juan, look, you got something to be proud of.

Your painting's going to stay up all week. Well, thanks a lot. I really

appreciate your support and all, Mr. Carter, but I hope I didn't mess things

with Mrs. Carter, you know?

Putting her face on Dolores Delvecchio's nude body.

Wait a minute. Huh?

That's Dolores Stovecchio, my Dolores Stovecchio?

Oh, yeah, Vinnie. I mean, so you didn't recognize the... Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey,

come on, Vinnie. Even I knew it was Dolores. I mean...

Dolores Del Vecchio.

Okay, okay.

Voila! Here it is.

Well, honey, I don't think it looks anything like me.

Well, on second thought... You're right. Doesn't look anything like you. Come

on.

Julie? Oh.

Do you ever tell me about my Uncle Willie?

Um, Gabe, what does your Uncle Willie have to do with my portrait?

You see, my Uncle Willie looked exactly like James Cagney.

Every time he went anywhere, people would say, Hey, aren't you James Cagney?

all his life he had to say, No, I'm not James Cagney, right?

Uh -huh. So one day this beautiful lady comes up to him. She says,

James Cagney.

And my Uncle Willie says, no, I am not James Cagney.

And she says, well, that's too bad. You know, I always wanted to make love to

James Cagney.

Yeah.

You know what my uncle said? No, what did he say?

You old dirty rat.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always good spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know.