Original subtitles

Hi, honey, I brought your lunch.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Did I ever tell you about my uncle who thought he was a horse?

Sounds like your family.

My uncle thought he was a horse, so my aunt went to see a doctor. She had to

him some help. She said, doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse. He sleeps

standing up, he eats oats, he neighs, he whinnies.

Doctor said, well, I'll have to see him. Bring him in Thursday at 3.

She said, Thursday at 3? I can't. He's running into 4th at Pimlico.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

You still got that stomachache?

What stomachache? Just making myself Alka -Seltzer egg cream.

Mr. Carter, how many times do we gotta tell you you do not eat in the school

cafeteria when they serve fish croquettes?

A man never learns, does he? Oh, I know, Vincent. I don't believe you. It's like

conversing with a stone warrior.

Mr. Carter, does our tummy feel funny?

No, Mr. Tusak, my tummy is not funny.

My ribs are ticklish.

This is the third time this week we've brought Fizz Fizz in our thermos.

Do you have a stomach ache?

No, there's nothing wrong with me.

I just happen to like Fizz Fizz.

It's yum yum.

Well, you are in luck, Mr. Cotter. A doctor from the free clinic will be

visiting the school to give free physical exams to everybody.

Oh, I know. My wife has been working at the clinic.

She's one of their volunteers.

She brings me home these pamphlets to read.

No one likes a carrier.

You and your rash.

And trench mouth is nothing to smile at.

So true.

But about the program, it's designed to provide free physical examinations for

the underprivileged. And nobody is more underprivileged than your sweat hogs.

I hope I can count on your cooperation.

Well, I'll read it to them first thing. Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Miss Matusak.

Yes?

I have this friend.

Oh, really?

No, no, no. My friend has a pain.

Oh, where is this pain, Mr. Cotter?

Well, it's in a very weird area, right in between his chest and his stomach.

the reason I say weird is because I didn't know a person had anything right

in between his chest and stomach. Oh, there are a great many usable things in

that area.

But I'm sure it's just indigestion. See your doctor.

Oh, that's not me.

It's my friend. I don't have anything usable in that area.

Maybe it's your diet.

Your body is a temple, you know.

Oh, I know. I know. There are lines around my body every Saturday.

In fact, on Yom Kippur, you need a ticket to get in.

That's a Jewish holiday. You need tickets to get in.

Yes, I know.

Mr. Cotter, you are what you eat.

Well, in that case, I could be Julie's famous tuna casserole.

Nobody would like me.

My wife makes bad tuna casserole. Nobody likes it. I see.

You know, someday you must try my chicken -faced soup.

The secret is, you leave in the beak.

You'll get used to it. I've had one for 40 years.

Where did you get this announcement from the free clinic?

Miss Matusak just gave it to me. She should never have given it to you. It's

mistake. The last thing this school needs is a lot of healthy sweat hogs.

Come on, Mr. Woodman. Oh, I mean it.

I live for flu season.

Tell your sweat hogs to make appointments with a veterinarian.

A veterinarian. I've got to tell that to Principal Lazarus.

He'll never get it.

When I tell him, I'll say animal doctor.

Don't you see the joke there, Carter? Animals, sweat hogs.

You're no fun anymore, Carter.

I was making my potion.

Your potion.

laugh at my veterinarian joke.

I'm not laughing at your Jekyll and Hyde bit.

My Jekyll and Hyde bit was funnier than your veterinarian. It was not funny. It

was much funnier. It was not funny.

Good morning.

Hello.

Quiet down.

Sit down.

Okay. First of all, homeroom announcements.

Quiet.

The Buchanan Biology Club reports the discovery of a new fungus.

The school cafeteria will be closed for lunch until further notice.

This is important.

The free clinic is offering free physical exams to all students.

A doctor will be coming to our school, so please sign up for your physical.

We're trying to teach him not to ooh -ooh unless it's important.

Oh!

This is important.

Mr. Carter, if it is all the same to you, I don't want to have anything to do

with that free clinic.

Why not, Arnold?

Because my friend Sheena Rosewater, she went to that free clinic a

perfectly healthy person.

later they told her she was pregnant?

Arnold, I can almost guarantee that that won't happen to you.

Oh, Mr.

Carter.

What's the matter with you guys?

Are you scared to go to a doctor?

Hey, I don't go to the doctor. I send people to the doctor.

Personally, I think this examination stuff is a very good idea.

So I volunteer to examine all the girls.

Vincenzo, you don't examine anybody. You got it wrong. They examine you.

Oh, that's okay.

Okay, girls, examine me.

Yo, Mr. Cartier.

I ain't letting no doctor go poking around me.

I once saw this dude's appendix taken out.

When did you work in a hospital, Freddy?

I wasn't in a hospital. It was on the corner of 94th and Lexington.

You want to know why?

Because wherever there's doctors, there's nurses.

Those white stockings with a seam in the back, they drive me crazy.

Until now.

Hello, Mrs.

Carter.

Checking up on the mister?

He's been with us all morning.

Haven't you?

Mr. Cotter, I love to go into your class. Look at these faces. How

underprivileged. Especially Arnold.

You're under -underprivileged.

Thank you.

Hi, honey.

Come on, Mr. Cotter. That's not fair. We're very impressionable children.

Not children.

Mrs. Cotter has the medical... forms for everybody to fill out. The doctor from

the clinic will be here this afternoon.

Oh, goody!

It may surprise you ladies to know this, but these big, bad, brave sweat hogs of

mine are afraid to see the doctor.

We never said that.

We never said that.

Okay, well, if you're so brave, who's going to be the first to sign up?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Arnold, here you go.

Oh. I would love to, Mrs. Carter, but taking a physical means undressing.

And no one ever sees my body.

Not even me.

Yeah, Mrs. Carter. Even after gym, he even showers in his gym clothes.

You might consider taking a shower in your gym clothes, too, Wanda.

I'm going to say this, all right? I'm ashamed of you people.

It's a simple little thing like a physical examination.

There's no pain involved here.

Even when they take blood, it's a small little thing. It doesn't even hurt.

Right, Julie?

How would you know?

How would I know what?

How would you know what it's like to take a physical? When was the last time

had one?

Recently. Recently.

How recently was it?

June, 1954.

Well, I think it's about time that you took another one.

What about that pain you've been complaining about?

Yeah, how about it, Mr. Carter? You want us to take a physical?

You take the first one.

Yes, right. Mr.

Carter's a scary cat.

Mr. Carter's a scary cat.

I don't want any more of this kindergarten behavior here.

I'm an adult. If I want to see a doctor, I'll see a doctor.

And no more of this childish name -calling either.

Besides, sticks and tones will break my bones, but names will never hurt.

Sign it. I'm not signing it. Sign it.

Boy, Freddie's been in there with that doctor a long time.

afraid, Mr.

Carter. Everything is going to be all right, you big palooka.

Hey, Freddy.

Carter's scared. Let's put him on.

Oh, okay.

Hey,

Freddy. Freddy, what's it like in there, Freddy, huh?

Oh, Barbarina. No, no, no, no. It's me, Juan, a little Puerto Rican. Oh, it's

terrible in there, man. It's terrible.

You see, it's dark in there.

Except for this one light blazing on this metal table.

What happens when they get you in there?

Two guys. You can't even see.

They grab you.

And then they strap you down.

And they turn on this machine.

Zap. Wingo.

Spots that fly everywhere. You've got to help me, horseshit.

Do they take blood with a needle?

No.

They got a shoebox full of giant leeches.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm not going in there.

Gabe, will you stop being such a big baby?

I resent that. I'm not a baby. I'm a coward. It's a big difference.

I'm not going to see a doctor.

Why not?

I don't feel good.

Come on, Mr. Carter, you wouldn't disappoint a bunch of underprivileged

would you?

Rather than go into that room with the leeches and the metal table, you bet

boots.

Carter, you're next.

Let's go.

No, I'm not going in there. I ain't going in there. I'm not going in

there. What is this?

Is this some new teaching method, Carter?

Help me, Mr. Woodman.

Well, I knew it was just a matter of time before they turned on you.

How do you feel, honey?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Okay, well, if you're perfectly all right, why wouldn't you go to the doctor

yesterday?

Because if I go to the doctor, I might find out that I'm sick.

I don't go to the doctor, I'm perfectly all right.

If I'm going to die, I want it to come as a complete surprise.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to the clinic. If you get hungry, there is something on the stove

for you.

I found a new recipe for chicken -faced soup.

The secret is you leave the beaks in.

Will you chicken faces stop staring at me?

Hey, Mr. Carter, the way you've been acting, you really might be sick. Now,

don't want some stranger to dare you?

There's nothing wrong with me.

Mr. Carter, you ain't got a heart.

Epstein, you put those things in your ears. Oh, yeah, okay, okay.

All right, now cough.

Come on, cough.

Cough. Cough.

How long have you had this cough?

Since you got here.

Do you know what you're doing?

Are you kidding?

I notice stuff like the back of my hand.

I never noticed that before.

Okay, horse head.

Dr. Freddy.

Carterus erectus.

Oh.

You take a real nice picture, Mr. Carter.

Okay, Mr.

Carter. You said the pain was between your chest and your stomach. You get

Uh -huh. What is that, Dr. Horshack? Between the chest.

The liver.

It is my belief that this man's problem has something to do with his spine bone,

which is connected to his hip bone.

Uh -huh. And Dr. Horschak, the hip bone is connected to the... Thigh bone.

And the thigh bone is connected to the...

I just have a thing about doctors. People have fears. They're called

I'm sure you guys have your own. My father has claustrophobia.

What's that?

Claustrophobia? It's a dread fear of Santa Claus.

All I know, Mr. Carter, is that I am not taking any physical until you do.

If I die, let it be on your head.

That's right. You really need a physical, Mr. Carter.

No, I don't.

I got a note.

Dear Mr.

Epstein, please excuse Gaby from taking his physical.

He is not sick. If he was, believe me, our mother would know.

Signed, Carter's mother.

You expect me to buy a cheap trick like that, huh?

Look, Mr. Carter, see a doctor. Something might really be wrong.

Yeah. I mean, what would happen to us if we lose you as a teacher?

Why don't we sit around all day and look at an empty chair?

Yeah, we might get a teacher who doesn't understand our unusual personalities.

Or we might get a cute little blonde substitute.

Hey, Vinnie, come on. The man might really be sick. I'm only kidding.

Oh, Mr. Codd, don't you know that we really care about what happens to you?

Yeah, look, we're here. We really do, man. Yeah.

Hey, Mr. Carter, if you need a kidney, I can get it for beans.

As a matter of fact, if you work for the city, state, or local government, I can

get your organs wholesale.

Get out!

Out! I can get it cheap. Out!

Mr. Carter, I feel bad about saying that about the blonde.

A cheap redhead would be just as good.

Get out!

Get today, go on tomorrow.

What do you mean by that, Arnold?

Carter, I don't know.

But I heard this guy say it once, and then the next day I went over to ask him

what it meant, and he was gone.

Get out!

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Hey, yo, Mr. Cartier. Hey, do me a favor.

Don't wait too long.

My uncle's expected.

Well, what happened to him?

Oh, he waited too long to go see the doctor.

He finally went.

Five minutes after he left the doctor's office,

It was dead.

Heart attack?

No, taxi cab.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Out. Out.

Out.

Out.

I'm glad to find a physical Mr. Cotter. We all have our little phobias. Why, the

very reason I'm a nurse is because I'm afraid to fly.

I wanted to be a stewardess.

I don't blame you. The uniforms are sexier.

Ah, yes.

The glamour, the excitement, the airsit bag.

Why, to be able to walk up to a perfect stranger and say, coffee, tea, or milk,

instead of just handing them a little bottle and saying, you know what to do.

Well, Toto, did you bring your thermos or fizzy stuff today? I've got a pain

right about in this area. Oh, how long have you had this pain, Mr. Woodman?

Since this morning, when Principal Lazarus hit me in the stomach with a

sophomore.

Hey. Hey, how you feeling, man? All right, all right. Tell us everything.

I'll tell you everything. Sit down. All right.

All right.

First of all, I went to my old pediatrician, Dr. Mel Melman.

Dr. Mel Melman?

No, no. His first name is Melvin.

Oh.

Melvin Melmelman.

No, right on the board. Melvin... Who cares?

I sat in his waiting room with 26 kids with runny noses. Eh, that's 52 little

drips.

Did you have a long wait?

No, it wasn't bad. I occupied my time. I colored for a while.

Connected the dots.

You know, there's a lot of interesting articles in that Jack and Jill magazine.

Oh, I knew that.

I read that one that time about the chicken who brought up the duck.

So what happened after you went in? Yeah.

Okay, now first thing, Dr.

Mel Melman stood me against the wall and he measured me. And he was very

impressed. I've grown three and a half feet since my last visit.

Then he gave me a lolly and he told me that I was a good boy.

Oh yeah, but what about the pain in your chest?

Well, Dr.

Mel Melman said that I should watch what I eat and I should avoid nervous

tension, anxiety.

Nervous? What are you nervous about? What are you talking about? What do you

to be nervous about? You've got a very relaxing job.

Connor, come over here by the window. I want you to say something.

What?

The flagpole.

Do you see it? Do you see what's waving from that flagpole?

Is it Old Glory?

No. Is it the school flag? No.

It's Miss Fishbeck.

Squib hogs. Personally responsible.

Mr. Woodman, how can you be so sure it was my kids? I heard them.

Cutter, who else in the school asks like this?

Nobody I know.

Well, maybe you didn't do it.

I don't know how she got up there, but I want Miss Fishbeck lowered, folded, and

put away.

You want to know why I could have nervous anxiety, huh?

Miss Fishbeck is connected to the flagpole.

Ah, Miss Fishbeck's connected to the flagpole. And the flagpole's connected

the schoolyard and the schoolyard's connected to the football.

It's the woman. You got to hear about my uncle, Kermit Cotter. No, I don't,

Cotter. Listen, listen.

Every day, he walks by this window, and he sees this woman hitting his boy over

the head with a loaf of bread.

This goes on for six months. Every day he walks by the window, she hits him

the head with a loaf of bread. And one day he walks by, and the woman is

the boy over the head with a chocolate cake, right?

He can't stand it. He knocks on the window. He said, how come every day a

of bread, and today you hit him over the head with a chocolate cake? And the

woman said, it's his birthday.

I heard it, Cotter.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. We got

him on the spot.