Original subtitles

What are you reading, honey?

Oh, this is a terrific book on reincarnation. Oh.

Hey, ever tell you about my Aunt Brenda who really believed in reincarnation?

No. Go ahead.

Well, my Uncle Sidney died about ten years ago, so she went to a seance,

to raise up his spirit, and she said, Sidney?

Sidney, can you hear me? Sidney?

He said, yeah, I hear you.

She said, Sidney, how are you?

A lot better off than when I was with you.

Sidney, what are you doing?

He says, my life is terrific.

I wake up in the morning, have breakfast and make love.

Have lunch and make love.

Have dinner and I make love.

He says, are you in heaven?

He said, no, I'm a bull in Montana.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Hello, everybody.

I have an announcement to make.

Me and Wendy are going steady.

Congratulations.

I just pinned her.

Best three out of five.

What a lovely couple. Wendy's really happy, ain't she? Oh, I'm really happy.

am. Yeah, but did you pick up that lottery ticket?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Got it right here. Got it right here. Everybody cough

up their quarter now. On the way, on the way. Here's my money, little Juan. All

right. Best investment you ever made. Oh, Juan's right.

Yeah, yeah.

This week we're really going to hit the old jackpot. Oh, he's right.

He's right. Okay, okay, okay. You're right.

But you said that last week. Hey, but Juan was right last week. That's right.

was right last week. The people down at the lottery was wrong.

Morning.

I can't believe it. You guys are still throwing your money away in the lottery.

Mr. Carter, I can feel it. Look, this time we've won the million dollar

Let me tell you guys a little story.

When I was a young lad, I asked my uncle Manny, the accountant, I said, Manny, I

want to have a lot of money. He said, Gabe, you want a million dollars,

only one way.

Embezzle it.

Yeah.

You get it? He was an accountant.

You see, our money, we ain't throwing it away.

See, what we...

What we're doing is we're buying a piece of the dream.

We're buying a one -way ticket to the good life. You hear me? To the good

I'm talking about fame and fortune. What am I talking about?

You're talking about wealth. I'm talking about wealth.

That's good enough.

Okay, now, need I remind you people that this is a classroom, not a casino.

Oh, no wonder why we ain't won nothing.

Okay,

now, homework. I would like your homework, which covered the Industrial

Revolution. Please pass it to my right, which is your left, which is this way.

Look at me.

This way.

Did anyone visit Vinnie today at the hospital?

Who wants to visit a dying man?

He is not dying. He has just had his tonsils removed.

I got to stop by and see Vinnie myself today. I got to tell him Woodman's going

to let him take that makeup test.

If you're going to go by the hospital, could you give this to Vinnie from all

us to all of him?

Oh, you got a little something that's really nice to your people?

What is it?

It's a... You know, it's a get -well card.

This girl looks very healthy to me.

Hey, Mr. Carter, could you put up Vinnie's quarter for this week's

You want a quarter for me?

Yeah. Are you people crazy?

I am the father of twins.

I do not have any extra quarters.

I'm saving them all for the tooth fairy.

He's going to visit my house 64 times.

Now, come on, Mr. Carter.

You know, Vinnie, he's going to give it back to you.

All right, look, if I give you people a quarter, can we get on with the lesson?

We are here to learn Mr.

Carter.

Okay,

here you go.

I got it!

Here you go. Well, thank you, Vinnie, my man. I knew you was good for the bread.

All right, we will continue with today's lesson.

More. Interruption.

Sorry to interrupt, Carter. I just came by to pick up your monthly progress

report. Where is it? It's on the desk.

Mr. Woodman, that's not it.

Carter, I thought you taught social studies, not anatomy.

That's not it, Mr. Woodman. That's, uh, get well card for Vinnie.

Oh, I see. Well, uh, if you don't mind, I'll just take this back to my office

and add a few sentiments of my own.

It's shameful, Cottage.

It's just shameful.

Does Teddy like to choo -choo?

Does he?

That's good.

Does Teddy like to take a ride on the choo -choo?

No?

Teddy don't want to take a ride on the choo -choo?

Well, then maybe the choo -choo should take a ride on Teddy's face.

Vinnie, did they remove your tonsils or your brain?

Hey, welcome to the nursery.

Vinnie, listen.

I got great news for you. Mr. Woodman has decided to let you take the makeup

test. I got some homework I want you to do. The test is going to be a week from

Wednesday. Oh, I can't make it a week from Wednesday.

I got a date.

Listen, you've been driving me crazy for two weeks. Take a makeup test. You want

to get into the 11th grade.

Oh, come on. They don't take babies in 11th grade. I got a baby disease.

Benny, listen. A lot of adults have their tonsils removed.

Oh, yeah? Well, how come last night the nurse had to come in and burp me?

If I knew you, Sally, you'd probably try to burp her first.

Well, even so, yeah.

Barberino, now look.

Don't yell at me, all right? I just had a major operation.

Vinnie, get back in bed.

Carry me.

Vinnie! All right, Vinnie.

All right, listen.

I want you to do all this stuff here. Start over here, and you go all the way

the end. By the way, owe me a quarter.

Oh, now I gotta start paying you to come visit me?

No, I put in your quarter for this week's lottery.

Oh, forget the lottery. Forget it. I've been trying that lottery for two years

now. I never won a dime.

You don't want it?

Nah. You keep it.

Vinnie winning. Guess what?

That's the burping maniac.

Time for eaty -poo.

Oh, that's goody. Because you know what I had today? I had a poster eggy, and I

had a toasty, and I had jammy. Well.

For Din Din, you're having soupy and chicky and cauliflower.

Cauliflower?

Can I ask you a second?

Look, I know you're probably a highly trained professional, but why are you

treating him like a baby? Why don't you treat him like a man?

Oh, I tried that last night.

It took two orderlies to pull him off me.

Mrs. Carter with the baby, you're going to have to learn about burping.

Hey, come on. You don't got to tell me about burping. I mean, I can burp. You

know, right on cue. You want to hear me?

No,

thanks. Go ahead, Wendy. Continue.

Okay.

Look. Place the baby on your shoulder and pat it gently on the back. That's

easy. Okay?

I'm talking about babies. Give me that baby. Let me show you how to burp this

baby. Come on, Matt. That's my baby.

I'll play with my baby. He's my baby.

He's my baby. He's my baby. He's my baby.

He's my baby.

He's my baby.

He's my baby.

He's my baby. He's my baby. He's my baby. He's my baby.

He's my baby. He's my baby.

He's my baby.

He's my baby. He's my baby.

He's my baby.

Mr. Woodman, we were just practicing in case Mrs. Cartier needs some extra help.

Well, I think Julie's quite capable of handling Cotter on her own.

You get it? Handling Cotter, burping Cotter, changing Cotter's diapers.

You people have no sense of humor.

They're practicing in case your wife needs help changing you.

No more diaper rash, Carter. Funny stuff, huh?

How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Lewis?

You're a cold person, Carter.

A very cold person.

Look, Epstein's got a nice stall.

Washington, maybe I'll buy you a nice little tea set.

That's my job, Connor.

Education, Mr. Wimbley.

Let us not forget Vincent.

Yeah, well, you see, when I went to the hospital, Vinny...

Congratulations.

Come on, let's go over to the hospital, huh? This is really going to cheer me

up.

You want me to give the girls, James?

Mine's dry.

Mine's not.

Gabe.

How come I always get the wet one?

Oh, she's just showing off for Daddy.

We've got to break her of this habit before she starts dating.

Honey, what are you going to do about Vinnie's lottery ticket?

Well, I told you. Technically, legally, morally, the money's mine.

Well, what are you going to do?

Give it all to Vinnie.

Are you sure that's the right thing?

Julie, you're not suggesting... Honey... I don't believe it. She's wet again.

I'm simply suggesting that if you hand the money over to Vinnie, you're just

going to be rewarding him for breaking an agreement. That's all.

You're all wet.

over Vinnie's homework.

Well, where is it?

I was supposed to tell you that I got held up by the homework mugger.

Was I supposed to believe it?

Oh, Mr. Cotter, you should have seen Vinnie's face when we told him about

winning the lottery ticket. He was so excited, he dropped his nurse.

clock, Mr. Cotter stops being teacher and starts being daddy.

Oh, I see, Mrs. I understand.

Say not another word.

Daddy!

Then he was transformed just like a new man full

of plans for the future.

He's even thinking of starting the Vincent Barbarino home for the incurably

sexy?

I don't believe it. Didn't Vinnie say anything to you about, uh... About

anything? We talked about a lot of things, but we didn't talk about

Hey, I gotta go. They're having a big sale over at Corvette.

On flight irregulars.

come as a shock to you, Mr. Carter, but I am slightly irregular.

Well, what are you going to do?

You know, I don't believe Vinnie. I mean, at least he could have waited

gave him the money before he started to spend it.

Honey, you know, that money is rightfully yours.

We could use it. Oh, come on. and we just waste it on luxuries.

Yeah, like food.

And clothes for the babies.

Hey, I have an idea about that. Why don't we just buy one set of clothes and

Xerox it?

I tell you what, I'll go see Vinnie. Okay, it's a good idea.

In this day and age, you can still get such a bargain.

What do you mean?

For 25 cents, look at all the aggravation I bought.

Now, listen, doll.

If you do that hand as well as you did this hand, I might buy you that ring I

promised you.

Good afternoon.

Gabriel, my boy.

How nice of you to drop by.

Care for a bonbon?

Nurse, could you leave us alone for a while? I think this might get messy.

All right.

I'll be back for the mud pack at five, BRB.

BRB?

Yeah. I'm going to buy me a middle initial.

It's real classy like.

You know, Vinnie, I think it's really nice that you're spending my money like

was yours.

Your money?

Yeah, don't you remember? I bought your share of the lottery this week. Oh, I

got that quarter for you right here. That's something I'll... How do twins?

they housebroken yet or what?

Vinnie, we're talking about something a lot more important than money.

What?

Your word.

Oh, my word ain't worth nothing. It ain't worth a dime. Ask anybody.

Vinnie! Come on, Mr. Conner. I've been in this two years already. I mean, you

just start now. I got a bigger investment than you.

I hate it. It itches.

Go on. It's your money.

That's what I wanted to hear you say.

Okay, man.

I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll split everything right down the middle. 50

-50. What do you say?

Who gets the 50?

We both do. Partner.

Oh, partner's like... Oh, that's good.

Hey, we're going to talk about...

I got something for you. You're going to love it.

You're going to love it.

Look at that.

Check it out.

What's this?

That's my homework.

This is your homework?

I was sick.

two magical minutes, the lowly poor will become the haughty rich.

Don't become so haughty yet, Arnold. We haven't won.

Come on in, Epstein. Hey, Juan.

Sit down.

Epstein, what's that satchel for?

It's for the money.

What am I going to do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?

Hey, Juan, they're going to give us a check.

Oh, no, I don't take checks. Checks bounce.

Well, this one's gonna be from New York State.

Especially those.

Well, uh, I finally decided what I'm gonna do with my fortune.

Oh, yeah? What?

Well, you see, I'm real tired of seeing my poor mama breaking her back year

after year, putting all that old dirty laundry on that old clothesline.

Oh, that's nice. Are you going to buy her, like, a washer -dryer? No, I was

going to buy her a new clothesline.

How about yourself?

Me? I'm happy. I don't need anything. I got a job I really love.

Beautiful wife.

Two terrific new babies.

I'm happy.

Well, it should be just about time, huh? Yeah.

Just drop it right in here and remember.

Never made it. Was always a small -time crook.

In fact, one time he was walking down the streets in New York City, you know,

with his girlfriend, and he saw a diamond bracelet in the window, and his

girlfriend said, Listen, this is funny.

His girlfriend said, Eddie, could you get me that bracelet?

So he takes a brick, throws it through the window, and grabs the bracelet.

Keep walking. She sees a big fur coat in the window.

She says, Eddie, could you get me that fur coat?

He takes a brick, throws it through the window, gets her the fur coat.

Then they're walking through the most expensive store

on Fifth Avenue, right? And she sees a beautiful dress.

And she says, Eddie, could you get me that dress?

And he looks at her and says, what do you think, I'm made out of bricks?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to the spot of friends.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think I must.