Original subtitles

Honey, ever tell you about my uncle Bart?

Bart Cotter?

Yes, Bart Cotter, the famous prospector. Okay. One time he was prospecting for

gold with his friend Jesus, and his friend Jesus gets bitten by a

right on the foot. The foot?

Yes. So he says, Bart.

You got to help me. I got bitten by a rattlesnake right on my foot. Go get a

doctor. Quick, do something.

What did Bart do?

Bart rides into town to get a doctor. The doctor said, I can't go now. I got

deliver a baby this afternoon.

I'll tell you what you do, though. You got to cut open the wound, and you got

suck out all the poison.

Otherwise, your friend is going to die.

My, my.

So Uncle Bart rides back there, and Jesus is there, and he says, Hey, Bart,

you see the doctor? What are we going to do about the rattlesnake bite on my

foot? What did the doctor say?

The board says, doctor said you're gonna die.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Ready? Freddy is ready also. Okay. Okay, here we go.

Sha -da -da -da.

Dig, dig, dig. Hold it, hold it. This is the part where I'm supposed to sing

dig, dig, dig all by myself. No, it ain't, because you ain't been doing the

digs right. You dig?

It doesn't sound like much to me.

What are you talking about? What do you think this is all about?

It's not the digs. It just lays there. It's got to set in the groove. Be half.

Hubba, hubba.

Floy, floy.

Floy, floy.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, this is for the city semi -final talent competition.

Not for the over -30 crowd.

Well,

you guys better be good. The competition's in three hours. Well,

Mr. Woodman.

We'll grab them by the floy floys.

Ready is ready. Here we go.

Shout it out out. Dig, dig. Gabe, come on. We don't want to be late.

Honey?

Rachel went to sleep an hour ago, but Robin doesn't like the babysitter.

She says Esther's weird.

Esther's right in the other room. She's going to hear you.

Did you explain to Robin that Esther took care of you when you were a baby?

I know. That's what I told her.

But she says that's what's making her nervous.

Come on, honey. Give Robin back to Esther. We don't want to be late for the

talent contest.

Come on, Robin Bobbin.

Time to go to sleep.

Come on, let's go.

You know, I... I still cannot believe the Sweathogs made it to the semifinal.

Julie, how could they miss? It was so great in a bathing suit competition.

Besides, it's not the Sweathogs. Oh, how could I forget? Three do's and a don't.

Where did they ever come up with that name?

Vinnie's idea.

I think it was the answers he got from his girlfriends on Friday night.

Get it?

I got it.

Good. I'm going to give Esther some last -minute instructions. Be right back.

Honey. You have given her all the instructions she needs. You have told

make sure the door is double locked, to pull down the curtains, and you've made

her memorize the numbers of the fire department, the police, and the FBI.

Okay, but what if, just what if, a helicopter lands on a roof and a

armed Vulcans come over and take siege of this apartment, huh? What if that

happens? It could happen. You know, Vulcans are all over the place. I know

are. Let's go.

I don't care about you. I don't care about you. Watch out for the Vulcans,

Esther.

What are the guys going on?

They're going after this guy.

Who's he?

Says here, number seven, Eugene Blowfish Bigelow.

He's a novelty act from Erasmus High School.

What's he doing? He's just standing there.

Oh, he's not. He's holding his breath.

Yeah.

He's been doing it for 70 seconds.

He's going from white to red to blue.

You can find work as an inner tube

Featuring

Vinnie Bob Reno

like these snappy outfits.

They're 10 % polyester, 20 % glitter,

and 70 % rented.

All right, get your act together. This is the first chance Buchanan's had at

city championship since 54, when Crazy Delaney played three musical

Yes.

What's so difficult about that?

He never took them out.

gonna be the first person we brush off not me mr woodman when i buy my estate

you're gonna be my lawn

Thank you. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. You're beautiful,

beautiful people.

Beautiful.

How come they're just sitting there?

They're supposed to applaud after the act.

Okay,

Mr. Piano Type Man person.

G, G, G, G, G, G, G, G,

G, G, G, G, G, G, G.

Golly gee, no hope for me. When you start to turn those cheaters on.

Can't you see, no hope for me. I gotta put my neat old cheaters on.

Cheaters, cheaters, where'd you get those cheaters?

They'll never win, Connor.

It's going to be blowfish bigelow all the way.

Yeah.

Maybe the news will snap him out of his coma.

Our judges have selected the winner who will go on to represent the city at the

statewide finals.

And the winner is... Three do's and a don'ts.

I'll take care of it.

Now,

looky here.

I don't care what the first offer is. We say no.

Well, all I know is I want to change my name.

Elton Horsham.

Oh, God, I got a better one than that. How about Arnold Blood, Sweat, and

You know what I want? One of them snakes like Alice Cooper got.

and keep the snakes. I'll take his goopies.

Hey, guys, it's on to the state finals. I'm really happy you won.

I got to go home. I got a babysitter that charges by the diaper.

Did you really think we was good?

Hey, we won. Oh, look at this. The heartbreak starts already.

Hi, I'm Kathy.

I'm the winner from upstate.

Oh, I bet you're winning downstate, too.

against each other in the finals, but I just wanted to come backstage and wish

you guys luck anyway. Thank you.

Hey, listen,

you better kiss me real quick because there's going to be a big line forming

back here.

Kiss you? We're barely at the handshaking stage.

Whoa!

Oh, Vincent.

A handshake instead of a kiss.

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

in between my petals.

Really? I am not interested in your petals.

As a matter of fact, I don't even want to shake your hand anymore.

Hey, guys, she likes to get right into the heavy stuff.

Heavy stuff? Man, I have never met anyone like you in my entire life.

Oh, well, thank you. People tell me that all the time.

And I never want to. Hey, pretty my man, I know you ain't never heard of one

like that before, did you, right?

Hey, you guys, come here.

Why don't you take your friend here and...

Put him in front of a mirror and watch him wear out his petal.

I cannot believe what I have just witnessed.

A little bee who has tasted of Vincent Barbarino's honey and dead.

That was nothing. You don't got to tell us it was nothing.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

You know, Vinnie, you just seem to treat girls like they're things, you know,

like they're just objects that are automatically going to fall down and

your feet.

You've been talking to Dolores.

Forget her. She's got no class.

She's got no class, and who are you, the Duke of Windsor?

Oh, I can see you like the gentleman type, the kind that'll kiss your hands

hello and give you flowers, right?

You had something in your eye. I had to get it.

Yeah, your finger.

That is not how a gentleman acts.

You're telling me that I do not know how a gentleman acts? Yes, that's exactly

what I'm telling you.

Well, then, why don't you just show me how a gentleman acts? All right, I will.

Come here.

Come over here and sit down.

Maybe you can teach me something. Yeah.

and congratulating me.

Well, Vinnie, you were so good, I had to.

Do you know something, Cassie? You are very pretty.

There's something so warm and feminine about you.

Oh, thank you. My mama, she always told me to be feminine.

Well, if she could see you now, she'd be very proud of her lovely daughter.

Oh, Vincent, let's stop. this craziness.

Vinnie, why don't you just stop the phone and ask me out for a date?

Ask you out?

Yeah.

You want to go out with a guy like me?

Well, you're such a gentleman and I am such a lady.

What do you say, Cassie? Want to see Brooklyn?

I could be your guide.

Well...

been out with anyone like me before.

Yeah, me either.

Listen, listen, wait. I forgot my purse.

Here's your change, Mr. Gabe.

Teach. Thanks, Professor.

I had a wonderful evening, honey.

Thanks. You mean it's over? You're not gonna...

Invite me back to your place?

Only if you promise not to wake my babies.

Babies?

You have babies?

You probably have a husband, too, huh?

Honey, what's with you and, uh, Melody Mishkin?

Who's Melody Mishkin? And after what you did to that poor girl.

1962. Graffiti doesn't lie.

Julie, you cannot believe everything you read on the top of the table.

Come on.

I don't know. See ya. See ya later.

This is Cassie. Hi, Cassie.

So, you been having fun with Vinnie? Oh, yeah, we had a lot of fun. I took her

to all the hip places in Brooklyn.

Yeah, we went to the Fulton Fish Market, and he took me to the barber shop where

Clams Cassini got bumped off.

I let her sit in the chair and everything.

You know, and Clams went into that barber shop and said, take a little bit

the top.

It's been great, huh?

We've been rehearsing a lot.

Good. We've got some stiff competition.

You know, there's a guy from Syracuse that pulls hats out of a rabbit.

We better go. We've got to be in by 11. My father is very strict.

You living with your father now?

Joe. See you around.

Nice meeting you, Cassidy.

How do you know what it is?

Those Cotters are nice people, you know. Yeah.

They always ask me for advice and stuff.

Vinnie, why'd you tell him you've been rehearsing? You've been with me all

weekend. Well, listen, sweetheart, the reason I did that was because, you see,

he don't understand when someone digs someone else. You dig?

I mean, he's married.

I'd ask you what's on your mind. but since you haven't got one, what's on

stomach's mind?

Embarrassing me in front of this lady here.

Just give me the usual.

Oh, separate checks?

What will you have?

I think I'll have a banana split, please.

All right, make two banana splits with the pistachio and the lemon ice cream

the strawberry.

you're out with a baboon he knows I only got chocolate and vanilla

I think it's time that we went beyond that stage.

Ooh.

Well, I don't know if I can do that. You see, I'm a gentleman and you're a lady.

And this is a public place.

Why don't you just pretend that you're Vinnie Barbarino and give me a great big

wet one right between the petals.

You knuckleheads, all of you. Can't you see I'm entertaining a lovely young

lady? Oh, yeah?

Where, on the roof or behind the billboard?

This ain't like that ever since. You better watch it. We don't care what it's

like. I don't care what it's like, all right?

Only thing I know is that since you met that chick, you ain't been to rehearsals

once, man.

The finals date is Friday, and we want to win. It's important to us.

Well, I want to win, too.

Yeah, well, to be brutally frank, Vincent, you sure don't act like it.

yeah, and you can bet that your girlfriend over there, she wants to win

than anything in the world.

Well, that's right.

Well, that's right. I guess she probably does want to win, huh?

Better believe it.

I forgot.

I forgot, guys. I forgot that she was even in the contest. No, no, no, no. You

forgot that she was in the contest. Yeah.

I can't do it, guys.

You can't do what, Vincent?

I can't be in a contest.

What?

How can I compete against Cassie?

Oh, man.

Oh, wow.

Wait, come on, Epps. Can you understand these men -women love story things?

Uh -huh, uh -huh. I'll catch you later, man.

Oh, come on, horse, Jack.

Come on, buddy.

Denny, I got caught in the middle once too often.

You make your own decision, her or us.

Has true love finally come to Vinnie Barbarino?

Will the three do's and a don't become the three do's and a no -show?

Has this face taken the place of these faces?

Why does this girl keep turning Vinnie's head?

Why does this man's food keep turning everyone's stomach?

Is this the girl who comes between the sweat hogs and Vinnie?

For the answers to this two -part question, see part two of Welcome Back,

Cotter.

a question for these two, but I thought they were so cute you'd like to see

them.

Rachel, did I ever tell you the story about the father who's about to put his

son to sleep?

Listen to this, Rachel. It's good.

His son says, Daddy, is it true that the stork brings us babies?

And the father says, yes. He says, Daddy, is it true that Santa Claus

Christmas presents?

And he says, yes. And he says, Daddy, is it true that the Lord gives us our

daily bread? And the father says, yes.

So then the son says, Daddy, what do we need you for?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

We always could find a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made you come back again?

Then what good ever...