Original subtitles

Julie. What?

My aunt goes into a pet store with my little cousin.

Terrific. She says, look at this turtle. He bought this turtle here just two

weeks ago. Look at it, mister!

It's got blisters on the bottom of its feet!

Look,

lady, I sold turtles for 37 years.

I never saw a turtle that had blisters on the bottom of its feet. We wouldn't

sell a turtle like that. But all right, look, I remember he bought it here. I'll

give you another turtle.

Here's another turtle to the little boy.

Little boy lights up, he goes, oh boy, look, another turtle truck.

Ba -doom, ba -doom, ba -doom, ba -doom.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome.

Let's thank Mr. Ferguson for his career day talk on radio, How to Be a DJ for

Big Pay.

Hooray!

Oh, very instructive, Mr.

Ferguson.

But tell me, do you think that with my voice, I, too, could have a rewarding

career as a big -time DJ?

Absolutely not, little fella.

But for the rest of you boys and girls, if you learn your top 40, you practice

saying things like, here's Elvis, he's the king, or the Long Island Expressway

is blocked up from the Bronx to Montauk, you too can have an exciting and

rewarding career in big -time radio.

Well, that's about all I have.

Say, guys and gals, catch you on the flip side. All right.

He's a very interesting guy, isn't he?

Hey, you know what I noticed, Mr. Carter?

All these dudes you got coming in for career day, they got one thing in

They all make more money than you.

Carter?

This is your next career day speaker, Mr.

Takahashi from Bonyari Industries Tokyo. He's an inventor.

Oh, nice to meet you. And you too.

Try to control your beasts, Cutter.

Remember, they're sweat hogs.

Don't turn your back on them.

Pretend we're still at war.

Sweat hogs? That's my class's nickname.

I come often to New York on business, and I want to get to know America

Soon we may be buying Brooklyn.

Mr. Takahashi, why don't you begin your career day talk?

I'm really interested in inventions. This should be great.

Oh, certainly.

All right, class. I am an inventor and with one of the world's largest

manufacturers of electronics.

Is he all right?

It's about as all right as he ever gets.

Oh, I thought it was a duck trying to commit harakiri.

Oh, I got a question about your career.

Yes? How come you're so short?

Oh, no.

That's all right, Mr. Cotter.

It's not that I am so short. It's that here you are all abnormally tall.

I got a question.

You ever been to one of them geisha houses?

Geisha houses?

Vinnie, what does that have to do with Mr.

Takahashi's career?

Nothing. It's just that if I'm ever in Japan, I always want to know where I

could go to have a good time.

Mr. Takahashi, why don't you tell us about some of your inventions?

Yes, certainly.

Well, I invented the digital readout remote control hydroscope.

Yes, I made that up. I'm an inventor.

What gives me greatest pleasure are things I invent for personal amusement.

What?

Transistorized underwear radio.

Underwear radio.

Can you get FM?

Yes, I can get FM. I can get on a clear day Guam.

Am I sitting in a subway and the lady next to me hear Wolfman Jack howling in

pants?

Hey, you got him on now?

Uh, yes.

Come on, play. Yeah, let's have a little demonstration.

Come on, come on. All right, all right, all right. Suppose you are in a crowded

subway and you wish to dance.

Subway has no stereo.

The guy's got a few batteries loose.

Hey, I hate to see him try to change stations.

I can see I'm not appreciated here. I'll go to another class.

Short people are so sensitive.

What did he say?

I think that was Japanese for rub your nose with a rubber hose.

Mr.

Whitman, my class is here because they have something to say to Mr. Takahashi.

My class has something to say to Mr.

Takahashi.

What?

I'm going to apologize.

When?

Right now.

I apologize for the way I acted in the classroom.

Yeah, that's right. Mr. Carter explained to us that you went out of your way to

try and to teach us something.

Mr.

Takahashi.

I, too, would like to extend my apology if I in any...

He offended you.

I am truly

sorry you're so short.

Arnold.

Mr.

Takahashi, I think what my friend Arnold's trying to say is, look, we're

sorry if we're not good students, right? But what kind of students can you

expect on the money they pay teachers?

How much do American teachers make?

accept your apology.

Mr. Carter, you are a very persuasive man.

What Americans call a can -do kind of guy.

I'm looking for such a man to head my sales staff in my new branch in Chicago.

I even come up with a fancy title, Vice President in Charge of Can -Do.

Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Takahashi, but I'm happy here with the sweat hogs.

For, say, twice your prison salary?

Mr. Takahashi, obviously you do not understand

what a dedicated educator Mr.

Carter is.

Just a second, Arnold.

You say two times?

Yes. Mr. Carter will have absolutely nothing to do with that.

Right, I make the offer three times.

No dice.

Shut up, Horsher!

Pension plan, stock option, and the parking place.

I don't even have a car.

And a car.

Me.

No, we, baby.

No, we.

You don't understand something.

There ain't nothing you're going to say that'll make Mr. Carter leave us. I know

that. That's right.

What kind of a car?

I'll handle this. A stick shift?

You know, I might be available for that position myself.

And I'm sure it should make you feel right at home.

I'll be in New York all week, Mr. Cutter. At least think about it.

I'll work for less than Cutter.

Imagine the nerve of that guy, huh? Trying to lure you from the bowels of

Buchanan.

And for what?

What? Yeah. Three times my present salary, stock options and pension, a

right? Probably with bucket seats.

I always imagine my seat in a bucket.

I -S -H.

Nebish.

concentrate, Julie. I keep thinking about that job.

The money. What do it mean?

Getting out of this crummy neighborhood.

This dopey one -room apartment.

I think you should grab it.

And leave all this?

That is why I never give you my opinion.

Because you never listen to me.

Come again?

I want your opinion.

Can I please have your opinion, Mrs. Carter?

I think it would be great to move to Chicago.

And I think it would be great for you to be paid a lot of money.

I'm not greedy, Gabe, but just think of the possibilities.

A second pair of shoes.

Two rooms.

Gabe, our kitchen wouldn't be in our living room anymore.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It'd be terrific to go to sleep one night without having to listen to the

marinade.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Carter.

Ah, Mr.

Takahashi, come in.

Um, you wish me to remove my shoes?

No, not unless you stepped in something.

Mr. Takahashi, I'd like you to meet my wife, Julie. This is Mr.

Takahashi. Ah, I'm honored.

How do you do?

Mr. Cutter, as you wished, I have come for your answer.

Mr. Takahashi, I haven't made up my mind yet.

You've got to give me a little more time.

Excuse me.

That car, would it be a convertible?

Anything you wish.

You're looking for the Kung Fu studio. It's in the basement.

Konnichiwa. I wanted to talk to you once more about this job before

you give it to Carter and make a big mistake.

I once made a big mistake.

Oh?

I once picked up a hitchhiker outside of Osaka who looked just like you.

Believe me, I'd be perfect for the job.

I just like this all the time when I'm not in school.

Hey, you know, um...

Personally, I... Never mind at Pearl Harbor.

I think they blew it out of proportion.

I bet I could learn to

like raw fish.

Mr. Takahashi, you'll have my answer by the end of the day.

Come on, why don't you take a bite of the sweat hog? All right.

Oh, no, the sweat hog.

He decided to fight for our teacher.

Yeah, yeah, if you want to take away Mr.

Carter, that means war.

Look, I know what you're trying to do, and I really appreciate it, but...

If boy wear a plastic wig too tight, cut off circulation to brain, he become

village idiot.

Ah, so.

Thank you, master.

That explain dizziness.

Strange boy, Mr. Carter, strange.

If you think he's strange, take a look at what's coming through the door.

cookies I baked for you.

Porsche, you trying out for the job, too?

Please, please, I did not mean to bring such discord to your class.

Ah, well, as Confucius once said, you done gone and did it, baby.

I totally understand.

You see, your class does not wish to lose their teacher, and it is all my

but...

Let us examine what has happened here.

I am a nice person.

I am not a bad guy. I come to Buchanan High Talk on career day about what I do

as inventor.

What do I find?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Make me want to look on the table for egg.

Makes I get remedial academics.

All about jargon.

Reiterate. We the sweat hogs.

in Geisha House. That's nobody's business.

Except mine and the girl I met in Osaka named Hapanaka.

Then you ask me, go ahead, demonstrate inventions.

Sure, I do. I'm a nice person. Can you get FM?

I give you FM and a good joke about Wolfman Jack, but nobody appreciates

So I split.

I go to another class.

I'm still offended, but... I accept your apology and offer Mr.

Carter a job two, three times his salary with stock option, pension plan,

parking space.

What do I get? Crazy vice principal. Follow me around.

Walk up and down my back dressed like a samurai reject.

What do I learn how to eat sashimi? I don't want all those things. Come here.

What do I see? Sesame Street doing Madame Butterfly.

Two simple things. An answer from Mr.

Cotter and a chance to tell you for the last time.

Sayonara.

Arrivederci. Shalom.

Goodbye. Adios. And so long, sweat hogs.

Look,

I can straighten this whole thing out.

You know what I forgot to do on career day?

I forgot to talk about my career.

What it means to be a teacher.

You're a teacher.

Do you know how good I feel every time I teach you people something?

Do you know I feel good, really good, when I help you to discover that you're

smart, not dumb?

I didn't know that.

Son of a gun, you just did it again.

I don't do it for money.

You know that? Look at that cheap tie.

Well, you'd be surprised.

I learn things from you people, too.

Yeah?

What'd you ever learn from me?

I'm sure someday there'll be something that... Because, ladies and gentlemen,

I am not leaving Buchanan.

Mr. Takahashi, I'm a teacher. That's what I should be, a teacher. And I want

thank you for your generous offer, but I know I'm a success every time I look at

these faces.

I'm really sorry to disappoint you.

Ah, but you did not disappoint me.

You've made me very happy.

But I'm turning down the job.

But you proved my judgment to be correct.

I selected a man of honor and integrity.

Well, having money isn't everything.

Not having money isn't everything either.

If you do impressions, very good. I do impressions of tall people.

James Cagney.

You... You...

Edward G. Robinson.

All right, yeah, yeah.

And Poki P.

Sayonara.

Mrs. Agahashi, you don't do impressions. You do subtitles.

Mr. Carter, I've had a great time. I must catch my plane.

Sayonara, sweetheart.

Sayonara, brother.

There's going to be a new Epstein.

There's going to be a new Horschach.

Well, maybe not a new Horschach.

They're going to need teachers. They're going to need people to mold their

minds. I want you to consider the rewarding career of being a teacher.

help somebody with their education who thought that they might go on to bigger

and better things because of you.

These reasons and many others.

That's what I love about being a teacher.

Oh.

Very boring, Mr. Carter.

Boring, so boring.

I'm excusing, Mr. Carter. I seem to have missed.

placed something. I think one of my batteries fell from out of my shorts.

Mrs.

Takahashi, ever say about my Uncle Max and his friend?

Well, my Uncle Max and his friend are in a Chinese restaurant and they're

talking about politics and the whole world situation and everything.

And his friend says, do you know, Max, that there's Jewish people all over the

world? Do you know that there's Jewish people in India, there's Indian Jews,

there's Jewish people in Pakistan, Pakistani Jews, there's even Chinese

No. That's what Max said.

No, there's no Chinese. What are you talking about, Chinese Jews? There's no

Chinese Jews.

Calls over to wait it. He says, just a second, could you come over here? We're

having an argument. Could you tell us if there's any Chinese Jews?

Wait, he says, just a second, I find out.

Goes into the kitchen, comes back in a minute. He says, no, so sorry, no

Jews. We have prune Jews, tomato Jews.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here Well, we need to tease him a lot because we got

on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think I must have been.

And I know what it seemed you were learning in.

Was there something that made you come back again?

Then what could ever lead ya? What could ever lead ya? Back here where we need

ya. Back here where we need ya.