Original subtitles

Listen to this one.

Okay.

My uncle Leonard bought an octopus.

Yeah. And my aunt Sophie, she said, why'd you buy an octopus? He says,

I'm going to make a million dollars. I'm going to teach the octopus to pay the

bagpipes.

So he locks the octopus in a room with the bagpipes.

And he checks an hour later to see if the octopus is playing the bagpipes.

Comes back out of the room. My aunt Sophie says, well, was the octopus

the bagpipes?

He said no, he was making love to it.

Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

What do you say, Judy?

Will you sign our petition here?

Petition?

What are you guys trying to do? Get one of the sweat hogs a stay of execution?

Nah. It's been two or three semesters since there was any sweat hogs on death

row.

Oh.

Excuse me, I've got to go to class.

Sure.

Right after you sign a petition to can Mr.

Woodman and get Mr. Carter's vice president, we're going to sign it.

But I like Mr. Woodman.

You like Mr.

Woodman?

Nobody likes Mr.

Woodman. Liking Mr.

Woodman is like liking Gook.

how many names you got so far?

Well, that depends.

How many times am I allowed to sign?

Morning!

Ah,

that must be the famous Carter for Vice Principal petition.

Oh?

You've heard about it?

Heard about it? The entire school knows about it.

The nurse's office is filled with students Epstein persuaded to sign.

That's my little Margie.

Some of them just needed, you know, a little incentive.

Yeah, I saw the nurse putting an ice pack on somebody's incentive.

Yeah, Mr. Cattier, Mr. Woodman's contract is up.

Yeah, in a school board, they might not renovate the contract.

I saw the same thing.

I have certain reason to believe that a certain job was discussed with a certain

Mr. Cartier.

Yeah, and you are that certain Mr.

Cartier.

How do you guys know all this?

Well, yesterday, Principal Lazarus wrote out a memo and then he showed it to

Epstein.

Principal Lazarus showed it to Epstein?

or less.

It was sitting in the bottom of his desk drawer and, you know, old Jack Lazarus,

he stepped out for a moment.

He obviously wanted me to see it.

Obviously. All right, guys, come on, sit down.

Listen, I want to thank you for thinking of me, but I'm happy doing what I'm

doing and that's what I told Lazarus.

Okay, now can we turn to page 24?

I wanted you people... Hi, hello, everybody.

Uncle Woody here.

Yeah. Mind if I pop in for a sec?

Oh, look!

It's Poppin' Fresh.

The Buchanan Doughboy.

How exhilarating to be the brunt of your jokes.

Can this be the same Mr. Woodman who has dedicated his life to the overthrow of

laughter and happiness?

Another delightful bit of ridicule at my expense.

You know, boys, it's time we got closer.

What do you say I take you to the Jets game on Sunday?

The Jets are playing in Oakland.

So, it's just a five -day bus ride?

Yeah, it'd be terrific. for five days on a bus. Bring along an extra set of

kidneys.

He ain't bussing me no way.

All right, boys.

How about dropping this silly petition?

No way.

Mr. Carter's gonna make a great vice principal. Yeah.

What does Carter have that I haven't got?

one suit.

Yeah, he doesn't crawl behind a rock twice a year to shed his skin.

Mr. Woodman, I know what's wrong with you, Carter.

Ruthless ambition.

Your sister has been asleep for two hours already, Robin. You cannot stay up

see who Johnny Carson's guest host is.

No, you can't. I'm sorry.

Hello, Lefty. Hiya, honey.

Who's this?

Hello, Robin Bobbin. How you doing?

Hello, how you feel today? You feel okay?

Oh, Julie, look, you made a school newspaper.

I did?

Yeah, right under Teachers are Human 2.

Everyone wishes Mrs. Cotter a speedy recovery after breaking her arm trying

act like a teenager on a skateboard.

Teenager? You know, I read today that three orthopedic surgeons said that

skateboarding's good.

Yes, for their business.

Julie, you gotta watch out for those things. You know, my school insurance

covers pregnancies.

Right? You mean if I carry this thing around for nine months, they'll pay for

it?

I need to go through natural cast off.

Rob and Bob intend to go to sleep. Let's go. Come on.

Night.

Hey, Julie.

What?

Julie, guess what happened in school today?

What? Guess what happened in school today?

What?

What are you yelling about?

The kids found out about my meeting with Lazarus and they signed a petition to

get me to replace Woodman.

Really?

Crazy kid.

What's a...

Last week that I thought you'd make a great vice principal.

You really think so?

Sure.

All you have to know how to do is say, I'm going to call your mother in five

different languages.

There's more to it than that.

You've got to know how to say, I'm not going to call your mother, so get your

hands off my neck.

Anyway, what would Woodman do if I took his job?

But, you know, at least it would give him more free time to train his

You know, I think I sort of, uh... I'm used to Woodman.

He's comfortable.

Sort of like an old shoe.

Well, I can understand it, honey, but just think about what all the extra

would do. I mean, we could pay off some of these bills.

Why are you always worried about these bills?

Honey, I pay these bills the same month they come in.

Different year, but same month.

Oh, well, I didn't marry you for your money anyway.

Julie, we're going to be all right as far as money goes. Okay. As long as the

twins pay their rent on time.

You know what bothers me, though? What? The kids.

I mean, I'm always telling them, improve yourself.

Mr. Carter, big teacher, improve yourself. Now, when I get my own

do it, I don't take advantage of it.

Well, honey, what are you going to do?

I know what I'm going to do. What?

I'm going to sign your cash.

Now, there's a solution, okay?

Here. I'm going to write something.

Really sexy.

Okay.

But you gotta take me out to dinner first.

Uh, Connor, I'd like a word with you before class.

Okay. It's about your plans to oppose me for vice principal.

Mr. Woodman, that's not exactly true. I've been trying to... Connor, do you

think it's easy to be vice principal?

I don't care. Let me tell you what's involved in this job.

You think I'm happy doing this, Colin?

I have to do this.

Three hours every day.

Five days every week.

Fifty weeks every year.

Women, it doesn't matter. And besides that, Colin, I have to go to every

basketball game, every football game, to prove to the school that I care.

Have to have spirit, kind of.

I even have my own pom -poms.

Cock -a -locka, cock -a -locka.

It's great,

Mr. Woodman. Can you do the splits, too?

Listen, I don't want your job.

Mr. Woodman, listen to me. I don't want your job.

why did you make me crawl, Carter?

I didn't make you crawl.

Yes, you did. You embarrassed me for nothing.

Mr. Woodman, I've been trying to tell you for two days that I don't want the

job.

Well, let me tell you something, Carter.

You wouldn't last two days on this job.

That's not exactly fair, Mr. Woodman.

I think that I would make a good vice principal.

I'm just, uh, I'm happy being a teacher.

Come on, Carter, face it. You're scared to be vice principal. It takes real

courage to ride herd over 2 ,000 rampaging ruffians.

All right, come on.

I'm in here.

You don't have to sneak around here. There's no secrets.

Mr. Woodman, riding herd is not the only way to be vice principal.

In fact, I think there's a much better way.

Well, Mr. Carter, if you really believe that, why won't you go after the job?

Yeah, because he hasn't got the guts.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to go down to the school board and I'm going to

them I wish they would consider me for the job of vice principal.

Okay,

Connor.

Maybe you have the guts, but you haven't got the power.

get myself into this the kids pulling me one way woodman pushing me another way

i'm not a man i'm a pull toy look honey i know you can do it

the sweat hogs know you can do it woodman's challenging you to do it the

one standing in your way is you what about the twins they think i can do it

go ask them

But I'm sure that they feel the same way that I do. Whatever you want is okay

with us.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go fix you a nice cup of hot cocoa.

Vice Principal Cotter.

Woodman's wrong. Powell won't corrupt me.

Vice Principal Cotter.

Principal Cotter.

Amateur.

It was never good.

Get down.

Will you please stop this

groveling? You'll get runs in your orthopedic stockings.

When you gonna let me graduate?

My dear Washington, it's quite out of the question. We need you for the

basketball team.

I know.

Don't you think it's time you took a shower?

banish laughter when I exile woodmen?

You banish laughter? Then, uh, why'd you hire me?

Simple.

You're not funny.

Horshack. Yes, sir?

I have something very important to discuss with you.

Ah, congratulations, my son.

No, certainly I'm not your son.

Isn't this the Fairchild wedding?

Let me see that.

Isn't that the Fairchild wedding? You're in the wrong dream. That's the fourth

dream to the left. Come on, get out.

Sorry. This is the first dream I've ever really been in.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, something important.

Horshack, my spies tell me there's a plot afloat to kill me.

we tell you, you're getting to be a real drag.

Yes, and I'm going to be the new vice -principal. Never, never, never.

You shall never be vice -principal.

As long as I am the king.

Well, we'll put a fix to that.

to be so good -looking.

Oh, yes, look who it is. My charming daughters, Robin and Rachel, and my

the fossil.

And tell me, who told you you could buy a new dress?

Had to have something to wear to your execution, Sonny.

So,

Everybody's a part of it. All of you.

Now, now, now.

Don't look at it as a beheading.

I want you to look at it as a crash diet.

Please.

He survived.

I would love time for this guy.

You may have my job.

Excuse me, would you mind speeding up the execution?

This is the room for the Fairchild wedding.

I was almost cock -a -lock -a to death.

It's okay. It's all over, honey.

Oh, Julie, I don't want to be king.

Oh, and I was just going to have your throne reupholstered.

That's what I was trying to tell myself in the dream.

I don't want to be vice principal.

You know, it all makes sense.

Except for that Chinese minister.

Mr.

Washington. Mr.

Washington.

I don't want to be vice principal.

What? What?

Woodman hijacked the babies, huh?

Look, this is how I figure it.

Leaving a job that you really love for one that pays more money isn't

necessarily a promotion.

I knew it.

Nobody ever gets promoted out of this class.

Benny, I think I, uh, I better stick around and make sure you guys do.

You know,

nice you not wanting to leave us.

There you are, Carter.

Read it and weep. You and your gang didn't move fast enough. The board never

your petition.

I've been renewed for two years.

Congratulations, Mr. Woodman. They must have figured you're the best man for the

job. Well, you know, Woodman's thing is vice principal.

We aren't going to have to change our graffiti.

Mr. Jan.

from the school board gave me the news himself.

Oh, Mr. Jan, come in, please.

Mr. Jan, this is Mr. Carter, unsuccessful candidate for my job.

Oh, Mr. Jan, nice to meet... You look, uh, very familiar.

So do you, Mr. Carter.

Perhaps we met at the Fairchild wedding.

Okay, now there's two doors.

One door has a sign above it that says, men that were hempecked by their wives.

The other door has a sign above it that says, men that were boss.

Now there's a long line of guys waiting to get into the door that says, men that

were hempecked by their wives. But there's only one guy waiting to get into

door that says, men that were boss.

One guy.

One guy.

So St. Peter comes up to him and says, I wonder how come you're the only guy

waiting in this line?

And he says, I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd need you?

Who would have thought they'd need you? Back here where we need you. Back here

where we need you.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.