Original subtitles

Do you know that before I met you, my father didn't like any of the girls I

going out with?

Why not?

I don't know. I used to bring home all these girls, and some of them were very

nice girls, but my father didn't like them. He said, why don't you find me a

girl just like your mother? Then I'll be happy.

So I went out, and I found a girl just like my mother.

What happened?

Didn't work out. I mean, she was 58 years old.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot, but we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Hey,

Freddie, how you doing? Hey, yo, Vinnie.

You got it?

What? My English homework.

Epstein said you do it.

Oh, no, Freddie, man, it went smack out of my head. Last night, last night, I

was sitting down ready to do it, right?

The phone rings.

It's Kiki Kornberg.

I couldn't believe it.

She asked me to come over because she's afraid to watch Laverne and Shirley

alone.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Vinnie.

Because of you, I'm going to get an F in English.

Oh, Freddie, look, if it makes you feel any better, so am I.

Well, they don't.

Linguine brain.

Hey, who you calling linguine brain? Look, Freddy, I mean, you gotta be

stupid to think somebody like me could even do your homework.

Hey, hey, hey, come on. Now, come on. Now, watching a fight I ain't in, it

me nervous.

I'm serious.

ABC. Oh, sure. I don't know my ABC.

You guys are fighting about homework?

I think I'm in the wrong school.

Look, Mr. Carter, Freddy's mad at Vinny because Vinny didn't do Freddy's English

homework, like I told him.

Wait a second. You're mad at Vinny because Vinny didn't do his homework?

Nah.

Oh, and Vinny did do his homework?

No.

Well, that's stupid. I mean, why would I think that Vinny's going to do his

homework? Look, Mr. Carter, nobody cares whether Vinny does his homework.

Vinny didn't do Freddy's English homework, like I told him. Wait a

Vinny didn't do Freddy's English homework like Juan told him.

Did Juan do anybody's homework?

Did Freddy do anybody's homework?

Why would anybody do Vinny's homework?

All right, good morning. Now, I know I'm going to hate myself for saying this,

but will you all please take out your social studies homework?

Now, yesterday we were talking about the Renaissance and their prized

possessions, and I thought it would be a nice thing if you all wrote about or

brought in.

Your own prized possession.

Mr. Carter, I would like to go first, all right?

Now I know I'm in the wrong school.

All right.

Mama's prized possession is this, my little black book.

Now, all Little Renaissance kids had these little black books.

Now, you're probably asking yourselves, why is there a letter after each of

these girls' names?

No.

Now, this is Vinnie Barbarino rating system.

Now, PG, PG means pretty good.

And R, R means really good.

I know I shouldn't ask, Vinnie, but what does X mean?

Dolores Delvecchio.

Dolores Delvecchio.

Okay, Freddy, you, next.

My most prized possession.

I got it for you, baby. Homework. Uh -huh.

Right.

Oh, may I present my pet flea, Howard.

Oh.

Where'd you find him, Freddy, in Epstein's hair?

You know, Arnold, you're really developing quite a...

Sophisticated sense of humor.

I was wondering how much laughing you're going to do without a tongue.

You know, Freddy, somehow I get the feeling that you didn't do your

Me? Forget my homework?

Did you hear that?

Howard, did you hear that?

Where's Howard?

is here's my thingy.

Very impressive one.

Yeah, it's made out of two bricks. You know, the horse jacks have always been a

sea fairy, man.

It was Popeye horse jack who discovered comedy.

thing to say. Oh, Juan, I'm really sorry I sat on your TV.

Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, just take it easy, all right? Just take it, I

mean, I mean, the ship ain't a total wreck, you know?

I mean, you can still use one of these things to get somebody to take it.

All right, look, Juan, I don't say you're sorry. Oh, yeah, well, what do

know about homework, Freddy, huh?

What do you know about homework? You didn't even do your homework.

No, you just, you just tried that Howard the Flea bit. Come on, it didn't work

last semester in algebra. It ain't gonna work now.

Even Cotter ain't that stupid.

It ain't like being responsible for somebody getting an F in English.

Oh, now, Freddie's right, Vinnie.

You should not have let him down.

You didn't see me forgetting to do your social studies homework last week. Oh,

no.

Oh, shit. You just keep quiet, will you?

Vinnie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it. I'm sorry. Just switch out.

Teacher, Mr. Cotter, authority figure, you people have given me a headache with

all this arguing.

I'm going to go outside and take these aspirins, and when I come back, we're

going to continue with class.

There'll be no talking while I'm gone.

No talking.

Hey, horse shank.

Big news, Flash.

You're short.

You too, munchkin.

The whole room is short.

I bet.

I'm home.

Hey, Freddy. I had it about up to here with the... Hi there.

Hi there, bitch.

Yeah, Freddy.

You know, you are not...

from Brooklyn just like the rest of us. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you

something else, little Mr. Horshack. I'm sick and tired of that stupid laugh of

yours.

Yeah, yeah, you sound like a 57 Pontiac without a muffler.

Huh, Vinny?

What?

What?

Where?

Where?

That's some vocabulary, Vinny. You know what you are?

You're a walking question mark.

You making fun of me?

What?

Listen, I got something to tell you. Your sister won.

Your sister.

Oh, yeah?

Forget my sister. Your mother.

Oh, yeah?

The light around her head don't fool me.

Yeah, look, I've got a message for you, all right?

In your pants with a bag of ants.

Again? Again?

Well, in your pockets with red -hot rockets.

Oh, really?

Well, in all your pockets with red -hot rockets.

Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Are you

talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

You're not talking to me.

Up your nose as we rub a hoser.

All right, that's a

personal foul.

Sweathogs, 15 -yard penalty.

First down, Carter.

Then, when you're angry, the littlest thing can tee you off.

I also understand how yelling like schlemiels satisfies this need you have

let it out.

I also am a person. I have a need to let it out.

This is school!

Class!

No yelling!

No yelling!

Hey, Mr. Carter, you're right.

There should be no more yelling.

Besides...

even talking to these punks.

Yeah, well, I'll do better than that.

None of you is my friend no more. I second that punk's motion.

I third that punk's motion.

With a cherry on the top.

That's terrific.

You guys look like a delinquent Mount Rushmore.

Oh, come on.

Oh, no, shake hands with one. Come on, you're friends. This has gone far

Come on. Will you shake? Guys, come on.

Freddy, come on. Shake hands with Vinny. Start over. Come on. This is getting

out of hand here. Will you shake hands?

Vinny.

All right.

This is what you want. It's fine with me.

I'll just sit here for the rest of the period. I'll read my paper, okay?

We'll have this total period in complete silence.

Oh, Carter.

Now that's teaching, Connor.

Honey, would you eat?

Julie, what am I going to do? Kids won't talk to each other, and I can't teach

them anything.

Well, whatever you do, eat first.

I tried something new with the tuna casserole.

The hard things are coffee beans.

That's wonderful, Julie.

That's wonderful.

Mrs. Olsen ever comes over, she can have mine.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling that you wouldn't like my tuna casserole

no matter what I put in it.

A lot of people, Julie, are afraid to go down to the ocean because they've seen

Jaws.

I am afraid to go down to the ocean because I think I will get attacked by a

giant tuna casserole.

patch living with you, fella.

You think I like spending my entire life listening to your stupid jokes?

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Abdul?

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Sophie?

Shoot. You want to know why I tell jokes, Julie?

Because I needed do something to cheer myself up after one of your meals?

Mr. Carter, I got to talk to you about that fight we was all having. Not now.

I'm right in the middle of a fight.

Listen, it's important.

Like, I'm the leader of the sweat hogs, right?

Well, how am I supposed to get anybody to follow my orders if nobody even

to me?

Vinnie, when you have a fight over something stupid, What you have to do is

have to try and remember what the people you're fighting with really mean to

you.

You have to be a big enough person to say you're sorry.

I'm sorry, Julie.

Me too.

What are you guys apologizing for?

You ain't the ones who didn't do Freddy's homework.

Come on, Vinny.

Get that chair and come have some dessert with us. Come on, honey. Mr.

Cotter always thinks better with whipped cream on his mustache.

Come on, sit down a bit.

Thank you.

Get some plates.

Okay. Here we go.

Thank you. Let's see, what do we got? Oh, boy!

This is my favorite.

I'll enjoy this anyway.

Strawberry tart.

You like strawberry tarts, Vinny?

They're all right.

Look, Julie, you know, when the sweat -outs have a problem, you know how that

makes me... You got chocolate pudding?

We don't have any chocolate pudding, do we, Julie?

No, we don't have any. We don't have any chocolate pudding. They have a problem,

and they won't talk to each other. And if they won't talk to each other, I

teach them anything. And if I can't teach them anything, I just get cranky.

know, honey. How about spumon? You got spumon?

Do you have any ice cream?

No. We have tarts, Vinnie.

Tarts.

That's it.

Look, I...

I know that, honey, but when you keep making jokes about my tuna cap... How

about Danish?

You got, like, cherry Danes? Nice cherry Danes?

Vinnie, look, you want to have dessert, have a tart. If you don't want to have a

tart, don't have anything. That's all we have, okay? It's tarts.

Julie, when you say things about my jokes, you know how that makes me feel.

It wouldn't have to be cherry. It could be, like, you know, prune or cheese.

You want to know what the biggest joke in this house is?

What? Your tuna casserole. If you just wouldn't make tuna casserole anymore.

Gabe, you want to know what I think about your Uncle Abdul?

I

don't

believe you did that, June. Believe it.

I have something I'd like you to send back to Nebraska.

Special delivery.

I have a favor to ask of you. A request.

I don't take requests, Carter. What do I look like, Wolfman Jack?

What I am is what you get. Just a second.

This is a school -oriented request.

Is this one of your harebrained schemes, Carter?

Well, yeah, sort of. Look, what I'd like you to do is come into my class and

apologize to me and let me forgive you. It would really mean a lot.

But I have nothing to apologize for, Carter.

Mr. Woodman.

It's not who apologizes. It's the apology that's the important thing. So

come in, and I'll apologize to you, and you forgive me. How's that, okay?

Okay. That sounds pretty good. Okay.

Come right in, okay?

Okay.

All right. Good morning, everybody. Now, today... Now, uh... Cut it.

It's Mr. Woodman. What a surprise. Mr. Woodman. Oh, come on in, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, you know something?

I've been meaning to apologize to you for ten years now.

I'm the guy to put the catnip in your thermos.

You did that, Carter?

Yes, I did, and I apologize.

Did you forgive me?

I had to be rushed to an animal hospital.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman, but remember, forgiving is an important thing.

I was three hours in an animal hospital.

I mean, I didn't mind that vet rubbing my stomach, but I got awful tired of

playing with that stupid rubber mouse.

Mr. Woodman?

I apologize. Now, you accept my apology?

Why should I accept your apology?

Listen to yourself.

You apologize too easily, Carter.

Women!

Well, we were never what you would call close, anyway.

Mr. Carter, would you mind keeping it down?

There's people trying to be angry here.

Vinnie?

Are you the leader of the Swat Hogs?

Yeah.

They ain't my friends, but they still got to do what I say.

Okay, okay. Now let me see you lead.

We got a problem here, and it's not going to be solved until there's an

So go ahead, leader. Do your stuff.

That's right. There's got to be an apology here.

Of course, Shaq.

Apologize.

You know what?

I was going to do it anyways, Vinny.

Hey, Juan, I'm really and truly sorry for sitting on your dinghy.

Oh, and here, Juan, these are for you.

Enough toothpicks to make an even bigger dinghy.

See, I got the ones with the selfie on the top, the little curly things, real

pretty, classy.

Oh, Juan, to get these, I had to crash so many vomits.

Well, there they are anyway.

Look, look, look. Yesterday, yesterday I asked you people to bring in your most

prized possessions, right?

You guys have a possession that's more valuable than broken dinghies and

forgotten homework.

You've got your friendship.

You're really close.

And that's something you should fight to keep.

Not give up.

Juan, you do whatever you want.

But you're a sucker if you blow it.

Look, Mr. Carter, for a guy like me, it ain't that easy.

I can forgive, but I can't forget.

But that don't mean we ain't pals, Arnold.

Oh, Juan!

You little Juan!

You little horse shot.

Okay, now what about the rest of you?

I'm really sorry for not doing your homework, all right?

That's okay, Vinnie.

I probably would have been worse off if you didn't do it.

Hey, you know, I know this is an off -the -wall idea, but you people might

consider doing your own homework.

Oh, Freddy, I'm so sorry for the things I said. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean

to. I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to.

sweat odds, first to ten, Connor!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were yours.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Back here where we need ya.

We tease him a lot.

welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome back