Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle, Socrates Cotter?

No, but I have a feeling you will. Yes, in fact, I'm going to do it right now.

My uncle, Socrates Cotter, came from his neighborhood in Chicago, where it was a

fashion to name all their kids after famous Greeks.

In fact, his best friend's name was Euripides Feldman.

Euripides Feldman.

That was the guy's name, and they were bosom buddies. They went everywhere

together, but you know, they grew up, they separated, and they hadn't seen

other for about 20 years.

Now, my uncle Socrates opened up this tailor store in Chicago, and one day,

guy walks in, he's got a pair of pants with him, and he looks exactly like

Euripides Feldman who hasn't seen for 20 years.

And my uncle throws up his hands.

He says, Euripides!

And the guy hands him the pair of pants and says, yeah, Euripides!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Yeah, we teased him a lot, cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Well, it's a little thing they call abscess.

One of your teeth is abscessed? No, three.

It's an epidemic.

They must be giving it to each other.

Honey, what are you going to do?

Well, I have three choices.

I can have root canal done for $1 ,200.

I can have them all pulled for $50.

I can go down to Mr.

Schmieler's super, tell him his wife looks like an old potato and have them

knocked out for free.

about money?

Ask me what I'm doing with these envelopes. You became pen pals with

No, I get five dollars for every thousand I stuff.

What are you stuffing in there?

These are samples of polyester leisure suits.

You might not believe this, but you can wash that 100 times and it will look

exactly like this.

Amazing. That's because it looks like it's been washed a hundred times.

Right.

Why don't you just call one of those finance companies?

Are you kidding? The kind that advertises on television with those

from people? Yeah.

I need it alone.

A friend recommended Bondage Finance.

It was so simple, I couldn't believe it.

I just picked up the phone and dialed the words, pay up.

Gabe, why don't you just... call and see if you are qualified.

Go ahead.

I don't believe I'm doing this. You want me to call? Alright, I'll call. I never

did anything like this before in my life.

Hello? Yeah, just a second.

It worked. I'll pay up. There's a guy on the phone.

Yes, I'd like to find out about getting a $1 ,200 loan for my teeth.

He's transferring me to the guy in charge of teeth.

Yes, I'd like to find out about... I need $1 ,200.

I'm a teacher.

Ask him if you qualify. Go ahead.

I will as soon as he stops laughing, all right?

Yes.

My assets? Well, I'm a fun guy, and... I got a good sense of humor,

and I'm easy to dance to.

Listen, if I borrow $1 ,200, how much would I have to pay every month?

$110 a month for a year, and what?

Firstborn son?

All right, well, we'll let you know. Bye -bye.

Well, now what?

Well, I just don't think that's too hot a place. I mean, what kind of company

has a slogan, we'll give you a piece of the rock through your window?

Barbarino. Boy, that sounds familiar.

I know it like I know my own name, you know?

Excuse me, Mr. Carter.

How come you are talking without moving your mouth?

I am really a ventriloquist, and my dummy just phoned in sick.

Oh, George.

Mr. Carter.

You okay?

I just had a problem with my teeth.

Oh, yeah?

What's the other guy look like?

I wasn't in a fight, Epstein.

I had to get my teeth fixed. Otherwise, I would have to learn to like Jell -O.

Now all I have to do is come up with the money to pay for it.

Come on, Mr. Carter. There's lots of ways to make extra money.

Hey, I understand that the Marines are looking for a few good men.

Please don't anybody tell them where I am.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

You lay a little of your bread on me, and I'll invest it for you in my phony

note business.

It's my big season coming up, midterms.

And if I could offer a note with your signature... Gonzo, we go true to

I can see it. We can go national.

MC's note business.

When you care enough to forge the very best.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like it. I like it. I like it. Sit down, Epstein.

Okay, I got a better idea, right?

You hold the raffle for all the girls, right?

And the winner gets to go out on a date with me.

What does the loser get, two dates?

Mr. Carter, there is nothing in the whole wide world...

that I wouldn't do for you.

If you like, I will even sell my body to medical services.

Thank you, Aunt, but that's not necessary.

Well, then how about if I sell some of the parts I don't use?

Yeah, like your head.

All right, see you tomorrow.

Catch you later.

Bye -bye.

Be brave.

Little buckaroo.

Help wanted. Car wash employee.

Must enjoy standing in water.

Wanted. First rider.

Should not mind riding alone.

Sort of.

You're not thinking of moonlighting, are you, Carter?

Principal Lazarus Brown's on that.

The teacher's salary is quite sufficient for his needs.

Oh, sure, Mr. Woodman, unless the teacher wants to indulge in certain

like chewing.

Take those marbles out of your mouth, Carter.

I can't. Three of my marbles are having root canal.

Well, I'm lucky. I have no trouble with my teach, unless they fall out of the

glass where I keep them at night.

Mr. Woodman, I don't understand. You don't make much more than I do. How do

make ends meet?

My ends have never met, Carter.

That's why I look the way I do.

Look at me, Carter.

This is what you're going to look like in 30 years.

Please, Mr. Woolman, I'm in enough pain today.

I just don't know what to do. By the time I get my check, I barely have

for necessities. I mean, forget about things like fun.

Fun, Carter?

I'll tell you about fun.

There's more to life than fun.

There's hard work.

sacrifice, and revenge.

A very sick man.

Wall -headed man wanted for TV commercial.

Must enjoy getting head shined with steel wool.

No weirdos, please.

Mr. Carter, we was talking about it and we'd really like to help you.

Yeah, we don't like seeing you in pain.

Unless, of course, we cause it.

Anyway, we pooled all our money together and all our savings.

We got $5 .72.

Yep.

And... Chicken.

Ain't much, but it's a start, man.

Hey, thanks a lot, guys.

But I don't think I'm going to need it.

Listen to this.

Opening for a telly man with sense of humor, experience...

in public relations.

What do you think?

Don't give up your day job.

That's the case.

Stay mellow, fellow. Talk to you later.

Hey, you forgot your flyers and your chiclet.

with a restaurant firm.

Now, I only need to have it for a couple of more weeks. This is just stuff I

need for the job.

It's not bad enough you're having an affair, but you're flaunting it.

I mean, I know that I'm from Nebraska, and maybe, maybe I am a little square.

But a suitcase?

What is she, some sort of stranger?

What do you need the suitcase for, Dean?

Well, you want to know what's in it?

Batteries and an electric wetsuit.

Well, where did you meet her, General Electric Freakout?

Julie, I was only kidding.

I bet I know. It's that strange hygiene teacher from school.

You know, I know something about her that you don't know.

She goes on consciousness -raising weekends to the Catskills, where all

for three nights and two days is play golf in their underwear.

I'm not having an affair.

I've got to go to work.

See you later.

Gabe, what's in the suitcase?

All right, I was trying to spare you this, but you want to know what's in the

suitcase here?

Tell me I didn't see what I just saw.

You satisfied?

Honey, I would rather you were having an affair.

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the grand opening of Mr.

Chicken No. 17.

And yes, now is the time you have all been waiting for.

As advertised, and as is the practice of every Mr.

Chicken's grand opening, we have a visit from that merry clucker himself, that

deep, fat -fried sucker with the pluck -pluck pucker just for you. Here he is,

Captain Chicken!

and we'll make the opening speech and we'll personally wait on you at your

tables.

Listen, can we wait a little bit because there's not many people here. I'd like,

you know, more people. Hey, look, I don't care how many people are here. You

out and do that speech or you'll be looking at a fat beak.

Come on, make with the cluck -cluck.

Why don't you go out there and cluck yourself?

Get out there, turkey.

Katie!

gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the opening of Mr. Chicken number 70.

Captain Chicken's here to personally greet all of you. And remember, we have

game surprises, like the person who can guess how many wishbones are in this

little fishbowl here can win a free dinner.

This

is ridiculous,

not even paying attention to me. Hey, look, fella, what do you do? I mean, for

living.

I'm a teacher.

Beautiful. They sent me another teacher.

You know, you guys are all alike. I bet you think you're too good to dress up

like a chicken and go out there and cluck for people, don't you?

Of course I do.

Well, let me tell you something, teacher.

I never went to no college.

I worked six years in this business before I got to wear a suit without

feathers.

I was around during the tough years.

I've worked turkey joints during a cranberry scam.

I've worked under the name of Dickie Drumstick in those days.

Now, get on out there.

Look, at the other openings, there was more people. Kids, kids like this. You

know, can we wait till we get some kids there? I mean, look at those two people.

I'm laying an egg.

That might be a nice touch.

Go on.

Here, here, some more people.

This place must have good... Because I saw Carter

in here earlier today. Yeah, yeah

time job and uh this is what i could get and this is what i have to wear how do

you get home do you take a subway or fly hey we can't afford to buy

anything so if you don't mind we'll just lick your fingers all right come on cut

it out enough's enough excuse me mr carter i hope i'm not getting too

but are you regular barbecued or extra crunchy

Get your giblets in and up, bro.

Let's leave my giblets out of this.

Sit down.

You guys want something?

Yeah, yeah. I have a couple of wings.

Give me the regular dinner.

I'll have a leg and a thigh.

What about you, Arnold?

What?

It is? Oh, yeah, it is. It's my birthday. It's Arnold's birthday? We all

in. Oh, yeah. Hey, 86, that last order.

Okay, we're going to buy Arnold the Glutton's Gorge.

Yeah, all right.

You sure you want the Glutton's Gorge?

Mm -hmm.

One Glutton's Gorge.

Now you're cooking with gas, teacher.

450, Captain Chicken.

Can't be.

If it sounds like it, I'm going to come.

Yes.

Hi.

What are you doing here? And in that costume?

Well, my dog suit was in the cleaners.

What was that number you guessed?

450. Do I get a free dinner?

No, I'm sorry. You're a few bones shy.

Oh, look at this.

I see the other barnyard creatures are here.

place opens in the neighborhood and they're already in here lowering the

property values.

What can I get for you, Mr. Woodman?

A dinner platter to go.

One dinner platter to go.

Mr. Woodman, I'm a little surprised. What are you doing eating a cheap

joint like this?

Carter, I know every cheap restaurant in this neighborhood.

With the diner down the corner, they give me a special on a 39 -cent

if I sit in the wobbly stool.

Maybe you sit on the floor. They wouldn't charge you anything.

Here you go, Mr. Woodman.

Look at you.

Dressed like a chicken.

Watch out for the roosters on your way home.

The roosters!

All right, here you go. Do your stuff.

I know these guys. Can we skip it just for now? I don't know if you know these

guys. The company policy at openings is whoever orders the Glutton's Gorge gets

the full treatment from Captain Chicken.

Now do it. I know it's Captain Bars. I want to see the feathers fly.

You're not a nice guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention?

Somebody has ordered the Glutton's Gorge. He gets the special treatment

Captain...

I have ever seen.

Thank you.

All right, guys, look, in this place, you got to pay before you serve. Oh,

Hey, Mr.

Carter, you know, you've been a good sport.

Yeah, he's all right, man. He was only goofing on you, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Carter. Wait a minute.

Mr. Carter, why'd you take this job?

Well, there's two things that I enjoy in life.

Teaching sweat hogs and chewing.

So...

I could get another job doing the day, but this was the only job I could get at

night.

So I came down here and I caught a few ranks from you guys.

Look, there are people in this world that are worse off than I am.

Oh, I know.

There's a man down the block in the hot dog stand who's dressed like a weenie.

Because I don't like the looks of these guys. They look like delinquents to me.

Get them out of here.

Hey, wait a second. These guys just happen to be my students, all right? And

they're also my friends.

That's right, sir.

And this man here in this ridiculous chicken outfit is not really a chicken.

Yeah, thank you, ma 'am. No chicken could last a day with us.

That's right. It's 100 % man instead of stupid tooth.

So up your gizzard with a rubber lizard.

Let me tell you something, Carter. You don't have much of a future in the

chicken business.

You know something? I think you're right.

I mean, there's some guys who can do it and some guys who can't. You don't even

deserve to wear that beak.

All right, well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to turn my beak

in. I'll go home and I'll stuff envelopes with my wife.

Doesn't pay as much, but at least I don't have to dress up.

I'll return the rest of this outfit to the main office.

Come on, guys, let's get out of here.

Yo, uh, Mr. Cartier, um, we didn't eat our glutton's gold. Yeah, look at all

that chicken.

We say we get some Chinese food. Come on. Yeah Honey

what

do you know you slept with your mouth open last night?

No, but if you hum a few bars... You're a funny lady.

But don't sleep with your mouth open, because you know what happened to my

Sophie? No, what?

Well, one night she was sleeping with her mouth open, and a mouse runs in her

mouth. You're kidding.

My Uncle Earl, he got so excited, he called the doctor. He said, Doctor, Mr.

.D., you gotta help me.

A mouse ran in my wife's mouth.

Doctor said, we gotta wave a piece of cheese in front of her mouth. Get the

mouse out, wave a piece of cheese, and I'll be right over.

Smart. He was smart, the doctor. Yes, smart. So he takes a car, and he runs

there, and he gets there fast, and he knocks on the door, and he walks in, and

my Uncle Earl is waving a fish in front of my Aunt Sophie's mouth.

Why was he doing that?

That's what the doctor said. Why are you doing that? I said, a piece of cheese.

My Uncle Earl says, I know, but I got to get the cat out.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Well, we need you.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to spot a friend.