Original subtitles

Uncle Herman. Hi, it's Gabe. Listen, I'm glad I caught you.

I got a problem. Julie's going to be home in five minutes and I don't have a

joke to tell her.

Have you done anything funny lately?

Have you heard anything funny lately?

You heard about a guy who crossed a beaver and an elephant?

He doesn't know what he got, but you should see the size of the dams it

Anything else? Come on.

What?

You were so paranoid once, if you went to a football game and the players got

into a huddle, you would think they were talking about you.

Come on, Uncle Herman, give me the A material.

Oh, you knew a guy that was so mean, he used to train homing pigeons and then

move.

Come on, Uncle Herman, she's going to be right home. Give me a good one. A joke,

a limerick, a...

knock, knock, anything, a riddle. Come on, Herman. I'm desperate.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old...

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Look, all I know is that the Silver Gloves boxing match is on Friday, right?

Yeah. And Covelli is fighting for New York, right? Man, I've been waiting all

year. To get my hands on that confetti. I want them. I want them. I want them.

Mellow out one. Mellow out.

And listen.

I know that you want them. Yeah. Well, you all want them, right? Yeah.

But we've got to do it the democratic way, okay?

All right. All right.

One potato.

Two potato.

Three potato.

Four.

Five potato. Hey, what happened to my potato?

You forgot my potato.

I'm a sweetheart, too, you know. Don't I get a chance?

A chance to what, die?

Cabelli's a gorilla.

Yeah, well, I could be a gorilla. Come on, it's a matter of integrity.

You see, the guy who fights Cabelli, you know, he's got to be strong and he's

got to be clever. Yeah. I'm strong.

You're strong, right? You get your little sister to carry your books to

You call that strong?

No, I call that clever.

Cool, because we've got more important decisions to make right now, right?

we've got to make decisions a little often. Yeah, let's make decisions. Hey,

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

No one's saying you're not one of the boys. I mean, you are.

But Friday at 3 .30, whoever faces off against Covelli has got to be a man.

I'm a man. Only by technicality.

A very small technicality.

but I am not the slightest bit upset by all this.

Anna,

why are you so upset?

Because my dignity has been attacked.

My core has been shaken. I have been totally humiliated.

Oh, I thought it was something serious.

I'm only kidding, Arnold. Okay, okay. What's the problem?

Mr. Carter, this is no little thing.

I am a sweat hog. I got my rights.

As much right as any other sweat hog to get into the ring with Carvelli on

Friday.

You want to fight Carvelli?

Arnold, when did you first notice this need to do away with yourself?

Arnold, look, you're not a fighter. I mean, you've got other good points.

You're smart.

You're charming.

You're fun to be around.

You forgot my lilting laugh.

Fun to be around?

Look, if the guys don't want you to fight Carvelli, it's just because

looking after you.

Hey, hey, here comes Carvelli. Here comes Carvelli.

Yeah, yeah, that little chump Murray.

Well, well, well, if it ain't the sweatpokes.

Well, if it ain't the sweatpokes.

Jumping rope, Carvelli?

What's the matter? You tear your dress when you was playing hopscotch?

That's funny.

Just so happens I'm in training.

Toilet training?

Toilet training!

I love that one.

I didn't hear that, Epstein.

He asked if you was in toilet training, Chief.

Which one of you guys is going to be the lucky corpse, huh? You?

Well, it better not be me, Covelli, because I'm half Puerto Rican, half

So what?

So, how would you like to get bar mitzvahed with a hubcap?

You can't talk to my man like that.

Your man?

Well, you better stick close to your man, Murray, because after Friday, you

won't be sponging him down.

You'll be wheeling him around. Yeah!

sound exactly like the guy that I fought last year.

He's in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Under pain.

You don't scare us, Covelli. Any one of my boys here could make you feel like

you've just been through a blender.

Yeah. How would you like it if we frappé'd your face?

I didn't hear that, Horshack.

He asked if you liked your face, Covelli.

I heard it.

Hey, cough. Reveille, I sure hope you ain't allergic to canvas because that's

what you're going to be spending Friday.

I want you.

You do this right. You do it like this.

Beam, my name's Barbarino.

I say the bop, bop, bop.

Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

It's enough of this top 40 stuff.

looking at. The guy challenged me and I accepted.

What do you want me to do? Run away?

Hide out in some foreign country?

Okay, we narrowed it down to two foreign countries.

Afghanistan and Newark.

Newark, huh?

I'd rather fight Covelli.

Yeah, and end up in an emergency ward.

Look, I gave my word.

Arnold, you can always take back your word.

You can't take back your teeth.

I don't care.

How would you like to get hit in the stomach so many times that it packs up

looks for a new body?

I don't care.

That's the way it's going to be, the sound of that bell.

All right, you guys stay here for a minute. The rest of you read chapter 14

tomorrow. We always read chapter 14.

And read chapter 7 twice.

All right, I don't understand how you let Arnold get himself involved in this.

We tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen to us. One minute he was

Arnold Horschak, the next minute, the Great White Hope.

Mr. Carter, I got it all figured out.

I'm going to have the kid come down with that bubonic plague.

Hey, don't you guys ever listen to me?

I am fighting Carvelli.

Stop it, Arnold. I'm not fighting anybody.

You hear that? I don't want to hear any more about this boxing and this stupid

silver gloves competition.

Oh, Carter, about this silver gloves boxing match, we'll get back on Friday.

We're going to need a real powerhouse in there against Carvelli.

Would you settle for a power failure?

Now, listen, we've had these boxing matches for the past 20 years, and you

how many times Buchanan has won?

None. That's not true, Mr. Whitman. Bonzo Moretti won once.

Eating your opponent doesn't count.

Every vice principal has some sort of trophy. I want that trophy.

But don't worry about it, Mr. Whitman. One of us already volunteered to box.

You have?

Farberino, I'm proud of you. Go in there and win that trophy.

But it ain't me.

Epstein, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too, Mr. Woodman.

But I ain't gonna fight him.

Watch it.

Strike three, Mr. Woodman.

Who is it?

Horshack wants to be the one to fight Carvella.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm serious, Mr. Woodman.

Horshack?

Horshack.

Horshack?

I don't... You're a warped person.

You're doing this just to deprive me of my trophy.

You were warped then.

You're warped now.

This has gone far enough.

I'm calling it off.

Call it off?

Mr. Carter, you can't call it off.

Listen, all my life, people have been trying to push me aside.

Arnold, go to your room.

Arnold, go outside and play.

Arnold, we'll meet you after school.

Mr. Carter, I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I understand, Arnold, but there are other ways to prove you're a man besides

fighting a big starker like Carvelli.

Mr. Carter, sometimes a man has to stand up for himself even though he knows

he's going to land flat on his back.

Haven't you ever felt like that?

Yeah, once.

It was this girl.

You wanted to fight a girl.

No, there was this girl I really liked.

Her name was Leilani Shapiro.

Went out together a few times.

One day, this guy comes up to me, big, heavyweight, jock type.

He told me that he was Leilani's boyfriend, and if I would continue to

he was going to rearrange my face.

I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, what he said, and I knew he was

going to do what he said.

So I called up Leilani, and I told her I couldn't see her anymore.

And how did that make you feel?

How'd that make me feel?

I felt like... Arnold, if you really

think that you have to do this, I'm behind you.

How you doing, Freddy?

How you doing, Mr. Cocktail?

Now, you know it should be one of us fighting Covelli.

I mean, they're betting Horshack gonna live through the weigh -in.

This is not a street fight. This is a sport.

It's a ring, a referee, and padded gloves.

He's gonna get killed.

Not in a ring.

But, Freddy, if he tries to prove himself in some alley, he might.

Hey, Mr. Cocktail.

Who was that guy with the mustache and the crummy jokes?

Said something about fighting gets you nowhere.

That was me.

Right. And I still believe it.

But this is a special case.

Hey, congratulations, Otto.

You took ten minutes off yesterday's mile.

I know.

The last eight blocks, I took a cab.

Carvelli's in two days. You've got to build up your endurance.

Yeah, Mr. Cotty. You work on his endurance, and I'll go light a candle.

See you later, Freddy. Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Have a good time.

All right, Arnold.

Let's start out with some calisthenics. Okay.

Now, I want to build you up. When you meet Carvelli, be in good shape. All

right, now, first thing we're going to do is push -ups. Push -ups, yeah. We're

going to do the hard cons. You've got to clap in the middle, okay?

Okay. Now, watch me. Get down.

Do your push -up.

Clap in the middle. Okay.

What I want to work on now is something that's really important.

Psyching out your opponent.

Now, all good fighters do this, okay?

Now, I want you to pretend I'm Carvelli, all right? Now, the ref is introducing

us in the ring.

Now, I want you to give me a cold, angry stare. Put it right through me, okay?

People are going to say you're the silliest fighter they've ever seen.

Until now.

Mr. Woodburn, what are you doing here?

Not Woodburn, Connor. The one upon me kid.

I want to give Horschak here a few quarters.

What do you know about boxing? Are you kidding, Connor? Why, in my day, I

shredded the likes of Butch Crawford, Bobo Arsini, Mimi Finkelstein.

Mimi Finkelstein.

A killer, Connor.

Let's pretend this is the ring, okay? Okay, yeah. All right.

Now, I want you to make sure of one thing.

When you lead, you always lead with your left. Lead with your left.

Your other left.

Now, protect your body with your right.

What do you want to do? Try to get the kid killed? Of course, you have to keep

your left close to your body.

Now, put your right out, way out.

That's it.

That's directed, Mr. Woodman, if he was a lawn ornament.

Stop it, Arnold.

These are the basic stance I want you to have, right? Okay.

This is how you look. This way you won't get hurt too bad. Okay.

On your toes all the time. I think Carvelli can slip in a right cross.

Come on, Mr. Woman. If Arnold is like this, how is Carvelli going to slip in a

right cross? Like this.

May I have your attention, please?

Before we begin today's ballot, I would like to introduce one of the past Silver

Glove contenders from Buchanan High who went on to fame sitting at ringside from

1955,

Dino Crazy Delaney.

And

now

in this corner,

Wearing purple trunks, weighing 165 pounds and foaming at the mouth.

From the Utrecht High, Killer Carbelly.

And in this corner, wearing baggy trunks and a look of

absolute terror at 127 pounds.

I say, dear Covelli, please excuse Arnold for this fight.

He's allergic to traction.

This is the moment of truth for Arnold Horschak.

Try not to kill him.

As far as we're concerned, you're the gold medal kid with the heavyweight

Yeah, yeah.

You made us proud of these red hogs. Oh, Freddie, I didn't win.

Arnold, you won as soon as you got into that ring.

After that, it was just a question of who got the trophy.

And we all know who that is.

Oh, you did terrific. Everybody's proud of you. Oh, did I ever tell you about my

uncle who was a fighter?

Slapsy Maxie Cotter. No, I don't think so.

Oh, he was great. He used to eat a pound of pickled herring before every fight.

Did that make him a better fighter?

No, but he knocked out his opponents with his breath.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.